pisforpandemonium
23 \\ she/her // pan oriented aroace CONTENT WARNING FOR LIKE 89.8% OF MY POSTS
186 posts
Latest Posts by pisforpandemonium
I have achieved the trifecta of unhealthy coping mechanisms - binge drinking, binge eating and self harm đŤ
how I practice - chewing gum when I feel like binge eating; eating when I feel like drinking; drinking when i feel like self harming; self harming when I feel like dying
alternative coping mechanisms - cutting hair, reading fanfiction, masturbation, sleeping, texting friends/my therapist, waking my mom up and crying to her, and writing in my diary~
adaptive coping mechanisms - safe space imagery, icing, 4-4-4 breaths, texting my therapist/friends, diary writing, chewing gum
I don't know if this is due to conditioning but these are a few things that trigger my splits wrt to friends coming over to my house (#bpd):-
- people not being thoughtful. for example, if they come over to my house and after eating food, keep the plate on the table and walk away/use their phone thinking someone else will put it in the kitchen and clean it up. pet. peeve. of. the. highest. order. this also includes them not making the bed or even folding the sheets/righting the pillows when they're up (again expecting the host - us - to do it or not even thinking about it); sitting at the table not offering to help out while I get the stuff from the kitchen and after the meal, put it away; not making up the room they used before they leave; and so on
- constantly using their phone while they're over at my house
- not interacting with my family//+not offering to tell them goodbye when they're leaving and just walking to the front door, and me having to prompt them to do so
- when multiple friends are over and I have to do all the work while they're sitting and chilling in the bedroom without coming out to see if I need any assistance/if they can help out etc
- (I live in a joint family system) friends who're overtly annoyed with my kid cousins wanting to spend time with us and ignoring them/acting as if they're a disturbance when they're interested in hanging out with us. you treat my (cousin) sisters like they're an annoyance, I'll tell you off and if you can't accept that, you're not welcome anymore
- never offering to split the money when I'm the one spending, but when it's their money, they bring up splitting the cost
when people ask me what Iâm particularly good at, I want to tell them, âruining livesâ. it has become such a niche talent of mine that instead of overwhelming shame and disappointment in myself, I only shut down these days, because my body has now been inundated. I ruin lives like it is something I was born for â to make my father cry and my mother develop a chronic illness; for my grandparents to feel unloved and for my aunts and uncles to regret loving me; for ruining my therapistâs weekend-nights; for my friends to feel like theyâre giving too much and not getting enough; for never doing justice to my pup. I was told that since the day I was born, I never drank milk â if drinking milk is to sustenance as love is to living, I was and am and will continue to be an abject failure at both; there is something hidden in this analogy of milk: a baby is born with the natural inclination for drinking milk, as is a human being their capacity for love; it is then unfortunate that I have repeatedly disappointed my familyâs expectations of following both. I am now lactose intolerant, and it seems as if I am intolerant of love as well. Iâm not usually an essentialist, but even I can see that I lack something essential; something that should be here isnât, though there is something darker and uglier and tar-like making my chest cave in on itself like a black hole, in its place. it is hard for me to process love, it is hard for me to consume milk; when you say I donât hold space for your love, I want to ask you why you believe I can, why you believe it is a choice and not a deficit; because the only love I can accept is in the form of lactose-free milk, not milk powder, and while many have packets of the latter at home, they donât go through the trouble of buying the former: milk powder is nothing but milk in its powdered form, and while easier to take, doesnât make it much better; your love is easier to take when youâre funny and kind, but it does not make it easier for me digest. and it is so silly, but so crucial. new-born babies donât have a personality, and if they do seem to, they must be fundamentally flawed â no one ever tells you how hard it is to be a whole human being when youâve been considered a fundamentally flawed baby. nobody ever tells you how to learn to love; if love is an action, and actions speak louder than words, and it is actions which give meaning to life, is it surprising that I ruin lives through inaction? I talk about caring for people the way they want to be cared for, not the way you want them to care for you; at the same time, I do not serve milk to my guests, it doesnât even pass my mind to offer, the option just does not exist for me â which is very curious indeed.
Can someone please send me resources or links or anything at all to send it to people to prove that we should stop using "narcissistic abuse" as a term?????
