Nicoledavisss - Wistful Thinking

Late Night Thoughts 4/1/18

I feel angry and sad at the same time tonight. I want to scream, yell, shout, punch something, and cry all at the same time. I feel this way a lot lately and I don’t know what to do to make it better. Medication does nothing to help. The only thing that I’ve noticed makes any sort of difference is marijuana. Mary Jane is the only one who can make me feel better, but it’s only when I’m high that I feel better. When the high wears off, I feel miserable again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can smoke all the time, but I refuse to get behind the wheel when I’ve been smoking. What do I do when I have to go to work? How do I make this feeling of defeat go away? Do I just need to cry it out? Will that make me feel better? I thought that being alone was the problem, but I’ll be honest, I’d rather be alone than be with someone that can’t make me happy, or doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I think I just need someone who will understand and won’t judge me. I pretend to be happy but deep down, I’m hurting. I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. I just want to feel happiness all the time. But how? I thought that suicide was the way to go when I was younger, but I realized that taking your own life isn’t right. It may take my pain away, but I would never want to put that pain on those I love, even if it is just family. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn to. I try to talk it out with friends and family but it’s like they just don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve thought about speaking with a therapist, but I don’t know how much they can help. I just want to feel better already. I’ve spent the last 17 years trying to fight this. It’s only gotten worse and I’m exhausted. I’m done fighting, and I’m done feeling like no one understands.

Unfortunately I’m the type of person that you can screw over 1 million times and I would still be there for you if you needed me.

(via awkwarddly)

May 30, 2014

I made myself really upset today. I watched the video you recorded of me after I got my wisdom teeth taken out. We were still together at the time and you called me baby in the video. God, how I miss you calling me baby and telling me that you love me in that cute little way you used to… I’m so happy that I still come over on the weekends, that makes me super happy but I just wish we were back together. I get super jealous when you talk to other women because I want you to still be all mine. We were so perfect, well as perfect as we could be together. We never fought, nothing. It was nothing but pure bliss. I still get that same blissful feeling when I’m with you. I may not show you, and I think I should. But I do. I’m doing the best I can to slim down and show you I’m trying. I’m glad you’re seeing that too. Even though we aren’t together anymore, I still fall for you more and more each time I'm with you

‘The Raven’ was almost ‘The Parrot’. When Edgar Allen Poe first conceived of the poem, he wanted a 'melancholy’ feel and planned to use 'nevermore’ as a refrain. Deciding that a talking, non- reasoning animal would be the best way to repeat the word, Poe first thought of a parrot - until he realized ravens are 'equally capable of speech, and infinitely more in keeping with the intended tone.’ Source Source 2

I want...

I want your Monday morning sleep soaked eyes, dream drenched voice, lazy bones. "Five more minutes please babe."

I want your Tuesday afternoon coffee break, glasses off, laughter on. "Just hold me for a while, it's been a hard day."

I want your Wednesday evening fingers through hair, teeth nibbling nails, neck craning, eyes glazing. "This paperwork never ends."

I want your Thursday night drinks for two, bones unbind, muscles let loose, flats, slacks. "Just me and you."

I want your finally Friday stretch soul smile, sun sipping light from the glaciers in your eyes, fingers unfurl, hand extends. "C'mon babe, let's go wild."

I want your weekend. Your movie marathon Saturday, reading by the fireplace, kissing in the blankets. Want your Sunday morning orange juice and pancakes, white sheets, tender skin, hair like the fourth of July. "Let's not get out of bed today."

I want your ordinary and your stress, rest, release. I want your bad day and that terrible night. I want you drunk in my arms, forgetting the place but never my name. I want your lazy and your lonely and your fist full of fight. I want you every day, in every way, for the rest of my life <3

This is it

today is the day. the day I move away from the shit hole I live in. No more getting disrespected and treated like a pile of shit. No more being everyone’s mule and driving everyone around like I’m their taxi. I’m so happy that I’m leaving, so happy to be rid of the negativity in my life. I don’t even care if they get mad. I’m gone. I can’t wait to get home after my shift tonight and pack my things and be gone. I can already feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. Things can only get better from here <3