I'm Still Working Away On Getting The Bachelor Recap Up For This Week. In The Meantime, I Wanted To Take

Distraction 2012 -

The political climate outside today, right now, like this very second, is...heated, shall we say. Today is the most important day of the year, and it happens to only come around once every four years (like leap year or the olympics, only filled with painful anxiety). It's election day.

And while it is CRAZY IMPORTANT THAT YOU GO OUT AND VOTE, it's also important to keep yourself sane. If you're anything like me, starting right now, you're compulsively refreshing CNN and the New York Times every 10-15 seconds to keep up to the moment.

But this, my friends, is maddening. So I'll be periodically posting videos and pictures and fun things from the internet to keep your mind distracted from the pit of diarrhea-inducing anxiety in your stomach about the results of today's presidential election.

Here is a video of Hank Green (of Vlog Brothers fame. DFTBA, yo) bringing you fascinating information from this past week in Science. SciShow in general is a great rabbit hole of distraction, so feel free to keep clicking around that channel.

PS - I literally shed a few tears when he showed me pictures of the underside of the vampire squid. I cried. I'm definitely distracted knowing that thing is out there...WAITING.

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Hey kids. I can finally deliver to you last week’s Bachelorette recap. Moving is crazy and without internet in the house, things got overwhelming, so I put this on the back burner. But enough with excuses, let’s dive in!

We are just about halfway through Desiree's journey towards love, and hopefully things can only get really, really good from here. This week we finally go abroad-abroad to Munich, Germany. Let's see what kind of shit hits the proverbial fan, shall we?

The dudes are all properly stoked to be in Germany, and who can blame them? I would kill to go to Munich on somebody else’s dime.

I think Chris Harrison fulfills some subconscious fantasy I never knew I had when he greets the men on the main Platz by saying, “Guten Morgen!” This is Desiree’s first time in Europe, more importantly, from Chrarrison we find out that there will be a one-on-one, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one cage match where two men go in and only one comes out! Bring it!

The dudes go nuts in their plush suite. Obviously within seconds one of the meatheads has popped his meaty head out the window to shout “Hello, Munich!” Kasey laboriously recites some poorly worded German to camera.

CHRIS IS GETTING THE ONE-ON-ONE! YAY FOR YOU, CHRIS! Please write poems about it. “In Munich, we can fall in love with each other,” the card says auf Deutsch. Chris just keeps getting better and better, y’all. So cute I can’t handle it. So cute I can forgive him for describing his excitement as being “really jacked”.

Within the first minute of the date, it becomes abundantly clear that Chris speaks zero German, but neither does Des! So they will be acting like the cutest little fluffy bunnies all over Munich with a German phrase book to help.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Bryden is once again expressing his doubts about his feelings. He’s  tells us Desiree is a great girl, but at the end of the day, his feelings for her aren’t progressing like the rest of the guys’. So, in order to save her any emotional duress, Bryden tells James he’s going to go home. Bryden leaves right then and there to interrupt Desiree on her date with Chris to tell her he’s leaving.

He’s going to be interrupting quite the party though. Des and Chris are wandering about, taking pictures with street performers, eating sausage Lady and the Tramp style, trying on dirndls and lederhosen. They are goofballs, and I love it.

In the hotel suite, James has assembled all the remaining men in their MATCHING AMERICAN APPAREL HOODIES to break the news about Bryden leaving. I’m serious. They are all wearing the same American Apparel hoodie, just in different colors. I mean what a perfect time and place to evoke the Von Trapps. They are all stunned at the news. Zak’s crazy eyes grew three sizes that day.

Bryden is wandering the streets asking people if they’ve seen television cameras filming. It’s a pretty good strategy but hilarious in execution. He finally comes upon them in a courtyard where the happy couple is dancing to polka music. The cameras dramatically cut to a shot of Bryden’s face then slash cut to a gargoyle and I laugh and laugh and laugh. A gargoyle is appropriate imagery for breaking up with someone on TV for sure.

Further proving himself to be a really good guy, Bryden calls out to Chris first. He approaches and says, “I’m really sorry to do this to you… But can I just take her for a couple of minutes and bring her right back?” and because Chris is an equally good guy, he’s all “Yeah! Sure!”

To the cameras, Chris reveals that he’s a little confused and concerned about the whole ordeal. It’s ok, boo, things are gonna work out in your favor.

Bryden says to Desiree the same things he told us before, and you can see the sadness fill her eyes. Like Michael G. points out, it’s not like she didn’t know he was having doubts, so hopefully she’s prepared herself. But even preparing yourself mentally never quite gets your heart really prepared to be rejected. Least of all on a show where you are the one supposed to be doing all the rejecting. Des and Bryden leave each other without even a hug good-bye.

Chris is the absolute cutest man who has ever been on this show. I mean it. Cute-wise, there is none cuter than Chris. He wants nothing more than to reassure Desiree that he is there for her 100% and to make her feel better after essentially being dumped mid-date.