Tw suicide
How do you tell your family that the reason you can't think from their perspective that you're hurting family or that you're wrong is because you can't balance in the middle ground between - "you're wrong you just don't understand me why can't you try and understand me" and "I'm wrong I just should kms everyone would be better off if I just kms". There is literally no middle ground, I'll either tip onto on side or the other WHY DONT YOU GET IT
Could you recommend kid friendly critical/independent thinking/youth liberation/etc material and so on that we can get print outs of?
"like to do whatever, reblog to explode someone bad" yes absolutely we should do that but you know what else we should do
go to this website
find one in your area or search "little library [your city]"
go to goodwill every once in a while and buy whatever you can afford worth of kids books and go stuff every single one of these things full of them.
have a printer? print out kid friendly critical thinking and environmental pamphlets and other appropriate educational materials and shove them in there. who knows what you're indirectly teaching someone that could change their life?
being a radical is doing things that challenge the norms, standards and institutions that are currently established. whatever we do on tumblr matters, it's a form of praxis, but if you wanna get real wild with it, go out into the world and start forcing it to be the way that you want to see it rather than waiting for everyone's cooperation.
would you still love and respect me if I destroy my body? would you still love and respect me if I didn't get out of bed or move? would you still love and respect me if I did not contribute to society and perform productivity? would you still love and respect me if I harmed myself through alcohol, blades, food and/or drugs? would you still love and respect me if I were unhealthy and didn't do anything about it? would you still love and respect me unconditionally if i were a broken down building on a dark, gloomy street that was once a lovely neighborhood with parks and joy? would you still visit? would you still love and respect me if i didn't take care of myself? why do you love me? would you respect me if the only thing I can do is love?
one day, my therapist asked me what 'my person' means to me. as a person with attachment and abandonment issues, it was one major issue that flagged up whenever we spoke about the people in my life. I gave it some thought, kept away my deep rooted shame and embarrassment and tried to answer honestly. what does it mean to me to have a person, a permanent person, while being aro-ace and neurodivergent+MADâ˘. this is what it means to me - i want a person to look at, to make eye-contact with when i have to do public speaking; somebody to ground my floating mind that tries to leave the physical reality of an anxiety inducing event. I want a person to save me seats when I have to attend social gatherings and I'm looking around the room in all my awkward glory to find a place where i belong. I want a person to text me in the middle of the night, telling me they need me; and whom I can text when I need them without hesitation. I want a person whom I can feel comfortable being physically affectionate with without either of us having to worry about intentions or invitations. that's what it means to me to have a person. somebody who's my comfort being, safe space (and vice versa). somebody who will look to me when there's a request to pick a person. somebody who will stick by my side in a party when I'm feeling low, and somebody who will let me be when I'm feeling jittery. somebody who trusts me to be there for them, who unloads on me, and chooses me.
i write a lot about this because I yearn a lot for this. I don't know if I'll ever stop.
how do i prevent a bpd episode that i can see coming? ive been distracting myself for days, keeping myself occupied, overreating, making an effort to keep in touch with people and reaching out to them, but i can still feel the hollow sensation, can still feel my chest caving in... i dont want to fall into an episode now of all times
you know what I've gradually come to realize? you don't have to be good at things to do them. you don't have to be good at studying to want to learn; you don't have to be good at remembering to want to read; you don't have to be good at dancing to dance (and have solo dance parties in the middle of the night); you don't have to be good at singing to sing (and serenade your best friends while drunk); you don't have to be good at following the rules of a language to write; you don't have to be good at art to create art (or paint in children's coloring books); you don't have to be good at relationships to love; you don't have to good at staying updated on the appropriate terms to use to care about humans and social justice; and you don't have to be good at being a person to live.
suicide rates are going up in educational institutions. an increasing number of kids are using drugs. and the problems seem to be "rebellious teenagers", "weak minded students", "unable to engage in healthy competition", "spoilt", "no cultural values"; when ACTUALLY these are reactions to a pervasive problem much larger than this: capitalist culture. students can't cope with competitiveness because it's no longer competitiveness - it's threat, it's fear. why can kids relatively handle losses in sports and art/writing competitions? why is the issue largely with academic competition? ever thought that it's not the kids who're problematic, but the academic system? we live in a culture which is misleadingly called "survival of the fittest". which is nonsensical because in the so-called "real world"? people do help. in workplaces, in higher education institutions. but students are isolated and made to view people as opponents instead of a support system. instead of encouraging cooperation and support in classrooms. suicide is not solely a mental health issue, it's a systemic+social issue; and making it an individual issue would mean giving institutions a free pass.
