The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Henley Monday -

It's hotter than blazes outside and the humidity in most parts of the country is about 110%. The air is a moist, thick soup that clings to the body like a koala bear to a tree. So the only appropriate recourse is to hide in air conditioning and look at pictures of guys in henleys as hot as sun soaked pavement.

Enter Shemar Moore of Criminal Minds fame. He plays a heroic, uber-masculine, courageous, smooth-talking FBI agent on the TV and I have a feeling he may have a few of those very same characteristics in real life as well.

Bless you Shemar, for many seasons of your procedural crime drama to come.

Throwback Thursday - 

TBT to that one time Carey Grant was reading a script in costume with a teensy-tinsey puppy in his pocket accomplishing the once impossible task of becoming MORE attractive and statistically perfect.

Boo Hiss: Jingles

                    It would appear that the commercial jingle is back and back with the vengeance of a Spider-Man, a Conan the Barbarian, or a guy from any movie/show/legend in which he becomes a Gladiator.

Looking back on my childhood, the jingle that stands out most is Meow Mix. That little cat is now singing inside of your head. With one onomatopoetic word, they created something that stuck with people, across generations, for years and years. Smart.

The only other two stand out examples are products of Chicago-land's greatest carpeting and flooring rivalry: Empire vs. Luna. Here are the lyrics to these two jingles:

800-588-2300 Empiiiiire

vs.

773-202-*sound of four phone keys being pushed* Lunaaaaa

Creative. Anyone who grew up within a three hour radius of Chicago can start one of these jingles, and by the end at least two other people will have joined in. What they lack in creativity, they make up for in brevity and being memorable. Smart.

Now, all this is to say that the jingle has always seemed to me like a thing of the past to me, like something out of I Love Lucy. They're effective only to a certain point (e.g. I don't buy cat food, and I've not yet had a need for floor covering), and, most importantly, they can backfire. The recent outcropping of jingles has, I fear, done just that.

Take this piece of crap for instance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH3CshbUHZY&feature=related

This is what my brain does during that commercial:

"This song is relevant to pizza, but what's all this scrawling across the screen? It's too small then TOO BIG! And his red pants and his murdery red room and he sounds a little pitchy, dawg and the doodling's not helping. Those rocker hands look like cacti. Who is that big-nosed guy in the back? Is that Inspector Clouseau? That's a pretty big rip-off, and he doesn't have anything to do with pizza! Oh, it's over...What was he saying"

Not smart.

This commercial jingle from Post-Its though makes the Pizza Hut song sound like sweet baby cherubim: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q3DMW4e0OE

I am filled with bilious rage on hearing this song. This isn't even a jingle anymore, this is a 90s lady-singer-songwriter jam about plastic tabs. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Phoebe's old music partner comes back, and she writes shitty jingles for stew and sells out "Smelly Cat" (fun fact: that actress also voiced Tommy Pickles!).

Look, Post-It has a brand and they are sticking to it. Their products truly make my life easier, but there are no ground breaking situations in which I'd use a "durable tab" they've presented to me there.

Where would I use "a durable tab"? Pretty much anywhere I have a plain old, REGULAR POST-IT like my planners, cookbooks, files, paper work, but for Pete's sake, if your binder dividers for a home assembled take-out book didn't come with built-in tabs, then that's your fault for being an idiot and not thinking about that at Office Depot when buying them.

NOT SMART.

I do not think these jingles are effective. I do not think they have a place on my TV or in my brain. The problem that they demonstrate is that we're moving away from the purpose of a jingle in the first place. It was quick, catchy, memorable. This latest crop are long, over-wrought, over-produced songs. They have nothing original to say, they're just statements with a tune.

It's tough to admit given their abundance, but the only people doing it right are the Free Credit Score guys. They are clever and present their information in a unique way. I'm not super pumped when one gets stuck in my head, but when it inevitably does, I don't want to kill all the things in the world (lookin' at you, Post-its).

In the end, if you're not using music as a means to disguise an otherwise boring ad, you can stick around. But if you are...then BOO HISS.

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Wowee, everybody. It feels like EONS since last we met and Andi was handing out roses like freshly minted hundred dollar bills. But thanks to the grace of network television, we’re back. And this week Andi and her rugged band of brigands are off to the beautiful Mediterranean shores of Marseilles, France.

We’re now at the part of the show where I feel deeply jealous of these hooligans who are traveling to some of the most beautiful places in the world on ABC’s dime. Lucky bastards. Marseilles is obviously beautiful with that old world, French charm with markets and stone buildings and docks of big boats.

The boys arrive hooting and hollering random words in French to make sure the French know they are there and continue to hate them.  After they settle into what I would call one of the more moderate plush ass suites, Josh gets the first date card.

Before we get the Josh Suave Shakedown, Andi has some council with the one and only Chrarrison! He sneaks up behind her at an open air café wearing, WHAT ELSE but a TURTLENECK. If someone had sat me down before this season started and asked me what the most absurd recurring theme was going to be, I never would have guessed TURTLENECKS. What is this, NINETEEN NINETY-SIX?

Chrarrison is charming as ever and so is Andi. They have a great natural chemistry, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Ashley’s season on the Bachelorette. Chrarrs asks her point blank if she’s falling in love, and she avoids the question by saying “Shit…”. She admits it’s not just with one guy though! OOoooOO! Chris gets a few positive-spin zingers in there.  More Chrarrison time please. That was fun.

The two little lovebirds are going to be exploring Marseilles together, simple as that. Where would this show be without open air markets? How many a time has love been found between the stalls of friendly artisans and farmers and cheese mongers selling their wares? They order two sandwiches that are never to be seen again, and then when walking down a street that has both water and boats docked beside it, Andi says, “So I guess this is like a harbor.”

