You’re Everywhere 

Unfortunately I’m the type of person that you can screw over 1 million times and I would still be there for you if you needed me.

(via awkwarddly)

& Tonight;

All I can think about is you. I miss you terribly. I wish I got to see you tonight. It would have put my mind at ease. God, why can't I be happy like I was when we were together? You're my rock, my world, my everything. I don't know where I'd be without you. I want you to know that you mean the world to me, never forget that. I feel like I'm in a dream and I'll wake up any minute and you'll be right by my side telling me that you love me and everything is okay. As for now, I guess I'm forced to live in this hell of emotionless heartbreak. Please, wake me up soon, I don't wanna live in this hell anymore. I want you to know that if I ever decide to leave this world, I hope you'll be right there by my side telling me that everything is going to get better. I hope you can save me like you've done before. As for now, I shall try to sleep. Goodnight my sweet prince. I love you so much. I hope you come back. I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

why are you so passionate about this

October 11, 2016

I haven’t been on here in a while and I’m not particularly certain why. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, so many things to say that I’ve just kept bottled inside. I guess I’ll start off with you. The one person I always think about when I know I shouldn’t. I think about you WAY too often for my own good, and honestly I think that’s where most of my bottled feelings come from. For some reason, I still miss you. Why? I don’t know, I can’t answer that. I think it was just something about you that makes me feel this way. And honestly, I’m getting a little tired of it. Yes, I love you. I always will; but for my own good, I’ve finally grown the strength to let go. Forget about you, like you did to me almost 3 years ago. I’ve needed to do this for a long time, I don’t deserve to hurt like this anymore, when clearly you aren’t hurting. As for your now ex, I hope she was worth the heartache she’s probably putting you through right now since you two just broke up not even 2 months ago and she’s already dating someone new. I wouldn’t have been there for you, through everything. I would’ve made you happy no matter what it took, you know that. But still, you chose to leave me. Leave me alone to suffer in silence. Well; I’m done. I tried to contact you so I could again, understand why you felt it was a good idea to leave the one person who would love you for eternity. But, it’s too late now. I’ll find someone better than you, someone who will actually love me more than you seemed to. You will always hold a special place in my heart but I can no longer sit back and hurt because of you. Thank you for all the memories you gave me, but this is me finally letting go. Have a great life. Goodbye. 

To the one person I regret ever moving in with; I’m done being your punching bag. I’ve known you longer than any other person in that house and you treat me the worst and I’m not standing for it anymore. And if you think that I’m paying half the rent when there’s 3 people in that house; you’ve lost your damn mind. After everything I’ve done for you, put up with for you. You still find it okay to treat me poorly. No, enough is enough. I’m done cleaning up after you and that thing you have living in MY house. And when you invited people to come stay with us FOR FREE without even asking me about it; thanks for fucking asking. That was very rude and disrespectful of you. When I make a small mess; you throw a fucking fit. But when there’s dog shit and dog piss everywhere and your ogre made a mess in the kitchen as it so regularly does, it’s never an issue. Whatever. I can’t wait to leave because I can’t live in a house with a giant child and an ogre. If that’s how you want to live; I don’t want any part of it. You’ve ruined our friendship, and I never want to speak with you after how you treated me. And as far as the ogre hitting you again, you probably deserved it. The way you treat people makes me sick. Making other people pay your bills because you wanna be lazy and not work. You don’t even act like a friend unless it’s convenient for you or someone is paying for your stuff. I hope karma catches up with you soon; because you are the definition of a piece of shit. I felt sorry for you when you asked me to come live with you because you had no one to help you; now, I regret EVER moving in with you. I am NEVER living with someone like you ever again. You’re disrespectful, rude, nasty and an all around shitty person.

