This Cannot Be True. He Cannot Be THAT Stupid

Another worldbuilding application of the "two layer rule": To create a culture while avoiding The Planet Of Hats (the thing where a people only have one thing going for them, like "everyone wears a silly hat"): You only need two hats.

Try picking two random flat culture ideas and combine them, see how they interact. Let's say taking the Proud Warrior Race - people who are all about glory in battle and feats of strength, whose songs and ballads are about heroes in battle and whose education consists of combat and military tactics. Throw in another element: Living in diaspora. Suddenly you've got a whole more interesting dynamic going on - how did a people like this end up cast out of their old native land? How do they feel about it? How do they make a living now - as guards, mercenaries? How do their non-combatants live? Were they always warrior people, or did they become fighters out of necessity to fend for themselves in the lands of strangers? How do the peoples of these lands regard them?

Like I'm not shitting, it's literally that easy. You can avoid writing an one-dimensional culture just by adding another equally flat element, and the third dimension appears on its own just like that. And while one of the features can be location/climate, you can also combine two of those with each other.

Let's take a pretty standard Fantasy Race Biome: The forest people. Their job is the forest. They live there, hunt there, forage there, they have an obnoxious amount of sayings that somehow refer to trees, woods, or forests. Very high chance of being elves. And then a second common stock Fantasy Biome People: The Grim Cold North. Everything is bleak and grim up there. People are hardy and harsh, "frostbite because the climate hates you" and "being stabbed because your neighbour hates you" are the most common causes of death. People are either completely humourless or have a horrifyingly dark, morbid sense of humour. They might find it funny that you genuinely can't tell which one.

Now combine them: Grim Cold Bleak Forest People. The summer lasts about 15 minutes and these people know every single type of berry, mushroom and herb that's edible in any fathomable way. You're not sure if they're joking about occasionally resorting to eating tree bark to survive the long dark winter. Not a warrior people, but very skilled in disappearing into the forest and picking off would-be invaders one by one. Once they fuck off into the woods you won't find them unless they want to be found.

You know, Finland.

Three... Guards?

Summary: Tifa finds Cloud at the train station in Sector Seven. It’s the first time she’s seen him in seven years. But he’s not alone. Three silver haired boys protected him. Three silver haired boys that triggered memories of her hometown. Of steel through her chest. Of SOLDIER First Class.

Of Him.

Inspired by this prompt by @im-totally-not-an-alien .  

Please Enjoy!

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Chapter 1: Punishment

This wasn’t part of the plan. This was one hundred thousand percent not part of the plan. They were supposed to use Mother’s cells and become Him. It was that simple. Basic. Elementary. And they almost had it. How did everything go wrong? Why was it so complicated? 

If that stupid president didn’t make that shot. If Mother's box stayed intact. If they took a different turn and avoided the decommissioned mako reactor. If they didn’t slip off the ledge. If that black sheep of a big brother didn't gain the upper hand. If he managed to save them from falling into the remaining Lifestream. If that brother was successful. 

If.

If.

If.

These scenarios wouldn’t help them now. They couldn’t waste time thinking about ‘possibilities’ when reality screamed in front of them. 

Big Brother needed help. After submersion in the Lifestream, the three of them found themselves spit out somewhere in the wasteland surrounding Midgar. The entire city stood proudly, Shinra Tower and the Sector Seven plate unified and composed and supported. Like the city itself was reborn along the horizon. Whatever it was, it would be a long walk back. And was it just them, or did everything seem… bigger? Even the few cliffs and rogue plants in the ruined land seemed larger than before. They turned to each other for explanation and…

…What?

What?! 

They looked like children, short and small! As old as the children they healed! What did the Lifestream do to them?! They understood some kind of retaliation was coming but why this. 

Great. The oldest was about to cry again, completely panicked and losing his very loose grip on his emotions. The middle was far too calm, but even that facade started to crack when he noticed none of them had any weapons. The youngest, in all honesty, was ready to strangle every living thing, but that would have to come later, when they eventually made their way into the city. Making it across this worthless plain would be a lot harder as pint sized packages with no vehicles, but they didn’t find any other options. Was the Planet trying to ‘walk’ them to death?

