Bruises

Night surprise

Our three eldest cats have a simple routine: play, eat, sleep. For whatever reason, the youngest cat is the opposite: sleep, eat, play.

She is also very smart. She loves the laser pointer, and knows that it lives next to our bedside table; and will sit on the aforesaid table and sing to us when she wants to play.

This is all very cute except at nighttime, as we would like to sleep and she would like to play. This was the case last night, and unfortunately the cat would not listen to our polite requests to desist and so she was shut out of the room.

What then followed was a twenty-minute admixture of singing from the hallway and banging on the door. Eventually she grew bored, and decided to revisit another of her favorite pastimes (trying to pry the under-sink closet in the bathroom open; a process that involves more loud banging).

In the middle of the night, I visit the bathroom and as I’m sitting there in the dark, doing my thing, the youngest cat just casually strolls out of the closet like Samara crawling out of the television!

Compliments

I’ve noticed an uptick in compliments from strangers on my appearance recently, so when I went out on Saturday I decided to keep count. The final tally was six.

Now, to be fair, I recently colored my hair and it’s something of an attention-grabber.

Even before that however, I would receive random compliments from other women over the course of the week: “I love your outfit”! “I love your nails”! And so on.

It’s interesting to me because the grand total number of compliments I would receive from strangers in any given year prior to transitioning was exactly zero.

Maybe it’s society’s purview that men do not deserve compliments. Perhaps it’s a misunderstanding on my part, and the compliments are symbolic showing of gender solidarity.

I don’t know.

I enjoy that people seem to approve of how I look now; I just wish that this had always been the case.

More good things

Last night, for the fourth time in as many weeks, I was able to provide a compassionate ear for someone that desperately needed to be heard.

Now more than ever, the world needs kindness; and I’m so glad that I was able to make my own small contribution in this regard.

Identity crisis

I came across an interesting article recently, of the “Ten signs your self-esteem is in the gutter” variety. My self-esteem has indeed been in the gutter these past few days, so it was certainly a topical read.

A major reoccurring theme was: “Self-esteem should be a function of how you see yourself; not how others see you”.

This makes a lot of sense: self-esteem is, by definition, the measure of the value we place on ourselves. However, only we can truly know what is in our hearts, our minds; each and every facet of our person; who we truly are.

This unfortunately poses a challenge for me; as I do not, in fact, know who I am.

A person in my orbit once told me that he felt as if he had a mask for every occasion; a performative persona that he would adopt depending on the audience. However, he could not discern the person behind the mask; and this troubled him greatly.

It’s a sentiment I can sympathize with. I feel as if my personal identity is not a unified whole, woven from many individual threads; but rather, a fractured collection of parts that do not interrelate.

Matters have of course further been complicated by my gender upheaval; because one of the foundations of my character was that of a man, a husband, a father. I am none of these things now; and while I have technically replaced these epithets with woman, wife, mother; I don’t feel as if I actually have the requisite underpinning of experience to claim them.

As my friend Abigail wryly noted: we are women, born yesterday.

For now, I default to a measure of self-worth familiar to many raised male: that of one’s utility. As I am stretched rather thin at present, this does not seem to be working well; and alas, brings us full circle: it is a function of how others see me; and not how I see myself.

The second song is now up for preview from my friend’s new album, Sleepyhead. It is by turns pretty, and pretty raw; go listen now!

“The Importance Of Having Focus”

A Familiar Comedy for Inattentive People.

Act I.

LAUREN.

[Stiffly.] Good heavens, my back! This suffering is most insufferable; one would pen a remonstrative missive to the Times, were such an endeavor permissible in the purview of one’s own pernicious musculature!

LAUREN.

[Crossing room.] Oh, ibuprofen; faithful, dependable ibuprofen! Come to me now; I require release from the animosities of this fractious anatomy. [Opens bottle and swallows pill.]

Act II.

LAUREN.

Wait.

LAUREN.

…That was the cat’s thyroid medication.

LAUREN.

[Exclaimingly.] Fuck.

Third generation Daemonettes! Juan Diaz really captured their unearthly grace in a way unseen before or since; and the sculpts are highly sought after (as evidenced by their 2016 rerelease via the Made-To-Order program).

Diaz also produced a set of Seekers; with the riders sculpted in a similar style (and one, memorably, perched as if preparing to launch herself at an enemy, daggers first)!

I have a set of my own that I desperately need to paint up (if and when I can actually decide on an appropriate color scheme)…

My FLGS had gotten a troupe of some oldhammer daemonettes, and I just couldn't resist that temptation.

Holy crap these models look good for being made in 2001.

