Interviewer: So, How Would You Describe Your Relationship With Your Jedi?

idea: scene with two characters eagerly stripping each other clearly about to bone, but they keep getting interrupted by finding carefully concealed weapons in each other’s clothing, so they keep just unholstering, revealing and unstrapping increasingly ludicrous amounts of hidden guns and knives as the clothes come off, and it’s lowkey killing the mood a little

Humans are weird: Their own worst enemy

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps) Taken from memoir of Levire Gaston

“When my people first made contact with humanity I must speak truthfully and admit I did not think much of them.

Their bodies were not but soft flesh and brittle bones and their egos were even more fragile. They were quick to anger, lacking in the nuances of conversation, and seemed to prefer the direct approach in all matters as if it was something to be proud of.

I had spoken out against allying ourselves with them as I saw little to gain from such an agreement but my government thought it would be better and aligned ourselves with the pink skins.

The day I went alongside them to war is one I still remember as clear as day after more than two centuries.

It is truly an astonishing sight to watch a professional human warrior go about their work. All their brashness, all their stubbornness, all their childish habits are turned off with the flick of a switch and they became the monsters the universe seems to now label them as.

Their efficiency was matched only by their ruthlessness as they laid waste to our enemies. I watched a platoon of them charge across open ground while under heavy fire with only one surviving to reach the other side; what’s more rather than retreat the soldier continued the mission and destroyed the enemy emplacement even as their life’s blood ran out of their wounds like rivers of anguish and pain.

I had expected the soldier to expire from their sustained damage or retreat back to the safety of the rear lines to recover, yet they merely bandaged themselves with a small medkit and cauterized their more severe wounds over a nearby flame before continuing on.

After the battle I sought out that human soldier and over time we became close friends. Despite the many wars we fought together over the years to come I had never saw them lose focus or cower in the face of overwhelming odds. Truly they were a beacon of what all who carry arms should strive to.

Even after we exited military service we remained close friends and we corresponded frequently with each other. On several occasions we even met each other’s families, our bond of brotherhood remaining strong as ever.

One year I remember inviting them to a hunting trip on my homeworld for a relaxing getaway. The forests of the Great Chasm were rich and vibrant with all manner of life and we collected many a trophy. Yet so fervent had we been in the hunt that we had lost track of time and found nightfall surrounding us while we still lay miles from the nearest vestiges of civilization.

My friend insisted they we hurry back and leave but I told him that these woods warped perspective at night and we would become lost in the branches. They continued to say if they dropped their trophies and just left now we could make it, but I merely laughed and began setting up camp for the night.

As night finally consumed us we sat around the fire and shared a drink from my personal container. They seemed to need it more that night as I noticed their eyes never seemed to rest on a single spot for long and when he stretched his back he was actually using it as an excuse to look behind him. Something was clearly bothering them, but when I asked they merely laughed and evaded the question.

We sat by the fire for two hours before I went to sleep while they continued to stoke the fire and keep their eyes focused on the darkness.

I’m not sure how long I was asleep for when I was woken by the sounds of gunfire. I threw my blanket off and raised my own weapon that had been by my side. What I saw as my eyes blinked into focus was something I had not witnessed in all my life.

My friend, survivor of a hundred battles and a dozen wars, was whimpering and sobbing like a new born babe while firing blindly into the night.

I called out to them and demanded to know what they were firing at but their response was mumbled and distorted.

“It’s out there.”

That was one of the few things I could understand from my friend.

“It’s out there and it wants me.”

When I tried to ask who was out there I heard a night comoko bird howl and my friend spun on their heels and fired wildly. I dove for cover as they continued firing erratically, chunks of wood and stone flying like a blizzard as the bullets tore through them.

I heard a distinct clicking sound and knew they had run out of ammunition. As soon as I heard the magazine being ejected I rolled out and tackled my friend to the ground.

“Get a hold of yourself!” I remember shouting over and over as they struggled in my grasp.

I got a glimpse of their face in the moon light and it was like nothing I had seen before.

There was nothing there but pure fear.

It smothered him so deeply in its embrace that they had lost all reason and logic and only wished to survive from this unseen horror.

When they reached for their knife I knew I had no choice and punched them square across the jaw so hard they blacked out till next morning.

They did not speak a word to me the next morning when they did wake up, nor on the trek back to where we had left our vehicle to return home. Only during the ride back did they speak of what happened, and then we swore never to speak of it again.

While I was nestled in the comfort of slumber my friend was awake in the dark, and in that dark place his mind began to wonder; their mind becoming ever more warped and strung with each passing minute.

