Chaos.
Tarquin took a long drink from the goblet in his hand as he leaned against the balcony railing and watched his palace erupted into bedlam.
He’d thought to have a drink after dinner, even thought to invite Lady F—
No, the Cursebreaker.
He’d even thought to invite the Cursebreaker. She looked so wound up during the day and at dinner, there was no question sleep would’ve eluded her tonight. With their impending return to the Night Court, he’d foolishly allowed himself to believe that the rumors were true. That she was stolen from Spring, that she hated Rhysand, that she dreaded having to return with him. Maybe even that she found solace here, in his court, in his palace.
In him.
Footsteps pounded down the hallway. Tarquin slowly leaned further onto and over the railing, watching the seas below. Turbulent, choppy, angry, where just a few hours before they’d been calm. He sipped from his cup, ignoring the shouts, ignoring the footsteps. And when they came to his door, he’d ignore the knocking too. He already knew what they were coming to tell him. He’d felt it as it happened, too slow and powerless against its magic to stop it.
He drained the last of his wine in a single gulp and turned to the small table on his left. Two empty bottles, and a third half-finished. The wine was disappearing at an alarming rate, but no amount of drink could cover this feeling of shame. The other High Lords looked down on him, he knew. Many in his Court did as well. Too green, they all said. Not enough experience. Too young, too naive, too trusting. A few years and he’d make a fool of himself, they said. It hadn’t even been one since Prythian was freed from Under the Mountain and he proved them all right.
And for what? Some lofty ideals? A chance to prove himself? Friends? He wanted to laugh. Laugh like Cresseida laughed when he told her his hopes and dreams. Not to be cruel, never to be cruel. Cresseida was just a realist.
Change is slow, she’d said more than once.
It doesn’t have to be that slow, he’d replied every time.
And while he still believed that, still believed the phrase was used by many to defend and justify lack of action, maybe...maybe there was a grain of truth in the thing. Maybe if he'd taken his time, gathered more intel, built a solid foundation and started slowly within his own court, he wouldn't have been humiliated tonight.
A small breeze that carried a fresh scent of the sea blew past him from his left. He reached out the hand holding the cup. Wordlessly, Varian picked up the half-empty bottle of wine and poured him a drink before taking his own straight from the bottle.
"It's gone."
His words fell from a hollow throat, needing no confirmation from his cousin. They felt heavy yet meaningless. Varian, he knew, would never throw it in his face, but maybe Tarquin would feel better if he had. If his cousin reminded him that he'd tried to tell Tarquin not to trust the Night Court or anyone that came with them, that he tried to get him to listen when Cresseida said the same, maybe he would have felt better, or at least different. Anything other than what he was feeling now.
There was a reason Rhysand had no allies. There was a reason he was welcome in no Courts. And those reasons started before Amarantha. It made him wonder what he could've done, what Tamlin could've done, to turn the Cursebreaker into another one of them. Another Night Court monster.
And how he'd hoped that wasn't the case. Felt it was his personal mission to prove that the Night Court wasn't full of monsters. Those who'd lie, steal, hurt, and betray for their own cause, for their own benefit. After Brutius, he'd hoped. He banked on that hope.
This was the price he paid for hoping.
He wouldn't make this mistake again.
Tarquin pushed off of the balcony, decades of thoughts in his head. He looked over at Varian, who was watching him silently as he drank. He must've read the question in Tarquin's eyes because he said, "No one's dead."
He scoffed. Small mercies. He could hear Rhysand now, as clearly as he heard the knocking at his door. Yes, we stole your greatest treasure, but at least we didn't kill anybody. He'd say it as if Tarquin should be grateful. Maybe he should be.
"And Cresseida?"
Varian hesitated, as if he knew his next words would only make him feel worse. "Trying to work through the magic left lingering in her mind."
Of course. The picture was getting clearer and bloodier by the second. Came into his home under the guise of peace, dangled Prythian's hero in front of his face (not unlike how he dangled her in front of those Under the Mountain), distracted and deceived him while they schemed for his treasure, destroyed his temple, harmed his people, and on top of it all, messed with his mind to ensure their success.
He wanted to laugh. He wanted to scream. He wanted to rage like the seas below him.
"I always thought tradition was for fools," Tarquin said quietly.
Varian looked to the sea. "Fools do cling to their traditions," he admitted. "Never wanting to see anything new, try anything new. That's why you want to change things, no?"
"Mm," Tarquin hummed. "Indeed. But then what? Do I want transient gratification? Do I change things only for them to change again in another few decades, and then another few decades again?"
