Sometimes I Can Tell When An Episode Is Going To Hit Me Y'know? My Chest Sinks And My Head Feels Like

I knew my Tumblr would glitch, so I took screenshots 🙂🙃

My maternal grandma and I were talking about large age gaps in relationships and the importance of sex education, especially for women and I was ranting about all this to her.

My mom and my grandma never had proper sex education. So whatever they learned, they had to learn from their older, much more educated husbands. And no matter how much a good person your husband is, in such a situation, there will be some amount of grooming/manipulation involved - consciously or unconsciously. They'll teach their wives things they like, they'll only impart limited knowledge - they can only teach another person things they know, so if they don't know anything about women's pleasure, they won't know how to tell their wives either. And purposely or not, they might only teach their wives things they like - so a woman believes that these are things they *have* to do while having sex, things they *have* to do in a marriage to make their husbands happy and they could live their whole life not knowing what they like/want. It's so easy for husbands to take advantage of their wives. Even if it's in a tiny way, still. And they might not give them proper sex education, sex education from an "objective" perspective. Moreover, if the husband is conservative and believes in sex only for procreation, they won't even try to make their wives feel good and their wives wouldn't know any better!

But this same man may have gone through pronographic magazines or whatever when he was younger, he may already know about male pleasure. He might have already explored his likes and dislikes, but his wife never got that chance, and now she never will.

It's all so fucking messed up.

My grandma agreed with me tho, completely.

Artist: @pinkbits on Instagram. 

I wrote this back when I had this image as my wallpaper -

 How do I make people understand the significance of the image I’ve chosen as my background picture? It definitely isn’t pornographic, which people don’t seem to comprehend because their teeny tiny minds can’t understand that nudity doesn’t inherently mean dirty, neither does is it automatically become sexual.

 The image speaks to me, it means a lot to me because of various reasons; it is body positive. A seemingly short-ish fat girl (I assume, I cannot say for sure) with curly hair just screams MEEE. The girl is throwing her hands up in the air as if she has no care – she’s confident in her body and isn’t shrinking herself for the thin gaze. She openly celebrates her fat body. The image taught me that fat nude bodies needn’t be hidden, fat nude bodies aren’t something to be ashamed of, fat nude bodies can be beautiful and sexy. It taught me to own my body.

The statements ‘More to have’, ‘More to give’ and ‘More to love’ are fat positive, it is accepting of fat bodies, it is celebratory of fat bodies and moreover there is no underlying shame or insecurity.

#FreeTheNipple – there is no reason why breasts should be censored, nipples should be censored, there is no reason why you shouldn’t exhibit your body if you want to. If cis male nipples aren’t censored, why are non-cis male nipples? There is absolutely no valid reason for this. The image is a big, fat (no pun intended) fuck you to the anti-#FreeTheNipple, slut shame-y and nudity=pornography bullshit.

The image is seemingly of a non-cis man and therefore the armpit hair becomes a statement. Body hair is natural, body hair is okay, body hair is normal, body hair is not disgusting, you do not have to shave if you don’t want to, its your choice and only your choice. There is absolutely no shame in showing off your armpit hair.

  This image is a powerful, radical statement; it is a loud, proud message; it is much more than a naked girl – it is of a naked girl, it also is much, much, much more. But even if it wasn’t, the image would still be as powerful since for some, nudity is empowering and confidently owning your naked body is empowerment. Not only does the image remind me of myself, but it also helped me evolve myself. One picture is worth a thousand words, after all.  

 Fin.

I've been going to the same therapist for over two years and i mentioned that I wanted to be an in patient because I'm a danger to myself and my therapist said she trusts my process. When I told my mom this, she asked me to try EFT - something different - first before becoming an in patient. This was also the time when my therapist moved houses to another state. And it was after my therapist increased the fee. But yeah, anyway, while booking a session with her , my therapist told my mom that she thinks it'd be better to not have two therapists at the same time (which she'd already told me but i took in the sense that we'd ease into it and take a break and then continue because I didn't want a new therapist tbh) but my mom got upset.

And then I did have a session with her and we discovered transference was happening from both sides so we decided to do once a month sessions. And this was also when my therapist's relative died and so many things happening differently. Today while my mom was trying to book a session my therapist asked her if she'd paid already and there was a lil confusion and my mom got pissed and she ranted to me and i HATED hearing it

Not only did I hate that she was thinking negatively of my therapist but my mom also said "she's saying stuff like this only after you started the EFT sessions with another therapist" and i had already been overthinking that my therapist wouldn't want me anymore that she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me finally that now she's not interested and that she's upset because y'know bpd fucking sucks. And my mom saying this felt like further proof and I wanted to cry and scream and throw a tantrum and tell her to shut up and not talk about her like that AND I also wanted to ask my therapist for reassurance but I didn't because what if she was going through something and that's why .

