I Feel So Fucking Lonely

I don't feel completely fine inside but I feel fine on a surface level and I know I'm not supposed and this is just me repressing my emotions unconsciously but I don't fucking know what to dooo

It's like my body is a laptop and I have a virus which isn't outwardly harming or affecting the system, but still there's something amiss inside, I just want to find my anti-virus ffs is that too much to ask for

I was fourteen when I first read 50 Shades of Grey, or as Catherine Scott puts it — that book. What I appreciate most about it is not the spank-bank material it gave me, but the world it introduced me to; the hole that took me to my own wonderland. As my kink journey - in theory, mind you - progressed, I discovered aspects of myself I don’t think even therapy would’ve helped me access; the way I needed to be loved, the way I needed to be taken care of, the way I needed to feel small to grow, the way I needed to give myself over to reclaim autonomy.

Kink took me to regression, regression to self-awareness, and self-awareness to a yearning I sometimes cannot contain inside my body because of how large and all-consuming it is, how much space it occupies, and how it swallows me whole, especially on my worse days.

The question “how could non-sexual kink possibly be therapeutic?” has many, many answers; it is the hope I get when I imagine how I would no longer have to be responsible for myself; the relief I feel, knowing that someone wants the best for me, and letting them take over my entire being would help keep me alive; the knowledge that even though I am capable of taking care of myself, it is too much of a burden, too much of a leach sucking my battery, and so I choose to give it away, pass it over.

Someone who would squeeze my thigh, and tap it twice to indicate I need to lower my voice in public spaces, instead of an explicit “reduce your volume”, inadvertently triggering my rejection sensitivity dysphoria; someone who would wrap me up in a blanket and make me tea, cuddling me, crushing my body, until I come back from an episode; someone to make sure I can do the things I want to do, that inhibition due to my executive dysfunction wouldn’t make me a completely useless person; someone whose idea of what is best for me is my idea of what’s best for me; someone who would take care of me, when it hurts too much to take care of myself; someone I trust enough to kneel in front of because I feel shame choking me when I imagine myself submitting to anyone else; someone who chooses to stay; someone I can be a child with without fear of annoyance or judgement; someone I can be awkward with, weird with, loud with; someone whose rationality never hinders or limits their emotionality; someone to give me a healthy alternative to the unsafe pain my coping mechanism provides; someone to provide the sensation of hurt without causing me harm; someone whom I feel safe with even while constrained, blindfolded, all senses switched off; someone to gently squeeze my neck when my thoughts are too loud; someone to take over conversations when I face a sudden bout of energy loss; someone whose energy is dominating, all-encompassing; someone who would be my advocate, my shield, and sword; someone gentle, someone soft, someone who would never let me give up on myself.

Regression ≠ kink, for myself.

-kpm ©

White Man's Burden

Ethnocentrism :

The poem rests on the themes of ethnocentrism and racism. The very reason white people find it okay or even acceptable to conquer and change other cultures is because they believe theirs is the superior culture-- they are the better, more progressive, educated, civilised nation. This cultural superiority complex comes from the unnecessary comparison of the latter to the former on the basis on Eurocentric standards of comparison.

Coloniasm, Imperialism and White Saviour Complex :

Kipling portrays the white man as a philanthropic, selfless rescuer whose duty is to educate and civilise non-white people in order to make their lives better, make them more progressive and save them from their primitive lifestyle. It seems as if white men have internalised the facade they intended to show the world, and themselves believe to be saviors of "savages" and "uncivilized" people.

Patriarchal Masculinity :

Not once does Kipling mention women in his poem. It is considered a man's duty to conquer and save others, responsibilities boys are supposed to fulfill to "become a man" or reach manlihood. But it is important to note that his poem wouldn't automatically become more progressive or better in any way even if he did include women- the fact remains that though the poem is patriarchal, the major issue is white saviour complex and ethnocentrism.

My maternal grandma and I were talking about large age gaps in relationships and the importance of sex education, especially for women and I was ranting about all this to her.

My mom and my grandma never had proper sex education. So whatever they learned, they had to learn from their older, much more educated husbands. And no matter how much a good person your husband is, in such a situation, there will be some amount of grooming/manipulation involved - consciously or unconsciously. They'll teach their wives things they like, they'll only impart limited knowledge - they can only teach another person things they know, so if they don't know anything about women's pleasure, they won't know how to tell their wives either. And purposely or not, they might only teach their wives things they like - so a woman believes that these are things they *have* to do while having sex, things they *have* to do in a marriage to make their husbands happy and they could live their whole life not knowing what they like/want. It's so easy for husbands to take advantage of their wives. Even if it's in a tiny way, still. And they might not give them proper sex education, sex education from an "objective" perspective. Moreover, if the husband is conservative and believes in sex only for procreation, they won't even try to make their wives feel good and their wives wouldn't know any better!

But this same man may have gone through pronographic magazines or whatever when he was younger, he may already know about male pleasure. He might have already explored his likes and dislikes, but his wife never got that chance, and now she never will.

It's all so fucking messed up.