Yes, Andi. This is “like” a harbor. Boats + dock + water = harbor.

And the next thing you know they are slicing through the water in a boat. If Andi and Chris have good friendship chemistry, the sexual chemistry between Andi and Josh is dynamite. These two are hot for each other but also manage to have an actual discussion about his career while canoodling on the front of a boat in the Mediterranean Sea.

Back at L’Hotel de Douche, Andrew is getting antsy about proving to Andi who he really is as a person. He’s hoping his name isn’t on the group date card that Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face is reading right now. We’ve got Marcus, Dylan BH-GF, Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and Andrew. Andrew and his snaggle tooth are none too pleased.

Josh and Andi’s boat drops them off at a place called The Calanques, some stunning wooded rock formations in the sea. It’s like something out of a fantasy novel. They walk up to a singular wooden bench as if production was like “Eh, you’re on a rock formation. You’ll get those Pier 1 pillows when you’re back on terra firma.”

They talk more about Josh’s baseball career, but at the heart of it, Andi is concerned that their physical connection is the only thing they have. She even invokes the name of You-Know-Who Juan Pablo saying they had a great physical connection but, “Oh my GOD, I could never be with him!”. So we’ll see. Right now I have a touch more faith in Josh than Juanie-P.

But we have other things to talk about like Andrew’s snaggle tooth and apparent RACISM. In L’Hotel de Douche (which I now realize in French means Shower Hotel and not Douche Hotel BUT I WILL PRESS ON), JJ tells Marquel that at the very first rose ceremony after Marquel got his rose, Andrew nudged JJ and said, “Oh she gave them to the two blackies.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..……….WHAT?

BLACKIES!? IS THIS THE EIGHTEEN NINETIES? WHAT THE HELL, ANDREW? I mean does this show have an awe-inspiring lack of diversity? Yes. But let’s not use the incredibly offensive and outdated word BLACKIES. BLACKIE. WHAT THE ACTUAL F*** ANDREW? It’s so offensive I can’t fully wrap my mind around it. And Marquel is rightfully steamed and confused about what to do. On the one hand, we know Andrew is an ass that will deny it. On the other hand, Marquel has a right to call someone out for so thoroughly disrespecting him.

Marquel gets emotional talking to camera about why he’s so conflicted about this. He doesn’t want to stir up trouble, but it hurts him that “No matter how you treat someone, they still have this idea of you. You know? Judge me off of me. It’s crazy to think that the first thing people are gonna think about me is ‘Ok that’s a black guy’ and that’s it.” I am frustrated that Marquel feels he has to defend himself for being hurt that someone was goddamn racist towards him. I am frustrated that Marquel is having to deal with this period.

THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME DEAL WITH A LOT OF REALNESS THIS SEASON. FIRST DEATH AND NOW RACISM? I don’t come here for things that we talk about in real life. I come here for theater of the absurd!

Somehow there is still a date going on. Josh and Andi pull up to Palais Longchamp which is a legitimate palace. It is stunning. They are all gussied up and looking beautiful. Andi is really feeling like tonight is a chance to have a deep discussion with Josh and connect on a deeper level. They use the word “athlete” as a defining characteristic more than one would think possible.

They are talking incredibly close. Lots of close talking about love and past relationships blaaaah blah blah. Andi clearly gets what she wants in terms of an emotional connection with Josh. He gets the rose. And then we have another private concert! This time it’s from Ben Fields. They dance and kiss. The End!

Now let’s get this group date drama started! We’ve got Marquel and Andrew trapped together and we’ve also been promised some words between Cody and Nick.

Ohhhh giddyup. Start your engines, kids! It’s MIME TIME! That’s right the boys are doing mime, Andi says in the producer-concocted theory that it’s really about teaching them the importance of non-verbal communication in relationships.

“I know absolutely nothing about miming except they use a lot of like their hands and…do activities,” Dylan says with the least amount of enthusiasm.  Oh Dylan. You sweet baboon. Your hair is ok today and it’s making that good face of yours look even better.

After a good instruction session from an adorable old French mime, they guys get changed into traditional garb to go perform on the square. This is embarrassing not only for them but also for America, and I would like to propose a retroactive petition for them to not.

Except they very quickly win me over because the adorableness factor is through the roof! Farmer Chris jumps right up there and does his best mime. The people of Marseilles are indifferent at best. It comes as no surprise to me that Marquel, who is a clown in everyday life, is super into mime and is probably the best one.

After the initial awkwardness, all the guys get into it and it does look like fun. Mostly the kids of the town come out and the guys are great with them. JJ shines by being so positive and ADORABLE. Everyone is having fun…except for one person. Andi calls out Nick for pouting.

“Salty, salty Nick,” Andi says. He’s upset to be on a group date and sharing his time with Andi. Andi’s thoughts are to suck it up, basically.

At the cocktail party, Andi has done the unthinkable and donned YET ANOTHER turtleneck sweater. She's got this cute little french ponytail hair situation and a black f***ing turtleneck. We are living in this reality.

JJ pulls Andi aside right away. He (the producers) had this great idea of stealing Andi away for some extended one on one time. So he (the producers) took her on the Ferris Wheel at night. It’s beautiful and quite romantic. I also just adore JJ and his endless supply of good fashion sense.