Oh wow they are in a dream-date locale. It’s the real Hofbräuhaus, and they have giant steins of beer and just a tree of soft pretzels sitting on their table. If anything can soothe a hurting heart, surely it is an adorable man and warm, salted breads.

After changing into formalwear, Desiree and Chris have dinner in an actual palace. Chris continues to be the cutest, “I don’t have to worry about the other guys in the house! I don’t have to worry about what time I have to go to bed! I don’t have to worry about brushing my teeth! I don’t have to worry about anything!” His childlike excitement about this whole thing is almost contagious, almost.

Chris wrote her a poem on the plane and brought it for her today. It’s called “Thoughts so True” and this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

While I stand there waiting, watching you

Your dress so perfect, you look so cute

You reach for red, a chance you’ll take

But choice is right and your mind is made

While I stand there waiting, my thoughts run free

Thoughts of past relationships, old to me

Girls I used to think were true

All out of mind as I think of you

The plan her’s now, not up to me

Feelings eternal if you choose me

And that absolutely exquisite piece of garbage makes Desiree cry. No one’s ever written a poem for me, crappy or otherwise, so I can’t say how I’d react. And Chris deserves to be mocked forever for that rhyming, sophomoric hilarity, but I still kind of love it. Chris! What are you DOING to me?!

Obviously he gets the date rose. Then there is ANOTHER PRIVATE CONCERT FROM A THIRD RATE MUSICIAN. This time they’ve flown Matt White to Germany. I enjoy his song, and the couple continues being fluffy lil’ bunnies dancing along to it.

Safe from the two-on-one and headed on the group date are Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew, and Mikey. Which means Michael and Ben are on the two-on-one.

“I need to now go and murder Ben,” is what Michael, A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR, says re: his two-on-one date situation. He also makes a couple other lawyer analogies about convicting Ben of being an asshole, but I’m distracted by his poofy hair. They keep cutting to shots of him sans-hair product and it is nothing but pure puff that would make John Green a raging squid of jealousy.

“Will you climb the highest mountain for me?” inquires the date card. Trust, the Sound of Music references the producers are making are not lost on me. The dudes will be goofing around with Desiree at the peak of the highest mountain in Germany. If you thought Juan Pablo looked sexual in cowboy gear, he looks a bajillion times hotter in a snow parka with Ray Bans on. Good. Lord.

And then they try and have Juan Pablo talk about the yodeler and he can’t say yodeler and it’s so precious. Can I just have the Juan Pablo show please? All Juan Pablo, all the time.

Then they all go sledding in state of the art lil sleds. Drew, ever the voice of truth states ,“Des is a badass.” And she is. She’s having as much fun wiping out on her sled as she is sledding. Yeah, girl!

Zak makes the obligatory analogy of the date to the Bachelor process! Someone had to do it, might as well be Crazy Eyes.

They have a snowball fight with the guys being too aggressive with Des like boys on a playground. And to warm up, everybody heads into a snow-hotel. It’s like a hobbit house made of snow in the side of the mountain, and I want to go to there. It is awesome in a primordial, mythical way.

Desiree makes out with Brooks in a side room. Mikey really wants the date rose though. I don’t understand why Mikey is still there. He’s convinced he and Des have chemistry, but I’m not so sure. Compared to the other guys she’s having a “connection” with, I don’t get it with meat-head Mikey.

They build some mini-snowmen which Des eats right up. But cue the devious music, Zak W. comes creeping out with a glass of wine to spy. He then begins to yodel to interrupt their time. He is a complete loon.

YALL. Zak tells us that last time he was in Germany was ten years ago and he made a huge life decision. And now he’s here to make a decision about who he’s going to spend the rest of his life with (which is a bit of putting the cart before ten other horses). HE THEN TELLS DESIREE THAT HE INITIALLY WAS IN SCHOOL TO BECOME A PRIEST. A PRIEST. “WILL YOU ACCEPT THESE ABS” GUY WANTED TO BE A PRIEST. I cannot reconcile these images.

He realized in Germany that priesthood was not the path for him, and he’s hopeful that Germany will lead him to love forever with Desiree. Oof. This guy’s clock is just ticking. There is no way he’s got staying power here. I mean, have y’all seen Drew?

This group date is where the true feelings towards James start to come out. Drew feels that he’s just playing the game. Brooks thinks he acts like two different people. Juan Pablo gives him suspicious eyes whenever he talks. Time will reveal his true colors. But for now, Brooks gets the date rose for being a sweet, sweet clown. James is pissed about it.

The producers found a random street dog to shoot! Ben is preparing for his tension-filled two-on-one by remembering to be a “good Christian man” in response to anything Michael lobs his way.

