Hi Mr Gaiman, I Have A Question That Is Mentally Killing Me And I Need To Know:

Batman (2016) #16

LMFAOOOOO DUKE'S ONE 😭😭😭😭 not lying when i say I literally burst out laughing

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

Duke and Jason have been banned from being anywhere near each other in costume because the arguments they will break out into is both too intense and too distracting for patrol. Everyone thinks they're serious but after the first 10-20 times they do it for the love of the game.

Duke: Shut the fuck up.

Jason: You shut the fuck up.

Duke: Zombie

Jason: Flashlight

Duke: That's why the joker still alive

Jason: That's why the joker did what he did to ya mom.

Duke: Nigga where ya mom at? Dea—

Bruce over the comms who, along with the entire bat family has been listening to entire thing: Signal, Red Hood! SPERATE! NOW!

They are now giggling as dick and cass drag them apart.

It is at this point literally his shirt hahah

Idk if should I post this on ig cuz looks kinda messy, but theyre my old fav cuties

Update: I already did lol

such a stupid guy (I love him)

Broo the fact that u can tell who’s dancing HAHAH I LOVE THIS

Fuck this is GOLD the whole dancing sequence of the skeletons of dead boys detectives I didn't know this existed

Btw I saw it on twitter where it also explains the details from the opening credits https://x.com/Bowtiedino/status/1796971544545038682?t=GtscLrWq6-_J-xlINf6vrA&s=19

"Batman is so unrealistic, why does he have shark repellent spray haha--" maybe he just has a canister of a substance on his belt that's so strong, it's banned in several countries and as it turns out, sharks don't like getting face-blasted with the marine equivalent of bear spray on steroids any more than humans do. you're telling me Batman is carrying a single-use item like that on his belt? Heck no. He's using that shit on sharks, on people, on random aliens who try to grab him during JL negotiations, and anyone else he thinks it'll work on. He even used it on himself once to get Joker gas out of his eyes and respiratory system. Superman is never 100% sure if he should say something about it to him or not. The Robins/Ex-Robins like to play Russian Roulette with Bruce's used-up canisters when they're bored. But yes -- it does work on sharks. He modified the nozzle so it can be used underwater.

hc that there's a gala hosted on Jason's birthday to honour his memory, and every one of the Wayne kids is obviously required to attend. Jason, naturally, can't—being legally dead, and all—so he enjoys his night watching the security cameras with Babs. Popcorn in hand, he amusedly enjoys his siblings try to fumble their way through a whole gala centred around Jason, all while trying to pretend that he's still dead and they didn't talk to him literally a few hours prior.

Tim: Oh, I never got to officially meet Jason before he died, but from what I hear from Dick and Bruce, he was truly a great soul.

Jason, listening to this: He's totally tryin' not to explode 'cause I ate his pistachios earlier.

Babs: Tim likes pistachios?

Jason: Yea. They're his favourite, so I steal them all the time.

Babs, fondly amused: You know Tim's favourite snack?

Jason: Yeah, so I can steal it. Keep up, Barbie.

Babs: Sure.

Socialite: Dear, would you happen to have any stories about young Jason?

Dick, grinning: Absolutely! Just last w—I mean—the last time we went out shopping before he died. Yeah. That. Last time we went shopping he tripped on the escalator. Should've tied his shoelaces.

Jason: That happened last week.

The thing is, Dick has more free reign over answers, since he knew Jason before he died. Tim has a little bit of leeway, since he can chalk up any stories to small interactions he had with Jason as their neighbour. The rest of the kids, though? They have to keep their mouth shut, because if they slip up they'll be questions.

Things are fine until some of the socialites start 'discreetly' badmouthing Jason, saying that there shouldn't be such a big event happening for a glorified street rat. Jason himself isn't really affected by the comments, used to them already. He's pleasantly surprised when he sees every one of his siblings look absolutely livid on his behalf. He sees his siblings shut down every single rumour, even though they logically don't have to—rumours can't hurt the dead, after all. He watches as most of them defend him despite not being able to say anything about actually knowing him, and decides then and there; he has a call to make and paperwork to sign.

Time to defend himself—hanging out with and defending his siblings in public is just a bonus.

Neil Gaiman's favorite trope

Jason: ... somewhere I must've heard it. I don't know.

Tim:

Jason: I SAID I DON'T KNOW. *leaves*