All is not quiet on the Western Front, however, as the guys start to dig into Nick a little bit for basically being a smug bastard this whole date. They say he always acts like he’s above it all and acts as if he knows he’s “the front runner”. Even Patrick, who is hot but friends with Andrew and therefore of questionable moral fiber, calls him out saying there’s a difference between confidence and being an asshole. Cody straight up asks him, “Do you think you’re the front runner in all this?”

And Nick replies, “Eh. Yeah.” Which is bold. Boldy-boldy, bold move in front of all these other alpha dogs. And just then Andi and JJ come back in. JJ is precious and wearing a big dumb smile, but Andi immediately senses the tension.

Farmer Chris tells Andi a little bit about the things being said, but he’s even scared to tell her like the sweet, sweet puppy of a man he is. Andi realizes that if Nicest Guy in the World Chris is saying something, she needs to look into it.

Cody is still laying into Nick and keeps throwing the words “homie” and “bro” around. Cody is accusing Nick of mocking him for some random something about being grateful? He keeps saying “homie” though, and it’s hard to take his stake in the conversation seriously when he says “homie” every third word.

So when Nick and Andi have their time she calls him out for being “salty” during the date despite him telling her he had fun. I somehow don’t believe him. She tries to press him about what the drama is between him and the guys right now. He is forthright about the details, but Andi points out how much he’s downplaying the whole situation. She wonders if he’s not emotionally manipulating her.

But don’t worry. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads because Nick has a POEM. A POEM. To read to Andi. Look. Chris put me through the ringer last season with his poetry and it was all garbage and he won, but still. Do you guys know how difficult it is to transcribe each line of that garbage? It is difficult and it means I get to suffer through it five or six times as many times as other people. SO I’M NOT GONNA DO IT. You can’t make me. He says some choice words like “When I look at you I see beauty/ When I look at you I see strength” so let that just paint the outlines of the picture with words he painted.

She seems guarded during the whole exchange because I think she realizes how much she likes him but also realizes that there might be a side to him she doesn’t see. So we’ll see with Nick. I still like him, but I think he needs to shape up or ship out.

AND THE DRAMA CONTINUES as Marquel confronts Andrew in front of the other guys which is a good idea so that things don’t get out of hand. Marquel just places the facts out there but doesn’t throw JJ under the bus. He is very calm and mature about the whole ordeal. Andrew reacts pretty strongly that he did not say that at all. He is clear about how he aims to treat every single person in the house with equal respect, regardless of who they are, where they come from, or how much money they make.

I think the argument could be made either way here. Since we don’t have proof, we have to speculate. Either Andrew was reacting strongly because it would be terrible to be accused of saying something so offensive and derogatory towards someone, or Andrew reacted that way because he wanted to overcompensate for actually saying that not wanting to get caught in being a “bad guy”.

But we aren’t here for philosophical debates; we’re here for some sappy romance and overproduced special moments. So JJ gets the rose for being adorable and taking her on a Ferris wheel! Nick is being a pouty-pouty poo-poo about this.

Brian has the final one-on-one. He is nervous for his date because he knows they’re going to be cooking. They trek off through picturesque Marseilles, and then they pop into the “cinema” to watch a movie. Cinema seems a little generous for the vacant potato cellar they are occupying. It’s an empty stone room with a projection screen and a leather couch and one sad popcorn machine.

They watch a movie called “The 100 Foot Journey” about an Indian man and French woman falling in love through cooking.  I kind of want to see it with my mom real bad. Helen Mirren is in it.

Brian and Andi try their damndest to make analogies for how the movie is like a relationship. Whatever guys, the good part is them going through the market and picking out the foods to make their dinner. I’m jealous.  They get frog legs to prepare like a couple of professional amateurs.

As they arrive at Andi’s super cute apartment though, things get strange. Brian gets very quiet because he’s so nervous to be in the kitchen. Andi is put off a lot by this because the mood before was so free and easy and now it’s tense and strange. It should be a romantic fun time, but Brian’s nerves are getting the better of him.

They try the frog legs and both hate them, and Andi’s also feeling like there’s no flavor in the relationship. So they scrap all the food they made and get boeuf bourguignon at an outdoor café. They love the food, and now Brian is realizing that he should’ve been more open while they were cooking. He tries to open up and calls out that he was just feeling shy in the kitchen. They kiss and smile a lot. And he gets the rose. Then he takes her back into the kitchen of the café to kiss her and make up for not doing it in the apartment earlier. Smooth move, buddy. Smoothiest.

In the darkening twilight of a palatial estate, a Rolls Royce brings Andi her men to the cocktail party. Andi’s hair is in a big voluminous braid and a sequined dark blue dress. They match the romantic décor of the estate perfectly. She sits down with the Chrarrison to hash out what she wants to do this week. Andi doesn’t need a cocktail party because she feels sure of which relationships aren’t going anywhere. She is cutting three guys.

This throws the guys into a downright tizzy. They are all visibly deflated about not getting a final chance to talk to Andi. Dylan’s bad hair is the worst it’s been. He has it parted down the center and then the front little tendrils are expertly gelled. Why didn’t anyone stop him? JJ I’m blaming you.

Josh, JJ, and Brian are on a separate pedestal for they have already received roses. Andi walks out and gets the ball rolling. Roses go out to Marcus, Nick, Chris, Dylan BH-GF, and the final rose goes to CODY. I make a noise like a swooping bald eagle because CODY? F***ING CODY? HE’S THE BIGGEST JABRONIE AROUND.

So Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel are going home. I think it’s time for Andrew, but Andrew was his own worst enemy. He’s blaming everyone else for the fact that he didn’t have a stronger connection with Andi. Which is definitely a quality one wants in a partner. Patrick is upset and tells us, “I have been told by many people, not just girls, that I have many qualities that would make me paramount as a husband.” Which….where do I start? I’ll start with SHUT UP YOU TWAT. And I think we’ll end there too. Shut up. You twat.

