Which Way Is Your Heart Leaning? I Just Buried The Last Person Who Truly Knew Me.

The reason I stay up late is because I don’t want my free time to end and tomorrow to start

The Avengers (2012)

Saudade

↳ pairing: lee suho x reader

↳ synopsis: this is the third installment following philophobia and metanoia. after years of being away from your soulmate, you finally begin to believe that you have a chance at a normal life. but you learn that fate is never that simple or kind.

↳ warnings: language, alcohol consumption (nothing too crazy), ANGST you guys know what it is, a pinch of fluff

— note: sorry this took so long! i hope you guys enjoy the final part!

Fate was something you would never be able to truly understand. It was something so complex, yet at the same time so astoundingly simple.

When you were younger, you always believed fate to be a benign concept that could only lead to happiness. The day you lost sight of your string, you belatedly realized that all your preconceived notions were nothing more than delusions born from the idealized world the people around you had constructed.

Perhaps the cognizance would’ve been easier to deal with had you not been forced to move to a city that was constantly embraced by a daunting aura, one that didn’t allow you to properly heal from your internal wounds. Looking back on it, the trepidation might’ve had something to do with the fact that Seoul was the city where you would be forced to confront your destiny—the same fate that had disappointed you time and time again.

And therein lied the reason why being back felt like a surreal dream.

Every memory that came with walking down the busy streets overwhelmed you. After all this time, you still found yourself powerless to the retention of the time in your life where you felt the most miserable. Years had passed since then, but being back at the start of it all had you faltering in a way you thought would be impossible after your treatment.

There was a sudden heaviness in your chest and feet as you neared your destination. You allowed yourself to stare at the large building with muted dejection. This was the last place you were willing to revisit, but you were aware that never returning wasn’t a viable option. Not after you agreed to work through your condition without any restraint.

You instinctually forced yourself to shove all of your unwanted emotions into the dark place of your mind that was rarely visited before heading into the large building. By this point, you’ve become overly familiar with the place; a token of your dedication to get better. In spite of the fact that you were no stranger to the setting, an unbearable feeling of discomfort overcame you in that moment. You were undeterred by this sudden shift in your emotions and forced your feet to carry you to the elevator.

You pressed the button to the top floor, briefly recalling the days when you only had to go to the fifth floor. How time flies.

The second you stepped off the elevator, you noticed a young woman waiting to greet you. She led you to the large office, knocking once before letting her boss know you had arrived. You heard a familiar voice urging her to let you in.

The doctor’s new office was twice the size of his old one—a luxury he never would’ve had without your help. Being in his office reminded you of the point in time when you were adamant about not helping him with his research. Now, helping Dr. Kwon study the enigmatic soulmate bond was the very thing you had dedicated your life to. A true irony, really.

“Y/N.” Your name was spoken fondly and with a friendly smile. “It’s been a long time since we’ve met like this. How does it feel to be back in Seoul?”

Dr. Kwon’s words made you think about how long it had been despite the fact that it felt like you left the city only yesterday. You hadn’t been able to visit him personally since you left the rehabilitation center and started working with other patients to further his research, but you never imagined that being in front of him after all this time would feel as harrowing as it did. Deep down, you knew it was only because of the torturous memories you subconsciously associated with him. Luckily for you, those memories no longer forced you into a debilitating state—a development you had worked hard to achieve.

With that thought in mind, you set the report on the doctor’s desk while murmuring a noncommittal response to his inquiry. “There aren’t any new side effects.”

Your distant response made Dr. Kwon frown. Many years had passed since you two met, yet that did nothing to help erase the line you drew all those years ago. It wasn’t unusual for his patients (you, in particular) to unconsciously project their internalized trauma onto the people in their lives, but he couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed with your behavior.

“Tell me about what’s been going on with you.” Dr. Kwon prodded gently. “Have you been seeing anyone?”

