"you're Tired? How Are You Tired??? You Barely Do Anything The Entire Day"

funny (not really) how the same people who find certain professions/occupations "dishonorable" and "degrading" have no issue availing services of the people who do those jobs. If you want to avail someone's services, respect what they do or fuck off.

little thing i trained myself to practice-

whenever i share something that puts me in a vulnerable position, or something that's special to me; or i stand up for somebody else; or if I send something eg. a message or rant expresses myself and my opinions; and i don't get the desired response; or read a book that isn't "intellectual" enough and overthink if I've wasted that time like my family always claims; or anything that might arouse feelings of regret based on external parties, i ask myself *who did I do that for*/*who am I doing this for*. because what it comes down to it is that I'm doing all that for me. I'm being vulnerable with another person because I feel connected to them and i want to share this part with them; i stand up for people because that's my principle, one of my core values, and I'm being true to myself. I tell my loved what my boundaries are because it's my responsibility to set them for myself. It always comes down to me. And that gives me a sense of power, of autonomy, of self-respect. And my self-destructive, regretful thoughts don't send me down into a spiral and i can manage my bpd symptoms better.

I've never been obedient, I hate being obedient, but now I am being so to avoid getting scolded or spoken harshly to and I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, or losing myself - I feel sick and wrong inside and terrible, horrible. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be, this is someone else doing something to avoid feeling hurt because they're in a fucking fragile mental space and fucking hell. It's wearing on me and I honestly don't know what to do.

im consuming book after book so that this chasm inside my chest doesn't drown me. i feel like there's this emptiness inside that pulling me inside, forcing me to cave in, and it hurts so much

What happened with Achan how it led to self harm.

Me feeling like I don't belong anywhere, nowhere feels tight cause conflicts in both places and passively wanna die.

Me being here doesn't make any difference to anybody, life will continue as usual, I'm not important.

how to tell your family you got a boob tattoo :

step #1 - don't.

Tw suicide

How do you tell your family that the reason you can't think from their perspective that you're hurting family or that you're wrong is because you can't balance in the middle ground between - "you're wrong you just don't understand me why can't you try and understand me" and "I'm wrong I just should kms everyone would be better off if I just kms". There is literally no middle ground, I'll either tip onto on side or the other WHY DONT YOU GET IT

usually for the most part, if someone doesn't reply to me or sends short replies, i can try and rationalize - takes a lot of effort, but I can do it. But lately, many people have been doing it and my brain is deducting that as a pattern and my bpd is acting up and i feel upset and betrayed and abandoned and hurt and rageeee and this pressure in my head to start fights which is so fucking difficult to manage/control, and i just want to scream at everyone and punch myself

Pride 🌈

I've discovered what beauty truly is -

Beauty isn't sparkly eyes or plump lips

It's not perfect curves or sexy dips

It's not sharp collarbones or the moonlight on glowing skin,

Beauty is green grass in the form of glittery tutus

Beauty is the night sky in the form of a gold- black saree draped with attitude

It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, glowing like your smile, splitting your face in two

It is the vast ocean in the form of fishnet stockings and face paint on you.

Beauty is an aurora spilling across the black sky, beauty is the plethora of hues

Beauty is a loud cry, sometimes a gentle tune

Beauty is rough, beauty is crass

Beauty is leather jacket and no shoes

Beauty is suspenders and a skirt, beauty is contradiction like the icy fire and the liquid earth.

Beauty is the body, both covered and nude

Beauty is resilience, beauty is revolt

Beauty is a whisper, beauty is a shout

Beauty is poetry, beauty is the way you move

Beauty is art is you.

I've discovered where beauty truly lies -

In the seven sins that'll guide you to hell, there lies beauty, slowly being fed.

There's beauty in your vessel, there's beauty in your essence, there's beauty in the revolution and the people that it represents

There is beauty in your stride, there is beauty in your fight

There is beauty in this community,

But most importantly, there's beauty in our

Pride.

SOML :-

get drunk to feel stuff ➡ feel understimulayed when no company ➡ experience a low ➡ breakdown

Scenario 2

get drunk to feel stuff ➡ company equals happy happy kiddo ➡ company goes away, chronic boredom ➡ impulsive stuff is done ➡ feel nothing the next day cuz no emotions