Marquel is the one I’m saddest to see go because he was the most genuine guy out of those three. He was a clown, but he was a nice guy who was a class act through every moment. Best of luck to you Marquel! Please don’t allow yourself to feel down about the fact that you were cut at the same time as Andrew and Patrick the Douche Patrol.

That’s it for this week. Next week we are moving on to Venice where there will be masquerades and gondolas and, of course, the famous Venetian Lie Detector Test that Shall Stir Up Much Displeasure Amongst All Parties Involved.

I can’t wait.

Until then, I’ll be over here. Doing my thing and posting pics of hot guys and random youtube videos of Tom Hiddleston. And I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod extolling the various virtues of certain World Cup players bodies. Ciao, bello!

Henely Monday - 

Welcome to the really extended week long ramp-up to Halloween we're getting this year. I'm not complaining one bit because any excuse to watch scary movies and eat so much candy I physically hurt is a good one. And many of you indulged in some fun-having too much last weekend and you really need this, a double dosage of henley.

And I found both these pictures and could not wait to share both at the same time. Because I love Tom Hiddleston and I love that THOR 2 is coming out in less than two weeks and I love that he is wearing a different leather jacket over a different henley in both of these pictures and I love that he looks so sad and forlorn about how he KNOWS how perfect he is. He knows. For better or worse, this guy knows how perfect he is.

And I love it.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Do you guys think that when humans look back on our civilization hundreds of years from  now they'll find dozens of recaps about a show that purported be all about true love but was really about exploitation and the lengths people will go to for fame and ultimately feel really ashamed of our indulgence? No? Me either. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE!

The world traveling kicks off this week with everyone heading to Atlantic City. Let me tell you, their feigned excitement over visiting such an exotic locale is through the roof! They try really hard to make Atlantic City not look like the dated, bizarre hell-hole that it is, but a roller coaster on a rainy boardwalk can only entice one’s desire to travel to Atlantic City so much.

 “MAN THIS PLACE IS AWESOME. IT’S BASICALLY LIKE LAS VEGAS ON THE OCEAN,” Kasey yells.

The first one-on-one date is going to Brad, the one with the kid and an addict ex-wife. This will be interesting because we haven’t seen much of him other than when he told her that sordid bit of his past.

As James and Mikey voice over how they think Brad is a nice guy but maybe too quiet for Des, the couple have a blast going on all the rides on the boardwalk. Brad does seem a little quiet, but maybe that’s what Desiree needs. I don’t know; I’m not her.

She and Brad get to tour a candy factory without hairnets or any other sanitary gear. After visiting the taffy room, Des whispers that she smells chocolate. “Where’s the chocolate?” she urgently whispers again. Well, they find it! It’s like a sterile and un-beautiful Willy Wonka! They just dive right in and grab chocolate covered pretzels off the conveyor belt. I’m concerned about the health standards at this factory.

High from their glassed-in prison, Bryden and Zak W. (and Ben but I hate him) spy on what they think are Desiree and Brad on the boardwalk.

“This is a disaster,” Zak sighs, exasperated, “Especially on a carousel! Things always happen on a carousel.” Do they, Zak W.? What kinds of things always happen on carousels? On the Bachelorette Emily and Arie made out once, and one time there was a haunted carousel in the feature length made-for-tv “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” movie, but those are the only two things I can think of that have happened on carousels.

Regardless, Zak W. is upset and becoming a little obsessively psycho about Brad on this date.

Wow. Check out the sick ass sandcastle of love they get to lounge in. It’s pretty impressive and probably super cold. They have a pleasant but vague exchange.

God I feel like the dates this season have six bajillion parts. They have their dinner at yet another location, this time a lighthouse. Desiree is unsure if at this point Brad’s good qualities are translating into a connection. I’m unsure at this point if Brad likes girls.

Between many awkward pauses filled by drinking wine, the conversation is strained. It’s uncomfortable to watch them be so uncomfortable. Even after climbing to the top of an historic lighthouse that should be a romantic lookout point, the two have nothing to say to each other. Ok, Des, please, cut the cord.

She does. Des cuts the cord. AT THE TOP OF THE LIGHTHOUSE. They are trapped up there together. Brad is getting dumped in a room from which his only escape is a tiny, tiny door in the floor. Poor guy. He is a sweet accountant who will make another woman very happy.

Group date time, y’all! Brooks, Bryden, Zak K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Mikey, Ben, Michael, and Chris will be trying become Desiree’s “Mr. Right.” Brooks describes Des as a unicorn. Drew is still super duper cute.

Everyone gathers in the gymnasium of Boardwalk Hall to meet with Chrarrison and the current Miss America, who hails from New Jersey. Boardwalk Hall is where the first Miss America pageant took place 90 years ago, so for the date these boys will be competing in their very own all male revue in a Mr. America pageant! I love this. I love when they are forced into frivolity and peacocking.

Guys. Guys. Guess what Michael G. says. You’re never going to guess. It’s better than anything I could make up that he says in reaction to this date. He says, “As a young kid, I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America, and now I have the opportunity to make those dreams a reality. And that’s all you could ask for out of life.” WOW! HE DEFINITELY LIKES GIRLS NOT BOYS!

World famous pageant coach (I’m not sure those words can technically be used together truthfully) Christopher Dean sashays onto the scene to also help the guys prepare for the pageant. This show is such a gift to me and my life.