Michael has convinced himself that Desiree has selected him specifically to expose Ben for the lying, cheat he really is. I don’t think that’s so much the case, Michael. I think the people who’ve watched you blatantly hate him for weeks selected you for this date.

Michael is seriously talking about how he feels that being a lawyer has prepared him for this moment. He uses words like “cross examining” and “impeaching”. Take it easy, Mike. Vicious dude bashing never won fair lady.

Desiree is perfectly aware of how awkward this date will be. She’s using the awkwardness as a litmus test to see who can handle the pressure better. They are in a beautiful lakeside town called Tegernsee. It’s picturesque. They share some coco from a thermos on a park bench (ROMANCE).

As most of you know, I’m doing all this nonsense in public because my internet is down, and I want you to know that I’m watching this date happen from between parted fingers. I look insane, but this date is that awful. Michael is on the war path from the start. And Ben is just boring. It’s not so much that I dislike him; it’s more that he is a NOTHING person. He’s got a son, and he’s from Texas. There is NOTHING more to Ben than the thick layer of slime covering these two facts.

To break the palpable tension, Desiree wants in on the fun she missed out on last season in Lake Louise. The three of them are going to do a Polar Bear Plunge. The dudes are not super jazzed about the prospect. Michael is wearing the belt from his blue fluffy robe as a headband to show he is “quirky” and “fun”.

BUT JK LOLZ THEY AREN’T DOING A PLUNGE! They are going in a “hot tug” which is a little dingy that’s rigged to be a mobile, boat-hot-tub. Kind of cool but the last thing in the world I want to do on a two-on-one is be trapped in a MOBILE HOT TUB BOAT ON A LAKE IN GERMANY.

It is as horrible as you’d imagine. They are involved in a mid-lake pissing contest talking to Des. Then Michael just straight up asks Ben what happened to the mother of his child. Ben is diplomatic I guess, but still slimy.

I will say though that Michael is just interrogating him and basically trolling Ben with statements about his parenting. Desiree is rightfully super duper uncomfortable.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE HOTEL SUITE – the boys are separated into two factions. On one side we have Chicago boys Mikey and James, on the other we have sweet boys Drew, Kasey, Brooks, and Chris (Zak and Juan Pablo are missing in action).

Drew and Kasey essentially hold court in one room of the suite to discuss the dirty, ulterior motives James has for being there, all of which they overheard while pretending to be asleep in a van. At the same time James and Mikey are gooning it up doing things like massaging each other’s faces. No really.

Drew alleges that James suggested they “bring girls out on his boat and have intimate settings out on the water” INTIMATE SETTINGS! Drew says “intimate settings” like the words were made of fire.

James also allegedly said, “I can introduce you to tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money.” And, “I already run Chicago, once everyone knows us we can run the town.” Um, pretty bold statement from an advertising exec when you consider the kind of shit that actually goes down in this city. The kind of people who run this town are NOT the kind of men who go on the Bachelorette. Please.

Drew and Kasey want to present Desiree with this info at the cocktail party tomorrow. They are the Good Guys Club. I’m sure Juan Pablo is on their side.

Back on the two-on-one, the group has dinner in a cozy cabin. Michael decides it’s time to fully interrogate Ben. He calls into question his fathering skills and his faith. Michael is so much on the offensive that it’s very uncomfortable for Des. You can see her try to keep things light, but Michael doesn’t let it go.

Ben gets so infuriated that he excuses himself from the table. He keeps bringing up how hard it is for him to be “a good Christian man”. Ugh shut up Ben.

Desiree scolds Michael for being so intense and persistent, and only then do we see it dawn on Michael that maybe he was a little too much. Des goes outside to check on sulky Benny boy. They are both being such idiots that at this point she doesn’t know if she’ll give out the rose at all. Yes! Please! Be rid of them both!

Once alone in a wine dungeon Michael calmly and sanely tells Desiree some of the more damning evidence against Ben. She also talked with Ben down there but he was boring and said the same stuff about being a dad.

The moment of truth arrives. Desiree picks up the rose and decides to give it to the man she could “see a potential future with” and that man is…MICHAEL! WOW. Wow. This might be one of the first times a Bachelor/ette gets rid of the one that everyone else hates. I’m so proud of her.

Showing himself to be exactly the kind of “good Christian man” he is on the inside Ben storms out saying things like “To hell with him for what he said to me,” and, “F*** this. That was a f***ing poor decision.” COOL, GUY. SO COOL. As soon as he gets in the limo he starts peacocking to try and prove that he isn’t hurt by this. He ends up just coming off as a psycho.

He says stuff like “Be careful who you pick as the next Bachelor. You guys really missed out on Single Dad from Texas….HI, HOLLYWOOD!” and finally, “How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with someone because I DON’T WANT TO WAIT HAAHAHAHAHAHA” Really. He leaves us with maniacal laughter.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony this week is taking place inside a stunningly beautiful palace. It’s insane. It looks like it’s the Beauty and the Beast castle. We are also getting a good fireside chat with the one and only Chrarrison!

