Draco’s First Hour Watching Baking Shows: Wow, These People Are Quite Good

dragged myself kicking and screaming out of this art block with a big friendly ‘fuck you’ to canon

muggle 1: hey, do you ever hear from that kid in primary school with the weird name…hermione, that was it.

muggle 2: nah she kinda dropped off the radar a while back

muggle 2: weird thing though, her parents moved to australia for a bit and stopped talking about her

muggle 1: what?

muggle 2: yeah, like, my mum’s friends with her mum, and they just moved one day? hermione wasn’t with them, though, and they stopped mentioning her at all

muggle 1: didn’t she go to some fancy boarding school? i bet she’s, like, training to be a spy

muggle 2: dude, you’re so full of shit

Tumblr Code.

draco malfoy: i’ll take my secret love of potter to the grave

the grave: *beckons*

draco: POTTER

thank you to @dddraconis for the idea to do ‘dark twist on the little mermaid’ w/malfoy losing his gay ass voice <3

“By some magic, all the flowers in London bloomed at once on the 3rd of March that year.”

(aka ‘i love helga pataki and her heart picture from hey arnold! and i had to give draco a weird harry potter love locket’)

Whenever Hagrid finally decides to retire as Care of Magical Creatures professor you can bet your last knut that Charlie Weasley flies back to England the following week excitedly waving his resume and recommendation letters from no less than two Scamanders and the Minister of Magic, Hermione Granger.

while looking up 1950s slang, i found the phrase “come on snake, let’s rattle,” which has 2 meanings: asking someone to dance, and challenging someone to a fight

and. hhhooooooooo boy does that fact have some Potential

the ministry: *finds a solo finger on the road*

the ministry: well he must have just. exploded idk.

the ministry: *sees voldemort disappear*

the ministry: well he must be. gone for good i guess.

the ministry: *overhears lucius malfoy talking loudly about the heir of slytherin*

the ministry: SHIT MUST BE THAT GIANT FUCKER THAT WE PROSECUTED BASED ON THE WORD OF SOMEONE WE NOW KNOW IS LITERALLY THE EMBODIMENT OF EVIL! LET’S LOCK HIM UP

someone: hey so voldemort’s back, he’s literally out there killing people and putting the dark mark everywhere

the ministry: …naaaaah

I need a fic where Harry is overjoyed that his two best friends are finally together and happy, but also jealous and annoyed at suddenly being the third wheel. Like:

“Hermione, he doesn’t belong to you- No, I don’t care that he’s your boyfriend. I haven’t seen him all day and I saw him first, damnit!”

“Ron, please stop kissing her, she’s supposed to be helping me research, Are you going to write my essay for me? Didn’t think so… No, wait, Hermione, I didn’t me that you were going to write my essay for me, I just- You can’t leave me here to die!… Stop laughing, Ron.”

“Hermione, it is boys night! No girls allowed… geez, okay, stop yelling at me. You can have two minutes to say goodnight… It’s been longer than two minutes, Hermione!… Hey, leave space for Wizard Jesus! Get off him Hermione! You are corrupting my best friend!”

Basically, we need more Harry “the cockblock” Potter.