Saiki Kusuo/hp Crossover Where Saiki Is Reincarnated As Harry Potter With All His Memories Intact, And

saiki kusuo/hp crossover where saiki is reincarnated as harry potter with all his memories intact, and the “power the Dark Lord knows not” is just saiki’s ungodly arsenal of psychic powers. 

points: 

the dursleys are the worst kind of bullshit saiki has ever seen, and saiki either a) puts an end to it within the first few days, or b) just straight up leaves, no one finds him until he’s twelve and it’s time for him to attend hogwarts 

“you have been accepted into the hogwarts school of w–” [saiki incinerates the letter in his hand and goes back to reading his book] 

saiki’s greatest ambition in life is to live a perfectly normal, unassuming, peaceful, boring life. an ambition so great it immediately lands him in slytherin. 

saiki finds himself saddled with every awful “chosen one” trope that has ever graced the earth. he thought being the protagonist of a gag manga was bad but this is worse

this is so much worse, he can’t even play along with the narrative anymore. he is going to turn this into a comedy if it kills him

saiki surreptitiously solving the problems of everyone around him. finding neville’s toad. making sure people’s potions don’t explode. dragging draco malfoy’s broom back down to earth when he tries to show off during the first broom riding class. saiki is not going to tolerate any bullshit and he most certainly is not going to tolerate anyone trying to go into the third floor corridor

and you know what, since quirrell and voldemort are apparently sharing a body (which – how, actually, it’s so disgusting he doesn’t want to know–) he might as well take care of the problem within the first week of school 

voldemort shows up again second year. WHAT THE FUCVK

all of his dorm mates are intolerable, and saiki very quickly figures out a system where he will pretend to go to sleep in his dorm, but then he just teleports to an unused hufflepuff dorm and enjoys himself greatly on his own. a triumph. a triumph slightly ruined by the house elves knowing he’s there, but a triumph nonetheless. 

“but it’s impossible to apparate within the hogwarts castle!!” saiki stares hermione dead in the eye and then teleports anyways 

saiki is very carefully mediocre in every single one of his classes in an attempt to kill any notoriety that comes along with the name “harry potter.” except potions class, because snape always gives him a far worse grade than he deserves and saiki is a mean and spiteful soul. saiki makes a point to be the best god damn potions student that snape has ever had

fred & george weasley catch saiki doing something ridiculous with his powers, and they’ve been bothering saiki ever since. saiki is full of regret 

fourth yr: saiki stays far far far away from the triwizard tournament. he is perfectly happy when cedric is elected, and claps enthusiastically. the goblet of fire turns blue. it spits out his name. saiki is so furious the goblet of fire cracks in half 

but the most important part of this au is 

saiki with a wand 

he doesn’t even need a wand he’s just pretending to use it 

someone: augh, this levitating charm is so difficult! how does anyone do it?! saiki: 

this au is 9x better if you imagine that saiki doesn’t even have magic powers – he just has psychic powers, and he’s very good at pretending he has magic. except transfiguration, everyone thinks he’s a bad student cause he has never done a transfiguration spell in his life – but hermione is convinced he’s some kind of secret genius at wandless magic because she caught him levitating a book to himself in the library once. saiki has deliberately failed every magic task appointed to him in front of her since. hermione is convinced saiki is spiting is spiting her specifically by not doing well in class. she’s right 

EVEN MORE HILARIOUS TO CONSIDER: saiki doesn’t even bother pretending he has magic, he just shows up to hogwarts and never says anything and never talks to anyone else, he turns in impeccable classwork and homework, but he never performs a single spell because he doesn’t see the point. it gets to the point where the teachers are genuinely worried he might be…. perhaps… a squib? is he a squib? 

saiki figures it would be really troublesome to let this go on any longer, but he is also extremely against saying anything out loud ever, and he is also extremely against showing any wordless or wandless magic because who knows what kind of attention he’ll get then 

cue incident in class where a student’s spell goes wrong, badly, and everything is in chaos, and saiki is so tired he decides, fuck it, he does not want to deal with this today, and he uses his psychokinesis to forcibly subdue everything that is going wrong. he’s in the corner of the classroom, so he thinks he’s safe & no one will notice – but nope. professor flitwick noticed. professor flitwick is staring at him with starry eyes. god damn it 

saiki briefly considers erasing flitwick’s memory of the event, but, well, if flitwick tells the other teachers about what he saw then no one will wonder if saiki is a squib anymore. probably. 

but you know what would be great? if everyone thought saiki was a squib and he got fucking chosen by the goblet of fire. everyone riots 

there are so many good things that could happen when you combine saiki’s deadpan self + sheer OP ability with the entire ridiculous hp universe and i love it