I Know "60s Housewives Who Invented Slash Fanfiction" Has Taken On A Life Of Its Own As A Phrase, But

my anaconda don’t my anaconda don’t my anaconda don’t want none I’m asexual, hon

saw a video that was like “everybody comment what you did today so we can see how everyone experienced something different” and the comments have me tearing up on this train. what the fuckkkk. the human experience

Okay so I have a lot of thoughts about the whole thing of the Gerudo being a race of entirely women, with the only exception being one man born every hundred years, and that man automatically being their king. Now this worldbuilding comes from Ocarina of Time, and there's obviously a metric fuckton of unfortunate implications there, because it was 1998. And it seems that Tears of the Kingdom is sticking with the lore of Gerudo men being extremely rare and becoming the King of their people, which once again has a metric fuckton of unfortunate implications because it's 2023 and Nintendo has somehow gotten even worse about this shit.

But let's set aside the whole... everything, and look at this from just the in-universe perspective. How does it work? I mean, it's pretty clear that there is no overlap between the kings; the old ones are normally long gone by the time a new one is born, but the Gerudo manage to take care of themselves during the hangtime. So they must have an established system of government and leadership that doesn't involve a king, and somehow that system is set up in a way that does a smooth transfer of power once a new king is born and old enough to take the throne. But why bother always declaring a random guy to be your King when you already have a perfectly functional system in place?

I mean again, the whole thing has a lot of sexist implications, but we're not looking at this from a real world context, we're examining it in-universe. And we could just go the lazy route and say that their king is in charge just because he's the only man, but I don't like that. I mean come on, the Gerudo are a race of entirely women, and most of their outside problems come from Hylian men being creepy about it. They are entirely a matriarchy; there is literally no reason for their culture to have an inherent respect for men, even if the man in question is one of them. And they're desert people; they live in an extremely harsh and dangerous landscape, if they don't have their shit together, they will die. By sheer necessity, their culture needs to put a lot of value in being practical, because if they're stupid about things, people die. They really can't afford to have a shitty leader take over, and just letting some guy take the wheel doesn't really fit with the way their culture must otherwise work.

So again, why the fuck do they bother having a King?

I think it's mainly just a ceremonial position. Yes, if the guy is a good leader he'll be in charge, but if he isn't good at being a King or isn't interested in the job... fuck it, they've already got a functional government system that's been leading their people the whole time, why fix what isn't broken? The title of Gerudo King isn't about leadership or power. I think it's more about belonging. Because the Gerudo are a culture where every single one of them can be defined in the same way... and there is exactly one exception once a century. Men are considered to be inherently outsiders at the best of times, and more often they're enemies. A man born into this culture is a natural outsider; he is completely unique, and that means he doesn't really fit into his community. And well... when someone is fundamentally different from the rest of their community, they tend to be ostracized.

So I think that's why the position of Gerudo King exists. It isn't about them needing or even wanting a man to lead them. The title of King doesn't need to involve any leadership at all. It's about giving the man born every century a place in their society. It's a way of saying yes, you are one of us, you are a Gerudo, you belong here, you are wanted and you are loved.

The Gerudo know that every hundred years, one of their children will be fundamentally different from all of his peers. And so their society is built to ensure that a child who is completely different from them will still be loved and accepted. He will always have a place in their society. He doesn't need to earn their love, he has it just for existing. These are his people.

The title of Gerudo King isn't an inherent position of authority. It's a promise of acceptance.

me, seeing that peter’s dust death turned into the biggest meme of 2018: he would have wanted this

I feel like asexuals would make great sidekicks for pansexuals. Or pansexuals would make great sidekicks for asexuals. Really, the pansexuals could go either way.