"I would hope not, cousin," Varian said.
Of course he didn't. He wanted his change to last. A thought he'd been having since the call of his land upended his night spilled forth from his lips. "The truth is I don't hate tradition. My arrogance demanded that I create my own and discard the ones that came before me."
"A new revelation?"
"Mere minutes old." And with that, he left the balcony.
Tarquin walked into his room and past his bed to the far western wall, grabbing three bottles of wine as he passed. A hand swept over an inconspicuous stone opened the way to a secret passage, a portion of the alabaster white wall shimmering blue. He let Varian step through the wall first, then followed closely after. His cousin took two of the bottles out of his hand, freeing him to open his and take a long drink.
They made their way through the secret corridors of the palace, a place known only to Adriata's royal family and the High Lord of Summer. After Amarantha, Cresseida and Varian showed him, and he was forever amazed at the twisting, turning tunnels that wove through the palace and led to the sea. Even now, the sight filled him with awe.
They continued on their way, only stopping briefly at a certain spot for Varian to pull Cresseida through another wall before continuing on. He shoved a bottle at his sister, and together the three of them drank in silence as they neared their destination. No words had to be said. They all knew what was to come next.
When they finally stood in the middle of the treasure chamber, Tarquin almost faltered. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she'd gotten too curious of a ruin and set off the alarm by accident. Maybe she got scared, and immediately knew they'd think the worst of her because of the company she kept, and so fled.
But if that were the case, his guards wouldn't have been injured. And she'd have tried to send a note to explain, no?
Her guilty eyes haunted his mind. She'd reeked of guilt the entire trip. Now he knew why.
"Cresseida," he said.
She moved, and within a few minutes came back with a box. Inside, the three rubies she'd chosen were shining. The size of chicken's eggs, he knew they were three of the largest they owned. Fitting.
Tarquin set his bottle down on the floor and gently took the box from her. No reprimand passed her lips either, for which he figured he'd be grateful. Enough of that would come from his advisors and courtiers with the morning.
"It feels like this night has gone on forever," he said, not sure if he was speaking to himself or his cousins or no one at all. "It has been hours, and yet I've lived a lifetime in this one night."
He picked up the ruby in the middle, turning it over and over. The first time he'd heard of the blood rubies, he laughed himself hoarse. The thought of being so beside oneself with anger that you...send valuable jewels to the offending parties? For years, he thought it was a joke his cousins were playing on him. But now that he held it, he felt it. The depths of darkness and malevolence radiating from the jewel called to him, as they could only call to one whose soul mirrored their own.
Like calls to like.
"Are you sure?" Cresseida asked.
"Are you not?" he answered, still staring at the gem.
"There will be no going back," Varian said.
"That was true before I held this," he answered. He never thought he'd be here, get to a place where he'd send one of these, let alone three. A thought that could have driven him to madness. He remembered sailing summers long past, laughing to the point of tears.
"Even if I were High Lord, I'd never send one out!" He'd been ready to swear it, but Varian stopped him, warning him against making a vow he might one day have to break. It was painful to think of how he was then and where he was now.
As he looked at the gem, he thought of his predecessors. They probably all had a point in their lives where they thought the same.
"I see now," he said to the ruby, "why you lived as we now live. Why you did what we now do. I didn't before. Forgive me for my blindness." He lowered it back into its place. "Will you share in this with me, cousins? Will you take part in my revenge?"
"Your revenge is ours," said Cresseida. Varian simply nodded.
Tarquin sighed, then held up his hand. Slowly, his skin shifted from smooth to rough. Razor sharp scales formed on his skin, glowing blue as the oceans beyond them. With his other hand, he took hold of Varian and Cresseida. For a minute, the three of them stood, holding hands at the precipice of magic, just like they often did as children.
"Tonight, I've learned valuable lessons. Many traditions are adhered to for a reason. They are not things to spit on, but things to understand and respect, even should we not necessarily agree with them. And we won't always; they were established during different times than the one we live in. My predecessors were not barbarians who simply didn't know any better, they were complex beings leading complex lives. I see now how they could be pushed to drastic action."
As he spoke, the rubies began to glow.
"On this neverending night, our court has been weakened. I cannot even say that we were blindsided. We—no, I invited the blight in this time, just as my predecessor did half a century ago. Only this time, I knew what evil I was inviting in. I simply convinced myself that everyone in Prythian other than me was mistaken. My arrogance has died tonight. To tell the truth, it was killed."
