I Hate Them

pepper: what an idiot. i can’t believe i’m going to marry him.

happy: well, you don’t have to—

pepper, looking at tony yell at dum-e for blasting him with a fire extinguisher: no. i’m going to.

no 😔

i need a fic where nick fury is peter’s uncle (not blood, obviously) and it has irondad so like peter is like ‘yeah i hung out with uncle nick’ and tony is like ‘i didnt know u had another uncle than ben??’ and tony eventually realizes that hes talking about nick his-mother-calls-him-fury

i love giving peter random family figures

if i read another fic with a canon-age peter infantilized ill simply have to disappear off the face of the earth

cassandra is the most convincing since she’s mostly quiet the whole time. she has a menacing enough aura to distract everyone from the fact that she is very clearly a girl

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

shuffling my playlist and assigning marvel characters/ships to songs

movies by conan gray: peter quill/gamora (post-infinity war)

francesca by hozier: tony stark (endgame) (it could honestly be anyone alive during endgame but it mostly reminds me of tony)

nostalgia by suki waterhouse: yelena belova & natasha romanoff (this is obviously a love song but my favorite thing is ignoring anything about love in songs and making it platonic)

savior complex by phoebe bridgers: steve rogers/bucky barnes (i mostly interpret it as steve to bucky but it could be either way tbh)

merry christmas, please don’t call by the bleachers: natasha romanoff & yelena belova (i actually made an edit of this on my old tiktok account… i wonder if i can find it saved on my phone)

the way i loved you by taylor swift: pepper potts/tony stark (its obvi pepper talking about tony and it fits SO well)

orange juice by noah kahan: tony stark (the mcu doesnt really have that much about his addictions but it still does show him hella drunk)

i know the end by phoebe bridgers: tony stark (“a haunted house with a picket fence to float around and ghost my friends. no, i’m not afraid to disappear” for endgame ohhhh im evil)

holidays by conan gray: peter parker (especially in no way home when he begins an entirely new life)

twenty one by the cranberries: natasha romanoff

john hughes movie by maisie peters: steve rogers/bucky barnes (bro bucky was so gay for him 😔)

firearm by lizzy mcalpine: yelena belova & natasha romanoff (once again this is a romantic song but this is soooo yelena talking to nat)

haymitch sees the female tribute for the 74th hunger games and it’s a girl with the rage of maysilee, fire of louella, empathy of wyatt, blood of burdock, and the same horrible odds as himself. how could sweetheart not slip out?

spider-man: gwen stacy 😻 jonny storm 😻 deadpool 😻 mj 😻 other mj 😻 other other mj 😻

there’s never been a character more made for multi-shipping than your friendly neighborhood spider-man, good ol’ peter parker ‼️

i am not ready for the sotr edits to fourth of july by sufjan stevens when the movie comes out

“did you get enough love, my little dove?”

+ lenore dove’s geese only tolerating haymitch for food and buttercup only tolerating katniss for food !!!!

haymitch raising geese to feel closer to lenore dove and katniss taking care of buttercup to feel closer to prim. the geese not trusting haymitch when lenore was still alive and buttercup disliking katniss when prim was still alive. the parallels are paralleling

I AM AWAITING THIS WITH BATED BREATH

i need a fic where nick fury is peter’s uncle (not blood, obviously) and it has irondad so like peter is like ‘yeah i hung out with uncle nick’ and tony is like ‘i didnt know u had another uncle than ben??’ and tony eventually realizes that hes talking about nick his-mother-calls-him-fury

i love giving peter random family figures