The doctor’s biggest hope was to successfully help you get past your philophobia so you could finally start living normally. However, even after all these years you still didn’t allow yourself to get close to anyone romantically in spite of knowing no one could ever hurt you as badly as your soulmate had.

“I’ve lessened my dose like you suggested.” You told him even though you knew he would read it in the report after you left.

“That…” Dr. Kwon’s smile faltered, but only for a second. “That’s great. If you aren’t experiencing any side effects or withdrawal-like symptoms, I think we can start drafting a plan for you to stop taking the suppressants altogether.”

Those words caught your interest. To be able to live normally without the help of the suppressants was something you had longed for since you started your treatment back when you were a teenager.

“Will I really be able to?”

Dr. Kwon didn’t miss the spark in your eyes as you gazed at him. It made him confident that he could potentially help you live happily like you always wanted. He would never give up his mission to help you get better, and this was the first step to achieve that goal.

“If you don’t mind staying in Seoul a bit longer.” He said simply. “This way, I’ll be able to monitor you more closely and decide how soon you can stop taking the suppressants.”

You had no intentions of extending your stay, but you would do anything to be free from the chains that came in the form of medicine. And so, you eagerly agreed.

Often times, you were thrown into situations before you realized it.

When you coincidentally ran into Soo-ah, you didn’t expect her to invite you to come out with her and a handful of your former classmates. You had meant to politely decline her invitation, but instead you found yourself asking her who would be in attendance before you could stop yourself. She listed off names you could vaguely recall, but just barely. There was no mention of him.

And so, you ended up drinking with people who you didn’t know that well and vice versa. You weren’t uncomfortable per se, but there was a pressure building in your chest that you couldn’t make sense of. Luckily, the alcohol helped you forget about the foreign sensation as well as the other strident thoughts that had been on your mind.

It wasn’t until you stumbled out of the place that the real trouble began.

You had taken all of two steps, but came to an abrupt stop after you heard a quiet yet forceful call of your name. Han Seojun was walking toward you with a strange look in his eyes. In that instant, you knew that whatever was coming next wouldn’t be pleasant.

“How long are you planning on staying in Seoul?”

His question threw you off. Seojun was someone you could hardly call a friend, and you were certain that wouldn’t change with time. Despite not liking the premonition that came along with his words, you answered him anyway.

“Not long.” You told him truthfully. “I have some work related things to take care of, then I’m leaving.”

Seojun remained silent as if in deep thought, and you assumed he was done with the conversation. But as you turned on your heel to walk away, he called out to you again. This time, the tension in his tone made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

“About Lee Suho…”

You tensed instantly. Just the simple mention of his name awoke feelings in you that you thought you’d gotten rid of a long time ago. Instead of reacting in a way that would give away your true emotions, you turned your head slightly to look at him. Seojun could only see half of your face, but it was enough for him to hope that you might still care about his friend.

“He’s missed you. Even though he’s living abroad right now, he still—”

“I have to go.” You interrupted him, unwilling to hear the rest of his tirade. “I’ll see you around.”

Back then, you had no idea it was only the beginning of fate’s cruel plan.

People often said fate was something that you made yourself—something that wasn’t predetermined but something that was subject to change depending on the course of action taken. You weren’t so sure if that was true because more often than not, you found that the course of your life was filled with trials and tribulations that were completely out of your control. These painful events (as your mother and countless therapists said) were meant to build character. In your case, they just hurt.

However, now that you were older, you were starting to understand what people meant.

After all, it was you who decided to remove yourself from the situation and distance yourself from your soulmate. It was you who made the effort to get better and build a new life for yourself. That had to count for something.

You had come this far, and that in itself was a notable achievement. Soon enough, you would no longer be dependent on the supplements Dr. Kwon developed soon after you came into his care. It wouldn’t be long before you would be free to live your life without any restraints.

