When People Ask Me What I’m Particularly Good At, I Want To Tell Them, “ruining Lives”. It Has
when people ask me what I’m particularly good at, I want to tell them, “ruining lives”. it has become such a niche talent of mine that instead of overwhelming shame and disappointment in myself, I only shut down these days, because my body has now been inundated. I ruin lives like it is something I was born for – to make my father cry and my mother develop a chronic illness; for my grandparents to feel unloved and for my aunts and uncles to regret loving me; for ruining my therapist’s weekend-nights; for my friends to feel like they’re giving too much and not getting enough; for never doing justice to my pup. I was told that since the day I was born, I never drank milk – if drinking milk is to sustenance as love is to living, I was and am and will continue to be an abject failure at both; there is something hidden in this analogy of milk: a baby is born with the natural inclination for drinking milk, as is a human being their capacity for love; it is then unfortunate that I have repeatedly disappointed my family’s expectations of following both. I am now lactose intolerant, and it seems as if I am intolerant of love as well. I’m not usually an essentialist, but even I can see that I lack something essential; something that should be here isn’t, though there is something darker and uglier and tar-like making my chest cave in on itself like a black hole, in its place. it is hard for me to process love, it is hard for me to consume milk; when you say I don’t hold space for your love, I want to ask you why you believe I can, why you believe it is a choice and not a deficit; because the only love I can accept is in the form of lactose-free milk, not milk powder, and while many have packets of the latter at home, they don’t go through the trouble of buying the former: milk powder is nothing but milk in its powdered form, and while easier to take, doesn’t make it much better; your love is easier to take when you’re funny and kind, but it does not make it easier for me digest. and it is so silly, but so crucial. new-born babies don’t have a personality, and if they do seem to, they must be fundamentally flawed – no one ever tells you how hard it is to be a whole human being when you’ve been considered a fundamentally flawed baby. nobody ever tells you how to learn to love; if love is an action, and actions speak louder than words, and it is actions which give meaning to life, is it surprising that I ruin lives through inaction? I talk about caring for people the way they want to be cared for, not the way you want them to care for you; at the same time, I do not serve milk to my guests, it doesn’t even pass my mind to offer, the option just does not exist for me – which is very curious indeed.
More Posts from Pisforpandemonium and Others
I'm so fucking sick of adults telling me to exercise, telling me that I never move, telling me that I never listen when they tell me to exercise when I DO exercise, I'm so fucking sick of adults speaking to me as if I'm not trying hard enough when I'm doing something solely for them, because they kept telling me. What's the point of doing something they're telling you to do when they don't even acknowledge that you're doing it? I'm not gonna stop obviously, cause I promised my uncle, but I'm just sick of listening to my family scolding me for something I actually am doing right. And I'm sick of having to prove myself, so nowadays I never tell them that I am doing exercise lest they say that's not good enough or ignore it and keep scolding me, better to receive scoldings when they think I'm not doing it. And I'm so sick of feeling like I'm not wanted, that I'm just an annoyance, so much so that I don't even feel like coming to my grandparents ka house anymore, I genuinely don't. I just feel like keeping quiet and not talking to anyone because they get annoyed at me so quickly and that hurts, I'm at a point where I'm kind of even scared to talk lest I piss them off or something. I feel like I'm this annoying fly that they're trying to brush away but keep coming back. Honestly tho, that's the perfect representation of my feelings. I'm just sick and tired, y'know?
I feel like I'm wasting my life doing
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TW suicide
Um, I keep watching new shows and new books and stuff so that I could be like oh let this one be over oh let this get over so that I don't reach the peak of suicidal thought? And um I just want a new therapist and proper therapy plan so that I could get Better Or in scared that I will reach and maybe go over that peak maueb
me, going through bumble :
🎶where them girls at🎶
I feel like there's no point to anything. The only thing I do everyday, the entire day, is stay on my phone or my laptop or sleep or eat, nothing else. I feel so drained and demotivated and just so empty.
She and I : discusses what to post on activism account, decides on bpd info reel
I : work hard on it, and lists one description which goes "congratulated only with one word and no emoji?? Etcetc, time to grab the red marker" and sends it to her cause it's my first time making one and I thrive on reassurance
She : it's nice
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF READING ALL THOSE FUCKING THINGS I WROTE ABOUT BPD THEN IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO APPLY THEM YO, I LITERALLY *JUST* MENTIONED HOW ONE WORD ANSWERS LIKE THAT TRIGGER NY BPD AND SHE GIES AND DOES JUST THAT LIKE WHY
little thing i trained myself to practice-
whenever i share something that puts me in a vulnerable position, or something that's special to me; or i stand up for somebody else; or if I send something eg. a message or rant expresses myself and my opinions; and i don't get the desired response; or read a book that isn't "intellectual" enough and overthink if I've wasted that time like my family always claims; or anything that might arouse feelings of regret based on external parties, i ask myself *who did I do that for*/*who am I doing this for*. because what it comes down to it is that I'm doing all that for me. I'm being vulnerable with another person because I feel connected to them and i want to share this part with them; i stand up for people because that's my principle, one of my core values, and I'm being true to myself. I tell my loved what my boundaries are because it's my responsibility to set them for myself. It always comes down to me. And that gives me a sense of power, of autonomy, of self-respect. And my self-destructive, regretful thoughts don't send me down into a spiral and i can manage my bpd symptoms better.
zlibrary gone... FUCK TIKTOK FUCK BOOKTOK I hope that app burns in hell
I feel so much, s9 fucking much pain a n d I'm sobbing and I'n literally duckubf PRAYING TO GOD FOR THIS TO SYOP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE BPD IS THE FUCKING WORST IT'S 2 25 AM AND I'M SLEEPING BETWEEN MY MOM AND GRANDMA AND I'M PULLING MY JAIR AND THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS too MUCH I CAN'T EVEN GO AND FUCKING SRLF HARM RNNN
23 \\ she/her // pan oriented aroace CONTENT WARNING FOR LIKE 89.8% OF MY POSTS
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