I Hate The Fact That I'm So Fucking Fragile Sometimes. Like, There Are Days When I Have No Energy And

okay, so I'm fat right? And all my life I've been conditioned with the prejudice that fat people can't be sexy, they can't be into sex stuff - the trope for a fat person was the funny sidekick who loves food and loves to tease their friends and be the butt of jokes. And I never minded that trope because I wasn't conscious of it, though at times it did rub me the wrong way. My family used to tell me if I lost weight I'd be able to dance better when I used to dance for fun in front of them (they meant it in a light way, but that made me an insecure mess who hated dancing - it took me a long time, and an entirely new beginning, to dance in front of people without being overly conscious of my every move), one of my ex classmates told me not even a pr*stitute would have sex with me (I can't even begin to point out how many things are wrong with that statement) and so on. So looking sexy or whatever has become empowering for me. Taking nudes and sending them to people (solicitedly of course), looking into the mirror fully naked, and wearing clothes that are revealing helped me in being comfortable with, and in, my body. For me, sex is something that has been so seperate from people like me, that I want to reclaim it and show people that - here, look, even fat people can dress sexily, even they can be sexual, even they can be into sex, even they can be sexual beings (DO NOT COUNT FETISHISM OR I'LL VIRTUALLY PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE). And that's been another um doubt, y'know? Like, people see me as this person who does things like this and I don't want them to mock me for being a fat person and believing it could be possible for me - if that makes sense. I know I look good when I do dress up, I mean you realise how you look after a certain point when you get complimented enough - I'm not being cocky, I know I fit into the cute/adorable/chirpy fat person stereotype, but I want to be more than that y'know? I don't want to infantilised just because I'm fat and cute. I'm also a sexual being (I don't mean to invalidate asexual or sex repulsed fat people, I'm talking about me, personally) and I'd like people to acknowledge that instead of feeling weirded out since society cannot see fat people and sexy/sexual together.

tl/dr : I want to dress the way I want to - also called slutty by our messed up society - because it empowers me.

Trying so hard to be a person who accepts other people's (difference in) pov without feeling ehem, but don't think it's for me 😳🥺😖

But like always, Imma fake it till I make it or else I'll have no friends hahahahaha

once again,

the same nothingness, a dark spell

the same shut door, the same loud noise

"don't leave me" cried the moon to the light

-slip the door shut, mute the voice.

once again,

the cavity stretched open

the heart became a helium balloon and incredulous laughter choked the moon

what is sanity

why isn't it for me

wonder till eternity

I don't know what I'm doing

I know I'm lonely

I know it's back

But the moon isn't here

Neither is the light

Once again,

I'm alone and holding tight

© eventhough it sucks ass ©

Pls temme as a prsn with BPD to belivr ppl when they say Dey not annoyed or Dey enjoyed company, gtta learn trusy

Role of Conflict and Violence in the Society

For centuries, humans have built themselves up by tearing each other down - countless wars, communal violence, hate crimes, violation of human rights and mass killings. In such a world where one thrives off of conflict and violence, it is imperative that we understand the role both plays, especially in this day and age, especially because death and destruction no longer shocks us, no longer disturbs us, especially since we've become passive and immune to all the violence around us. Today, in this day and age, conflict and violence are not just political issues, it is a personal issue - the political has become personal and it is becoming incredibly difficult to draw the line where one begins and where the other ends.

The growing hate among humans can be seen via the gruesome crime of mass shootings - an extremely widespread and prevalent issue in the US at present. In 2019 alone, there have been over a hundred incidents, most of which were hate crimes against people of color and lgbtq+ people. What was once brushed away as an issue of gun control - a political issue - is now considered to be something personal because a lot of these mass shootings take place in schools, in most of these situations queer people, Latinx people and Black people are targeted, and they could be a neighbor, a relative, a friend, a family member, an acquaintance. According to some studies, the United States has had more mass shootings than any other country in the past years - which shows the importance of proper gun control and strict laws against gun violence. But this is not solely an issue of gun control, it is also a human rights issue, it is proof that prejudice against minorities is on a hike. In the prose 'Whisper of the Bodhi Leaves', Buddhist monks are killed by shooters solely because of their religious differences, because they were from two different communities. Conflict between two communities or violence against a particular community occurs when the in-group feeling goes of out hand; when that happens, one starts to place their community or group on a pedestal and starts viewing different groups as "others"- someone who isn't worthy to be considered their equal. From here stems prejudice and then later on, discrimination. There are so many different forms of discrimination, so many groups discriminated against, remaining apathetic or apolitical in such situations only encourages the oppressor and never helps the oppressed.

What happened with Achan how it led to self harm.

Me feeling like I don't belong anywhere, nowhere feels tight cause conflicts in both places and passively wanna die.

Me being here doesn't make any difference to anybody, life will continue as usual, I'm not important.

im consuming book after book so that this chasm inside my chest doesn't drown me. i feel like there's this emptiness inside that pulling me inside, forcing me to cave in, and it hurts so much

I fucked up, I really really really fucked up. The first thing you need to know is that I overshare, a lot, I literally cannot function without oversharing. I need to give explanations and I need to clarify things which other people may have not over thought so that my brain shuts up and gives me peace of mind.