Instead of getting to matters of the heart, we talk matters of the mouth. Chrarrison is asking her all about kissing the guys. She says, all very diplomatically, that she would like to kiss Brooks because their relationship is the most developed. Then says that on a purely phsycial level the Zak is a good kisser which GROSS. GROSS. Ugh. I mean I guess we all have preferences but ZAK IS SO GROSS.

As the guys arrive, Good Guys Club are nervous about breaking the news to Des about  James. But lo! Desiree tells Chris that her decision is already made, and that she doesn’t need a cocktail party. Bum! BUM! BUUUUMMMMMM!

It looks like Drew is about to spontaneously combust after Des tells them the news, and James just blurts out, “you look beautiful.” Yeah. What the hell James? Not the time. But Drew, baby, it’ll be ok. Des’ heart will eventually lead her to the right place.

First name out is Zak, then Kasey, then Juan Pablo (THANK GOD), then Drew. So at this point all the Good Guys Club is saved, leaving only James and Mikey. And she calls out…James. Drew looks like he just pooped his pants.

Mikey is a sad goon. Mikey is not the guy for Des, but he’s pretty composed giving his final interview. He will treat some lady like an absolute queen and she will have a palace furnished by his plumbing contracting riches, but for now it’s the end of the road for him.

I cannot wait to watch next week’s episode when we travel to Spain! I will not lie and say I’m most excited that they are bringing JUAN PABLO TO A SPANSIH SPEAKING COUNTRY OLÉ! See you guys for the man-tears festival of pain and lies. Besos.

Until tomorrow, find me at @chasspod and recaps, from now on, go up every Wednesday.

Two Recomendations In One!

I often find myself clicking endlessly through Netflix trying to find something, anything to watch that matches my mood. I love a good documentary as much as the next socially conscious functioning member of society in her mid-twenties, but those can sometimes be so dark and downtrodden. When I’ve just come home from a particularly hard day at work, I don’t really have the peace of mind to watch FORGIVING DR. MENGELE which has been on my queue for two years. It’s in those times that I find myself craving a certain “je ne sais quoi” in viewing: nothing too heavy, but not so light that I lose interest.

Enter Linda Holmes. Who’s that now? That’s Linda Holmes, head writer and editor of NPR’s pop culture blog Monkey See. At least, that’s how she intros herself on the weekly pop culture round table podcast she hosts called POP CULTURE HAPPY HOUR. It’s a terrific cast of characters from NPR Music’s Stephen Thompson, theater and movie critic Trey Graham, and the ever ebullient Glen Weldon who writes about books and comic books for the NPR website. Each week they discuss a few carefully curated topics ranging from current affairs to things like “Pop Culture to which All Children Should Be Exposed”. My favorite part comes at the end of each 45-55 minute episode, however, when they discuss “What is Making You Happy This Week?”, a chance for each contributor to mention something in the zeitgeist that is making them happy in which the listener can also partake.

A few weeks ago Linda Holmes had sent out a few wayward tweets regarding a show called MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES that had come recommended to her. Shortly after, MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES came up as Linda’s choice for what was making her happy that week. Despite having VASTLY different opinions on the most recent HOBBIT film, Linda Holmes has never led me astray in a pop culture recommendation. So when I read the IMDb byline of the show, I knew I had to watch.

It reads: Our lady sleuth sashays through the back lanes and jazz clubs of late 1920's Melbourne, fighting injustice with her pearl-handled pistol and her dagger sharp wit.

What else could you possibly want or need in a TV show? All thirteen episodes of the first of two seasons are streaming on Netflix, so the task isn’t monumental. It’s a costume drama; so even with riveting stories and charisma absolutely bursting through the screen, it’s beautiful to look at. And for me, it is a thrilling look into history in a part of the world I honestly don’t know much about.

There’s romance; there’s murder; there’s fashion; there’s dancing; there’s a pair of communist cab drivers; there’s a lesbian, cross-dressing surgeon; there’s a ladies maid who overcomes her fear of the telephone; there’s intrigue! There’s everything, INCLUDING a dashing, devilishly handsome and masculine police inspector Detective Jack Robinson.

Miss Phryne Fisher is the embodiment of a Roaring Twenties, 20th century woman. I powered through the first six episodes in one day, and then loved it so much that I slowly and deliberately took a full week to watch the remaining seven episodes. I cannot recommend this show highly enough, especially to those of you between television “projects”. If you’ve just finished BREAKING BAD and are about to endeavor upon DEXTER, MISS FISHER’S MURDER MYSTERIES might just be the perfect palate cleanser you’ve been looking for. Or, if you just need thirteen episodes of pure delight, there’s no way you can miss out on this fabulous show.