That thought alone made you appreciate the view that much more. Snow was falling lightly, but it didn’t take away from the calmness you felt. Nothing could kill the high you were on. Finally, everything seemed to be falling into place. The peaceful life you always yearned for was within your reach, ready to be taken.

“Y/N.”

There was a sudden heaviness in your chest and feet after you heard your name. Every single hair on your body stood up at the sound of an eerily familiar voice calling your name, a voice that you wouldn’t be able to forget in a million years. Hesitantly and very slowly, you turned around only to come face-to-face with the one person you hoped to never see again.

The mere sight of him evoked a jagged feeling from your chest that you were very familiar with. It was no longer as intense as it once was—a curtesy of the supplements you were taking. However, you weren’t numb to the dull ache seeing your soulmate caused.

Suho’s face crumpled instantly at the sight of your watery eyes. The glistening tears in your eyes could’ve easily been mistaken for previous crystals from how brightly they were shining. He reached forward and cupped your frozen face, barely able to contain the emotions swirling in his chest.

You flinched away from his touch, realizing that all the effort you made up until this point was in vain. The ache in your pounding heart reminded you that no drug in the world could be strong enough to completely detach you from all the emotions your soulmate provoked.

“I’ve missed you.”

There was a sincerity to his words that might’ve moved you at one point in time, but now his words only left a sick feeling in your stomach. This could have been due to the suppressants, or perhaps the result of being away from him for so long. Either way, the affection Suho was displaying was something you no longer wanted or needed.

“Why?” Your voice was quiet as a single tear fell from your eye. “You rejected me.”

Unlike before, Suho’s expressions were completely transparent. His wounded eyes almost had you regretting your blunt words. Almost.

Not being able to withstand the sight of his pained expression any longer, you turned around and ran.

It was a well-known fact that the string of fate pulled soulmates closer and closer until the two souls were eventually brought together. Trying to resist the tug was practically impossible and, in most cases, futile. You were no exception to this natural contingency despite taking every possible measure you could to fight it. Eventually, you learned that fate wasn’t something that could actively or easily be avoided.

That’s why it wasn’t too surprising when you crossed paths with Suho so soon after you saw him the other night at the bridge. Whether it was coincidental or not, the strength of the bond was enough to soothe the initial irritation you felt at seeing your soulmate. Perhaps the power of the pull was what made you accept the invitation to have a meal with him, or maybe it was out of the need to prove to yourself that Suho could no longer affect you in the intense way that he used to.

The restaurant wasn’t anything grand, but they did serve alcohol which was perfect for you because you weren’t sure you could sit through a meal with the person who broke your heart while being completely sober. You didn’t hesitate to start drinking before the waiter brought your food out.

“So,” Suho cleared his throat as he saw you down a shot with concern. “How have you been?”

It was a loaded question that almost made you angry because how did he think you had been? Undergoing treatment wasn’t anything easy, and it definitely wasn’t pleasant. But you couldn’t bring yourself to spit out your poisonous thoughts. If you agreed to join him it was because you were better now (and to potentially expand on your research). You couldn’t let all your hard work go to waste because of his sudden reappearance and your petty need to make him feel the same way you had all those years ago.

Suho saw you hesitate, and for a moment he was worried that the resentment you seemed to feel for him would keep him from getting closer to you. He felt extremely relieved when you answered him politely, seemingly not too caught up with rehashing the past.

“You actually worked with the Dr. Kwon?” Suho was in awe.

“I still do.” You told with a nod. “I’m the one who helped him develop the suppressant for the soulmate bond.”

Your comment wasn’t malicious, but Suho felt his chest tighten uncomfortably. The drug you helped develop was worldwide famous as it was the first of its kind. He had read about all of its effects and how it was life changing for people who had been rejected by their soulmates. People like you.

When you saw the look on Suho’s face, you let out a dry, humorless laugh. “I’m taking them, if that’s what you wanted to know.”