Well, no. They quickly stumbled across a body, skin a soft green and birds picking at the rotting flesh. It must’ve been dead for at least a day. The man had black hair, a SOLDIER uniform, dozens of dried bullet wounds that vultures took full advantage of, and a solid blade of the sword Big Brother fought with. The same one they found, and kicked to the ground, when pursuing him. The eldest grew curious. Approaching without hesitation, he broke the grip of the corpse and lifted the blade, though holding it to attention forced his body to shake in struggle. 

“Put it down,” The youngest spat. The older one dropped the sword immediately in surprise, the hunk of metal clattering and ringing as it fell. The birds scattered, flying nearby for the moment these children left. 

“Don’t scare me like that!” 

The youngest rolled his eyes and stayed silent, knowing that if he said a single word back, they'd all have to deal with his tears. They didn’t have time for that.

“Hey, Kadaj…?”

“What now?” The boy immediately turned to the other brother, annoyed and tired of all the weird stuff that kept happening today. A strong part increasingly frustrated at his failure to carry out Mother’s plan before suddenly appearing outside Midgar.

“Is that… Big Brother…?” 

Kadaj’s face soured with confusion and he moved to observe the being. But his breath hitched the moment blonde spikey hair came into view. At the silent response, the eldest followed, eyes wide and completely lost upon seeing the man.

It was. It was him, his body leaning against the rocks and his head low. Like them, he wasn’t the same either. He was younger and clearly weaker to start. His skin was dangerously dry, his lips peeling around rapid shallow breaths, his eyes sunken and darkened. The middle child moved his arm and lifted his head in analysis. 

“He seems dehydrated…” He stated simply, his voice naturally quiet and lulling as it had been before. “He might die out here…”

Kadaj stared at the unconscious body. All his questions about this punishment snapped into place, completing the puzzle with a single realization. Too much had already changed. They couldn’t risk any greater ‘butterfly effect’ without risking wherever Mother was. “Loz, pick him up. We’re taking him to Midgar.”

The eldest acted immediately. “I got it.”

“Do you think he knows where Mother is…?”

“No. But I think he’s our best chance at finding her. He always seems to be around- what are you doing?”

Loz managed to lift Big Brother’s arm over his shoulder, but the other half practically dragged through the dirt. 

Kadaj glanced at the middle sibling. “Yazoo.”

He nodded, already adjusting to help.

“No, I got it,” Loz grumbled, turning the body just out of reach.

“You do not got it. Everything’s a mess.” He countered with a snip in his voice, approaching the blade. “I’ll grab his sword. Let’s go.”

Yazoo aided as much as he could with his slightly shorter height than his brother, balancing the blonde between them. Kadaj picked up the hilt, dragging the tip on the ground, not wasting energy trying to lift it or prevent the horrid wear on the blade itself. They needed water, food, probably gil, and any weapons they could get their hands on, if they wanted a chance at saving Big Brother.

It was a long way to Midgar.

* * * 

The smell of garbage and rot under the plate always filled the air, smog skewing the natural light from the gaps within the structure. The dirt roads and barely functioning homes were just a part of life here. A roof was almost a luxury. Afterall, it wasn’t like they got any rain or snow here. Monsters within the dumps were usually problems, but communities set up watches and hunting sessions to protect the normal civilian life.Life was, to an extent, peaceful. 

Besides the resistance the black haired woman housed under her bar, a bar she currently needed to stock. 

Upper plate always had the best product anyway. This was routine by now. Every Monday and Thursday, she made her way to the train station, took it to Sector Zero, collected what she needed, and headed back. An ever mundane task compared to the actual looting of Shinra facilities her friends conducted at night, and housed spoils beneath her workplace. 

Today, this simple life flipped on its head. 

She dropped the empty box in her arms. There was no mistaking it. He changed. He grew, but he still kept his blonde hair spiky as a palm tree. He was taller, stronger by the shape of his muscles, clothed head to toe in SOLDIER fatigues, just as he promised all those years ago. His skin was pale, but he still had color in his face. His mako blue eyes were open but empty, lost, hollow. But it was still Cloud Strife in front of her, leaning against that platform.