I've this teacher who is really awesome cool amazing etcetc and I send her interesting stuff - after asking her first. But Yada Yada, I tell my uncle how awesome she is and everything and he's like '

Btw, remember something.. she must be going out of her way to respond to your msgs n be nice to you.. but do remember she has a life too, tto.. don't over burden her so much so that she feels 'aaagh.. She has msged again n I need to respond since she'll expect one..'

And since I'm a person who overthink the shit out of stuff I had already had this insecurity and he just solidified it. So I went and talked to ma'am about it, made everything weird and since then I couldn't get it out of my head that I'd done something wrong and that I needed to apologise for it but not really clear on what it exactly is.

And then a few days ago she was late to class and I personally thought it was an as per usual thing and no one texted her to come either, and plus I have in a terrible mood that day so I was having a heavy conversation with my friend outside the class. So when she suddenly came I was shakey and I couldn't respond properly when she - kinda upset aayittu - asked us why we didn't let her know. So my friend and I were kinda stumped pole, and I guess she realised something or it was just because she was late that she walked in the class. It must've seemed as if I had ignored her after this very deep very weird WhatsApp convo, and also I didn't get to thank her after class because I was thanking my friend for being there for me. So yesterday, which was a few days, 2 or so, after this had happened I text her out of the blue apologising to her for this and now I want to fucking punch myself in the face because I honestly, genuinely hate myself so much because I literally fuck everything up. Like everything. Why can't I stop overthinking so much and overeharing so much, why am I such a fuck up. She must be so weirded out, she must think I'm a fake person, she must think that it was a mistake to allow me to text her in the first place, she must think that she just wished I left her alone and I don't fucking know if it's my bpd or if it's me as a fuck up of a person but goshhhhhh, why the fuck am I like thisss

And I cannot control it. I legit cannot, I swear, fuck, if I could, I would've. I hate myself so much

For a while now, I had been procrastinating thinking about how I felt about certain things; how uncomfortable I feel when people refer to periods as something that is a "cis woman" thing, how uncomfortable I feel when my friends send me posts or made comments which were directed at or about solely cis women, how disturbed I feel when people call me a "woman" or a "lady", the feeling of discomfort and disgust in my throat and tummy when people say things such as, "perks of being a (cis) woman", how I always felt that sick feeling when people gendered things, as if it were only for "cis females".

At first, I thought it was because of how cisnormative it was, how gendered - but then I realised that I've been feeling these feelings since I was small, since I was a child. I had absolutely no idea about the lgbtq+ community back then, I had no idea what "gender roles and norms" were, I wasn't even aware of what feminism meant- so it surely wasn't because of that. Then I forced myself to believe that I was in the process of getting over my internalised misogyny. After a lot of introspection, I realised it wasn't that either. With the help of a few of my friends, I could finally admit that it was because I wasn't a "cis female", it was because I was a demigirl (/an agender girl) - to myself and to them.

Figuring out my gender identity wasn't easy, it wasn't the same as figuring out my sexual orientation. There were days when I would beat myself up - calling myself a fake person, a wannabe. I didn't think that my feelings were valid because I didn't actually mind my body - I didn't have dysphoria; little did I know, back then, that body dysphoria wasn't the only type of dysphoria that existed, and moreover, I didn't have to experience dysphoria to be nonbinary.

I invalidated my own feelings, I refused to acknowledge them, I was afraid of talking to others about it because I didn't want them to confirm my doubts, my insecurities - so I shoved my feelings into a box and hid them away.

But now, after a lot of introspection and a lot of external validation, I finally feel secure with my gender. I am an agender girl, which means, though I do not mind the label 'girl', I do not identify with the meaning people have assigned to it; I do not identify myself as any gender, I am genderless. My pronouns are still she/her. I comparatively feel more "girl" than "agender" - when it comes to the label - but that doesn't make my identity any less valid, that doesn't make *me* any less valid.

My identity is not an oxymoron, my identity is not a buzzword which I find interesting, my identity is who I am, and who I am is not up to you to judge, who I am is up to me to own and accept.

\\

If someone asked me to explain my gender to them - eventhough I know I don't owe anyone any explanations - it would be somewhat like this :

Imagine you were born in a world with no labels, no categories. You don't know what gender is, you don't know what it means to be a girl or a boy or neither or either or both. Imagine you were a person with XX chromosomes, a uterus, a vagina and boobs and that was it. You don't know you have a gender, you don't know your parts and your chromosomes have a sex - you just know you have certain characteristics and that's it. Suddenly, a person from another world classifies you as a girl and you're okay with that, it's a simple classification, doesn't hurt anyone - but then they assign that label an identity, you. You are identified as that label, and on top of that more gendered labels are identified with you. But that's not you, you don't feel that way. You don't feel like boobs are a "female" thing, boobs are just boobs, when it's forcefully called "female parts", you feel sick, you feel like shuddering and curling into yourself. When people say that boobs are an advantage of being a girl, your entire body shakes with disgust, when they add meaning to the label "girl", you feel shaken up, you feel revolted.

But weirdly enough, until they assigned a meaning to the label "girl", it was just an empty word, and you were okay with that.

That is how being an agender girl feels like.

//

TW SELF HARM

My therapist suggested that I draw lines on my thigh with red sketch pen whenever I feel like self harming, and yesterday I tried that and it worked yayyy (only after I self harmed a bit and then remembered it tho)