There was an awkward pause, and you weren’t sure why everything had become so tense all of a sudden. Suho should’ve guessed that you were taking the suppressants because of the fact that you were still alive. Without those drugs, you would’ve died a long time ago. It would’ve been easy enough to tell him that, but something restrained you from doing so.

“So… you don’t feel anything now that you’re with me?”

That wasn’t exactly true. A suppressant was different from a blocker, and even modern medicine wasn’t advanced enough to stop all the effects caused by the soulmate bond. However, you didn’t tell Suho any of that. It was petty, but there was still that part of you that was unwilling to let him off so easily.

“Not really. I feel the like I’m spending time with any other person.” You lied.

Suho felt a sharp pain strike his chest. The throbbing was painful, but all he could focus on was your cold expression. There was no trace of resentment or love or anything. Just a blank canvas that he was unable to fill.

After a beat of silence, you spoke up, unable to stand the discomfort that suddenly consumed you. “I’m sorry about your dad. It must’ve been hard for you.”

Your words caught Suho by surprise. He wasn’t sure how you knew that his dad had been in the hospital while he was abroad, but it hardly mattered. The knot in his chest loosened when he saw your earnest expression. Your empathy was just that, but to Suho it meant the world. It touched him deeply that despite all the pain he had put you through, you didn’t hate him enough to rejoice in his misfortune.

“He’s better now. That’s part of the reason why I came back.”

You didn’t need to hear the other part because you knew what it was, and you weren’t ready for him to vocalize it. Dr. Kwon would be proud.

Suho seemed to realize you were uncomfortable and quickly changed the subject. “How has it been helping Dr. Kwon with his research?”

“Healing.” You told him without thinking. “It helped me get better, and now I’m one step closer to living a normal life like everyone else.”

A sudden pain struck Suho in the chest. Your smiling face managed to soothe some of the sting, but not fully. He would never be able to truly forgive himself for what he did to you. It was his fault you hadn’t been able to finish off high school like everyone else. He was the reason you hadn’t been able to live like any other person who found their soulmate. But somehow Suho pushed down those feelings of painful regret and smiled back at you.

“That’s great, Y/N.” He managed to say through the pain he felt. “I’m… I’m really happy for you.”

Seeing Suho was starting to become a regular occurrence. He was insistent on spending time with you even though you weren’t always welcoming of his company. Recently, he had started to walk you to work. There were times where his actions moved you and times where his actions irritated you. It was usually the latter, but this time you couldn’t be angry or annoyed. Not when it was clear that something was wrong. The moment you laid eyes on Suho, an uncomfortable feeling pinched at your stomach only for it to die down and completely disappear within the next second.

“Hey, are you okay?” You asked, unable to hide the worry in your voice.

Suho caught the emotion in your tone and faintly smiled. “Are you worried about me?”

The contrast in his behavior always threw you off. He wasn’t acting like the person you remembered, and you never knew what to make of his perplexing behavior. Was this really the person you met back in high school? It didn’t seem like it. There was a subtle jerk in your chest, almost as if the emotions being repressed by your medicine were clawing to get out. You frowned at the feeling.

“Have you looked in the mirror today?” You ignored his question. “You don’t look okay.”

Suho shrugged off your words. Instead he told you to have a good day and to not overwork yourself. That was another thing you couldn’t understand. Suho followed you everywhere, except your workplace. You weren’t sure why he had an apparent aversion to the building you currently worked in, but you didn’t dwell on it. Having a place you were able to escape to made you forget all about his abnormal behavior. Well, not entirely.

It was difficult not to think about the situation you had found yourself in. You didn’t know exactly what to call this… relationship between you two, but it felt like you were in a sort of limbo state. It was alarming and potentially problematic because recovery was something that was well within your grasp, and you weren’t sure if Suho was hindering you from finally grabbing what you worked so hard to achieve.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Perhaps not telling Dr. Kwon that your soulmate was back and regularly seeing you wasn’t the wisest decision, but you were sure he would have canceled his plan to take you off the suppressants if you had told him the truth. You kept your cool expression in tact, not willing to give yourself away.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dr. Kwon frowned. You hadn’t so much as looked up from the paperwork in front of you, but he wouldn’t let you get away from his question so easily. Not when it was about life or death.

