Me : *watching Something In Peace*

I know some people think they have the freedom to start discussions about anything and everything and treat matters as a fun topic to debate over and then reach a "to each their own" or "let's let it go now" point, but when you do that about matters which affect people's rights, or which personally affect people (such as queer rights/queerphobia, mental illnesses, sexism etcetc) - you have to realise that what you're utilising isn't your freedom of speech or your right to say whatever you want without giving two shits about the consequences or how it impacts the people who face it/go through it personally, what you're utilizing is your fucking audacity and tone deaf bigotry to be offensive, hurtful, ignorant and discriminatory.

And if your "debate partner" is somebody who goes through the issue personally, faces the stigma and prejudice you seem to treat as a fun argument personally, and thus can't make proper refutes or comebacks or keep calm, it's not on them, it's not fucking on them - it's on you for being a piece of shit asshole who thinks they're free to say and do whatever you want. You may have freedom of speech, but freedom of speech doesn't include hate speech, discriminatory speech or stigmatising speech. Fuck you.

The in-between part of depression is the worst. Where you can feel the anti-depressants working, you can feel yourself getting better - but then can you claim to have depression anymore? What if someone accuses you of faking it? What if someone expects too much, but you're not there yet, but they don't get it because they see you're better? What if your body want to sleep all the time but your mind is learning to wake itself up? What then?

FOR THE THOUSANDTH FUCKING TIME SAYING THAT SOMEONE IS QUEER IS NOT FUCKING IMPOSING A SEXUALITY OR GENDER OR THEM, IT'S JUST WONDERING IF THEY'RE QUEER! SAYING THAT THIS MEANS WE'RE IMPOSING A LABEL ON THEM OR ASSUMING THEIR SEXUALITY OR GENDER JUST SHOWS THE HETERONORMATIVITY AND CISSEXISM THAT IS SO DAMN FUCKING PERVASIVE IN THIS HETERONORMATIVE AND CISSEXIST WORLD FFS! THE DEFAULT IS NOT CIS FUCKING HET, THERE IS NO DEFAULT SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'LL SAY HARRY STYLES IS QUEER AS MUCH AS I WANT AND Y'ALL IGNORANT QUEERPHOBES CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR DEFENSIVE ASS

*HUFFS*

I don't feel completely fine inside but I feel fine on a surface level and I know I'm not supposed and this is just me repressing my emotions unconsciously but I don't fucking know what to dooo

It's like my body is a laptop and I have a virus which isn't outwardly harming or affecting the system, but still there's something amiss inside, I just want to find my anti-virus ffs is that too much to ask for

um, so I feel really buzz-y and blank and I genuinely cannot focus on anything, I have absolutely no motivation - it's not like I'm drained, but rather empty (if that difference makes sense). The socio thing is coming up, everyone's (Poline, Swathi and Rheena in our group) discussing about it, they even did a video call to discuss and they sent the points in the group, I said I wasn't in the mood for studying, so I didn't join the call - but everything just went over my head. I didn't read anything they sent and I'm not sure I'm going to cause my head's been feeling woozy and I don't know how I'm going to submit the damn assignment on Monday.

And I'm not stressed because I can't feel anything, I'm forcing my brain and my mind to atleast remember that there's an assignment due, but it's as if I have no object permenance - I don't even remember that there's this thing until or unless they talk about it, and when they do, I ignore it because it goes completely over my head.

I honestly don't think I'm going to be able to do anything this semester because it's been this way for months. Swathi was talking about exams prolly coming up and I was like shut the fuck up because I can't even imagine what's it going to be like ( I didn't tell her anything of course, cause it's a 'me' problem and not a 'they' problem ). I'm not scared, I'm not stressed, I don't feel anything and even as I'm sending this I don't feel any of this, I just feel empty and I know this is supposed to evoke some sort of tension, but it isn't, so I just don't know what to do.

Tw suicide

How do you tell your family that the reason you can't think from their perspective that you're hurting family or that you're wrong is because you can't balance in the middle ground between - "you're wrong you just don't understand me why can't you try and understand me" and "I'm wrong I just should kms everyone would be better off if I just kms". There is literally no middle ground, I'll either tip onto on side or the other WHY DONT YOU GET IT

you know what I realised? How conditioned we are to be mean, to be rude, to be tough. From parents being "strict" with their children, strict here translating to disrespectful, disregarding and just plain mean, to friends insulting each other and being rough with each other, scared of showing vulnerability and affection, we've become incapable of being sensitive and soft. asking someone to be nice, to be kind is mocked and unacknowledged. we've become so used to this, we consider kindness either fake - a trap, a romantic gesture or something that we refuse to accept, that we're unable to accept. why is that so? why can't we all try and unlearn this?

TW : MENTION OF SUICIDE

Do you also conjure up scenarios of you dying of suicide in multiple different ways and draw out how you're going to inform people and how they're going to react/feel and basically draw out a whole ass novel up in your head when you're feeling down and then once the story's done up in there, feel better and go live life monotonously like before the tiny breakdown or do you have good mental health?

My grandma has a friend who's in the houseboat business and my parents are planning for us to stay overnight on a house boat tommo, and my cousins are also coming along and i recently found out so is my aunt, and even before all that, i couldn't feel excited.my grandma looked so happy telling me about it but i just couldn't feel it and I don't know what's wrong with me

why am I so fucked up in the head why can't I ever appreciate things why am I such a downer