Every creek of wood became an unseen voice, every rustle of leaves a growl of an unknown monster, every animal call in the night the herald of a nightmare coming to slay him.

I had hunted many years in those woods with my father and not once had I felt the things they described to me. I told them this and said that everything they heard was natural for the forest, but they just shook their head and sighed.

“The mind hears what it wants to hear.” They said to me.

After they left to return to their own family I did some research on what they said and found to my horror that they were not entirely wrong.

The human capacity for imagination was well known, but what was seemingly overlooked was that humans lacked the ability to turn it off. Their minds could jump from thought to though faster than they could even breathe and what had started as the whimpers of a small rodent had led to my friends mind believing it was hearing the cackles of a nightmarish creature from beyond.

Their very mind had created the fear that drove them to madness.“

I like to imagine that at least once during the clone wars someone sent a report to General Kenobi and a very tired Master Kenobi just graded it and sent it back.

Look, if it helps y’all feel any better, try imagining Actor AU.

Personally, my idea of Actor AU includes:

Hunter’s actor is actually goofy and leans in hard to the dad vibes. His hair is, in fact, quite real, much to the dismay of his cast mates. Omega may have recorded BTS snaps of everyone and his included attempting to play dad rock on a guitar he keeps in his trailer.

Wrecker’s actor is actually the Smart Guy, having a degree in something complex like biochemical engineering or something. He’s also quieter and a lot more gentle than the character he plays, preferring to spend his time off-camera reading.

Echo’s actor likes to crack jokes a lot, specifically about how he’s the guy who always has to be in the makeup chair “at the crack of dawn’s ass”. Hunter, Wrecker, and Crosshair get an earful of playful fussing if he hears them whine about sitting still for their tattoo or scar makeup. Actually has a prosthesis, though his is for one of his legs.

Tech’s actually got a degree in English (“Why else would I be acting?”) and while he’s also on the spectrum, he’s a bit less rigid than the character he plays. He sometimes wishes his character was more forward about things but ultimately respects the sass. His Kiwi accent is a bit stronger outside of the role.

Crosshair’s actor … is ironically nearsighted. Initially, the reason he always seemed to be glaring was because he was trying to get used to the contacts he was given for the first shoot the Batch ever appeared in and it just suited him. Surprisingly chill guy otherwise, very aware of how intimidating he can come off as by looks alone.

Omega is the most like her on-screen character. Just a really cheery, outgoing girl! She brings her homework to do on set sometimes, and asks Wrecker for help since he’s the one who’s best at math and science.

Everyone is always joking about the hair situation: Hunter’s hair is real, they keep having to shave Echo’s hair, Wrecker prefers to be bald, Tech’s hair is actually curly and he hates how it constantly must be jacked up for the sake of his character (think Cillian Murphy’s feelings a la Peaky Blinders), and Crosshair made jokes about how he was so used to dyeing it that he no longer remembers what his hair color actually is. Then when they made him bald (even if by use of a bald cap), Echo and Wrecker chanted “One of us! One of us!” Omega’s hair is naturally blonde and cute so the costumers left it that way.

Once, Omega snapped a pic of Echo in the middle of his makeup regimen all powdered up. Fans saw and quickly began to compare him to a baby covered in powder. Echo liked the image and comparison so much that he printed it out and taped it to his mirror. Now, a common meme that he happily plays around with is “Echo is Baby.” Sometimes, he’ll even deepen his voice and go, “I  a m  B a b y” just to get a laugh out of someone.

Interviewer: So one of the things that makes the Batch stand out is how they’re generally unafraid of experimenting with their appearances, tattoo-wise in some cases. Are there any tattoos you’d perhaps like to get? Anything like the characters you play? Hunter: Oh, not at all! A face tattoo?! That big!? I’d pass right out right in the chair! Crosshair: Same. I think Crosshair’s tattoo is more about intimidation, and frankly I think I’m scary enough. That, and I don’t know what the guy was on to be able to withstand a tattoo to the face, but I don’t have any of that on me so I doubt that’s ever gonna happen. Hunter: Yeah, the closest thing I think I could do is maybe something on my arm. Maybe my child’s hand print or something of that nature. Crosshair: Ooh, a good old dad classic. Hunter: Yeah! Wrecker: I actually haven’t thought about getting a tattoo since, like, my university years. But hey, who knows? I’ve been told I have plenty of real estate for it! Echo, sheepishly laughing: I like the idea of tattoos, but needles freak me out. Yeah, I know it’s a different type of needle but like?? I don’t like pain!! I think the best I could do is just keep applying one of those temporary tattoos to the same place over and over to create the illusion of having actual ink on me. Maybe mess around with people and skip a day or two. Or better yet: Change out the design! One day there’s a dolphin on my neck, the next day it’s a tiger! Omega: Mum says no tattoos until I turn 18. But I’d like to get a Batcher helmet as commemoration! Tech: I actually have a tattoo! I mean, it’s nothing like what Tech would probably have. I feel like if he ever got any ink, it’d probably be something geeky like his favorite equation, or something symbolic of the galaxy bottled up into a formula of some kind. I imagine that if he wanted something artsier, he’d probably outsource to someone with more artistic skills. Tech: Anyway, my tattoo is of a turtle! Everyone: *is either looking at him or snickering* Crosshair: …  A turtle. Tech: What’ve you got against turtles?