“I’m talking about the fact that a man named Han Seojun came in here asking about a consultation for his friend, Lee Suho.”

The shift in your eyes was immediate. You couldn’t hide the emotion on your face as you looked over at Dr. Kwon. He was looking at you with a somber expression, waiting for your explanation. But you couldn’t be concerned with that because there was a sinking feeling in your stomach that wasn’t allowing you to think straight.

“Han Seojun managed to get him in here for a check up.” The doctor continued after realizing that you weren’t going to provide him with the answers he was looking for. “I’ve haven’t seen so much strain on a heart in a long time. His results look almost like yours did all those years ago.”

Blood rushed to your ears, partially muting all the noise in the room. The feel of your heart pounding painfully against your chest was foreign now, yet familiar all at the same time. It was almost entirely painful, but not quite. No. This couldn’t be happening. There had to be some sort of mistake. But you knew there wasn’t. The signs had been there, and you had purposely ignored them because you hadn’t wanted to entertain the possibility of Suho going through what you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

“You’re rejecting the soulmate bond.” Dr. Kwon said simply, not knowing he was voicing your greatest fear. “If he doesn’t undergo treatment soon, he will die.”

There was a moment where you could only hear your heartbeat. It’s unsteady rhythm was the only thing you could focus on in order to hold back your tears. It was true that you didn’t want Suho in your life, but to think he was experiencing the same pain you had made you feel sick to your stomach. No one, not even Suho, deserved to experience that type of pain. You could only press your lips together, afraid that a sob might break through at any moment.

“Y/N?”

You lifted your distant eyes, as if snapping out of some sort of trance. “Sharing a person’s medical information is a crime.”

Dr. Kwon frowned, but wasn’t all that fazed by your threatening reminder because he was aware that your reaction was nothing more than a byproduct of the trauma caused by your soulmate. Still, he had expected more from you. The treatment you received at the facility he founded was meant to help you (which it had—physically), but it had also inadvertently morphed your philophobia into something more grave that didn’t allow you to be emotionally vulnerable.

The doctor let out a deep sigh. “Y/N—”

“If you’re going to treat him, then do it.” You said as you put down the paperwork. “Just don’t expect me to care about what happens to him.”

With that cold statement, you stood up and grabbed your things. You hurried to the door, not willing to be in the office any longer. Just as you reached the door, you were stopped by the doctor’s voice.

“He won’t take the supplements.” Dr. Kwon said. “I don’t know why, but he’s unwilling to undergo any sort of treatment.”

You swallowed thickly, unable to keep the tears in your eyes. It was difficult, but you swallowed the lump in your throat and walked out of the large office without looking back.

Suho never thought you would ask to see him first. It was something that went beyond his all of his wildest dreams, and for the first time he felt the pressure in his chest loosen. You had asked to meet him at the bridge where he first encountered you after returning, and he didn’t hesitate to clear his schedule in order to meet you. He didn’t have time to think about why you wanted to see him. It didn’t matter, either. Not when you willingly wanted to see him and spend time with him.

Suho made it to the bridge in record time. His eyes immediately spotted you, able to distinguish you almost immediately. Even from afar you looked as stunning as ever. The bright city lights managed to give you an ethereal glow that took his breath away. Not wanting to keep you wait any longer, Suho was quick to go over to where you were standing.

“Y/N.”

You turned around, expression as blank as usual. It was a bit disappointing, but Suho wouldn’t let that deter his mood. When he finally got close enough, he could see traces of concern in your eyes. It made him wonder what was wrong while thinking of ways he could ease your discomfort.

“Suho.”