I would, of course, also be remiss in failing to mention that POP CULTURE HAPPY HOUR has provided pop culture enjoyment in dividends in the three years I've been listening to it. Really wonderful stuff.

I want to hug Lindy West. I want to take Lindy West out to the poshest brunch spot in town. I want to buy Lindy West the baby animal of her choosing. I want to follow Lindy West around with a boom box playing her favorite pump up song and fire a confetti cannon any time she enters a room.

The woman deserves lauding. The message of this article is so important, and should be required reading for all woman because it bears so much truth. I will be the first to stand up and say that I am super-duper guilty of making statements like these. Not only to myself, but out loud and often. Watching other people be in love while you aren't, makes it really easy to try and rationalize and explain things away. But Lindy is pointing out that that is STUPID. It is DUMB, DUMMY!

But she also points out that those times when all that nonsense falls away, and life is just life, and you are just you, are awesome. It is the best life can be, and that's what we should be striving for. And if life is the best it can be, then that's just great. And if a relationship should happen to fall into that along the way? Well, then that's just the cherry on top.

So let's all make a pact as women (men, feel free to join in on this. I'd hate to discriminate affirmations) to slap the negative words out of our faces when we hear/speak them and replace them with positive reinforcements and self-actualizing thoughts!

Ready? GO!

Henley Monday - 

I'm on a different computer today and do not have access to my huge stock file of henleys. And this image is the fruit that googling "celebrities henley" bore. AND SUCH RIPE, RICH FRUIT IT IS!

I'm sorry, do you NOT think Vinn Diesel is awesome? I'm sorry, do you NOT think that wearing aviators and holding a sword at the same time is the coolest thing he could possibly do? I'm sorry, do you think that adding a henley into the mix does not make the most perfect picture of a man of all time? 

If so then there is nothing more I can do for you except let you stew in your own fear that this exact Vinn Diesel will hunt you down for your treachery and foolishness.

Henley Monday - 100TH POST!!!

Friends, brethren, fellow aficionados of men's casual wear, it is with high head and swelling heart that I bring to you the 100th post here on Pop Culture Polar Bear.

For this momentous occasion, I thought long and hard about the pictures I would select and the men I would feature. After much toiling, the only right thing to do was to bring you my top two favorite hunks. Mr. Ryan Gosling and Captain "Chris Evans" America.

Never in the storied history of fashion have two men fully understood and appreciated the full majesty of the henley shirt quite so well as these two. May God continue to bless them in all their endeavors, and may He continue to bless our eyes with the sight of men rocking this timeless piece.

Bonus Ryan Gosling and his dog George!!!

DOUBLE BONUS CAPTAIN AMERICA TUSHIE!!!!!!!

EncycloPETE-ia Holmes - A Guide to His Oeuvre Available Online

Tonight at 12 EST/11 CT The Pete Holmes Show will premiere on TBS, and it is gonna change your life for the better. Pete has been building his empire quietly but steadily for several years now, and he's about to become a household name and your new favorite comedian. And anyone who has had a conversation with me that lasted more than two minutes in the past four months can vouch that I literally will not shut up about how much I love Pete Holmes. There's a good chance that I am the biggest Pete Holmes proselytizer who isn't Old Petey Pants himself.

Which brings us to this: The Encylopaedia of Pete Holmes’ work, which I have personally curated for you to get maximum delight from the Harbinger of Joy himself: Pete Holmes.

http://www.youtube.com/user/peteholmes?feature=watch

Pete’s  YouTube channel is now also his official channel for THE PETE HOLMES SHOW. It not only has the more recent sketches they’ve been doing for promos, but it’s also full of various stand up clips, appearances on Conan, and other odds and ends.  I would highly recommend watching his most recent interview on Conan and the full “Batman vs. Superman” sketch to get a good feel for his overall sense of humor and sensibility. Also on YouTube, I recommend this video HYPERLINK HERE in which his good buddy (and writer on TPHS) Chris Thayer interviews Pete after both having eaten whole habanero peppers.

http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/news/inside-the-pete-holmes-show-20131028

This Rolling Stone article is a good overview of how Pete plans to differentiate his late night show from all the others, and shows his overall bonhomie to fellow comedians and late-night hosts.

http://www.laughspin.com/2013/10/24/the-very-thorough-laughspin-interview-with-pete-holmes/

True to its title, this LaughSpin article is “very thorough” but it’s great that way. Pete’s podcast is always very thorough and this interviewer does a good job getting weird with Pete. It discusses a little more how Pete got to this place and his feelings about starting this huge new chapter.

http://instagram.com/peteholmes#

Pete’s Instagram is  filled with behind the scenes pics from the show as well as fun weird stuff he sees around that makes him laugh like a braying donkey with a megaphone.

