For A Long Time I've Believed That If I Were To Be Pro - Sex Work/ Supportive Of Sex Workers, I Had To

In case someone is reading this, just a trigger warning for death and stuff okay

yo, since I was a small kid whenever people were angry at me, they'd say that I was a burden and that they'd never met a child like me and they they wish they were gone/dead instead of having to deal with me and whenever I did or took something (like food for example) when it wasn't eating time without asking they'd ask me why I was eating during such a time and if I finished the last piece of something they'd be like oh you didn't ask anybody else if they want it, you're so selfish and y'know stuff lkek that, they'd never let me have complete freedom y'know, and now whenever I ask if I can eat something or like finish something or like ask permission or when I can't make decisions on my own properly or when I don't do something, like take a class or whatever because I feel like I'd be wasting their money or do tiny tiny stuff so that I'd seem invisible or not want them to do some things for me, they'd be like why aren't you doing that - like why are you asking permission for such tiny things, you should know to make your own decisions and like not to worry about other stuff and do the things you're interested but now, at present, at this age, I literally cannot, and they just don't get it that the things they've told me when I was a kid have been conditioned and engraved into my brain and it's difficult to heal from that.

I genuinely feel like my family doesn't like me. I know they love me, because family and stuff, but there's a difference between liking someone and loving someone when it comes to familial relationships you know? I was having terrible, terrible, horrible, craving for death kinda cramps today and I desperately needed emotional support and I was crying and calling out to anybody, I literally yelled "somebody please" and they heard that and my grandma was coming and my uncle was like, I could hear him from the room, where are you going amma, don't go and stuff as if I was troubling her and I was an annoying baby who was crying and would stop it's crying when ignored long enough or something, but my grandma came and was like you know I have work, so I can't sit here with you, blah blah and your mom will come soon with the hot water bag, all this is happening because you never listen to us when we tell you to exercise so that your muscles will stretch, you don't even listen, now you're suffering etcetc and a lot of insensitive and cold stuff like that, not at all emotionally sensitive or comforting when I was suffering and I felt so fucking bad, so fucking heartbroken that I went silent. Then my mom came with the hot water bag and stuff and she lay with me for a while, not for me, but because she got an excuse to look at her phone and rest (she has a leg problem, so for that too) and then after a while, the water become lukewarm/cool and I told her that the hot water bag helped and if she could heat the water up and bring it and she sat up and kept looking at her phone and I waited for a while and the pain was returning so I asked her again and I was pissed that time, but I controlled it as much as I could (didn't yell like I usually did), and she was like stop getting angry and used her leg as an excuse as yo whyc she wasn't moving (which was an excuse because you can actually see the difference right? When a person is making an excuse and actually not okay) and scolded me a bit. Basically, when I needed softness and comfort and maybe a little pampering, all I got was bluntness, hard love, annoyance and being ignored. I don't remember the last I felt so fucking bad because of something people actively did (not internally feeling bad or hurt feelings feeling bad, feeling pathetic and like a burden). The words "I'll just kill myself and you'll all be finally rid of me and won't have a pain in tbe ass" was at the tip of my tongue (and I can't count how many times this thought ran through my head today), and if I was more non-woozy and had a teeny bit more energy, I would have blurted it out, honestly. I feel so fucking sick, in the miserable vaala way.

I feel so bored and lonely and empty and I want to meet someone new and form a connection and go through the getting to know them process again, but I until and unless I feel an instant "click" with someone, I feel bored if I'm talking to them online - do you see my frigging dilemma

SPOILER FOR FLEABAG

Fleabag and Boo were not in love. They were not romantically attracted to each other. They had a strong, beautiful friendship which transcended amatonormativity. Their love was so deep and so meaningful that people who're limited by the belief that only romantic love can be so, cannot comprehend how friends can love each other so purely and deeply.

This is what our amatonormative culture is doing - it's robbing us of the ability to appreciate real friendship, one which isn't beneath romantic relationships, one which isn't placed on the bottom of a relationship hierarchy, one where best friends talk to each other, and treat each other as if they're lovers; because they are, they are lovers in the sense that they have unconditional love for each other, they are lovers in the sense that they started a café together and stayed together to run it, they are lovers in the sense that Boo was Fleabag's emotional anchor when her mother passed away, instead of her boyfriend. They are lovers in every sense, except for the romantic one.

Another thing I absolutely love about Fleabag - the show - is the fact that Fleabag's life didn't revolve around finding romance. She had fulfilling relationships with her best friend, her best friend's hamster, her sister, a practical stranger who saved her life and a priest who picked God.