He hadn’t heard you say his name in years despite all the time you two had spent together. It was like music to his ears, and it made him hopeful that you two were finally moving in the right direction. Maybe earning your forgiveness wouldn’t be impossible like he originally thought.

“You’re dying.” You said shakily. “Because of me.”

Suho felt his heart sink into his stomach. He didn’t have any time to think about how you found out, but he couldn’t stand to see at the wounded look in your eyes. The last thing he had wanted to do was hurt you, yet that was the very thing he did.

His silence made the sickening feeling amplify. It was true. You had known it was since Dr. Kwon had told you, but part of you had hoped it was a mistake or a flat out lie. To think that you were doing the same thing Suho did to you was reprehensible. All your years of helping people and your own recovery didn’t seem to mean anything because it felt like you were right back at where you started. Except now it was you who was causing the pain.

You swallowed thickly, not believing this was happening. “Why… Why wouldn’t you agree to take the suppressants?”

The stoic expression that was imprinted in your mind made an appearance for the first time since you two met again. It made you feel sick and like you were trapped in the middle of a bizarre nightmare.

“Don’t you realize what you’re doing?” Your voice rose slightly. “How could you be reckless enough to disregard your own health?”

Suho’s eyes gleamed with regret and something else you couldn’t identify. “You did the same thing back then. You risked your life for my happiness.”

The suppressants weren’t perfect, and still left room for error. Often times, the emotions people didn’t want to feel passed through and consumed them. But now it felt like you weren’t taking the medicine at all because in the next instant, you were bursting with emotions, the most prominent one being anger. How could he compare your situations? How could he think that this was what you wanted?

There was a tense pause, one that didn’t last very long but felt like an eternity.

“Don’t act like you’re doing some selfless deed.” You hissed, feeling angry tears pinch the back of your eyes. “What I did back when we met isn’t the same as what you’re doing now, and you fucking know it.”

For a moment, you two only stared at each other fiercely. Similar emotions were building inside both of you, ready to burst at the seams. Neither of you were willing to speak the truth, but expected the other to understand.

“You chose to do that for me back then.” Suho forced himself to say. “It was your choice, and what I’m doing now is mine.”

And it was his choice. Suho would never forgive himself for everything he did to you, and he was certain there was nothing he could ever do to make it up to you. Except this. Only going through the same pain would he be able to truly repent his mistakes. The only problem was that you didn’t take his words in the way he meant them.

“It was never my choice!” You yelled angrily, feeling like you could explode from the rage. “Why would I ever choose to feel the pain you put me through?”

Everything was happening too quickly, but it was too late to backtrack. The misunderstandings and the misuse of words didn’t matter anymore because you were finally letting your true feelings spill out of you like a waterfall.

“You were the one who rejected the bond that we have without caring about how it would effect me!”

The sight of your tears came as another blow to Suho’s chest, one that was much stronger than all the others. Everything was falling apart so quickly. Too quickly to stop it. Suho took a step toward you but you stepped back. The anger and pain you were feeling was evident now.

“When are you going to stop hurting me?”

Suho sucked in a sharp breath. Your words made him feel as terrible as he did when he found out you couldn’t see your string. A single tear slid down his face as he looked at your pain-filled expression. The bond between you was completely damaged, and for the first time he could feel it.

“Wasn’t it enough for you when you almost killed me because you loved Lim Jugyeong?” You wondered, feeling like your throat was closing in on itself. “I didn’t know about our bond, but you willingly ignored it. When I found out, you didn’t hesitate to tell me you didn’t want me as your soulmate. I accepted all of that, so why… why do you keep doing this to me?”

Subconsciously rejecting or accepting the soulmate bond was something every human did as soon as they recognized their soulmate, and it had a stronger effect than most people would ever understand. It might’ve occurred to you that this is exactly what you were doing, but thinking logically wasn’t possible with all the emotions that were overpowering your thoughts. It no longer mattered that you never intended for any of this to happen because it had. Because it was fate.