Top 20 Funniest Things about Star Wars, in No Particular Order

1. Darth Maul repeatedly dying and then randomly turning up for absolutely no narrative reason, exclusively to ruin Obi-Wan’s day

2. Hondo Ohnaka in general

        2.a. Bonus: Hondo and Maul competing to be Ezra’s Weird Crime Uncle

3. Dave Filoni being forced to spend 6 7 seasons doing narrative backflips to keep Anakin and Grievous from meeting, because of one throwaway line in ROTS about Grievous being short

4. The B1 Battle Droids in any given moment of the Clone Wars, but especially during the movie

       e.g. those two droids on top of the cliff at Teth, arguing about seeing the approaching clone army and fighting over the binoculars, and one of them just fuckin FALLS of the cliff and the other one goes “get BACK HERE          sergeant”

       also e.g. Rex and like, one other guy, completely surrounded by droids and Rex is like “surrender! we have you outnumbered!” and one of the droids is like “hang on” and actually stARTS COUNTING

5. Grievous bailing hard the moment anything goes remotely wrong 

6. Anakin stabbing a guy in cold blood as the Imperial March plays in the background and then looking all offended at Obi-Wan and going “WHAT? he was gonna blow up the ship!”     

7. Dave Filoni’s incessant need to put wolves in Star Wars

8. the fact that the Mandalorian almost died and earned his clan signet on an errand to fetch brunch for a bunch of jawas

9. Rex’s plan on the Rishi Moon base: “ok so to get into the base currently occupied by droids, i’m going to hold a droid head up to the camera and do my best droid impression and ask them nicely to open the door” and it WORKED

        bonus 9.a: that same episode, Cody’s reaction to Rex shooting one of their brothers (as far as he knew) right in the face was “HECK”

10. Kallus, to Ezra and Kanan: ok you have to knock me out so i don’t get caught as a spy. it has to be convincing.

Ezra: ok *uses the force to fucking YEET kallus through like three panes of glass*

Kanan: EZRA

Ezra: WHAT? that is convincing

Kanan: yeah, but i was gonna do it

11. Kylo Ren stalking into the war room and going “i sense… unease… about my appearance.” and all the generals rushing to compliment his new mask

12. those two stormtroopers in TFA walking around the corner, seeing Kylo Ren having a tantrum and beating up a console with his lightsaber, and just quietly backing away

13. Stormtrooper bonking his head in A New Hope

14. Rex bonking his head on a pipe

15. “It’s ok that we’re here.” “It’s ok that you’re here.” “It’s GREAT that you’re here.” “You’re relieved that we’re here.” “THANK GOODNESS you’re here” “Welcome, guys.”

16. the fact that Palpatine was is still so pissed off about Anakin slam-dunking him down the garbage chute at the end of Return of the Jedi that he had a giant pit built in his Secret Backup Fortress specifically so that he could throw Anakin’s grandson down it thirty years later like that level of PETTINESS

17. Darth Bane was voiced by MARK FUCKING HAMIL

18. Boba Fett dies by blind, confused Han Solo going “BOBA FETT?? WHERE????” and spinning around and accidentally backhanding him into the Sarlacc Pit (of course he’s not really dead shhhhhh fuck you disney)

19. those two scout troopers in episode 8 of the Mandalorian, having captured Baby Yoda and radioing in to try to tell Moff Gideon that they captured the asset like “is he available yet” “yeah, he just killed an officer for interrupting him, so it could be a while.” “ugh ok whatever. Standing by. Still.”

20. the fact that, from Obi-Wan’s point of view, ROTS is just fucking bonkers. Like, he and Anakin rescue the chancellor, everything’s going well, he tells Anakin he’s proud of him, and then he leaves to kill Grievous and just when he succeeds and the war is just about over, Cody tries to shoot him off a cliff and when he makes it back to Coruscant, Anakin is slaughtering a bunch of children and swearing allegiance to a Sith Lord and Obi-Wan has NO IDEA what the FUCK happened there

21. Twilight of the Apprentice from Darth Vader’s point of view: you chase down a bunch of Rebels to a secret Sith Planet. You go to the Temple. Surprise! Your old apprentice is there, along with some random jedi kid. She forces the kid to flee the collapsing temple, and then you proceed to have a big ol’ lightsaber fight but like THIRTY SECONDS LATER, a portal opens up in mid-air, the SAME KID but with a different haircut pops out, grabs your apprentice, and just fuckin vanishes. Poof. Gone. Like, that is just something that happened to Darth Vader one day and it’s just something he had to deal with.