The rubies pulsed, and in return he began to warm. Without having to see his cousins' faces, he knew he'd begun to glow himself. Shining with the power of Summer.
"This night may feel endless, but the sun will rise. Here in Summer, but also in Night. Our sun will rise in the Night Court. Let it blot out the stars they hold so dear."
And with one swipe, Tarquin slashed across all three hands. Deep gouges formed and blood spilled, intermingling with one another until they were one. The blood and magic fell upon the rubies, who desperately sucked it all up. This was a curse, one born from only the darkest of desires. What Cresseida and Varian desired, he couldn't know. But for him? He only wished upon them all exactly what they'd wrought on him. For them to trust someone wholeheartedly, despite every point of logic telling them not to, only to be violated in the way he had been. Not being able to trust his own mind in his own home, having things placed under his care stolen from him, using his hospitality in a time where such things were hard enough to come by, preying on his good nature and harming those he was meant to protect. He wished it all on them.
And then, once they experienced it all, he wished them dead.
Such desires were deep, and the stones drank until they had their fill. Once they shone with murderous promise, the three Summer fae unclasped their hands, now sticky and stained. Tarquin closed the box and handed it to Varian carefully. His scales were still out, and they refused to go back in for now. Being High Lord was so different than anything else he'd known. The land heard his desires and imbued him with power, but he was aware that in some ways, he was just a vessel, a conduit. They were tied inextricably, he and his Court, and what angered him enraged his Court. His beast roiled underneath his skin in response. It would be a while before he could rein it back in.
He wasn't even sure if he would want to when he could.
He hesitated handing these to Varian. The curse would take root once the recipients laid eyes on them. He thought of her, looking at the rubies. Rhysand would be there to explain what they meant. Would she feel devastated? Would she want to apologize? Would her heart sink to her feet and through the floor as his did when he heard the land scream and found her room empty? Would she shake in disbelief as he had when he found the other rooms vacant as well and realized what they'd done?
He thought of her and how easily she charmed him just to get to his Book. Is that what she did, seducing High Lords to get what she wanted? She seduced Tamlin, didn't she? He read between the lines and connected the timeline. She seduced Tamlin and her family regained their wealth. She seduced Rhysand and became feared throughout Prythian. And in this short time, she'd seduced him and made off with something that could neutralize the Cauldron. Next, he'd hear of her with Helion, leaving him with empty libraries.
The thought pissed him off. He shoved the box at Varian rougher than he meant to.
"These are in the Hewn City by morning."
person a: just because you have more testosterone than me doesn’t automatically make you better at sports than me. plus, you literally got hit in the head by an air-filled kickball that was going less than 20 mph, and cried, so yeah. you’re a fuckin weak duck. testosterone, my ass.
Unfortunately, the truth is that you’ll probably always feel less loved or seen than you actually are. There are many people out there who decide against admitting their love for you or even uttering a compliment out loud, you only know about a fraction of the adoration that exists for you: there’s what you’ve been told about and there’s what you feel. But there’s also what you don’t even notice. Try to remember that however you’re feeling (lonely or invisible or unwanted) is valid and real, but it isn’t all. The world would be incredibly tiny if what you’re feeling was truly all there was.
Mor using Cassian for her own selfish wants:
"I'd picked him not just for his kindness, but also because I wanted my first time to be with one of the legendary Illyrian warriors. I wanted to lie with the greatest of Illyrian warriors, actually."
"After I got what I wanted, after... everything, I didn't like that it caused a rift with him and Rhys, or even him and Az, so... never again."
Some sort of leftover desire for Mor on Cassian's behalf:
"He just wants what he can't have, and it's irritated him for centuries that I walked away and never looked back."
"Oh, it drives him insane," Rhys said from behind me, and I jumped.
Mor using Cassian as a buffer and him indulging her:
Found Azriel still by the window, Cassian now rubbing Mor's feet. Nesta had retired to her own room without a word—and remained there.
"Good," Cassian said, rubbing at the arch of Mor's foot.
Cassian ran a hand down the back of her hair. Azriel didn't so much as turn from his vigil at the window, though I could have sworn his wings tucked in a bit tighter.
Mor is perfectly aware of Azriel's self-deprecation but is a coward and does nothing to make him see otherwise:
"Azriel thought I deemed him unsuitable. He started to confess what he felt, and I panicked, and... and to get him to stop, to keep him from saying he loved me, I just turned and left."
"I could peel off my clothes right in front of him and he wouldn't move an inch. He'll see himself as a bastard-born nobody, and not good enough for anyone. Especially me."