https://twitter.com/peteholmes

You need to follow him on twitter not only to keep yourself completely up to date with all of his professional doings but also because he knows how to use the form effectively with his own voice and that is fun, friends. Especially whenever Chelsea Peretti (@chelseavperetti), one of Pete’s real life best friends, gets involved.

https://vine.co/v/hdjXjFL7OBh

Pete’s Vine might actually be my favorite little piece of the Holmes Oeuvre. It is perfectly suited to his sense of humor and personality. It’s so infectiously happy that recently on vacation, my sister and I spent hours going back through almost every one of Pete’s Vines. We then proceeded to drive our Mother to the very brink of insanity as we sang his little Vine songs in a real life loop. This “Banana Sings” Vine has actually gone viral and for good reason. It is perfection.

http://www.nerdist.com/podcast/you-made-it-weird/

You Made it Weird is Pete’s podcast that falls under the Nerdist group of podcasts. With each guest, Pete sits down to have an in depth interview, often times with both the guest and host sharing about their lives in a vulnerable, accessible, and gut bustingly hilarious way. There are episodes where you truly laugh and then cry and then cry while laughing. Pete’s friendly charisma sets up a real space of trust so that the guests feel comfortable sharing everything from the story of losing their virginity to almost getting killed in an abandoned haunted mansion. The latter actually happened on the Chris Gethard episode which has been one of my favorites.  It gets weird in a lot of ways, not least of which when Chris shares something personal about his career that could’ve derailed a different interview but manages to be a really poignant moment on YMIW.

“Impregnated with Wonder” and “Nice Try, the Devil”

Both of Pete Holmes’ hour-long albums are available on Spotify streaming for FREE right now. They are also available for video download for the low, low price of $5 on Comedy Central’s website. Both albums are terrific and great to listen to, but so much of comedy is in Pete’s facial expressions and physical humor, that if, at this point, you’re convinced that you love Pete Holmes, the video downloads are really worth it. Plus you then have them to force your friends to watch when they tell you they don’t really know who he is.

http://peteholmes.com/

And yes, of course Pete has a website that has all the things I just laid out for you in one helpful spot should you for any reason forget the link to this post. It’s not quite as fun without my sparkling curatorial commentary, but it really gets the job done with extra and updated info for tour dates and new guests on the show.

That wraps up the EncyloPETEia. I really hope you put it to good use, namely making yourself a happier person. I’m genuinely thankful that Pete Holmes is a comedian and that it is 2013 where I have 100% FREE access to so much of his comedy. My final hope is that you will join me tonight, and every weeknight hence, glued to your TV after Conan watching THE PETE HOLMES SHOW flourish and succeed and become a much beloved late night show. Pete is the late night host we deserve, not the one we think we need.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

        By the tropical citrus flavored liqueur colored waters of Curaçao (Click the link. Educate yourself. It's the least I can do for encouraging this weekly drivel) is where we will live out the rest of our long day’s journey into love. It is all Dutch Caribbean and beautiful as Emily arrives for the toughest decision of her life.

                  Now this is the episode during which normally there would be a fantasy suite date. I have heard tell from various sources however that Emily requested there be no fantasy suite. I respect this choice as she is aware that this show is something that her daughter will one day see. These are only rumors though, so we’ll see what happens.

Once again, we start the episode with a little montage and voice over of Emily wrapping up each relationship just in case you haven’t been paying close enough attention for the last two months.

Sean is an all American sweetheart stud. Jef is an “edgy”, caring, calm voiced Elf King. And Arie…sweet Arie, is something special. Emily actually gets a little teary eyed talking about just how wonderful Arie is and how much she feels for him. My money is on him for taking the whole thing home.

           But along the perfect blue Curacao waters, Emily worries. She worries about making the right choice, and she worries about hurting people’s feelings. We can see that the emotional breakdown is imminent as a tough decision is ahead of her.

The first date is with Sean who appears in blue toms, a blue v-neck, and what I’ll call neon coral shorts. So cute. I love a man confident enough to wear bold colors. There’s finally a helicopter ride! This season has been especially lacking in the helicopter department, and I was beginning to worry none of these guys would get to squeal over the prospect of floating over scenic places in awkward headsets.

The thing about Sean is that he is a perfect guy. His family is perfect. His face is perfect. Lord knows his body is perfect. He is the nicest guy imaginable, but I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for Emily. Everything about him is perfect, but there isn’t that apparent electricity between them like with her and Arie or Jef.

     He has been skirting around telling Emily he loves her for like the whole entire private island date. And she finally says, “Sometimes you’re a little hard to read,” and he painstakingly and awkwardly manages to NOT tell her he loves her!

He then points out the snorkel gear, so they do a gentle strip tease to go snorkeling. They make out in the sunset waters. Come on, Sean! Get it together! Tell her you love her!

On a personal note, the fact that he has a little ginger in him makes him all the more attractive to me. Because, Fun Fact about Cassie: I love gingers most of all. I think this is probably my service to humanity because they need all the love they can get.