The first task to take care of is choosing a talent for everyone, AND JUAN PABLO GOES STRAIGHT FOR THE BATON AND STARTS TWIRLING AND TOSSING IT. LIKE, JP IS REALLY GOOD AT BATON TWIRLING. ¡DIOS MIO!

More and more antics ensue. Drew accurately describes the proceedings as a “hodge-podge of tomfoolery.” Bless, Drew. Bless. Additional blessings unto Drew for deciding that he will recite Romeo’s famous monologue from “Romeo and Juliet.”

As a final twist, Mr. Dean reveals that there will also be a swimsuit competition. The guys have preassigned swimsuits; some are trunks, some are speedos. When asked how Juan Pablo feels about his speedo he replies, “I FEEL GREAT!” I can’t handle my amor for this total goon.

The audience is assembled, the stage is set, Chrarrison is in his best hosting suit, and it’s time to get this dog and pony show on the road. Miss America Valerie Hagan, Mayor Lorenzo Langford, and Desiree shall be the judges presiding over this most presitigous affair.

Kasey is first up in the interview portion. His question is “In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker?” Boring! So is his response! Most of the questions are weird like “would you be water or fire?” or “what animal would you be and why?” These are the kinds of questions my friends and I ask each other on road trips, fun, but not the kind of thing I care to know about Zak W.

Chris is starting to shine very brightly here. He stumbles through his response but is charming and adorable the whole time. He also would not part with his strappy pink high heels earlier while practicing.

Um, Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter? So. Yeah. Way to be upfront with me about that JP. Like, I’m going to forgive you but I need you to not disclose such important details to me during a mock beauty pageant.

Mikey tries to say that women just see men as bodies and can’t see that they are real people. Yeah, Mikey, I’d say WOMEN are definitely the worst perpetrators of the objectification of the opposite gender. You MEN really have to struggle with being seen as a piece of meat.

TALENT SHOW TIIIIIIIIIIME! Kasey comes out in red pants to tell a terrible story and do some equally terrible tap dancing.

Mikey, who recently berated women for objectifying him, does a strip tease. He takes off his clothes for his talent. His abs are his talent. ABS AREN’T A TALENT, MIKEY.

Brooks hurts my ears with a made up song on a ukulele that he cannot play.

Ben ribbon dances without a shirt; Drew reads that monologue from a script and I silently deduct points for not memorizing; darling Chris does some hula hoop tricks in the aforementioned pink high heels; Bryden regales us with another strip tease.

And then, a funny thing happens. Zak W. sings pretty well and plays guitar to a nice, simple song he wrote. Is he Bob Dylan? No. Was it sweet? Yes. Does he still have crazy eyes? YES.

Then we watch a handful of the guys prance around in swimsuits. Mikey does that creepy peck flex thing that male strippers do. I do not get to see Juan Pablo in a speedo. I am greatly upset by this. But Drew is surprisingly cut.

After much (minimal) deliberation, the results are in! Brooks is our second-runner up, followed by Zak W. And the winner of the whole crown is…Kasey? I guess. Seems pretty arbitrary. He gets a giant dopey crown, flowers, and a sash.

After the pomp of the pageant, Desiree plans a pool party for her posse! So much chill fun. Chris snags her away first to show her his more serious, not high heel wearing side.

Oh my gosh. He writes poetry. Don’t make fun of him guys. He went through some tough times with baseball, so he goes to coffee shops to write poetry. If he wasn’t so cute I would murder him for this confession, but he is precious. Des is super into it too, for she does the same thing!

HE READS ONE. HE READS ONE ABOUT THE DATE ON TOP OF THE HOTEL. IT ALL RHYMES. OH. MY. GOD. HIS POEMS ALL RHYME!!!!

Back at the other pool, Bryden hates Ben a whole awful lot. His hatred is so fierce that it makes me like Bryden more. Ben decides to have his one-on-one time with Desiree right in front of all the guys which sends them up the walls.

Des is completely taken by him though. She totally digs the fact that he wears a necklace with his son’s thumbprint. I mean, look, wear a necklace with your son’s thumbprint but don’t try and play it like you “tried to show it to her during your talent” when your talent was RIBBON DANCING.

Zak W. uses his time to play the rest of his song based on his experience on the Bachelorette. I want to hate it, but it’s actually not terrible. He just really wants a rose. He gets the rose!

Chris is bummed that he didn’t get it, but he’ll be fine. He’s too cute to send home yet. Bryden didn’t get any one-on-one time with Des, which is weird for him and me. That’s unusual.

Has anyone heard more than two words from Zak K? Who is that guy? He’s a beefy book publisher. That’s all I got.

James is excited for his date. His bags are packed, but his hair is gelled in hopes that he’ll earn a rose. They are going on a helicopter ride, but this isn’t your typical Bachlorette helicopter ride. They are going to tour some of the devastation of Hurricane Sandy along the Jersey Shore. That should be a fun and sexy time for them, yes?

The destruction is intense. It’s real people’s lives that have been affected here, so I can’t make light of that.

What I can make light of is that as they’re touring Seaside Heights from the ground, they walk past the actual “Jersey Shore” house. I would know that shack of doom anywhere, and that is the real deal.

The Red Cross guide takes James and Des to meet a real couple in the process of rebuilding. They’re in their sixties and true New Jerseyians. The woman is so excited to meet Desiree from the tv! They are just lovely, and their story really affects Des and James.

We find out that Manny and Jan had to spend their wedding anniversary in a Red Cross shelter right after the worst of the storm. With that in mind, Des and James “decide” (are coerced by producers) to give their fancy date to this sweet couple so they can properly celebrate their marriage.

