Devil

devil

(tw for self-harm. this is extremely self-indulgent. read at your own risk.)

Devil.

Her core, her soul, the very depth of her being, was a creature that had no right to see the light.

Usually, she could fight it. Usually, she could resist it. Usually, she could deny it.

But nighttime was when her demons were strongest, and she couldn’t always resist their allure. It was so easy to give into those voices, those whispers at the back of her mind that assured her that these actions were necessary for her survival. The devil inside of her had kept her alive for this long, so why would it ever try to deceive her now?

Nevertheless, as Rika looked down at the blood welling on her soft, thin, porcelain skin, she slowly came to realize that for once, her devil might have grown a little too strong.

A sharp wail escaped her lips, and the offender dropped from her hand to the floor with a clatter. She immediately clamped her free hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her cries. She couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t accept this. She could brush it off. She could pretend it never happened.

She hadn’t ever imagined that her devil would take a tangible form, but it had left a kiss on her wrist that she couldn’t ignore.

“Rika?”

A voice sounded from outside the bathroom door, followed by a sharp knock. The sound managed to strike Rika’s core, piercing even through her foggy mind and her shaky body. Hastily, the blonde ran her hands underneath the sink, eager to wash away the evidence. Rinse, rinse… Maybe a splash of soap, to ensure she was effectively clean. She needed to scrub away the darkness that she tried so desperately to keep hidden.

But as she pumped the soap onto her tender skin, the stinging that resulted made her whimper despite herself.

“Rika?” the voice called again, a little more frantically this time. “It’s me, V. Are you okay?”

Rika began to scramble through the drawers and cabinets, knowing that somewhere, somehow, the couple must have had a first aid kit in here. V was cautious—almost overly so—and every time that Rika complained she felt ill, whether it was a physical or emotional pain, her lover always seemed to be able to withdraw some sort of medicine to soothe her, some sort of bandage to patch her up.

She usually refused, not wanting to mess with her mind or body in the slightest, but for once, she was willing to accept the fact that she needed assistance. Normally, she wanted to keep that devil alive and well, strong enough to defend her from whatever the world may throw at her.

This time, though, that savior inside her had betrayed her, and she needed to bring it back within her power.

“Rika!”

“I-I-I… I need…” She tried to sputter out some words, some sort of answer to V to let him know that she was alive and well.

Was she really well, though?

“… a m-m-moment,” she stammered at last. She thought the sentence came from her, anyway; that voice sounded like it belonged to her, but in her dazed mind and through her ringing ears, pounding with the vibrations of her intense heartbeat, it felt so far away, as though it were coming from somewhere else.

V didn’t respond to that; he fell silent, finally, and all that Rika could hear was a soft exhale. He must have been relieved that she had answered, as distorted and shaky as it was, and so he was willing to give her the space she needed until she was ready once again. He was always so considerate of her, always trying to appease her darkness and bathe her in a glowing light.

Normally, her devil resented that light, that glow, that searing heat… but Rika, for once, was grateful to know the sun was right outside her door, ready to banish away the demons that had overpowered her.

A little bit of pressure was all it took to stop the bleeding, and finally Rika allowed herself to crack the door open. She waved at him with her dominant hand, keeping the other one tucked behind her back. “I… I saw a bug.” Some woman’s voice was trying to excuse the shrieking that had taken place, and deep down, Rika knew that this feeble fib would never convince him. She wanted to be hopeful, though. She didn’t want anyone—not even V—to know the extent of her struggles.

But as V’s minty gaze flickered to her hidden hand, to the razor on the floor, and finally to the swelling around the young woman’s eyes, he looked as though he’d managed to piece together exactly what had taken place in here.

“It’s okay.”

How could two simple words break her down?

Rika at once leaned forward and buried her face in his chest, sniffling and sobbing. Her tears were soaking into his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. The young man just ran a hand through her soft curls and pulled her in at the waist, massaging little circles into the small of her back. “You don’t have to be strong for me, Rika.”

With a whimper, she lifted her head and gazed up at him with tearful emerald eyes. “I… She… I…” Who should she blame? Was this the doing of Rika, or of… something else entirely?

No, this was Rika. This was a part of her that she tried so desperately to keep hidden. The part of her that V had tried to kill, time and time again, by trying to force her to expose it and unravel it.

But right now, Rika was willing to throw herself into his arms, if only to hear the words she so desperately needed to hear.

“I love you, Rika. Nothing you do will ever change that.”

Could she trust his words?

At this moment, did she have a choice?

“Let me see.”

Immediately Rika leaped back, cowering away from him, clutching her wound in her good hand and turning away so that he couldn’t get even a glimpse. “It’s fine…” she murmured, but as she removed her hand from her wrist and saw the little specks of blood that splattered her fingertips, she couldn’t fight back the sob that followed.

“Antibacterial cream and bandages,” V suggested softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “We have some in here.”

The blue-haired young man withdrew a small tube of ointment and a box of bandages from one of the drawers, and Rika cursed herself silently for not being able to find them sooner. Begrudgingly, she held her arm out to him, and upon seeing the subtle raise of his eyebrows and the softening of his gaze, she felt tears begin to brim along the corners of her eyes again.

“V, you need to promise me something,” she whispered as he began to rub the ointment into her skin. The pressure against her wound made her flinch, but she bit her lip and tried to keep herself steady. “You won’t tell anyone, especially not the RFA. Not even Jumin.”

Concern and doubt flickered across his eyes, but V nodded slowly. “You don’t want them to see you like this,” he guessed.

“I’m their sun, V.”

“Sometimes there’s a solar eclipse, Rika.”

Their silence coated the air for a moment as V gently stuck the bandage onto her wrist, careful to ensure he could cover the entirety of her injury. It was small, but significant. It was dainty, but deep.

Rika couldn’t fight back the gasp that slowly seeped out of her lungs as her lover gently applied his lips to the surface of the bandage. “You are my sun,” he whispered as he pulled back, and he gently took her hand in both of his. “Nothing you do will make me stop seeking your light.”

Light… even like this? Was there any light in her at all?

“I don’t understand you,” she grumbled. “I don’t understand how you could love a devil like me.”

“I’m not asking you to understand,” he told her simply. “I’m asking you to trust me.”

With a nod of her head and a dull ache in her chest,

Rika leaned into V’s warm, comforting embrace.

With the power of love, and after a quick rest,

Maybe, her demons she would be able to face.