HENLEY ALERT! Sean is wearing a henley for the romantic beach date! Oh that’s the best of all possible worlds. Emily is hopeful that during this romantic dinner that “she planned”, he will finally open up to her.

    Oy, for the love of poodles with the number of letters these guys write. Sean has written Ricki a letter of love as an introduction and reads it. It’s very formulaic, but dammit, he gets choked up and so do I. He also has super neat handwriting.

Sean has, at this point, managed to say everything he possibly can to Emily about his feelings for her except “I love you.” It’s amazing actually. In the words or Ron Burgundy, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.  He FINALLY get’s out, “I have fallen in love with you, and I know it without a shadow of a doubt.” The guy might be slower moving, and that’s fine IRL. But this is the Bachelorette, yo! The faster you declare your “feelings of love” the better!

Oh shite, y’all. I was totally wrong. There are fantasy suites! Sean is very gentlemanly about accepting it under the terms of staying up late and talking and cuddling with “no distractions.” The suite has a tiny private pool. I want that. I would also like a tiny private pool with a sexy shirtless, slightly ginger, part time fitness model from Texas in it. Thanks.

    The door to the suite opens, and Sean takes off for the night. Emily makes her statement that as a mom and role model, Sean staying over wouldn’t line up with what she believes in. Good call, Em. So I guess that means I was partially right about the fantasy suite rumors.

Jef, Jef, Jef, Jiffy-Jef-Jef! JEF TIME!!! They are goin’ on a boat ride, and it looks really fun and cool! Jef is also thrilled, and they manage to have a good conversation despite the incessant wind blowing. He tells her that his parents ended up hearing great things about her and that they want to meet her! Yay for their hard-won approval.

    A;dsjflajdsfjlasljfrweurowrndkjvnioe Sorry guys. I just temporarily died because of the things that Jef says about hoping to be the second best thing in Emily’s life to Ricki and hoping he can be that man for her and I DIED. I’M DEAD. BYE, EVERYONE. He describes their relationship as a masterpiece painting that he couldn’t make out at first, but now sees the beauty before him. He broke me. Ouewljjfadsjlfaljdsf

They jump off the boat and Jef paddles boards them to shore so they can cliff jump. He makes her feel adventurous which is really special since she’s not that way on her own. She just glows around him, and you can see the love. Before we cut to commercial they put in a shot of a pelican landing on a rock. Thanks for that producers. Really.

The wee sequined cocktail dress Emily wears to dinner is a beauteous creation. I want it, but I bet it cost about a million dollars. Jef has come with the hard hitting “post-show” questions.

     Where would they live? Emily is open moving to Utah or moving to wherever Jef is.

Why haven’t any relationships in Emily’s past worked? Because she hasn’t had that indescribable spark with anyone she’s dated like she does with Jef. He ignites a self-confidence in her. Awwwwwwww.

Why hasn’t it worked out for Jef? He “hasn’t been able to see the end goal” up until Emily. He’s crazy about Emily and can’t imagine two people more perfect for each other.

Emily tells Jef that she can picture him in her everyday life with Ricki. That’s pretty huge that he’s the guy who comes to mind when she thinks of a father figure for Ricki. As well all know, this thing is just as much about Ricki as it is about Emily.

Jef waddles around the Fantasy Suite question, and says that his family, her daughter and her family would all be watching, and that “there’s a time and a place”. He’s so respectful and such a gentleman, so Emily proposes that they just hang out for a few more hours.

  Their suite is like a beautiful tree house, and as they make-out, Jef voices over that they need to “bridle their passions” and then I laughed forever. Is he an 80 year old pastor from the South in 1930?!?! BRIDLE THEIR PASSIONS?!

Look out everybody, Arie incoming. Emily is on yet another boat waiting for this lovely man. He wants her hand in marriage real bad.

Is it shocking that they make out on the boat first thing, and it’s real intense? Is that a thing that would surprise you? Would it also surprise you to know they make out for the majority of the boat ride?

    Dolphins! They are going swimming with dolphins in the wild! Emily is a little freaked out, but Arie’s confidence and protecting hand makes her feel more comfortable around the coolest animals. Back on the boat, they talk about the highlights of their relationship together. All their favorite moments involve kissing. Could this be a red flag that all they have is something physical? She worries she won’t be able to turn him away from the fantasy suite.

Emily’s wardrobe this episode has been even better than her already amazing wardrobe the whole season. Sheesh! This girl’s stylist is fantastic. So is Arie’s style because we have yet another Henley. Henleys for the win, everyone. Henleys for the win.

     At dinner, Emily grills Arie to reveal more about who he is on a day-to-day basis. She wants to make sure they have something to go on outside of physical attraction. He talks about a typical Tuesday, and what life would be like at the end of the show. She laughs at him pityingly when he says he gets up at 9:30. Bringing Ricki into the equation is important, and Arie takes it upon himself to prove how ready he is to be a father.

