Questioning Npd Culture Is Always Blaming Mistakes You Do On Trauma Or Neurodivergencey Because It’s

I want to break down a common point of conflict when addressing NPD stigma.

A lot of hangups people have tend to be along the lines of "but I DO see a lot of people with actual NPD who are acting in toxic or abusive ways".

This will be kind of long, so bear with me.

Point #1: People are way more likely to be diagnosed if they exhibit "stereotypical" symptoms.

There's this image of NPD as a disorder that is only present in those with patterns of destructive behavior towards others. Many therapists have this conception. (Shockingly, the mental health field is not perfect & without stigma.)

Gonna copy-paste this here from my other blog (so forgive me if you've seen it before), because it's a good example.

Three people are criticized at work. Their boss yells at them for their performance in front of everyone. Person A gets mad and defensive. They yell back, using cutting remarks as a way to try and ease the distress they feel. Person B acts really mature and responsible the whole time, nodding along and agreeing and promising to do better, just desperate to maintain and improve their status. Desperate to be liked. Later they go home and handle their distress through self-destructive means, and spend the next few months overworking themself to the point of illness. Person C doesn't seem to respond much at all. They go quiet and seem distant. They don't lash out or lash in, but for the next month or so, their productivity drops. They simply aren't able to focus on work or self-care, no matter how hard they try. The stress is overwhelming. All three of these people have the same root issues, but only the first would be labeled a narcissist. Outwards behaviors and presentations don't reflect the pain, distress, and difficulties with life that are underlying them.

So, three main things happen.

There ends up being a higher rate of people with destructive behaviors who are diagnosed with NPD

The people who don't particularly exhibit behaviors and are considered ""too nice to have it"" are overlooked entirely (and never get any sort of help for their underlying issues, yayyy)

People are more likely to be more honest about "ugly" symptoms / symptoms that are frowned down upon than they are in other mental health communities.

(Also some people decide to act super edgy about it, which is annoying but here we are. Some of them are trolls.)

(And while I'm at it, some people are misdiagnosed with NPD because a psych sees someone who committed a violent crime and is like "uhh slap them with the Evil Asshole™ disorders!! no further thought given.")

Point #2: People who have messed up are not inhuman monsters who deserve no help or support

While I do think it's important for people to understand that patterns of toxic behaviors aren't the ONLY way NPD can present, I'm not going to let the conversation stop at "some of us are nice though!!"

Human beings aren't RPG characters who can be sorted into "monster" or "ally". Every single person has done something hurtful, has messed up, exhibits some sort of behavior that puts strain on their relationships sometimes.

So I'll bullet point some aspects of this that need to be talked about.

People without NPD also commonly exhibit toxic behaviors, but people ignore that nowadays. Either they armchair diagnose anyone who's slightly rude, or they only focus on it in pwNPD and ignore it in themselves or others. NTs can be jerks too, and they're probably less likely to acknowledge it than pwNPD who are constantly watching and checking themselves and analyzing their behaviors and attempting to do better.

Assuming that NPD makes someone abusive doesn't help anyone. Can it impact behaviors, and make it more difficult for people to be self-aware? Of course. But an important step in healing from any mental health condition (especially personality disorders, ime) is realizing that you're not inherently ""bad"", and that you can take responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with things in constructive ways. Just going "NPD makes people bad, full stop"- other than being a mean shitty thing to say- absolves people of guilt and asserts that there's no reason for them to try and improve.

Yes, it's okay for people to hate their abusers. Their abuser. Not an entire community of people who happen to (maybe) share a trait with them.

Building on the above point, people tend to go in defense mode when they hear things like "pwNPD who have acted in toxic ways can learn to improve their behavior", "people shouldn't be saying awful things about folks with this condition", etc. because they automatically try to apply this to their abuser. Interpersonal situations are very different from society-wide mental health access. No, don't stay with your abuser expecting them to change, and don't hold onto the hope that they will. No, don't censor yourself or your hatred or anger towards them. Just don't make blanket statements about a disorder that they may or may not have- blame their abusive actions, not their mental health.