My grandma agreed with me tho, completely.

why is my feed like this 😭💀

suicide rates are going up in educational institutions. an increasing number of kids are using drugs. and the problems seem to be "rebellious teenagers", "weak minded students", "unable to engage in healthy competition", "spoilt", "no cultural values"; when ACTUALLY these are reactions to a pervasive problem much larger than this: capitalist culture. students can't cope with competitiveness because it's no longer competitiveness - it's threat, it's fear. why can kids relatively handle losses in sports and art/writing competitions? why is the issue largely with academic competition? ever thought that it's not the kids who're problematic, but the academic system? we live in a culture which is misleadingly called "survival of the fittest". which is nonsensical because in the so-called "real world"? people do help. in workplaces, in higher education institutions. but students are isolated and made to view people as opponents instead of a support system. instead of encouraging cooperation and support in classrooms. suicide is not solely a mental health issue, it's a systemic+social issue; and making it an individual issue would mean giving institutions a free pass.

kids are turning to drugs because society is putting pressure on them, the demands and expectations made of them exceed coping capacity. because society doesn't forgive people who fail; the system works to keep people who're low down on the bottom instead of helping them get back up. in an experiment called the 'rat park', researchers found that rats who were placed in a cage all alone (no company/pleasurable activities etcetc) with two bottles - one full of water and the other heroine/cocaine, would drink from the bottle laced with the drug; but when they placed the rat in a "rat park'", with other rats whom it could play/mate/socialize with, they opted for the bottle of water.

with COVID came a variety of issues - unemployment, relationship issues (all sorts of relationships), loneliness, and so on. along with this are identity issues, academic pressure, social issues that certain kids face (poverty, casteism, misogyny, queerphobia), and lack of proper support/inclusiveness for neurodivergent kids, and also students who've undergone trauma.

we need to change the way we look at kids who use drugs. we need to stop criminalizing kids who use drugs. we need to change the way we look at suicide. we need to stop with absolute bullshit "spring fan" and removing the ceiling fan altogether alternatives, and instead acknowledge the ACTUAL PROBLEM.

The first time I read Ursula Le Guin’s The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas, my chest constricted with the passionate onslaught of too many thoughts, too many emotions, too many opinions. No matter how many perspectives I could logically think from, my brain circled back to the outcry of why no one spoke up, why no one resisted, revolted. How strong could be the ones who walked away? After all, walking away is the easiest thing one could do. It didn’t take much for me to unlearn that; just Louis’ outburst of leaving being the hardest thing to do, as he says so in COAGDP, was all it took. And when I tried that angle, I understood. I understood what Le Guin was trying to convey, what she wanted to make us see. It was a statement; it was saying: “this world was built for me. This suffering is meant for my happiness. This is all I’m aware of. I choose to not be happy. I would rather leave to a place I know nothing about, a place I don’t even know exists, than be happy at the cost of a child, of someone being collateral damage, for my happiness. If this torture is for me, for my sake, I would rather live a miserable life in the unknown.” It was not just brave, it was revolutionary.

Staying there, fighting for change, would lead to: “do you want us all to suffer just because of your selfish ideology?” / “do you want our lives to collapse just to save one child?” / “does this strange child mean more to you than your loved ones’ happiness?”. The age-old argument of collective good versus the wellbeing of an individual is one with an answer that’s a double-edged sword. There is no end, no solution; strength comes in many forms, many faces, and sometimes turning your back on all you’ve known your entire life is the strongest thing one can do to make a point.  

We see this in all the people who’re the black sheep of their family; the leftist, the feminist, the divorcee, the queer one, the atheist and the agnostic, the free-thinkers, the child rebels, the child who questions; we don’t see much of them, because they’re forced to hide underneath cloaks saying something different – “anti-national”, “violator of culture, of family values”, “the reject”, “the one with conduct issues”, “the heathen”.

Walking away is many a time metaphorical, and it doesn’t always mean the same thing; but when one has lived their whole life as a frog in a well, jumping out isn’t escapism, it is resistance.

-kpm

me, thinking: *don't say it, don't say it, istg if you say it-*

my family: "it's for your own good, we're only thinking about what's best for you"

me: *control, deep breaths, control, deep breaths, control, deep brea-*

family: "if we didn't care about you, we wouldn't say all this to you"

me: *BOOM* *EXPLOSION*

PLEASE STOP GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ME IF THAT'S THE REASON FOR Y'ALL TO SAY INSENSITIVE, CONTROLLING BULLSHIT

I don't know if this is due to conditioning but these are a few things that trigger my splits wrt to friends coming over to my house (#bpd):-

- people not being thoughtful. for example, if they come over to my house and after eating food, keep the plate on the table and walk away/use their phone thinking someone else will put it in the kitchen and clean it up. pet. peeve. of. the. highest. order. this also includes them not making the bed or even folding the sheets/righting the pillows when they're up (again expecting the host - us - to do it or not even thinking about it); sitting at the table not offering to help out while I get the stuff from the kitchen and after the meal, put it away; not making up the room they used before they leave; and so on

- constantly using their phone while they're over at my house

- not interacting with my family//+not offering to tell them goodbye when they're leaving and just walking to the front door, and me having to prompt them to do so

- when multiple friends are over and I have to do all the work while they're sitting and chilling in the bedroom without coming out to see if I need any assistance/if they can help out etc

- (I live in a joint family system) friends who're overtly annoyed with my kid cousins wanting to spend time with us and ignoring them/acting as if they're a disturbance when they're interested in hanging out with us. you treat my (cousin) sisters like they're an annoyance, I'll tell you off and if you can't accept that, you're not welcome anymore

- never offering to split the money when I'm the one spending, but when it's their money, they bring up splitting the cost

I deleted my previous rant in the hope that my post would be posted since the reason they showed was I had reached my limit, but nope. hahahahaha🙂