Mor basically then admits that she likes using Cassian to keep Azriel, who hasn't made any moves on her ever since he tried confessing, away from her as long as she doesn't need to face the situation head on:
"I'm petrified to face him—to tell him he's spent five hundred years pining for someone and something that won't ever exist. The potential fallout... I like things the way they are."
Cassian's descriptions here just irk me:
Mor grinned, so beautiful it took his breath away.
He again let himself admire her perfect face.
But he could still admire her sheer beauty—as he’d admire any work of art. Even though he knew well that what lay inside Mor was far more lovely and perfect than her exterior.
To me, Mor is nothing but selfish. It's been said that Azriel thinks very low of himself due to the rejection and hasn't attempted anymore romantic advances yet she continues to drive the knife deeper.
She sleeps with Helion, with Azriel near, just to "make a point".
She uses Cassian, Azriel's best friend, just to "make a point." (Although Cassian's involvement in this also boils my blood and I hate his actions)
Don't even get me started on how she treats Nesta...
Personally? I just want her gone from the series🤷♀️
CAN SOMEONE HELP ME FIND THE OG ARTIST
Found this uncredited on Pinterest and I need answers!
Edit: FOUND THEM IT'S @keldabekush
One thing Feyre does a lot trough the series, after she leaves Tamlin, is that she constantly compares Tamlin to Rhysand. One of the things that made a big impression on her is how Tamlin said to her how there wasn’t a HL but then Rhysand made her one(undeserved).
But the funny thing is that in the 4-5 months she spend in the SC (after UTM) as Tamlin’s consort she was WAY more loved and respected than she is as the HL of the NC for 3 years now.
A Court of Thorns and Roses Locations
⤷ THE AUTUMN COURT
For @moononastring
im sorry im breaking my anti fast for this bc its literally the most idiotic thing i have ever seen.
"some people hate sjm for the racism in her books"
yeah NO SHIT.
that has always been the point.
thats literally the entire point of being anti sjm posts. thats literally all we talk about in the anti tags. but shortsightedness and an unhealthy relationship with these characters has always blinded y'all to that fact.
you see this is why i could not stomach conversations because you guys constantly make a mockery of the problems in sjm's work and only acknowledge the problems for a 'gotcha' moment. EVERY SINGLE TIME we have talked about how the racism in sjm's work affects the writing of her characters you guys have made it into an anti feysand problem, and by doing that you have willingly separated yourself from the problems in the story. the reality is that the racism affects the way these characters are written -- including your favs. do not dare twist the main message of antis to fit some twisted little point you want to make toward specific blogs. i have been on my last account for over two years and EVERY TIME i -- or any anti -- has talked about the way sjm's racism bleeds onto the text we have been undermine, ran off our blogs, sent hate mail. so yeah it pisses me off to no end to be sent the dumbest post in the anti tags to ever exist. yall do not care about her racism, her misogynoir. if you did, you wouldn't be calling people brain dead for daring to dislike your favorite ship for valid reason -- i.e. the racism. we talked about the complexities of how racist the portrayal of the illyrians were -- and we were dismissed as anti feysand and therefore 'braindead.' we talked about the way women of color and the allusions of FGM (female genital mutilation)-- and we were called anti feysands and then dismissed. stay out of the anti tags -- especially if you are the ones perpetuating these dynamics. i was ran off my blog for discussing these issues for two years. y'all sent hate mail, called me tamlin stan -- called others tamlin stans -- for even daring to discuss the racism in sjm works. that's not even touching the nehemia situation, or crescent city. fuck off the tags. you literally have a blog dedicated to this woman and her racist ass characters, you shoot down any criticism of them because of it, and then yall have the nerve to come into the tags for the some hehe hahah tamlin stan bs??? double fuck off. the anti sjm tag has always been a place for that criticism. always.
addition: and these problems are not just valid when discussing characters you don't like. the illyrians are written to brutes, with the bat boys operating as the 'model minority'. the story justifies the lack of infrastructure, and the misogyny (misogynoir depending on how you classify illyrian women), the lack of progress.