But…who were the three boys with him? 

All of their hair shined with perfect mercury. They couldn’t be older than ten, shorter in stature, but stronger than they seemed at first glance. One had long hair, one only had it to his shoulders, but the last, and the bulkiest, had his cut short and pushed up. 

For a moment, she felt herself distracted from Cloud, when the smallest glared daggers directly into her eyes, mako blue inhuman needles staring straight into her soul.

He looked like Him. They all looked like Him.

They figured someone would come for Big Brother eventually, but he couldn’t be left alone. Nor would they let him be alone. Occasionally, he mumbled incomprehensibly, calling out to something or someone. They just ignored it. Yazoo acted caringly and offered bottled water directly to his chapped lips, but he always took too small a sip than he needed, if he drank any at all. Loz stayed close while surveying the people disembarking the trains, watching for someone to recognize their brother. Kadaj did the same with the crowd coming from the slums, which is how he alone found himself locked in a staring contest with one of their enemies. 

He tensed his hand, ready to whip out the pocket knife he found in the rubble and garbage. “What do you want?” 

The other two looked over immediately. 

His voice cut her like a knife, the anger, almost malice behind her catching her off guard. Dark. Cruel. Burning. “I- I…” Her heart suddenly pounded in her chest, reacting to her memories and leaking panic slowly into her mind. For now it was just anxiety, but she felt it growing. She needed to protect Cloud. She needed him before she let this show. “Is- Is that Cloud?”

They nodded, still skeptical, still defending. Loz approached as well, blocking part of her view but observing carefully. 

“H- How did you find him? Is he okay?”

“We found him unconscious in the planes beyond Midgar…” Yazoo explained, earning a soft glare from Kadaj. “It didn’t seem like he would make it, and well… we chose to bring him here…”

“I can help him,” She explained quickly as she took a step forward, but the two in front of her blocked her path. “I live nearby. I can take him from here and make him better.”

“You are not taking Big Brother!” Loz demanded, clenching his fists and standing at the ready. 

Big Brother? Bewilderment claimed her expression. Cloud didn’t have any siblings. That didn’t make any sense. “What are you talking about?”

“Ti…fa…?”

Her breath hitched, and all of them snapped their eyes to the stirring blonde. 

“T-Tifa…?” Cloud pushed himself to his feet too quickly, stumbling forward from the unbalanced blood rush. Yazoo grabbed his arm to stabilize him. Once on his feet, he didn't react to the boy at all. His blue eyes instantly glued to the black haired woman. 

The two guarding boys parted and let Tifa run to Cloud. 

“Cloud, it’s really you!” She was so happy she almost jumped into his arms, but he was a bit wobbly on his feet, his mind still partially dull with weak vertigo from his time in the wasteland. 

His body nearly collapsed on her, and she found her arms wrapped around him in support rather than a hug. “S-Sorry…” His eyes blurred as he tried to lift himself back to his feet. 

Did he really just apologize for fainting?

“I’m glad you’re okay…”

Tifa squeezed him softly before adjusting him over her shoulder. “Don’t be sorry. Come on. We’re going to my place, okay? I’ll patch you up there…”

He gave a reluctant, embarrassed nod. But he lost consciousness immediately after, the moment Tifa took her first step away from the track.

Now, all three boys blocked her path in a single impenetrable wall. A shaky and unnerved sigh that left her breath. She didn’t like them. She didn’t like the feeling in her gut or the memories they brought. But, they did save Cloud, and they clearly protected him from anything they could. Maybe that ‘big brother’ statement was just a story they fabricated to stay with him, especially since they look nothing like him. Maybe, since they brought him all the way to Midgar, they wanted to confirm that he was okay. She hoped they’d leave after that. She prayed.

“You guys too. Come on.”

All three remnants surrounded her and Cloud, the smaller two in front and the largest behind. They still acted like guards. But at least the long haired one picked up the box she completely forgot about as they headed for the bar in the Sector Seven slums.

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Thanks for reading!