Instead of dinner in a gaudy Atlantic City ballroom, Des and James grab some food at a dive bar. That food is probably terrific, and I would prefer that as a date anyways.

James tells Desiree that he cheated on a girlfriend he dated for five years during his freshmen year of college. I appreciate that he’s being honest; I would want to know that. But at the same time, that was almost ten years ago for this guy, and what person didn’t make beyond stupid, awful, dumb-dumb decisions their freshmen year of college? I’m not forgiving what he did, but I’m saying it probably doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad person now. Turns out Desiree agrees with me.

Back in Atlantic City, Manny and Jan are presented with their wedding photo album that was ruined in the flooding. They have a letter from a volunteer saying they helped to restore the photos in that album. They’re crying looking at it. I’m crying looking at them. It’s a very nice gesture! True love is real!

Here’s a link to the American Red Cross website. I give $20 a month, and I really don’t make much. But every time something like Hurricane Sandy, the Boston Marathon bombings, and any other disaster happens, I’m glad to know I can help people like Manny and Jan. Also it’s tax deductible if that’s a thing that means something to you.

And then there’s a private concert for James, Des, Manny, and Jan from Darius Rucker. If it was Hootie and the Blowfish I might get excited but it’s not so I’m not.  Oh yeah and James gets the rose.

Going into the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Bryden is feeling uncertain. He’s not sure his feelings for Desiree are where they should be, nor hers for him. He even tells the guys he’s not sure if he would accept a rose if he was offered one.

In order to stake his claim for a rose, Michael has designed a grand gesture. He writes out D-E-S-I-R-E-E and with each letter tells her a reason why he likes her. It’s an acrostic poem of love. Kill me. They share a lukewarm kiss.

Bryden has his talk with Desiree. She tries to reassure him and give him the confidence that she does want him there. Bryden is still doubtful and hasn’t made a decision. I respect him for being honest, though, that he isn’t necessarily head over heels for a girl he’s been on one real date with.

Tonight, there is only one guy who won’t be receiving a rose. But who knows what Bryden will do. What’s to become of this?! Here goes nothing. She calls out Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablito, Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, and then she calls out Bryden and he accepts. And the final rose goes to Mikey. Zak K. our stoic but beefy book publisher is going home.

He’s actually really eloquent and seems perfectly nice. What the hell, producers? Why didn’t you even show him more? Whatever, she’s got enough guys to deal with as they travel onward to Munich. It looks like some of the building tension will boil over in Deutschland, and I cannot wait. Auf wiedersehen, my friends!

Henley Monday -

Happy first day back at work after a long weekend! It was a beautiful weekend up here in Chicago, and I hope everyone out there enjoyed the last official bits of summer fully. I know I did.

But maybe you enjoyed a little too fully and now the hours until you can go home and put on sweats and watch So You Think You Can Dance are dragging by? Enter Hugh Jackman looking fooooiiiiiine in this here crisp, white henley. Jackman doesn't get better than this.He is a tender, hyper-masculine PRINCE among mortals.

Keep it up with the TWO-SIDES Hugh; we love you for it.

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

"Either I live or I die or I poop my pants"

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! HELLO!!! I may be two days late but I PROMISE not to be a dollar short. It’s been a bizarre week of my life, but I think things in Vietnam will prove to be even stranger. And we’ve also been promised some saucy pushing of the limits by some of the contestants to which I say: LET US SAUCE AWAY!

Juan Pablo is rightly stunned by the dynamic beauty of Vietnam. I think I know what you’re wondering though, “Will someone say ‘Good morning Vietnam’?”. YOU GUYS. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. SOMEONE DOES. IT’S CLARE. Let’s be real for one second though: I would kill to be staying in that suite, in that hotel, in Vietnam. Tengo celos, my friends.

Renee gets the first one-on-Juan. Thank God. It’s been a long time coming for Renee who has quickly become not only a front-runner but a fan-favorite.  She is full-cylinders, gunning for a kiss today.

“I can’t wait to make her enjoy the day and meet the world and see a different culture and eat some weird stuff,” Juan Pablo tells us about his excitement for the date with Renee today. I mean how magnificent is that run-on sentence?  Juan Pablo does get all serious for a second and say he really likes that Renee is also a single-parent and is the same age as him. At least the man has a tiny bit of sense.

Juan Pablo drives a pedi-cab over to a dress shop where they will have a tailor made dress fashioned for Renee out of beautiful silk. I mean wow. I want a tailor-made silk dress. Renee is so sweet and so kind. The two of them do have a very natural chemistry I have to say. They wander about the streets and eat fruits and buy their kids souvenirs and buy flowers. They are just very at ease together.  I don’t know, guys, maybe these two have a chance? I was worried she was going to be too platonic, but maybe not?

Night has fallen and the beautiful lights on the river are lit. Renee emerges in her custom dress of this rich purple and blue pattern. It’s beautiful.

“She looks good on those dress!” salivates Juan Pablo. Although not quite in the cartoon wolf way he salivates over say, a Kat or a Clare.

They talk about her ex-husband/baby-daddy at dinner. “I see her and I see myself,” admits Juan Pablo. I DON’T KNOW GUYS, HE SEEMS LIKE HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES HER. I feel like he has a more physical connection with some of the other women, but I think JuanPa knows, deep in his corazon, that Renee is a person he could be with as another human person.

Totes obvi Renee gets the rose. And then an amazing thing happens. They walk down to the river and they get to make a wish on tiny paper lanterns that they set afloat. Renee wishes for a kiss because she is like a dog with a bone with getting her lips on his lips. But no dice, Renee. Juan Pablo wants to be respectful of your son, so with you he’s taking things slow.