kids are turning to drugs because society is putting pressure on them, the demands and expectations made of them exceed coping capacity. because society doesn't forgive people who fail; the system works to keep people who're low down on the bottom instead of helping them get back up. in an experiment called the 'rat park', researchers found that rats who were placed in a cage all alone (no company/pleasurable activities etcetc) with two bottles - one full of water and the other heroine/cocaine, would drink from the bottle laced with the drug; but when they placed the rat in a "rat park'", with other rats whom it could play/mate/socialize with, they opted for the bottle of water.
with COVID came a variety of issues - unemployment, relationship issues (all sorts of relationships), loneliness, and so on. along with this are identity issues, academic pressure, social issues that certain kids face (poverty, casteism, misogyny, queerphobia), and lack of proper support/inclusiveness for neurodivergent kids, and also students who've undergone trauma.
we need to change the way we look at kids who use drugs. we need to stop criminalizing kids who use drugs. we need to change the way we look at suicide. we need to stop with absolute bullshit "spring fan" and removing the ceiling fan altogether alternatives, and instead acknowledge the ACTUAL PROBLEM.
what is harm reduction in simple, everyday terms? (because i like applying social justice approaches to my daily life for authenticity)
harm reduction is "here are some ways you can do *insert something with drawbacks/something that could be harmful/something that might cause health issues* safely" instead of "don't do this"; harm reduction "come to me, don't do it alone" instead of "stop doing this"; harm reduction is "you know yourself best, if you're doing something with full information, then it must mean something to you, so instead of judging you, I'll trust you and support you" instead of "if you know it's problematic/unhealthy just stop doing it"; harm reduction is "I'll meet you where you're at" instead of "you should be here instead/I'll bring you here/you should work on yourself and change where you are"; harm reduction is "you don't have to stop doing or start doing *insert above mentioned particular thing* to deserve unconditional acceptance and positive regard/help when you need it etc" instead of "you need to change *insert thing* to be worthy of aid".
this can be applicable for drug and alcohol use, sexual/reproductive health, eating disorders, self harm, and so on. harm reduction is a principle, a social justice approach, and an evidence based practice.
If you don't support me at my-
-being loudly queer
-feminist rants
-passionate lectures about my interests
-therapy talk and mental breakdowns
you don't deserve me at my-
-certificates
-positive recognition from authority figures
-published articles
-accomplishments/wins
I won't show you the good parts if you're not accepting or supportive of my "bad parts"; i don't want anyone's 'congrats' if it doesn't also come with 'i hear you'; i don't want to be seen when there's a light shining on me if you turn your cheek when there's a dark stormy cloud above my head; before asking me- 'why didn't you tell us, this is such a good thing', remember the time when you said- 'don't speak about yourself too much, it's not appropriate'; don't chastise my silence if you've ever ignored my voice. fin.
Unpopular opinion:
The whole "adults can't be friends with kids, it's just grooming liteâ˘" is a product of adult supremacy. By saying that adults can't have healthy relationships with kids unless they're family/students, and adults can only be mentors not friends insinuate that children aren't individuals who have intellect, autonomy, agency, thoughts, and feelings of their own. It insinuates that adults always have to impart something, that kids never be equal, that kids can just *be* around adults.
When I was a 12th grader, i was friends with kids from kindergarten, 3rd grade, and 7th grade. How was i friends with them? I treated them as equals. I respected their opinions and views. I didn't advice them, didn't make things about me, didn't treat them like mindless dolls. I had discussions with them about religion and feminism that they initiated. I talked about their friends and my friends and the things we like. I never spoke down to them, never demanded that they speak to me in a certain way, never felt offended when they talked to me as an equal. Told them not to refer to me using age-based terms. I asked them doubts when I didn't know the meaning of certain words they used or what they were referring to. I respect boundaries - spoken and unspoken. Never told them certain things "aren't meant for children, you wouldn't understand", instead I told them that I didn't know how to explain certain things in a particular to help them understand. I changed the onus.