Omega convinces the guys to participate in some TikToks and such “for media purposes”. This ends in Wrecker, in character, saying, “Hunter: Omega’s trying to sneak around. But I’m dummy thicc, and the clap of my butt and meaty fists keep alerting the guards!”

Yes: Everyone wishes they could have a lightsaber. Yes: Everyone would most definitely make the lightsaber noises if they had one. And yes: Everyone makes do with their blasters, but they do revert into children who go “pew pew!” every time they pull the triggers. Even Crosshair’s actor, who more so goes “pow” or “bang”.

Interviewer: How are you like the characters you play, if at all? Hunter: I’m a cool dad with awesome hair. Omega: We’re both very curious! Wrecker: I don’t think we – Oh, you know what? We both love Lula! Echo: You mean aside from a prosthesis? Uuummm … Ppprobably … We both love a godawful pun! Tech: I think we both like to collect knowledge for the sake of it. And also, we drive like crazy. Crosshair: We can both be a bit catty

Tech’s actor is constantly fumbling his lines simply because of all the technobabble he has to say.

I do not know why but the image of Crosshair’s actor being a surprisingly good juggler haunts the cinema of my mind’s eye.

And also … They are most definitely Maori or of Maori descent, so jot that tf down.

Don’t know how it’ll help, but Actor AUs are simply The Best™️ so that in and of itself has my stamp of approval for cheering up!

I like stories where a normal human child is being raised by a sinister supernatural being who is totally malevolent except when it comes to their kid. Those are so much better than the “kids are scary” changeling type horror movies.

212TH ONE-SHOT

@metalhusbands :one of the clones gets stuck in a vent - chaos insues

As you wish!!!!

(got the idea from @212th-chaos and @obiwanshusband tooka chaos)

---------

"What do you mean it's IN the vent?!?!" Cody practically yelled, throwing his arms up in exaggeration.

Waxer bowed his head, hiding his hands behind his back. "I didn't realize the vent cover was off so it sprinted towards it, I tried to grab it and it bit me and disappeared…"

Cody pinched the bridge of his nose as he let out a drawn-out sigh. "There's a tooka loose in the ven- wait did you say it bit you?"

Waxer shrugged, still hiding his hands. "It's not that bad, sir."

Cody gave him an unbelieving glare. "Nice try. Med bay. Now," He pointed down the hall. "I'll go find someone to help find the damned thing."

Waxer nodded, heading towards the medbay as Cody started towards the barracks.

As the Commander got closer, he could hear laughing and yelling coming from beyond the door to the barracks. He wasn't sure what he expected to see beyond the door but he definitely didn't expect what he did find.

"Commander!" Boil shot up from where he was crouched on the floor. Next to him, someone was sticking halfway out of a vent, their waist up hidden inside. Boil looked from Cody to whoever was in the vent, back to Cody.

Cody crossed his arms, trying his best to refrain from laughing. "What the hell happened?"

Around Boil, other troopers were failing to control their laughter. "Well, sir," Boil started, barely containing his own laughter, "Waxer lost a tooka in the vent and Wooley saw it and tried to grab it and well…" he motioned to the pair of legs, "he got stuck."

Cody couldn't stop the amused chuckle as Wooley started to kicked his legs.

"Will you stop karking laughing and get me the kriff out?!?" Wooley's muffled yell only caused the boys to keel over laughing once more.

"I'm assuming pulling him out didn't work, then?" Cody asked, leaning against the door frame.

"We tried," Longshot piped up. "But his squeaking as we tried to pull him out-" he fell into a fit of giggles.

"So what you're saying is you bunch of di'kuts were all laughing too hard to pull him out?" Cody asked, his amused smirk never leaving his face.

"No, yeah. That about sums it up sir," Trapper put in between wheeze.