She never made the priest feel bad for not picking her, never pressurised him to reciprocate her 'I love you', never slighted his relationship with God despite her being an atheist.

She was such a wholesome character and I fell in love with her in all the ways a person can fall in love with another person. I am so frigging heartbroken that I'll never get to experience the rest of her life, but I am also so frigging content with how the show ended. It was absolutely beautiful.

What do you mean by “normal”? I, personally think of it as an aggregate of various definitions.

Normal is what we’re used to. Normal is the societally accepted way of behaving. Normal is uniformity, in the bad way. Normal is heteronormative, ableist, cissexist and sanist. Normal is a wand of control and power weaving mockery and shame; it is nothing but small minded, judgmental hypocrisy.

Spend your entire life listening to people normalize hetero relationships and that becomes your normal; spend your entire life being exposed to the humiliation of those who’re considered “different” and following the code of behavior which does not incite mockery becomes your normal; spend your entire life watching people with psychological illnesses be called ‘cr*zy’ and ‘ins*ne’ and the avoidance of being labeled the same and in the process, behaving according to society’s rules and regulations becomes your normal; spend your entire life learning about dichotomies and binaries and that becomes your normal. Thus, to put simply, normal is more than the societally accepted way of behaving, it is something we’re conditioned to - a spiral sucking you in down to the dot at the center, suffocating and hindering you and your mind’s expansiveness.

 When I think of “normalcy”, I think of what my family and friends, and even I at one point of time, used to refer to as being “normal”. I think of the clothes worn by actresses and dancers, that wasn’t normal, it was indecent and something worn only by the people in the film industry; people who were loud or flamboyant or funky or just indifferent to what society thought of them weren’t normal, they were cr*zy and those were the sort of people you found in a “mental hospital”; gay people weren’t normal, they were freaks of nature; thankfully, since being trans had a scientific explanation, that wasn’t not normal, but this condition could be applied to only people who were of the binary genders, non-binary was definitely not considered “normal”.

Apart from all this, “normal” is also a term used in place of “majority”. This may come as a shock to most, but what you assume to be a majority can in no way be called “normal”. Hence, teachers can’t generalize their students and assume that they’re all cishet, neurotypical and have no psychological illnesses.

 I do not condone calling people “normal”, it’s the same as the whole “most girls” rhetoric – redundant and narrow-minded.

 I’ve experienced humiliation and name calling for acting like a “cr*zy” person. I’ve been told to not “act like a r*tarded child” by my aunt. My uncle once told me I was, in fact, mentally challenged for he had met a lot of kids my age and none of them acted the way I did. One of my relatives told my cousin sister of age 7 to stop acting like an ins*ne person and proceeded to tell her how those people - who acted the way she was acting - were “locked up in a mental hospital because everyone thought they were mad people”.

  I’ve seen and heard people calling gay people “abnormal” and unnatural just because they were gay. In cishet people’s eyes, queer people aren’t normal because-

 A)    The majority of the population were thought to be cishet

B)    That was what they were used to and queer people were considered a “trend” or fad

C)    Society had conditioned them that way .

 Normalcy is a fallacy, it does not exist, it is the biggest scam ever after organized religion – but it still holds power, it can still break people, still make them drown in the feelings of insecurity and rejection, and if that isn’t enough for us to disown the entire concept, please tell me what is, for the last thing I want to do is be associated with something as disgusting as “normal”.  

TW : SEXUAL HARASSMENT/R*PE

Can people PLEASEEEE stop saying shit like "it's not sexual harassment if you like it" // "it's not harassment if you're turned on" // "your mouth might be saying no, but your body says yes"?!

It does not sound cool, it does not sound sexy and it is absolutely NOT okay for anyone to say this. For one, you need to ask BEFORE you touch - affirmative consent : yes means yes, not no means no. Two, most people's bodies are wired to like physical/sexual touch, and by 'like', I mean respond to it - that does not mean it's consensual. This is also one of the reasons why people don't consider it r*pe if the survivor has orgasmed, and that's just messed up.

We reallyyy need to learn to stop using phrases and language which perpetuate r*pe culture 🤢

I don't feel like touching anyone or being touched today (it's just like that sometimes), and it's a nonverbal day today, which means it takes so so much energy to talk and I really don't want to; but my cousin just told me she has "a lot of things to tell you!" and she's touchy-feely and I'm dreading this so fucking much but I don't know what to say to her because -

1. She's a kid

2. She gets upset very easily

And fuck, I just want to be alone

a nightly routine? oh, wait! I have one those! It's called, 'having a mental breakdown until I finally pass out'.

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also