― Albert Camus, Notebooks: 1935-1951

fucking hate it when the stuff everybody says "actually works" does actually work.

hate exercising and realizing i've let go of a lot of anxiety and anger because i've overturned my fight-or-flight response.

hate eating right and eating enough and eating 3 times a day and realizing i'm less anxious and i have more energy

hate journaling in my stupid notebook with my stupid bic ballpoint and realizing that i've actually started healing about something once i'm able to externalize it

hate forgiving myself hate complimenting myself more often hate treating myself with kindness hate taking a gratitude inventory hate having patience hate talking to myself gently

hate turning my little face up to the sun and taking deep breaths and looking at nature and grounding myself and realizing that i feel less burdened and more hopeful, more actually-here, that i am able to see the good sides of myself more clearly, that i am able to see not only how far i have to grow - but also how much growth i have already done & how much of my life i truly fill with light and laughter and love

horrible horrible horrible. hate it but i'm gonna do it tho

I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned “forever” into the only acceptable definition of success.

Like… if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, it’s a “failed” business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you don’t actually want to keep doing that, you’re a “failed” writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, it’s a “failed” marriage.

The only acceptable “win condition” is “you keep doing that thing forever”. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a “real” friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a “phase” - or, alternatively, a “pity” that you don’t do that thing any more. A fandom is “dying” because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.

I just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And it’s okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success… I don’t think that’s doing us any good at all.

Daphne du Maurier, from The Parasites

I want to start with a challenge. Productivity ? Or anything else. Idk. But it starts from tomorrow..

3.Jan.24

on june

emily dickinson complete poems of emily dickinson: “all these my banners be” (via @soracities​) \ annette wynne why was june made? \ pablo neruda one hundred sonnets \ virginia woolf the waves \ l.m. montgomery anne of the island (via @metamorphesque​) \ sylvia plath the unabridged journals of sylvia plath, 1950-1962 \ mahmoud darwish a river dies of thirst \ emily dickinson complete poems of emily dickinson: “ourselves were wed one summer–dear–” (via @soracities​) \ philip larking cut grass \ morgan parker magical negro: “the black saint & the sinner lady & the dead & the truth”

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Day 1. Friday , 18 August

There are so many nuances to my relationship that I cannot explain people at this moment. I wish I could. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for over 2 years now.

I am happy and lazy most days. Less sad days but when day come , they are here to stay longer. Recently I have been wondering if my sad days are meant to last

A bittersweet confusing thought : My friends and I are growing now , I wonder if we will remain friends or just fall apart. But right now as I have an exam tomorrow, I am feeling a big anxiety thingy but also happy.

300122, S.T.