One Day, My Therapist Asked Me What 'my Person' Means To Me. As A Person With Attachment And Abandonment

SOML :-

get drunk to feel stuff ➡ feel understimulayed when no company ➡ experience a low ➡ breakdown

Scenario 2

get drunk to feel stuff ➡ company equals happy happy kiddo ➡ company goes away, chronic boredom ➡ impulsive stuff is done ➡ feel nothing the next day cuz no emotions

im consuming book after book so that this chasm inside my chest doesn't drown me. i feel like there's this emptiness inside that pulling me inside, forcing me to cave in, and it hurts so much

I feel so fucking lonely

a nightly routine? oh, wait! I have one those! It's called, 'having a mental breakdown until I finally pass out'.

I feel so lonely :)

the fact that nobody has yet written a fanfic of Elodie, Tabitha and Moe being in a polyamorous queerplatonic relationship is a goddamn crime-

8 t hink I need helpProfessional jelp

And not just my this therapist vaala help

Because sometimes I scare myself a

Nd I know I tell you still

Stuff

But trust me

What's going in my brain is so much worse than the stuff I tell you

The reason why I tell you so much in the first place is cause there so much more and if I didn't tell you the bare minimum I'd go out of my mind

And I need hekp

Please

In case someone is reading this, just a trigger warning for death and stuff okay

yo, since I was a small kid whenever people were angry at me, they'd say that I was a burden and that they'd never met a child like me and they they wish they were gone/dead instead of having to deal with me and whenever I did or took something (like food for example) when it wasn't eating time without asking they'd ask me why I was eating during such a time and if I finished the last piece of something they'd be like oh you didn't ask anybody else if they want it, you're so selfish and y'know stuff lkek that, they'd never let me have complete freedom y'know, and now whenever I ask if I can eat something or like finish something or like ask permission or when I can't make decisions on my own properly or when I don't do something, like take a class or whatever because I feel like I'd be wasting their money or do tiny tiny stuff so that I'd seem invisible or not want them to do some things for me, they'd be like why aren't you doing that - like why are you asking permission for such tiny things, you should know to make your own decisions and like not to worry about other stuff and do the things you're interested but now, at present, at this age, I literally cannot, and they just don't get it that the things they've told me when I was a kid have been conditioned and engraved into my brain and it's difficult to heal from that.

mesh

I want the kind of love shared by Christina Yang and Meredith Grey; the kind of love shared by friends who’re soulmates; the kind of love where I will never feel like an outsider in my own relationship, no matter what kind it may be; the kind of love where no matter what stupid shit I spout, I will be met with fond exasperation and never scorn or judgement; I want the kind of love where anything problematic I say or do will be received with grace, a space for remorse, and reparation; the kind of love where my quiet, empty days will be accepted, and my boisterous ones appreciated; the kind of love with whom I can get drunk as fuck with without hesitation; the kind of love I feel safe sleeping on their shoulder with; the kind of love for whom I wouldn’t regret giving my all and more to; the kind of love who understands which love language I need to be communicated with on what day; the kind of love where there are no blips in communication; the kind of love where there is no fear of being too much or not enough; the kind of love where I feel I am the exact right amount of me; the kind of love who won’t attach sexual overtones to physical intimacy; the kind of love where my mind immediately hollers their name when I muse about whom to share my writings with because it knows they’d want to read it; the kind of love where we both feel safe and secure showing our most rotten parts to; the kind of love where we both feel safe and secure showing our best parts to; the kind of love that is not romantic and not platonic and not sexual; the kind of love where I can regress when I feel soft; the kind of love where I can rage when I feel small; the kind of love where you choose each other, where you stay decisively, love purposefully; the kind of love you are at home in.

 [p.s- wanting ≠ lacking]

 -kpm ©

Reasons why Grey's Anatomy is the best f*cking show ever:

(I've only reached S13, so no spoilers plis.but spoiler alert for those who haven't reached there - no major ones, but still)

1. The people. What is amatonormativity . It does not exist. All the relationships portrayed in the show - be it professional, familial, platonic, romantic; every single connection is meaningful and wholesome. MEREDITH AND CHRISTINA's relationship is what I yearn for, it is EVERYTHING. Alex and Meredith has my heart. Izzie and George (before the drama). George and Meredith. Derek and Christina's. Derek and Mark's - Mark saying he came back for Derek. Jackson and Mark's relationship. Teddy and Christina's. Mark, Arizona and Callie's relationship. Arizona and Alex's relationship. Addison and Alex's. Webber and Bailey's relationship. And these are only a select few I'm naming off the top of my head. There is genuine remorse when a friend hurts a friend, romantic partners aren't placed on a pedestal. Meredith does not kick her friends out of the house even after she gets married. Her found family doesn't disappear/isn't suddenly unimportant just because she's found romantic love.

