Normally I’m A Spacekaiser Shipper But I Love Your Interactions With Nigel Sm I Kinda Hope He’ll

You do not understand me. You pity me.

Please Adam no matter what, do not go to Maryland.

There’s things there that you shouldn’t have to see, people you shouldn’t encounter.

Adam you’re a good soul. I knew a man just like you and he is slowly losing himself.

I wouldn’t want that happening to you.

-🐺

I’m not sure if I know you. You seem to know me, or maybe you don’t and are just acting weirdly without being prompted. I’m willing to consider either possibility.

I actually got a great job offer in Maryland! I haven’t told Beth about it yet. I’m not sure if she’d want to move there or if she’d consider staying together if I lived further from New York.

So, I might have to decline the offer anyway…, though I’ve often thought about moving out of the city since my dad passed away.

Hello, Adam. I saw your blog through Nigels and wanted to say hi. You’re a gorgeous boy, Adam. :)

-Duncan.

Hello, Duncan.

I wasn’t expecting you to message me. Thank you.

I don’t know what to say when people call me that.

You saw my blog through Nigel’s? Are you two friends? Or are you one of his brothers, like Dr. Lecter is?.

Soooo... Are things okay with Beth? Heard something happened, and someone got really upset/sad/angry? Whatever it was, I hope both of you are doing better now ❤️

Thank you for asking. I am doing good.

Beth apologized to me yesterday. I got an offer for a job interview and she will help me with practicing for that. Beth is important to me so I try not to think about it anymore. She seemed really overwhelmed that evening, I can relate to that.

If I were to have responded any sooner, Dr. Lecter, I would have told you that I once believed I understood what romantic love was meant to be, and that the scenario I was describing was nothing of the sort.

But now, I find myself uncertain of anything.

No matter how much I try, it seems impossible to comprehend or control those around me and, lately, even myself.

..I am missing somebody I’ve never met and a feeling I’ve never felt. Is that possible, Dr. Lecter ?

I feel irrational yearning somewhere deep inside me, all the while being surrounded by everything I could possibly ask for.

I feel a hunger I can’t articulate, and I can’t pinpoint if I am simply going mad or if I am missing some sort of intangible warning.

New feelings often occur, even as we gain experience. Variations on what was once familiar. Desire that ebbs and flows with the change in our lives.

A yearning for another's presence is not uncommon. While you have all of your needs met, you may feel you are lacking a companion.

Tell me. To what other experience can you compare your newfound infatuation?

If I didn't know better, I would say it's as if you are in love.

I don’t think love should have to be a fight.

If it is, maybe it’s not love, it’s just war with different rules.

But I think some things stay even when you stop fighting. Probably not everything, but the important things. Thats how I see this. Maybe one day you feel that you won’t have to fight anymore.

Good evening Nigel,

I was at the National art gallery with Beth this afternoon. I saw Botticelli’s ‘Venus and Mars’ there, it is an absolute study in paradox!. About forces that should collide yet instead settle into something resembling harmony. It reminded me of space in that way. Mars, the god of war, lies unconscious, unarmed, seemingly at peace. Venus, the goddess of love, seems watchful but unaffected, an island of serenity beside him. She has not conquered him. She has not subdued him. And yet, in her presence, he is still.

Many people would assume that love triumphs over war, that beauty tames violence. But I think Botticelli offers something more intricate. Venus does not demand change. She does not impose softness upon Mars. She simply exists, and in doing so, creates the conditions for stillness. Mars, so accustomed to unrest, is given a rare and unfamiliar gift—the absence of conflict. And he does not resist it.

The tension here is not one of struggle, but of transformation. Venus has not altered Mars, she has only revealed what he is capable of being. I imagine this as love at its most potent—not forceful, not possessive, but a quiet invitation to become. There is no battle between them, no need for submission or control. Instead, they are two opposing forces that, for a moment, find equilibrium. Together.

This is the paradox I was speaking of : not that one must destroy the other, but that they can coexist. In Metamorphoses, Ovid describes their relationship as both passionate and volatile, yet Botticelli captures something…subtler. Venus does not try to change Mars, nor does she fear him. She understands him. And understanding, more than any weapon, has the power to disarm.

I remember Beth asking ‘Why does Venus choose Mars? Her husband Vulcan presents as a more fitting counterpart, someone more aligned with her nature’. I answered that, perhaps love is not drawn to reflections of itself, but to contrast. To the possibility of transformation. Venus does not force Mars to lay down his weapons. He does so on his own, because in her presence, he does not need them.

There is power in that, in my opinion. A kind of power that does not shout, does not demand, but simply is. Not dominance, but invitation. Not submission, but balance.

And it reminded me of you.

Well, shit… you’ve really got me here, don’t you? Never thought I’d be sitting here, having someone talk to me about love like that, beautiful. It’s funny though. Mars? Peaceful? Never thought I’d see the day.

An invitation, huh? Not a fight, not a conquest, not a struggle to win someone over. Just... being. That’s a new one for me. Love makes me do some fucking crazy things, but never like that.

If I’m being real, I don’t know if I believe in that kind of love. The kind that just fucking is. Hell, I’m not sure I’ve ever let someone just exist if I really loved them, or that I've ever felt like I can let myself relax that way, or if I even can. I’ve always thought that if you don’t fight and keep fighting to keep what you have, you end up losing everything.

Maybe you’ve got a point, Adam. No one’s ever said anything like that to me before.

I’m glad you thought of me.

One advantage of communicating online instead of in person is that if something somebody says flusters or overwhelms you, you can just choose not to respond.

You can pretend you didn’t see it at all. I think that’s handy.

Thank you for asking.

I’m not allergic to anything, but I do have some sensory preferences.

I usually avoid strong cheeses, anything with an overly soft or slippery texture like oysters or foie gras and very gamey meats. I tend to prefer simple proteins and vegetables prepared cleanly. No need to go out of your way. Just something light is fine.

Beth’s more adventurous than I am when it comes to food. She likes trying new things. I think she’d be excited about whatever you make.

I took the job offer in Baltimore.

I will be working as a guide at the Davis Planetarium. I’m very happy it worked out. The planetarium has such a rich archive and so many exhibits in rotation! I’ll have a lot to learn and organize, and even more to share. I am already experiencing a lot of excitement about that.

That means Beth and I will be moving to Maryland soon, leaving New York behind. I will miss New York. But I’m looking forward to seeing some people in Baltimore. And it’ll make getting to Dr. Lecter’s appointments easier, once he returns from his retreat.

People have said that before. I still don’t see it. Does it bother you Dr. Lecter?

It's very weird, having a patient with the same face as my Will.

I have Dr Lecter as my psychiatrist too!

Honestly I think I might ask for a referral to another psychiatrist. He speaks in prose, and I just cannot decode all his metaphors.

He's generally nice though.

I think I understand how you feel. Dr. Lecter does speak in a way that can be difficult to interpret. I ask him to clarify when I don’t understand, but he doesn’t always give a direct answer. He is very intelligent though. If the way he speaks makes things harder for you, then asking for a referral makes sense. The most important thing is having a psychiatrist who helps you the way you need.

Personally, Dr. Lecter and I understand things differently. He isn’t always direct, and I prefer clarity, but he doesn’t mind when I ask him to explain. He listens carefully and helps me notice patterns in my thoughts I hadn’t seen before. Even if I don’t always understand his metaphors, he makes me think in new ways, which is helpful.

Good luck with your therapy!