Double oh-no

I swear, self-administering an intramuscular injection is like flying a space shuttle. It seems so simple - all you are trying to do is move an object in space from Point A to Point B - and yet there are so many little variables you have to keep track of; any which of one could result in a catastrophic failure if not accounted for.

Tonight I did my Estradiol shot; and I swear in short order I:

Couldn't relax my thigh muscle (despite my best efforts);

Inserted the needle at an angle;

Hit a vein on the way in (unavoidable, but annoying).

I'm not sure what the problem was with (1) - maybe the way I was sitting? I suspect (2) is because you are supposed to make the skin taut, and I've been doing that by pulling it in a single direction... Maybe I need to stretch it taut instead?

The things I put myself through for the sake of aligning my mind and body...

Ramen

During the initial months of quarantine, the tent pole of my day was making ramen for lunch. I make no claim that the end product was particularly authentic; but it was a nice way of breaking up the monotony of working from home.

(I will however give a big shout-out to my friend J for teaching me how to make immaculately soft-boiled eggs.)

At this time, my go-to addition was thick-sliced ham - it's a relatively inexpensive and plentiful protein. This also pleased our two youngest cats, who adore ham and would converge on the kitchen on an intercept course for the purpose of acquiring their own cured pork off-cuts.

In due course, I moved on to making other things for lunch and the older of the two - Gracie - took this change in stride and left me to my own cooking devices.

Not Karkat though! She is definition of "High intelligence, low wisdom" - no matter what I am doing in the kitchen, she has determined that it could be at least slightly ham-related.

This is both cute... and rather inconvenient, as her chosen method of communicating her desire for ham is to circle my legs and rub up on them while meowing loudly (which is all good and well until I'm carrying a hot and / or heavy pan).

So... this is my life now. All cooking will, on a go-forward basis, involve delicately stepping around an insane kitten - like some kind of cuisine-themed, cat-based version of a sword dance!

I grew up in the UK. As a teenager, I inadvertently lacerated my index finger; an injury that necessitated emergency medical intervention, followed by surgery to repair the two tendons I had severed.

The total cost to myself and my family: £0.

A few years later, I was employed; and I am lead to understand that around 11 - 12% of my income was taxed in the form of National Insurance (which pays for the NHS; plus a number of other significant social services).

...

I then moved to the US; where I contracted a series of common respiratory infections that, unfortunately, would routinely lead to such complications as bronchitis, pneumonia, and (on one memorable occasion), pleurisy.

My first major introduction to the exorbitant cost of American-style, privately-funded healthcare came when, during one of these instances, I needed a chest x-ray; for which I paid $400 out of my own pocket (equivalent, at the time, to a month's rent).

There was a later instance in which a family member was experiencing breathing difficulties, and was directed to the ER. The medical professionals involved ordered virtually every test in their arsenal (as they were not privy to, nor concerned, with the costs involved). Our private health insurer refused to pay for these, citing the need to investigate a possible preexisting condition.

That one event cost us $15,000.

...

At my company, a mid-level employee is paid a salary of $60,000. They then have the option to purchase a mid-range private health insurance plan with coverage of all family members. This costs $600 a month; 12% of their income.

So far, there is relative parity with the NHS.

However: the plan also includes a $3,750 deductible; and a $7,500 out-of-pocket maximum. That is to say: until you reach the first threshold, the insurer pays little to nothing; and it is only when you reach the second threshold that they will pay for the entirety of your care.

(And this does not account for out-of-network care; i.e. conducted by medical providers that do not have a contract with the health insurer specifying payment rates. The out-of-network thresholds are tracked separately; and both are on the order of tens of thousands of dollars.)

So really, in the event that you actually need to exercise your health insurance, you are potentially paying up to 24.5% of your income on healthcare.

But wait, there's more!

The aforementioned $600 per month isn't the full insurance premium; merely the part the employee pays. The employer also pays a portion - another $1,600 per month.

(This is, of course, part of the employee's overall compensation package; but most Americans don't think of it as such, as the expense circumvents their paycheck. Just one of the many ways by which the true cost of private health insurance is kept opaque.)

So really, our hypothetical mid-level employee receives $79,200 per year in compensation; of which a minimum of 33% goes to healthcare (and as much as 42% if you actually need to exercise said healthcare).

(Now to be fair: a family health plan would cover our employee's partner; so their contribution of income would be 0%. Assuming that they earn a similar salary however, you are still looking at an average cost of between 16.5% and 21% for each partner.)

...

The American healthcare system is a travesty; one where health insurers and (other various middlemen) demand an enormous portion of American income, while interfering with (and frequently preventing) access to care.

The simple reality is that private industry will, in any given context, prioritize profit; and that in certain sectors of service, this will place the needs of industry in direct conflict with those in need of said service.