22. JJ Abrams dedicating an entire scene in Rise of Skywalker to calling out Rian Johnson’s shitty Luke-related decisions from TLJ. Rey throwing away the lightsaber and ForceGhost!Luke catching it and going “wow hey maybe treat a Jedi’s weapon with a little more respect RIAN” and “hey Rey don’t do what I did and fuck off to the ass-end of nowhere for twenty years and refuse to do anything useful because that was really stupid and pointless and out of character of me, wasn’t it RIAN”

Today in niche genres of joke that I can never get enough of and will probably still be secretly thinking about four years later

In light of the fact that the theory that Aurora is a Megabird has become popular in the fandom, I came to express my own opinion on this. I am not questioning that Aurora is a deity (this is obvious), I am only questioning that she is powerful enough to be a force that rotates the universe. And so let's figure it out in order:

1. ORBrora

Our brains all exploded when suddenly Aurora covered the Colosseum with her power and transported us to some other place. It also exploded for me, but when I put it back together by the middle of the song, I began to think about how she did it. And the game itself gave us the answer. Bubble.

The same bubble that she creates before the start of each song.

Her power is limited on the outside, but inside the orb built by her voice, she creates reality herself. So during "Runaway" she showed us the Isle of Dawn even before it became a desert, because this is how she saw it, and this is how it looked in the time of Alef. In fact, we did not leave the Colosseum, otherwise how can we explain that we never moved during the entire concert, although it would seem that we flew half the world. Aurora only takes our mind on a journey while the body remains in still.

Inside the bubble, she is god, and this smoothly takes us to the next argument.

2. Color theory.

Someday I will explain how such a distribution of colors goes into the roots of the lore, and explains the reason why the Storm started and why Skykids are powerless in front of it. But we have come to talk about Aurora and her divine origin.

Yellow is the color of light, the color of a Megabird. And everything that came from her has a yellow accent on it. Well:

What color is Aurora in her bubble?

Boom. Megabird.

What color is Aurora in reality?

Boom. Classic spirit.

What color is Aurora in its true form?

Bo-what?

Yellow is not completely gone. Only half. No other spirit has a yellow color (and a divine form). So Aurora stands above simple spirits. Even above the constellations guides. But then who the hell is she???

Here is my answer:

Aurora is a guide for us Skykids.

No, well, you judge for yourself.

1. The symbol of Aurora is golden wings. What does it mean? The symbol of the season always has a special connection with its participants. But no one except Aurora has wings.

And now remember where else we have seen similar wings.

Does it look similar? But that's not all.

2. Aurora can talk to us.

In all of history, only the Little Prince could talk to us. Because he's our friend. Does this mean that Aurora is also our friend. That's what it means. But what distinguishes her from Prince is that she seems to be able to understand us. She calls the Skykids to dialogue. And if she really understands our speech, then that makes her the ONLY character capable of it. It seems she has a special connection with the Skykids. She knows who we are, about our mission and how it will end. She has seen the Orbit and is able to rebuild it in her simulation. Moreover, it takes us to the real Orbit. She is the voice that greets us at the beginning of our journey and she also guides us to its end. She is our guide. It is not for nothing that we are told this phrase at the beginning of the game:

3. The essence of the Skykids.

Skykids are sensitive to sounds. They do not know how to write, read, draw, but they know musical notation from birth and are able to use various musical instruments. That's why we follow the ringing of the bells, and Aurora calls us with her voice (both in seasonal quests and at a concert). Skykids love music. And Aurora seems to know that.

And that we have:

Mega Bird is the patron saint of nature and animals.

Aurora is the mentor of the Skykids.

"But how is that? We can't have two gods of light!"

How not? How can it not be, my dear ones?! When in the season of Shattering we were confirmed that there were TWO MEMORIES on the side of the light!

It was right under our noses, and we didn't pay attention to it! And if you look at the trees of the essences of light from the season, you will notice that one of them is longer than the other. So one of the entities is more powerful.

That's my verdict. Aurora is not a Megabird, but an ally of Megabird. She also has a certain power, but she is weaker than the main god of light. And she's also a great singer. It's all. Thank you all for reading this.