After that little aperitif, we move onto the meat and potatoes of the episode: the big group date. “Can you go with the flow?” reads the date card. Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Ali, Danielle and Andi who is pissed about being on a group date once again, are all ready to explore. I really hope that it becomes a dissent into madness in the style of Hearts of Darkness. I would love to see Clare sitting on a bamboo throne professing her triumph over these mortal women a la Dennis Hopper. THE HORROR!

But enough of my fever jungle dreams! They are actually going boating in these adorable circular bamboo boats. Think of it as a semi-spherical canoe. They pair up ,and would you believe it? Clare elbows her way into being paired with Juan Pablo.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I love and cherish you. “Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, so when Juan Pablo says pair up, everyone has a friend…but Clare. For the first time in history having no friends works to your advantage.” IT’S LIKE SHE’S DOING MY JOB FOR ME!

Of course JP and Clare immediately get stuck and Juan Pablo steals a kiss. So, that seems inconsistent. I think his idea at this point is that he can kiss the women he’s already kissed as much as he wants, but no new women will be kissed. It’s a very exclusive club troubled by severely flawed logic. Your daughter won’t care how many women you kissed, but she will care WHICH women you kissed and how much and how many other women it was in front of.

And of course, all the women see him kiss Clare. The general consensus is that it is eight women are along for the ride of Clare and Juan Pablo’s one-on-one. Chelsie agrees by describing how romantic her morning with her friend Ali has been.

After shoring up, they wander onto a farm where they are each given a traditional straw hat (Yup, it’s that one you’re trying to make yourself not think of because you’re worried it’s racist – it’s that hat), and a knife and a basket. They are taken out into the fields where they are helping to pick the produce for their dinner.

Cassandra, bless her simple heart, looks hilarious in the hat and is telling us all about the farm and how everyone works together in one big community and that “I was telling the other girls that we should have this in America”. And I don’t know. It might be the hat, or her simple voice paired with a sweet smile, or the bizarre yet earnest intonation of her words, but I laugh about that, all alone on my couch, for a good thirty seconds.

Then Andi has a little temper tantrum on the commune and Juan Pablo sooths her WHILE WEARING THE HAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT ALL THESE GENUINE MOMENTS ARE HAPPENING IN THESE HATS.

After the day’s work, they sit down to a huge, beautiful feast. I mean it is traditional Vietnamese food cooked fresh from the field! I want that! The consensus continues to be that Clare is the worst.

“Clare knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. And that’s Juan Pablo,” Kelly says. “And can we hate her for that?...Well I mean, we can.” KELLY YOU ARE AN AMAZING, SPECIAL FLOWER! DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE!

At the cocktail party, everyone has exotic looking cocktails with what I swear is an entire Granny Smith apple carved on top. Clare gets pulled away first with Juan Pablo which sets the girls’ hackles on high. Everyone is like, “Welp, seems about right.”

Oh hey, Danielle is still there. Just a reminder because they don’t let her talk.

Juan Pablo now brings Clare up to see his suite. Why? Why? Why? ¿Por qué? They have solo swim time and are getting pretty handsy and kissy-kissy. Clare is nothing but completely proud of herself in all her interviews. I hate Clare -The end, by Cassie Niespo.

How long are they gone? They must be gone forever, but we don’t see the girls’ reaction on their return because we immediately see Sharleen’s alone time with Juan. They sit on the beach and cuddle.  “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears,” says Sharleen, which is a cute/weird take on the “bagel on a plate full of onion rolls” line from Funny Girl.

Andi is still questioning what’s happening between her and JP. She talks about it again with him during her time. They cuddle on the beach and end up making out. She really wants the rose and frankly, I think she deserves it.

Clare gets the date rose though because Juan Pablo is at least consistent in his horn-dog, sexually clouded judgement.

As the girls get back from their date, Clare decides she doesn’t want the night to end AND that she wants to swim in a warm ocean! I think that’s what we’re calling sex now! Swimming in a warm ocean! So she sneaks off back to JP’s suite, and he’s like, “Yeah let’s do it” because penis.

Clare describes the ocean as “waves of hot, warm bath water” which sounds so, so romantic: hot, warm bath water. They get pretty hot and heavy in the water and probably do some stuff under the water we don’t get to see. More on that later…

…Because now it’s time for potential mean-girl Nikki to get her one-on-Juan date! Nikki is wearing an impossibly stupid sparkly headband across her forehead. Can you imagine how irritating that would be when you’re sweating profusely in the jungles of Vietnam?

They walk through a beautiful, jungle mountain path. It’s amazing. And then they get to the surprise. And the surprise is yet another Fear Factor challenge. They are repelling down a giant hole in the ground into complete blackness to explore a cave. It’s so deep and so dark that they can’t see the bottom. Nikki is freaking out AND RIGHTLY SO. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TYPE THOSE WORDS RE: DATES ON THIS SHOW? WHY DO WE KEEP FRIGHTENING WOMEN INTO LOVE ALL FOR THE SAKE OF A STRAINED METAPHOR ABOUT LOVE AND TRUST AND RELATIONSHIPS???

“Either I live or I die or I poop my pants,” Nikki confesses. Yup. That about sums it up. I like her for that for about one minute until she makes another metaphor about falling and trust and love. SHOW DON’T TELL, NIKKI. Show don’t tell.

She has a genuinely difficult time going down the cave, so when they are stopped to catch their breath, Juan Pablo kisses her. And that, allegedly, gives her the strength to keep going. How splendid. His kisses are magical and medicinal.