Emily tears up talking about how much thought Arie has put into the Ricki part of the equation, and how he’d gain Ricki’s trust, respect, and eventually love. His answer about winning her friendship first was A++, gold stars, 110%.

As a role model and mother, Emily knows that she would just climb Arie like a tree if she had the chance to be alone with him. She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card because she doesn’t trust herself enough. This is a bummer; she is really sad about it. The kisses they share on the balcony, however, manage to be really, really steamy. She probably made the right call; Chrarrison might have to show up to hose them down.

   I can’t express to you how much I want the silver paillette floor length skirt Emily is wearing for the rose ceremony. It drapes down her body like the proverbial silver lining to a cloud. She and Chrarrison have their gab session, the best times on the show. He brings up her fear of making the wrong decision, and she is confused.

She is unclear as to what to do. Emily has such strong feelings for each guy and sees the whole-picture with each of them. This week is the toughest decision for her yet and you can see how upset and confused she really is. Chrarrison is not helping by pushing the subject.

    Holy feelings and difficult emotions, batman. Each of the three men has left a video message for Emily to say how much they care about her. It’s like their final pleas. Emily breaks down as Chris tells her because she feels so bad about breaking hearts.

Uh-oh. Sean’s starts and he’s kind of yelling at the camera like he’s unaware that he has a mic-pack on. He is head-over heels in love with Emily. He is sweet, but doesn’t delve deep enough for me.

Jef says journey. He is calm, cool, and collected. He is in love. He opens up and promises to defend and protect her and keep her cheeks sore from laughter. He is dressed so well. I can feel myself fraying at the seams.

Arie mentions the word Dollywood in his speech and endears himself to me. He proclaims that his heart is always racing towards her (see what he did there?). His passion comes through even when talking to a lifeless camera as if it were his beloved.

As the messages end, tears are streaming down Emily’s face. She is crying and trying so hard to hold it together to not actually sob. She is scared of the decision she has to make and knows that she’s hurting them so much at the same time.

    We need Emily to rip this Band-Aid off. I need her to make the cut so I can breathe easy. Come on, Em! Let’s go!

I practically puke in the pregnant pause Emily gives before calling Jef first. This is great, but I’m freaking out. I think she might end it with Arie….BUT SHE DOESN’T. I heave a huge sigh of relief, but I also want to cry for Sean. He is so pretty and so kind and so hurt. Emily can’t even look at him she hurts so much for what she did.

   They sit down and he is deflated like a sad golden retriever puppy. The thing is though, his muscles are practically popping out of his shirt as he sits there crying, so…he’s going to be just fine. He’d be a great candidate for the Bachelor. My heart breaks for this guy, but his butt looks really good getting into his getaway car. I want to hold him. Poor puppy. “Honestly, when she walked out tonight I thought ‘there’s my wife,’” and my soul shatters.  He will make a great Bachelor, methinks. You got this, Sean-28!

In the worst transition ever, we get the preview for the Men Tell All! HOLY MEN TELL ALL! Chris the childish dupa, Ryan the turd in turquoise shoes, and Kalon the DouchNugget with a Napoleon complex will all be there to dish!  And then in the final episode, there is confusion and tears and a possible non-happy ending! They are hinting that Emily might not make a choice at all…could this end with heartbreak for everbody? Oh, journeyers, I can hardly wait to find out. Counting the days till we connect again!

   WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!

Henley Monday -

What are you doing on Tumblr?! It's time to focus up and get that Christmas shopping done! You've got just a little over a week to go and time is running out for those free shipping offers to get delivered by Christmas. Not to be such the Christmas Angel of Commercialism, but really, I'm starting to panic for the one or two people left in my life for whom I have no gift, and worse yet, not even an idea for a gift.

Ok so maybe with all the holiday stress, you and I both deserve a little down time to gaze upon the majestic form of Matt Damon looking really, really trim and cut and upside-down-triangle-y. Those balloons just made him giggle in delight and now I'm beginning to calm down a little.

Henley Monday - Early Edition

Last week I was on vacation, and thus could not bring you your regular dose of henley. To make up for it, I'm posting twice today. That's right TWO pics of two DIFFERENT famous people wearing the greatest single piece of menswear.

Say hello to our friend Andrew Garfield as he leans close to you, now closer, and a little closer. He just wants to be near to you, and you just want to stare into his deep brown eyes and maybe hang around long enough that Emma Stone shows up, because as beautiful as he is you would never want to break up such a perfect couple who clearly have the most fun in the history of fun and you'd just want to be around those high levels of charm in hopes that it's contagious and eventually convince them to engage in some sort of sister-girlfriends situation.

Andrew Garfield also wins for having sky-high poofy hair that based on my scientific research MUST smell like the Elysian Fields after a light spring rain.