Cody was more laughing at his troopers trying their best to say things in a professional manner all while doubled over wheezing than Wooley screaming profanities through the vent.

"So," Cody made his way over, lightly kicking Wooley's leg. "How bout you lot get him out of the vent so we can find the missing tooka before it bites someone else?"

"I like that plan!" Wooley called out, kicking his legs again, accidentally hitting Cody in the process.

Unfortunately for Wooley, that just sent them all laughing again. Crys, who hadn't said a word since Cody arrived, was now struggling to breath, curled into a ball on the floor.

"What the kriff did I miss?"

Cody turned to see Waxer now standing in the open doorway, a bandage wrapped neatly around his hand.

Cody leaned his back against the wall, sparing a glance at Wooley. "Seems your tooka caused a bit of chaos in your absence."

Waxer chuckled to himself before walking over to Wooley, grabbing his leg and yanking hard. Wooley slid free from the vent and Waxer landed on his ass, wincing as his bandaged hand hit the floor.

Wooley rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling before getting up and launching himself at Boil who practically screamed. Wooley wrestled his vod to the floor. "This is for not getting me out, you karking di'kut!" He yelled as he put Boil in a headlock.

No one came to Boil's rescue and he squirmed to attempt to free himself.

Cody didn't move from his spot against the wall, content to watch the chaos unfold.

Wooley released Boil and latched himself to Longshot who started screaming at Crys to help him. Crys was of no help, still fighting to catch his breath.

Waxer stood up, stopping beside his Commander and his vode rolled around on the floor. "Should we-?"

"Nah," Cody interrupted. "They'll figure it out,"

Cody's attention was quickly drawn back to the vent as a soft meow was heard. Beside his foot the tabby tooka, also watching the chaos it had unknowingly caused.

"There's the little shit!" Wooley's voice called out.

"GET IT!"

I had to do Anakin on Mustafar for the palette Volcano. It just had to be done.

Secret Clones AU

Short version: Secret Clones AU is the clones going into hiding in plain sight across the galaxy to force a fair wage and also to keep the babies safe from Kaminoans

The clones figure out the plan to take advantage of them, brain chips, etc. several years before the war hits. IDK how, maybe Jango decided to take a closer look with Mij and went Oh Shit. Doesn't matter. Point is, they caught on and decided that they needed to uhhhhh get Out.

There are millions of clones, yes, but there are tens of thousands of planets.

Once the chips are out and someone's jabbed them with anti-aging serum... they're not that different from standard humans.

And it's not exactly hard to tie up the Kaminoans long enough to get off planet.

So what happens is that a while, let's say a year and a half, before the war kicks off, you have a mass exodus from Kamino, and a wide dispersal of clones. They are generally staying together in groups of about half a dozen, claiming to be brothers, so that there's a 16-18-ish looking clone to take lead, with progressively younger cadets to look after. Each one has a commander they can 'report' to in case of emergency, and if something goes real bad, they can call in an Alpha (and Alphas can call in Jango in a worst case scenario).

It's still sort of a military structure, but... it's a phone tree.

And you have one of these groups of half a dozen clones in every major city. There are thousands of planets, and most of those planets have more than one city. Denon and Coruscant are nothing but city, so they can get counted as dozens of cities on their own. It's easy to disappear in places like that.

It's so easy for the clones, before anyone knows them, to just... disappear. Go into hiding in plain sight.

It's not like more than a handful of people know what to look for.

(It's not like they have a centralized record of who went where.)

(It's just the phone tree.)

They still get real excited-happy-eager when they run into a Jedi.

They want to work with Jedi. They're the good guys! And they're cool!

But your army did a mass desertion before the war started and finding/recruiting all of them is going to take a stupid amount of money. You cannot hire a bounty hunter for each and every clone.

And as @bytebun put it:

Somebody two years later: you look …familiar. Have we met? Clone: haha I get that a lot just one of those faces

AND THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE THE GALAXY IS HECKING MASSIVE

I think the Republic has to like… negotiate with Jango and the Alphas and set up paid contracts if they want these Ultra Skilled Warriors to fight for them.

The clones can fight. Some of them even want to fight. They are good at this and they recognize that many of the things that are occurring under Separatist invasion are Mega Bad.

But like. Pay them and treat them as citizens, first.

The Jedi are even more confused about this identical army that really loves them than they are in canon Where the heck did you guys come from Who trained you Why do you like us What the heck is going on

"Someone wanted us to be a trap for you but we took the trap out. Here we have a sample if you want. Anyway. We like you guys and want to fight with you because honestly civilian life is way understimulating. Let me punch a droid."