"I hate you for your abusive actions and the harm that you caused me." =/= "I hate a group of people because of an inherent unchangeable part of them that's tied directly to severe childhood trauma they suffered. Because of it, they're evil and unlovable and are incapable of change. They're inhuman and will never experience real connection with others." ..........See the difference??

Even if there were a disorder with a 100% rate of toxic douchey behaviors, I'd want the conversation around it to be changed. I'd want different words to be used to divide up the spaces and conversations and resources, so that survivors of abusive or toxic behavior can get help, but that the disorder still has space to be treated. Otherwise, there are zero resources for healing. Nothing is being done to help these people or solve the issue. They're just told they may as well not try. They're blocked from healthcare entirely, despite how the entire point of being diagnosed with a condition is supposed to be to treat it.

There's a wide range of people who have NPD- it presents in many different ways, a person who has it may or may not exhibit harmful behaviors- but no one deserves to be denied treatment or told they're unlovable because of a condition they have that was formed from trauma.

Speak out against abusive behavior. Don't destroy healthcare for a medical condition.

You wouldn't believe how much respect Narcissists deserve.

I respect you so much! You are amazing and spectacular!

adhd + questioning npd culture is hyperfixating on npd and over analyzing your thought processes instead of taking care of basic needs and responsibilities or engaging with other people

-🍎

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ok congress let’s get this discussion started

i think i explained my point best here

a lot of narc abuse truthers use the argument that narcissism ≠ npd which

a) they don’t actually mean and that’s clear in the way that they actively attempt to tear down npd communities online and demonise npd symptoms

b) isn’t a fair justification for mislabeling abuse

nobody in the history of the universe (EVER) has tried to deny that people with npd are capable of abuse. the entire point is that people with npd are not MORE likely to be abusive than anybody else and that there is no pattern of behaviour exclusive to narcissists. every behaviour associated with narc abuse can be, and is, performed by egotypicals and otherwise mentally stable people.

it’s an inaccurate descriptor for a pattern of behaviour because it also assumes that pwnpd are a hivemind. in reality, there are hundreds of ways people could present with npd. the dsm5 criteria is far too broad to make sweeping generalisations about anybody with a diagnosis.

the word narcissist implies npd (and vice versa). that’s not going to change. the only way either party is benefited by the use of the label is that egotypicals get an entire group to hate instead of just their abuser. even if we adopt their mindset and argue that narcissists are inherently abusive (again, categorically false), the demonisation of the disorder has a massive impact on the accessibility of treatment and would, in turn, increase rates of “narcissistic abuse”.

i have a lot to say about how a lot of narc abuse truthers on this hellsite actually have a sufficient amount of npd symptoms to be diagnosed but i’m sure they’ll come at me with some shit about “reactive narcissism” and how their treatment of us is justifiable because they’re better (look in the mirror.)

Sick and tired of narcissists being talked about like mythological wild animals. I just read something that described covert narcissists as “highly defensive and extremely hostile”. I’m not a skittish dog. Why can’t you put it as “traumatised with extreme trust issues” like you would for any other less stigmatised disorder?

Sending good vibes to all my cluster B pals 💕

I just discovered a narcissistic abuse believer in my followers. So friendly reminder:

I love people with npd. People with npd deserve compassion and understanding. People with npd are not inherently abusive just because they have a disorder. No disorder is "abusive person disorder" and people with npd deserve so much better. I love narcissists and I hope they have a lovely day.

I loooove getting notes on tumblr and people spam liking/reblogging my stuff because hehehehe I'm finally getting my grubby little hands on some attention hehehehe I'm finally throwing some fuel into the endless pit that is my heart that constantly craves the validation which my caretakers never gave me!! I love the temporary sensation of internet points replacing the real interactions I should've gotten when I needed it the most hehehe keep liking my posts I feel so important

reblog if it's okay for your mutuals to message you and create an actual friendship, not just interactions