Oh also I forgot to mention the cave is called “Hell”. How playful!

At night they have dinner in another tricked out cave. He touches her hair and her left ear a lot. They talk about how she is not a morning person and that it’s good to admit faults so you seem more realistic. Sure. True, true.

“Every day I’m helping people, but when I look back, I realize they are helping me too,” Nikki tells Juan Pablo in what I’m sure she thinks is an incredibly vulnerable and wise moment. I again laugh for an extended period of time.

She gets the rose.

The rose ceremony tonight is from another world of beauty. The women arrive by barge in their lovely dresses to a lantern lit oasis on the river. But things will not stay so Eden-esque forever. Three women are going home tonight, and you can see the tension in the room rise to threat level midnight© at the announcement.

As he sneaks each woman off one by one he gives us the run down on how and why he likes them. When it comes to Renee’s time, they talk about her son Ben and how he’s very mature for an 8 year old, and would “not be pissed” at Juan Pablo for kissing her. “So he wouldn’t be pissed at me” he says, and she says, “No! He wouldn’t be pissed at you!” And he KISSES HER. LIKE HE MEANS IT. It’s a good looking kiss, y’all. Renee is on cloud nine. She earned this. I just hope that he understands that their relationship is stronger for it and that kiss was way better because of delayed gratification (Tom Hiddleston and Cookie Monster know what I’m talking about).

And then, oh then, we move on to Clare and the Rising Regret of a Romp in the Raging Ocean. Juan Pablo confronts her and tries his best to express why he’s not feeling the best about their intimate time in the ocean the other night.

“I’m trying to be as fair as possible,” he keeps saying in an attempt to explain that he wants to give everyone equal time to build their relationships. Which, I guess, ok maybe.

“It’s not about fair. It’s about how you feel,” Clare fires back. But this is not the way to sooth JP.

She starts to cry and Juan Pablo tries to have her look at him and look him in the eyes so he tries to turn her head and then he cranes his neck to kind of peer through her hair as she cries.

“Don’t cry anymore, ok? Can you stop crying for me, please? Don’t be stupid. I’m telling you it’s ok. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me.”

ALL THAT AND MORE HITS FROM THE TOP SELLING RECORDING ARTIST: PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG HORRIBLE PARTNER IN LOVE AND LIFE!

Basically what it comes down to is that Juan Pablo would not want his daughter to see what happened between them in the ocean the other night. Again, fair. But also we really didn’t see that much so I feel like he regrets taking it to a place physically that we weren’t necessarily privy to. I don’t know, man! At least you didn’t skinny dip with the show’s greatest villain of all time BEN AND COURTNEY.

Clare feels awful because “all she wanted to do was swim in the ocean” and did not at all want to disrespect the relationship Juan Pablo has with his daughter. I also see her point. Do I like Clare very much? Not at all. Do I think Juan Pablo is slut-shaming her a little bit over virtually nothing? Yes. Not good on you, Juan Pablo. Bad form.

She runs off to a corner of the garden to cry more and he keeps insisting that she look at him. He wants her to delete the conversation from her memory.  “If he didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it,” she weeps to camera. I mean, yes but also honey you knew you were using your feminine wiles to beguile him. But also no slut shaming? But they just SWAM IN THE OCEAN. WE ARE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL HERE. Clare ends by saying an ominous “I don’t know where we go from here.”

But we must inevitably come to the rose ceremony where three women will be sent home. Renee, Clare, and Nikki all have roses from the dates, then he calls out, in order: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and just to make her sweat buckets, he calls Andi last.

That means that Ali and Danielle are going home along with KELLY! THE DOG LOVER AND MY KINDRED SPIRIT! DEAR SWEET KELLY, YOU ALWAYS HAD SUCH AMAZING QUIPS AND SOUNDBYTES FOR US, AND YOUR “TIRED OF IT” EXPRESSION BROUGHT SUCH A LIGHT TO THE SHOW. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE, AND I PRAY THAT THEY RESURRECT BACHELOR PAD SOLELY TO GET MORE OF YOUR RAZOR WIT ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN.

Juan Pablo and many of the women cry. It’s an emotional rose ceremony, to be sure. But everyone will have to raise their spirits because next week they are HIKING THE TRAIL TO MORDOR! THAT’S RIGHT! STRAIGHT TO MIDDLE EARTH ITSELF: NEW ZEALAND. LOTS OF CAPS!

So next week we will be posting at our regularly scheduled posting with all new sordid adventures. Are you ready for the number of LOTR/Hobbit jokes I’ll be making? Are you? If not, follow me over on @Chasspod to get acclimated, if you are, then still follow me @chasspod because lots of LOTR jokes happen there.

Henley Monday -

Dylan O'brien is blowing up. With a starring role on MTV's Teen Wolf and the lead role Thomas in the upcoming film Maze Runner, he's set to become a household name and regular heartthrob. This still of him in a henley and mucked up workboots is from the aforementioned dystopian film.

They had me at dystopia and the costume designer reeled me in at henley.

I'm still working away on getting the Bachelor recap up for this week. In the meantime, I wanted to take a moment to pimp out my new blog!

Candice and I have been working on putting this together basically since we came down with One Direction fever back in November. We are stupidly proud of it. It would mean a lot if you check it out and give us a follow.

Love to you all and that recap is coming soon!

Hello and Welcome!

I’m Cassie and the other Moderator here is my best friend forever Candice. We’re just two 26 year-adult women with a crippling obsession with One Direction.

We just wanted to have you in to say welcome and let you know what kinds of things you can expect from us. As fully grown...