To be continued…

Author's note: It's my first time writing the remnants! I've been wanting to for a while but I never knew how to apply their personalities to most situations. I also have a very nostalgic attachment to Advent Children (music, fight scenes, some of the voice acting) so I wanted to do this right, not just a joke and not where I need to fill in most of the world, at least to start. Thus: another adapted time travel AU. 

This won't be too many chapters (I think) but I hope it's a good time. Thanks for reading!

Okay so I have a lot of thoughts about the whole thing of the Gerudo being a race of entirely women, with the only exception being one man born every hundred years, and that man automatically being their king. Now this worldbuilding comes from Ocarina of Time, and there's obviously a metric fuckton of unfortunate implications there, because it was 1998. And it seems that Tears of the Kingdom is sticking with the lore of Gerudo men being extremely rare and becoming the King of their people, which once again has a metric fuckton of unfortunate implications because it's 2023 and Nintendo has somehow gotten even worse about this shit.

But let's set aside the whole... everything, and look at this from just the in-universe perspective. How does it work? I mean, it's pretty clear that there is no overlap between the kings; the old ones are normally long gone by the time a new one is born, but the Gerudo manage to take care of themselves during the hangtime. So they must have an established system of government and leadership that doesn't involve a king, and somehow that system is set up in a way that does a smooth transfer of power once a new king is born and old enough to take the throne. But why bother always declaring a random guy to be your King when you already have a perfectly functional system in place?

I mean again, the whole thing has a lot of sexist implications, but we're not looking at this from a real world context, we're examining it in-universe. And we could just go the lazy route and say that their king is in charge just because he's the only man, but I don't like that. I mean come on, the Gerudo are a race of entirely women, and most of their outside problems come from Hylian men being creepy about it. They are entirely a matriarchy; there is literally no reason for their culture to have an inherent respect for men, even if the man in question is one of them. And they're desert people; they live in an extremely harsh and dangerous landscape, if they don't have their shit together, they will die. By sheer necessity, their culture needs to put a lot of value in being practical, because if they're stupid about things, people die. They really can't afford to have a shitty leader take over, and just letting some guy take the wheel doesn't really fit with the way their culture must otherwise work.

So again, why the fuck do they bother having a King?

I think it's mainly just a ceremonial position. Yes, if the guy is a good leader he'll be in charge, but if he isn't good at being a King or isn't interested in the job... fuck it, they've already got a functional government system that's been leading their people the whole time, why fix what isn't broken? The title of Gerudo King isn't about leadership or power. I think it's more about belonging. Because the Gerudo are a culture where every single one of them can be defined in the same way... and there is exactly one exception once a century. Men are considered to be inherently outsiders at the best of times, and more often they're enemies. A man born into this culture is a natural outsider; he is completely unique, and that means he doesn't really fit into his community. And well... when someone is fundamentally different from the rest of their community, they tend to be ostracized.

So I think that's why the position of Gerudo King exists. It isn't about them needing or even wanting a man to lead them. The title of King doesn't need to involve any leadership at all. It's about giving the man born every century a place in their society. It's a way of saying yes, you are one of us, you are a Gerudo, you belong here, you are wanted and you are loved.

The Gerudo know that every hundred years, one of their children will be fundamentally different from all of his peers. And so their society is built to ensure that a child who is completely different from them will still be loved and accepted. He will always have a place in their society. He doesn't need to earn their love, he has it just for existing. These are his people.

The title of Gerudo King isn't an inherent position of authority. It's a promise of acceptance.

abandonware should be public domain. force companies to actively support and provide products if they don't wanna lose the rights to them

I feel confident enough to post these now. A collection of all the existing posters after some edits from the other post that got 13k notes! These are full size/quality. Go nuts.

You may use them for wallpapers, tabletop campaigns, whatever. Consider tipping me (do people use kofi for that or tumblr's built in system? Let me know what you prefer) or buying a print or sticker here! If you do use them, let me know what for, or send pictures!

snoopy of the day

so i just saw this and i’m not sure how i feel about it

feel free to explain - if you can? i’m still a little 🤔 abt it personally - in the tags