My house is under renovation and i have to write an entrance exam soon for pg i opened up to my family about my mental health issues - so many new things and i cannot and i can't be fully free with the EFT therapist because there's a mental block there I'm holding back things because I don't want her to make me totally okay because if that happens then I won't be able to talk to my therapist because there won't be big proper reasons and i can't do that and what the EFT therapist does make me feel better but i don't want her to because it feels like a betrayal

And now I feel like I'm floating and I feel like everything's changed and imagining not having her fills me with panic and anxiety and I feel like I fucked everything up and i don't know I'm distancing myself from her or trying to hold on too much and i just want to give up and die and i don't want therapy at all anymore i want nothing i want to be nothing

I feel like I've fucked up a good thing and i don't even know if EFT is working and i HATE everything and myself and the world and i literally cannot think badly of my therapist, my brain doesn't go there and i feel like if it did I would break I'm just blaming myself and hatung myself for everything and why am I like this

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't commit to anything, I can't stick with anything, I have absolutely no motivation or drive to do anything that requires even minimal effort. I don't register for webinars due to the fear that I won't be in the "mood" to attend it when it starts, I don't give my name for or take part in any program that my drama club plans/conducts (online, of course) because I don't feel like doing anything. I feel so frigging average - I'm not the best at anything, I don't do anything well. I don't do yoga everyday the way my teacher tells me to do because I don't feel like it at all. My core is empty and I feel nothing.

I feel like such a worse of space, such a disappointment of a person, a dysfunctional human being, a good for nothing. Is this laziness, or is this something worse? I don't even know.

tiny rant #1 : I'm so fucking sick and done with people who shame Larries by telling them they're "shipping" two real life people, when in actuality Larries simply believe in Harry and Louis being together - they (we) believe that Harry and Louis have, or atleast had, something special, something more, and that they're most probably, very likely in love with each other. We do not "ship" them, there's a fucking difference. There are people who haven't talked to a single person who's a Larrie and they spout shit about how they're (we're) fetishising mlm, which is absolute bullshit because the literal meaning of fetishising is thinking of someone or something with a sexual lens, and none of us are jerking off to Harry and Louis having sex you ignorant fucks - atleast use words appropriately, according to their meaning, wtf. ALSO, most importantly, Larries aren't fucking cishet White girls who want to see two boys kissing - most of us are part of the lgbtq+ community and a lot of us are not-White (I'm aro-spec pan + agender AND Indian, personally).

tiny rant #2 : I feel like when people forcefully deny the fact that a person could be queer, they're being more microaggressive/queerphobic than when people assume a person could be queer (in a non-assholic way). Denying that a person could be queer with a lot of force just puts you in a bad light, kind of sending off a pretty problematic message, y'know? For example, so called Harries who're so into denying the possibility that Harry could be trans/non-binary by saying that it's transphobic to assume, are being transphobic themselves by doing so because they refuse to even think of the possibility that he could be, they're so against the idea that it seems as if they could never be open to such a thing, which is super queerphobic if I say so myself. This doesn't mean that Harry is trans/non-binary, I'm not saying that as a fact, I'm just saying that people shouldn't be so quick to stop queer people from wondering if their idols are queer just because they think we're "forcing a label onto him" - which we're not.

I feel so POWERLESS. I feel so fucking powerless. I'm not in control of ANYTHING in my life, absolutely NOTHING. I have a goddamn fucking bed time, a wake up time, I'm told what I should wear and what I shouldn't, everyone has unnecessary opinions on every tiny little thing I do. I've to go where they tell me to, stay where they tell me to, talk when I'm asked to, lower my voice when ordered to. People make me feel bad for asking for things, well, they had for a long time. And now whenever I ask for even the tiniest little favor, I feel like a burden to people, an inconvenience. I've been told stuff like - when I stay at my grandparents' place for a long time, I'm adding on to their stress, they have to make food which I like, do stuff while keeping me in mind and that just inconveniences them.

I basically have no control over anything and on top of that I feel like I'm a baggage to people and I feel like breaking away, I feel so overwhelming emotions because I feel like nothing I say, none of my choices matter - that my voice doesn't matter. But I can't talk to them about this, if I do it's ALWAYS going to be "it's for your own good" // "if you don't want us to tell you things, then fine, you don't care about us, you'll understand when we're no longer here and you have no one to tell you" // "if you were more responsible and knew how to take care of yourself we wouldn't have to do this".

AND THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT! THE POINT IS THAT I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T DO THE TINIEST THING WITHOUT ASKING FOR PERMISSION, I FEEL LIKE I'M A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE TO PEOPLE IF I ASK SOMETHING OF/FROM THEM, I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST FOLLOWING PEOPLE IN LIFE AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ON MY OWN and now it's so fucking difficult to change things and I feel so empty and de-motivated inside, I don't feel like putting energy into anything. I can't do anything on my own without an external push. And this "just be determined and you can do anything" is FUCKING BULLSHIT, THAT'S WHAT IT IS! I CAN'T BE DETERMINED BECAUSE MY BRAIN ISN'T WIRED TO BE. YOU THINK I HAVEN'T TRIED? YOU THINK I STOP DOING THINGS I LOVE, THAT I LOSE INTEREST IN THINGS I LOVE OR I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT BECAUSE I WANT TO?! I HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL OVER ANY OF THIS! I don't know why I'm this way, but I genuinely, legitimately cannot.

And now, I just want to rebel and disobey people, but there's always this guilt that drowns me and I hate it but I want to go against people, I want to be a bad child so I wouldn't feel so bad about myself, I want to lie without choking, I want to all this without my fucked up head thinking thoughts of death and disappointment and killing myself and running away and guilt, so much guilt and cowardice.

I feel so suffocated, so, so bad.

I deleted my previous rant in the hope that my post would be posted since the reason they showed was I had reached my limit, but nope. hahahahaha🙂

Trying so hard to be a person who accepts other people's (difference in) pov without feeling ehem, but don't think it's for me 😳🥺😖

But like always, Imma fake it till I make it or else I'll have no friends hahahahaha