Nicoledavisss - Wistful Thinking

Late Night Thoughts 4/1/18

I feel angry and sad at the same time tonight. I want to scream, yell, shout, punch something, and cry all at the same time. I feel this way a lot lately and I don’t know what to do to make it better. Medication does nothing to help. The only thing that I’ve noticed makes any sort of difference is marijuana. Mary Jane is the only one who can make me feel better, but it’s only when I’m high that I feel better. When the high wears off, I feel miserable again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can smoke all the time, but I refuse to get behind the wheel when I’ve been smoking. What do I do when I have to go to work? How do I make this feeling of defeat go away? Do I just need to cry it out? Will that make me feel better? I thought that being alone was the problem, but I’ll be honest, I’d rather be alone than be with someone that can’t make me happy, or doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I think I just need someone who will understand and won’t judge me. I pretend to be happy but deep down, I’m hurting. I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. I just want to feel happiness all the time. But how? I thought that suicide was the way to go when I was younger, but I realized that taking your own life isn’t right. It may take my pain away, but I would never want to put that pain on those I love, even if it is just family. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn to. I try to talk it out with friends and family but it’s like they just don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve thought about speaking with a therapist, but I don’t know how much they can help. I just want to feel better already. I’ve spent the last 17 years trying to fight this. It’s only gotten worse and I’m exhausted. I’m done fighting, and I’m done feeling like no one understands.

you ever know what it's like to lose the person you love? that pain that you feel because you feel as though it's all your fault? I lost the man I love because I feel like I fucked up so bad. I feel like I did everything wrong. As much as he tells me it's not all my fault. I'm always gonna feel that way. He tells me that he's giving me another chance to show him I'm changing but he's out on a date with someone else. I'm so confused /: And the way he talks to me.... Talking to me like I'm a stranger when he's drunk. Why? He says he hates to see me hurt, but yet he's gonna talk to me that way.. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why us? We had everything. Yes, we had problems but what couple doesn't? Okay, so I haven't shown him my ambition. Alright, I get that. But if you really loved me like you say you do, you would've tried to push me harder then you did. I love him with my entire being. I believe he is the piece I've been missing all of these years and I don't wanna give that up. I've got hope that once I show him how serious I really am, he'll change his mind and want this back. It hurts so much. The sound of his voice soothes me and makes me think things are okay but then reality kicks in and all I wanna do is die... I wanna crawl under a rock and die. I can't deal with this pain and I'm afraid I'm gonna die of a broken heart because of this. I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can do is toss and turn and panic. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I want us back. I want everything we had back. He is my best friend and my whole world. Since he left, my world has crashed down around me and I feel so alone. I'm glad he's still in my life, but I don't like not having him in my life as my boyfriend. I thought we had a future together? We talked about it all the time. All I can do now, is show him that I'm changing and hope for the best. He says he's moving on with his life because he doesn't believe that I'm changing. I can't wait to show him how serious I am. I don't wanna move on. He means everything to me. He will always be my number 1. And he'll always have my heart. And I'm glad to know that I will always have a huge part of his heart. All I can do is hope....

You’re everywhere 

Dream come true

This is like a dream come true. Here I am sitting next to you and you have a new girlfriend. And she has no idea that I'm staying the night with you. I know there's still something there for me and this proves it right here. This and the fact that since you started dating her, we've talked so much more. I still see that little sparkle on your eye when you look at me and you can't tell me that it's because of her. You just started dating. I get the feeling that you're missing me in that way. And I feel this way because I don't think you'd have me stay the night with you if you didn't. No one would do that if they had a girlfriend. No one. I just want you to admit it to me is all. That's all I ask for. Tell me that you miss me and that you still love me because I see it. I know you told me that you wanted to experience what it's like to be with someone else and you are but I feel like it's making you miss me. Just admit it already.