I think a few of the clones do 'scouting' where they voluntarily help a Jedi in the field to gather information on their validity as Friends. Cody keeps a number of spreadsheets that are just Various Jedi Encounters.

Rex does a scouting mission with Kenobi&Skywalker and just goes to Cody like "Listen. I know he's insane. But. I want that one."

Rex just "I call dibs" "Cody. Cody did you hear me. Dibs, I call dibs."

@catboydogma: stats for pong krell are all zeroes

Absolute shit tier Jedi They play rock paper scissors to decide who has to deal with him

A solid half of the clones don't get recruited because the lack of advanced aging (past a certain point) means they're physically still minors and My Dad (Alphas and CCs) Said No. They stay behind on their various planets to look after The Real Babies.

"Let me ask my dad" "Wait--" "He said no."

Just want these boys to have Civilian Lives they can return to or at least experience before war gets them all fucked up.

I think some of them try to Make Connections with influential people (whether politicians or like... Space Influencers) so they have people vouching for them once the war kicks off. And there can be at least some public pushback on functionally enslaving them.

"I can't believe you manipulated people into liking you! That's so mean!" "Well you see. I wanted to survive past the age of eleven. So."

It was a ship wide rule to never interrupt human’s movie night. It was a quiet and safe group activity to strengthen their pack bond, and it was normally a movie that other species couldn’t understand. I knew this rule, but curiosity got the better of me.

After watching the entire movie with the humans, I went to the ship’s biologist. He allowed me inside.

“What troubles you Cannan?” Ghro asked.

“I joined the humans’ movie night. I had always heard their movies were more, fantastical. The feats were certainly impossible, but there appeared to be no discernible story. The humans seemed very intense while watching, so I know I must be missing context.”

Ghro nodded. “Many human movies require specific context to understand. Tell me, what is the name of the movie and I will research it for you.”

“They called it Olympic.”

Ghro paused. “Cannan, this is very important, did they call it only by Olympic or was there something else?”

“The Olympic maybe. Does that matter?” I asked.

Ghro nodded, and pressed a button to page a medic.

“You’re scaring me,” I said, glancing instinctively towards an exit.

“What you saw was not a fictional movie. You were watching The Olympics, a quadrennial competition of human athletes all attempting to best previous human limits.”

I laughed. “No, of course not. One human ran 100 minsecs in 8.97 seconds. You can’t possibly expect me to be so foolish as to believe you.”

Ghro said nothing. I frowned.

“This isn’t funny Ghro.”

“I’m not joking.”

I stood up, aggravated. “I know humans are absurd but they aren’t super beings. They have limits. Humans are meant for land and climbing, so the female who swam faster than a frullo is not real.”

Ghro said nothing again. I shook my head.

“Take it back! It’s not real! Humans cannot lift as much as a Helvsparr! Four arms are stronger than two!”

Ghro glanced at the page indicator. He wouldn’t tell me the truth. I felt anxiety rise. I grabbed my arms.

“Humans aren’t capable of that. They just aren’t. Their bodies can’t handle it.” I insisted.

“Those humans in the Olympics train their entire lives to reach these limits and push past them. You are not the first to fail to understand how their body allows this. Many scientists have been retired because their minds could not grasp the lunacy of human biostats.”

I had to know. I had to know. I turned and ran.

-

I knew Cannan was not prepared for the truth. Unfortunately his species, Faetatia, can identify lies with frightening accuracy. I had no choice but to give him the truth.

He could not handle the truth, and so his instinct to run kicked in. I got up and followed him, keeping a safe distance. I also alerted the medics to find us in the halls.

I found Cannan gripping a human, Mario, and screeching for the truth. Mario looked concerned and unsure.

Medics came and used a gas to render Cannan unconscious and carted him away. He would undergo testing to be sure his mental functions were still well and then reassigned to a ship without humans.

“Ghro, what happened?” Mario asked.

“Cannan watched the Olympics and could not believe that humans are capable of such things.”

“Oh. You told him those were extreme cases right? Not every human is like that?” Mario asked.

“I could not, because every human has the potential. That thought frightens many, too many.”

“I guess the Olympics are gonna be banned on ship wide movie nights then, huh?” Mario asked.

“I’m not sure. They do just as good a job of pacifying humans as they do frightening other species, so it is the Captains call.”

🔴Please stop،،‼️

This is how our lives have become, from safe homes to displacement from one place to another.

The tents are not safe.

My child lives in these tents in an unhealthy and unsafe life.

Please help، $10 will help save my family and my child.

https://gofund.me/fd991767