And even the romantic relationships are so organic, so realistic. Even if there's drama, it's not toxic drama. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE how much importance is given to building relationships, to putting in effort.

And the stories of certain patients - the two women who decide to have and raise babies together. The two best friends, "cradle to the grave". The old couple, where the husband is helping the ill wife find a girlfriend for her new boyfriend. Another pair of best friends, making a deal to have a child together if they're single at 40.

Most connections exist for a reason. No one is disposable. Even the ones who leave are remembered, they don't disappear from the minds of their loved ones, unlike in most books/media. People actually value those they connect with. Even break-ups, deaths, endings, are all portrayed with the gravity they deserve.

I could go on and on about this, but I'll stop myself here. Also I might've accidentally left out certain points because one- my memory sucks, and also because I've come this far (show-wise I mean, not in life, HAHA, jk).

2. The casual queer representation. They have done it PERFECTLY. Everything about the queer rep in the show - *chef's kiss*

The only issue I had with the show was how they dealt with sex. How the concept of not having sex, or having sex much later in life etc was treated as a joke. Also, certain things Callie said didn't sit well with me at all.

But otherwise, I loved how they showed different generations, different kinds of queer people and relationships. Trans people, intersex people. People with bodies which don't fit into the norm. Queer sexuality. Just lovely.

3. How mental health issues are treated. AND HOW DISABILITY IS PORTRAYED. Keeping aside all the "jokes" or certain terms used, when it actually came down to it? The show portrayed mental illness wonderfully. Be it depression, be it addiction, be it OCD,(though this one was pretty insensitive at times - but that's not on the show, that's on the characters), be it PTSD (superbly realistically portrayed), be it schizophrenia. The way Arizona being disabled was portrayed; the episodes with the veterans; April saying being deaf needn't be a weakness or something "to fix"; that a person doesn't need their disability to be "cured" to become whole. How different bodies are portrayed - demonization of bodies is criticized, it's never encouraged.

The way Alex treated people with mental illnesses, the way he spoke about them (looking past the crude language, looking at him as an individual), is how it should be. One of the scenes I hold close to my heart is the way he explained to Jackson why, and how it was unfair to judge the actions of a patient while healing them or speaking to their family (more on this in the next point).

While this isn't connected to mental illness, and I'm requesting y'all not to misunderstand, I'm including this under this point because it's related to mental health - I love love love how Mark and Jackson ensure that the reason why people are getting plastic surgery is for themselves, not for anybody else. I love how there's no shaming, how it isn't shown as a shallow, vain field.

4. Not a single character is solely a good person, or a bad person. Everyone is multidimensional. Everyone has a story. Everyone is - pun intended - grey. They've all said or done something problematic, questionable or just wrong; but these same people show growth, they evolve. They also do things which show loyalty, compassion, and strength. There is nobody I actually, deeply dislike because they are an amalgamation of shades, I cannot fully dislike or put on a pedestal anyone in the show because they're written as complex, multifaceted beings. They're written as human. Which not many writers can do, it's an incredibly difficult, and at the same time, a beautiful thing to achieve.

Even people who did commit actual crimes weren't portrayed as evil criminals. They were shown to be as human as anyone. Their actions weren't excused, they weren't given a free pass, but they were still portrayed as people, instead of irredeemable monsters.

5. Feminismmmmmmm. Just scattered throughout the show like yummy sprinkles. I loved how characters actually speak about race, and racism. Very socially aware.

Mistreatment and dismissive treatment by professionals is a relevant issue that is portrayed throughout the show. The way consent was handled - so important!

Okay ,my brain feels wrung-out, so I'll stop here. I might edit this to add more points or write a pt. 2. The reasons why I love this show is inexhaustible, endless. And I'm sure I'll find more to love as I keep watching.