Put another way: to make a dollar of profit in the healthcare industry, you must take it from someone that has paid for and needs healthcare; and then you must choose to deny said healthcare, and keep it for yourself. It is the vampiric exploitation of a group of people particularly unequipped to fight back.

The people of the UK should seek to defend, tooth and nail, any and every attempt to not only privatize the NHS in general, but especially at the hands of the same US health insurers that have so successfully raised costs and lowered health outcomes.

The NHS will last as long as there are folk left to fight for it” – Aneurin Bevan

I’m no fan of Keir Starmer or Rishi Sunak. Sunak is completely out of touch with ordinary people and Starmer will promise just about anything to get himself into power and then break those promise when it suits him.  However when it comes to the future of the NHS I feel it will be safer under a Labour government than one run by free market, neo-liberal Tories.

From a purely selfish perspective  - something the Conservative Party excels at - the NHS saves all of us a small fortune. When your child needs medical care it is free at the point of use; when your parents need medical care it is free at the point of use; and when YOU need medical care it is free at the point of use.

Of course we pay for this through taxes and national insurance contributions but the clue is in the phrase “national insurance”. Medical treatment in Britain, is, at the moment, paid for through collective funding. It is a system based on community, social responsibility, and the old fashioned concept of caring for your neighbour. . Aneurin  Bevan, the "Father of the NHS” said:

“No society can legitimately call itself civilized if a sick person is denied medical aid because of lack of means."

It is a sad fact that Conservative Party members, many of them rich individuals who can afford private medical treatment, have been undermining the NHS because of their unwavering adherence to the ideological belief that all things run by private enterprise are good while all public sector institutions are bad. . The Tory’s will, of course deny this, claiming the NHS is save in their hands and that they have no plans to privatise it.

 Lets look at the facts.

Despite Prime Minister David Cameron promising there would be no cuts to the NHS this was the headline in the Daily Mirror when the Conservatives took over from Labour in 2012.

“David Cameron cuts NHS spending by £500million.” (06/11/12)

Two years later and we have this headline from the Guardian:

“David Cameron accused of hypocrisy over £1.4bn ‘raid’ on NHS funding." (06/07/2012)

By 2014 NHS staff were on strike because of the Tory government refused to give them a 1% pay rise. Rows over poor pay and under-funding continue to this day.

While Jeremy Hunt was Health Secretary patient experience and staff moral took a dramatic turn for the worse. Despite presenting himself as a “champion of patient safety”, targets were missed, waiting times increased, and the very fabric of some hospitals began to crumble, leading to Hunt being labelled “the man who ruined the NHS”. (Open Democracy: 08/07/22)

In 2016 The Independent ran this headline:

“Jeremy Hunt co-authored book calling for NHS to be replaced with private insurance.” (10/02/2016)

Is it any wonder the NHS has been seriously under-funded and run down when the man in charge was an advocate of private medical health insurance? Millionaires like Cameron (£40m) Hunt (£15m) and Sunak (£651m) can afford to pay for expensive medical care but the rest of us are not so fortunate.

This brings me back to the purely selfish reason we should vote for the party most likely to protect the NHS. Below are some AVERAGE costs for private medical procedures and treatments in the USA provided by Statistica 2021

Heart valve replacement…….$170,000     £133,390

Heart bypass………………….......$123,000     £96,518

Cornea (per eye) ……………......$17,000       £13,339

IVF treatments ………………......$15,400      £12,084

Hysterectomy ………………….....$5200          £4,080

In addition, Americans have to pay for their stay in hospital. This fee is on top of medical treatment costs. According to Debt.org (30/11/23) the price for the average stay in hospital of 4.6 days is $13,262. (£10,406)

Whatever your political leanings, the protection and restoration of the NHS should take precedent over all other electoral considerations because we will ALL need medical treatment at some stage in our lives be that as a child or as an adult.

We know the Tory mantra "private sector good public sector bad” just doesn’t live up to reality: we only have to look at our polluted waterways to realise this. Whether Keir Starmer would be any better at protecting the NHS from profit motivated private companies is a moot point.

With headlines like:

“Can Wes Streeting’s private sector plans save the NHS?” (Guardian: 14/04/24)

and

“Labour’s Wes Streeting just used the SUN to talk up NHS privatisation” (Canary: 08/04/24)

we cannot rely on the Labour Party leadership to protect the NHS from the profiteering private sector, not least because Wes Streeting has been paid £175,000 from donors linked to private health firms. (National: 14/04/24) There is no such thing as a free lunch so one doesn’t have to wonder to hard what these “donors” might want in return for their money!

Even so, I feel there are those within the Labour Party who would work very hard to stop the leadership of the party from running down the NHS to the point of collapse, as is the Tory plan, so with great reservation I will be voting Labour in the coming elections.

Save Our NHS