'its a culture problem'
'rhysand has tried, but they wont listen'
like do you know how crazy it is to write a group of people as permanently mentally stunted? to classify their women as nameless entities that our main character can shift in and out of to satisfy her supposed 'man of color' sexually? feyre cosplays as a woman of color for SEX, meanwhile in FIVE BOOKS we've met one named illyrian woman and shes described 'interesting,' but not as pretty as opposed to nesta and gwyn, mor, and feyre who are the prettiest people to walk the earth. that don't sound CRAZY to yall??? these people of color are left without leadership, without infrastructure, no access to a golden city, no access to their high lord, are forced to breed out warriors who live and die without ever getting to enjoy the city of velaris, the house of wind for survivors. all of that so that the maincharacters can live out that power fantasy. its racist. thats what it is. please think consider reading comprehension b4 yall make these gotcha posts because it really stinks of weirdness.
the illyrians are treated like rabid animals by their leaders, by everyone and then the responsibility is on them to somehow progress when everyone is unwilling to give them nothing more than scraps. like there's a real life counterpart to this, and yall arguments are very real and very damaging.
they are written by the author to be a permanent second class deserving of their position because they're minds somehow cannot comprehend any 'progression.' all of these characters including rhysand, feyre, mor, az, cassian, tamlin, nesta say racist things toward them because THE NARRATIVE thinks they're justified in saying them. like the moralizing is wild in this case bc all of them are allowed to get away with it. its not just tamlin or nesta, not just the valkyries (which is an ENTIRELY different scenario btw). like the idea that all of the bad can be ascribed to the 'bad' characters and the 'good' characters somehow don't feed into those racist tropes is WILD. rhysand literally told us -- the reader -- the in the war against slaves and their oppressors somehow it was an equal battle. like?????? somehow 'both sides were at fault' ignoring that one side WAS LITERALLY SLAVES. like can u imagine if someone looked at the Haitian revolution and was like....yeah the side of the oppressors was somehow on equal footing when the other side WAS ENSLAVED? how can u acknowledge this author is racist and then pretend that the racism only bleeds over to the characters you *shockingly* don't like?? yes -- there is a problem with feyre wearing illyrian wings BECAUSE SHES THE HIGH LADY. she made herself that title. of course that carries a different weight. the racism is ingrained in the text, not just some little trinket to flash when you want to moralize bullying a small group of people with strawman arguments.
(talking about communication between group members for a group project)
person a: but what if I get my phone taken away so I can’t text y’all?
person b: why would you get your phone taken away?
a: cuz i get grounded all the time
b: why
a: for sneaking out
person c: then don’t sneak out. it’s not that hard.
a: first of all, that’s what she said, and second of all, if I don’t sneak out, then how am I supposed to get more weed?
b: .....that makes so much sense.....
a: what?
c: you’re always high. that’s why you’re the way that you are.....
FYI everyone sometimes medication for mental illness is the only option (read my exp w meds and depression below)
Since the age of 8 I showed signs of depression. This was unfortunately ignored by family though I have family history of depression. I though my symptoms were myself just "growing up" and every day I lived in dread that the lack of happiness was how the rest of my life would be lived. During my teenage years this got significantly worse, leading to self harm and suicidal ideation among other things like recklessness/lack of care with my own life.
This illness followed me until I started therapy in my twenties. Two years of sessions on and off definitely helped. I saw three different therapists and still the sadness/numbness remained. I was diagnosed with dysthymia.
I started medication, and over the course of a year and a half, went on to two different types. I tapered off after the second med made me gain a ton of weight. I was terrified that the crushing sadness would come back, but tapered off.
I've been off meds for about a year and feel so completely normal. Change is possible, don't let anyone shame you into thinking you don't need ut when you've tried everything. One of my therapists refused to give me a referral for meds because they didn't understand dysthymia. If you think you need the help, DO IT! you know yourself and your body and mind better than anyone.
"Cassian could stick up for Nesta just once and I'd forgive him" "just waiting for the moment to forgive Cassian" "I give up I forgive him already"
couldn't be me like I genuinely don't understand this way of thinking
if it was just the fact that he didn't say I love you or doesn't stand up for her then maybe I could understand if he really redeemed himself but after everything he has done?
he has repeatedly judged, harassed, mocked, berated, insulted, and assaulted her. he punished her physically and emotionally, locked her up, took advantage of her and even more
why on earth would you want to forgive any of that? why are you waiting for a moment where you can just forget all of that happened? you can even see it with that stupid quote when they almost died people think that means it's okay that beforehand he was horrible to her and couldn't respect a woman's "no" if it kicked him in the balls (and there is actual canon evidence of that fyi)
pearletta - 19 - bd: 02/28/04 - she/her - all women are goddesses - star wars (f the sequels), percy jackson, harry potter (f jkr), the belles (underrated), marvel, twilight (only putting this here bc i LIVE for trash talking twilight), acotar (nesta motherfuckin' archeron supremecy!), the song of achilles (don't even get me started i love this book so much), and numerous other fandoms! -
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