To all of the people who think it’s okay to treat me as a punching bag; fuck you. I’m not someone you can just throw around and make fun of because you think it’s funny. It’s not. That’s all I have to say on that matter; I’ve just had enough. I need a vacation away from people in general. That’s gonna be hard to do... But the sooner I can, the better because I’ve got so many bottled up emotions and feelings that I need to just be alone with my thoughts somewhere I feel tranquil and my home is not that place. Not at all. Maybe I’ll drive somewhere and find a nice secluded spot to be alone with my thoughts. I’ll have to do some looking around but I’ll find somewhere. As far as moving, I’m moving alone. I cannot live with someone else, let alone multiple people; they just aggravate me too much. One day soon that’ll happen. As soon as I can save up the money to move, I’m gone from that hell hole I call home at the moment...

Please tell me.

I’m free

I’ve finally moved out of there. Moved out of the shit hole I was in. The place where I couldn’t have any privacy and was paying half of the bills when there were 5 people living there. I was done, and I finally made the move and I couldn’t be more happy because for once I finally have privacy. I’m so happy with the place I live now. It’s beautiful. The neighborhood is quiet and the area is so relaxing. I’ve been through a lot when I was living where I was before but now things aren’t so bad. I have nothing to stress about. Nothing to worry about. The feeling is so foreign to me. I’m genuinely happy. I haven’t felt this happy since I was with my ex so it honestly feels amazing. I don’t think anything can really trump my mood. My now ex roommate was threatening to take me to small claims court for the rent money but she has no probable cause when she’s broken every single rule in the complex and I broke none. She moved people in without putting their names on the lease; she changed the deadbolt on the door when the 2 that moved in with us at first moved out cause she was afraid of them showing back up to the apartment. Who would want to? I didn’t even want to come home after work everyday cause I couldn’t stand being there. She also has her dog and the other one has her cat and neither of them paid for the animals to be there. So, I told management about all of this. You wanna threaten me, I’ll get you kicked out for negligence. Try me. 

Still Dream Of You

Is it bad that I still dream about you? Still think of what life would be like today if you never left. Why everytime I close my eyes to sleep, there you are, sitting beside me telling me that everything is okay. Holding me, kissing me, loving me. I still can't shake you from my mind, and I have no idea why. Just last night I had a dream about you. We were hanging out somewhere with a group of people I knew and you were sitting across from me. You kept looking at me and smiling but not saying anything. Then you talked, and oh my heart melted at the sound of your voice. So gentle and so soft. I can still hear it now. You asked me what my plans were for the night and I told you, unfortunately, I had to work and you said that's too bad because you wanted me to join you because you were going bowling (weird, since that's something you never did). And I said, well I can always call out. I mean, I do have tomorrow night off anyway and I've only called out of work 2 times since I've been there. And then your face lit up and you blushed at the thought of me joining you. You said, are you sure? And I said, of course. I would be more than happy to call out and join you tonight. You said, awesome with a smile on your face which in turn made me smile. I then mentioned that I would need to go home and shower and what not before we went out and you said that you had a shower I could use at your place, blushing as you said it. I said okay, blushing as well. Everything turned black and then we're at your house. So bright and cheery. I can just barely remember the layout and the furniture. I can remember, me getting out of the shower and you waiting by the door (as if you haven't seen me nude before). I get out and I remember you touching my neck, so softly. And then you just grab me and kiss me. My world exploded as I felt the same spark I felt when we had our first kiss. I melted into you like we were one again. I woke up after this, I guess my mind didn't want me to see any more as I had woken up almost 3 hours before my alarm was scheduled. I don't know why I still dream of you as if you're coming back into my life. I would love that more than anything but I'm not sure if it'll happen or not. Maybe it's a sign? I don't know. All I know is that as always I miss you.

May 30, 2014

I made myself really upset today. I watched the video you recorded of me after I got my wisdom teeth taken out. We were still together at the time and you called me baby in the video. God, how I miss you calling me baby and telling me that you love me in that cute little way you used to… I’m so happy that I still come over on the weekends, that makes me super happy but I just wish we were back together. I get super jealous when you talk to other women because I want you to still be all mine. We were so perfect, well as perfect as we could be together. We never fought, nothing. It was nothing but pure bliss. I still get that same blissful feeling when I’m with you. I may not show you, and I think I should. But I do. I’m doing the best I can to slim down and show you I’m trying. I’m glad you’re seeing that too. Even though we aren’t together anymore, I still fall for you more and more each time I'm with you