The first step to dismantling adult supremacy is realising that children have things to contribute, that they have a whole ass personality of their own. It's realising that all concepts such as boundaries, consent, peer pressure and so on that apply to adults apply to kids as well.
Remember: equal doesn't mean the same. I wouldn't talk about sex in front of my friend who's uncomfortable with sex related topics. I wouldn't talk about gorey R rated films with friends who get squicked out by them. So why would it be hard to not mention such topics around children?
Unless kids have examples of healthy relationships with adults, how can they identify unhealthy relationships? If what they see and learn is that relationships with adults mean listening to advice and preaching, always being treated as unequal, then how are they supposed to be empowered? How are they to believe that they are their own person and do have a voice and a place in this world?
thoughts i had/have as a person with BPD that I need to let out or might drown me with guilt and shame:
I want to break up with my best friends because they both have romantic partners now; and they don't like my write-up posts anymore and they don't interact with my insta anymore. Because i feel like something has changed between us after the last time i broke up with them when I was drunk and having a breakdown
I want to cut out a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me in a long while, even to my happy birthday message on her birthday; but i see that she hangs out with others because a mutual friend posts pictures of them having out and clubbing together
I feel chronic loneliness and i hate everybody.
I want to die because i want to break up with everyone and that's not possible without death.
I feel lonely.
Like chasm in the chest lonely.
Do you consider yourself anti-capitalistic?
Ask yourself this- are you only *politically* anti-capitalistic, or do you practice the ideology you preach in your daily life?
If you:
â Believe that people who stay at home without working are lazy, privileged brats
â Believe that your child's "pocket money" is never actually theirs, and that they can never truly "own" something as long as they're not an earning member who contributes to society
â Believe people who are unhealthy (because of circumstances or life choices or for whatever reason) and/or disabled people are in any way at all a burden to their family (if you believe you yourself are a burden to your family because you're hurt or ill or disabled in any way and need care from another person to do basic, or even non-basic tasks then it means you have internalized that rhetoric)
â Believe people who cannot handle competition or the hardcore "hustle" lifestyle that is demanded of many: who cannot handle the "just keep pushing"/"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"/"keep climbing and never stop", and develop mental illnesses, experience burnout or emotional breakdowns, or even attempt (or die of) suicide are weak
â Believe those who quit or take breaks because of chronic mental illnesses or disorders, or even mental health issues not related to illnesses, are not cut out for the real world, are lazy or flaky...
...then please realize that no matter how leftist or liberal you consider yourself to be when it comes to political ideologies, you are not that. Maybe it's because you've internalized messages that our hustle culture is spreading, maybe you've been parented in a way that taught you all this (the above) means weakness, maybe you've overcome your trauma and obstacles by yourself and seeing other people not being able to do so triggers something in you and makes you feel indignant; but whatever the reason may be, there is still so much more for you to unlearn, so much more compassion for you to learn to truly call yourself anti-capitalistic. Many a time, political ideologies or social justice movements are more than just ideologies or movements, they're a mentality, a way of life.
little thing i trained myself to practice-
whenever i share something that puts me in a vulnerable position, or something that's special to me; or i stand up for somebody else; or if I send something eg. a message or rant expresses myself and my opinions; and i don't get the desired response; or read a book that isn't "intellectual" enough and overthink if I've wasted that time like my family always claims; or anything that might arouse feelings of regret based on external parties, i ask myself *who did I do that for*/*who am I doing this for*. because what it comes down to it is that I'm doing all that for me. I'm being vulnerable with another person because I feel connected to them and i want to share this part with them; i stand up for people because that's my principle, one of my core values, and I'm being true to myself. I tell my loved what my boundaries are because it's my responsibility to set them for myself. It always comes down to me. And that gives me a sense of power, of autonomy, of self-respect. And my self-destructive, regretful thoughts don't send me down into a spiral and i can manage my bpd symptoms better.
me, thinking: *don't say it, don't say it, istg if you say it-*
my family: "it's for your own good, we're only thinking about what's best for you"
me: *control, deep breaths, control, deep breaths, control, deep brea-*
family: "if we didn't care about you, we wouldn't say all this to you"
me: *BOOM* *EXPLOSION*
PLEASE STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ME IF THAT'S THE REASON FOR Y'ALL TO SAY INSENSITIVE, CONTROLLING BULLSHIT
My grandma has a friend who's in the houseboat business and my parents are planning for us to stay overnight on a house boat tommo, and my cousins are also coming along and i recently found out so is my aunt, and even before all that, i couldn't feel excited.my grandma looked so happy telling me about it but i just couldn't feel it and I don't know what's wrong with me
why am I so fucked up in the head why can't I ever appreciate things why am I such a downer
I'm going over to my best friend's house for a sleepover tommo and i am filled with so much anxiety because I won't be at home. And i want to stay at home and i feel like a baby who has attachment issues but i am panicking so frigging much and i feel like drinking and binge eating and fuck-
im consuming book after book so that this chasm inside my chest doesn't drown me. i feel like there's this emptiness inside that pulling me inside, forcing me to cave in, and it hurts so much
usually for the most part, if someone doesn't reply to me or sends short replies, i can try and rationalize - takes a lot of effort, but I can do it. But lately, many people have been doing it and my brain is deducting that as a pattern and my bpd is acting up and i feel upset and betrayed and abandoned and hurt and rageeee and this pressure in my head to start fights which is so fucking difficult to manage/control, and i just want to scream at everyone and punch myself
my grandma thinks i shouldn't over-share with my friends matters related to the family (w/ good intentions). but my whole entire life my friends have been my only confidantes and now all of the sudden, my family is learning to be supportive and understanding, and i have to not-do what I've already done? Even now, my first instinct is to reach out to a friend when I'm emotionally bleh , even when huge ass fights happen at home. I just can't not do that
I've been going to the same therapist for over two years and i mentioned that I wanted to be an in patient because I'm a danger to myself and my therapist said she trusts my process. When I told my mom this, she asked me to try EFT - something different - first before becoming an in patient. This was also the time when my therapist moved houses to another state. And it was after my therapist increased the fee. But yeah, anyway, while booking a session with her , my therapist told my mom that she thinks it'd be better to not have two therapists at the same time (which she'd already told me but i took in the sense that we'd ease into it and take a break and then continue because I didn't want a new therapist tbh) but my mom got upset.
And then I did have a session with her and we discovered transference was happening from both sides so we decided to do once a month sessions. And this was also when my therapist's relative died and so many things happening differently. Today while my mom was trying to book a session my therapist asked her if she'd paid already and there was a lil confusion and my mom got pissed and she ranted to me and i HATED hearing it
Not only did I hate that she was thinking negatively of my therapist but my mom also said "she's saying stuff like this only after you started the EFT sessions with another therapist" and i had already been overthinking that my therapist wouldn't want me anymore that she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me finally that now she's not interested and that she's upset because y'know bpd fucking sucks. And my mom saying this felt like further proof and I wanted to cry and scream and throw a tantrum and tell her to shut up and not talk about her like that AND I also wanted to ask my therapist for reassurance but I didn't because what if she was going through something and that's why .
My house is under renovation and i have to write an entrance exam soon for pg i opened up to my family about my mental health issues - so many new things and i cannot and i can't be fully free with the EFT therapist because there's a mental block there I'm holding back things because I don't want her to make me totally okay because if that happens then I won't be able to talk to my therapist because there won't be big proper reasons and i can't do that and what the EFT therapist does make me feel better but i don't want her to because it feels like a betrayal
And now I feel like I'm floating and I feel like everything's changed and imagining not having her fills me with panic and anxiety and I feel like I fucked everything up and i don't know I'm distancing myself from her or trying to hold on too much and i just want to give up and die and i don't want therapy at all anymore i want nothing i want to be nothing
I feel like I've fucked up a good thing and i don't even know if EFT is working and i HATE everything and myself and the world and i literally cannot think badly of my therapist, my brain doesn't go there and i feel like if it did I would break I'm just blaming myself and hatung myself for everything and why am I like this
I'm on the arospec and yesterday I had dream about my best friend and I being in a relationship and it brought me pure joy and delight in the dream so much so that I felt it after I woke up and i have never before thought of us that way and now I'm ajsjsjsk- so confused