Suho couldn’t stand it anymore. All the pain he caused you was suffocating, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He reached for you, only to be stopped by the blinding pain his chest. Tiny black dots clouded his vision before they completely engulfed it.

You could only watch in horror as Suho collapsed on the ground just as you had all those years ago.

At times, you wondered if your entire life was nothing more than a terrible dream. Some of the things that happened to you felt too surreal and distorted to be an actual part of reality. However, there was always certain moments that managed to remind you that your life was far from a dream. Seeing Suho’s pale form laying in a hospital bed was one of those moments.

You watched him carefully, gasping quietly when his eyes slowly opened.

When Suho saw you by his bedside, it immediately eased some of the pain he was feeling. You tearfully whispered his name, no longer hiding behind the stoic mask he had grown used to. It almost made him feel like all the pain was worth it.

“I’ll go get the doctor.”

You stood to leave, but Suho immediately caught you by your wrist. He gently caressed it, looking like he might cry. “Stay. Please.”

And you did. You slowly sat back down, feeling the enigmatic pull take over your actions. You hadn’t felt it in years, and you wondered if it would be a good idea to take more of the suppressants before your feelings became too intense to control.

“I’m sorry.” You apologized through the tears. “I shouldn’t have said all those things to you knowing that your health is in a delicate state.”

Your apology meant the world to Suho, but it also managed to make him feel horrible. Just like back then, you were putting his feelings before your own, and he couldn’t stand it. He didn’t deserve the consideration you gave him back then, and he definitely didn’t deserve it now.

Suho shook his head. “Everything you said is the truth. I deserve that and much more.”

You pressed your lips together before letting out a shaky sigh. None of that mattered anymore. The only thing you were concerned about was helping him get better. “Take the suppressants.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” You demanded, feeling your heart clench painfully. “The pain is only going to get worse.”

“It’s nothing compared to what I did to you.”

His words made your heart ache. At one point in your life you wanted him to suffer in the same way you had, but now it was the last thing you wanted. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but Suho didn’t seem to realize that. Seeing him in this state wasn’t what you wanted at all. Didn’t he understand that?

“If you don’t agree to undergo the treatment, you’ll die.” You told him, your voice was an apparent mixture of fear and guilt. “How could you think that would make me happy?”

“You haven’t forgiven me for what I did, and neither have I.” Suho said. The tears in his eyes spilled over as he looked at you. “I don’t deserve it either.”

You couldn’t stop your tears own from falling. He had it all wrong, and you weren’t sure that you could ease his pain despite having done it so many times before.

“It’s not that I don’t forgive you.” You whimpered as you took ahold of his hand.

This next part was going to be difficult for you to express, but it needed to be done. It was the only way you were going to be able to truly heal from all the pain that you went through.

“It’s that I don’t forgive myself.” Your confession came out in a shaky sigh. “I didn’t love myself enough to put my health first. Even back then, I had the option to get treated before the pain became unbearable, but I didn’t because I loved you more than I loved myself.”

You let out a quiet sob. “And I’ve never been able to forgive myself for that.”

If anyone understood that feeling, it was Suho. He didn’t hesitate to pull you into his arms, caging you against him. It felt warm and comforting—an unexpected safe place. It made you feel completely protected, like nothing and no one could ever hurt you.

“It’s not your fault.” He whispered. “None of it.”

Suho couldn’t have known it, but his words set you free. Finally, you accepted that your father’s death wasn’t you fault, neither was the resentment your mother felt, not even the fact that Suho had rejected you. None of it was your fault. You were only a victim of the circumstances.

The road to recovery wouldn’t be an easy path, but it was one that you were both willing to take.

Fate was a strange concept, indeed.

Even now, you couldn’t tell if destiny was something that was predetermined or something that could be made, but it didn’t matter. You walked the path that you were meant to take despite not being ready for it. In the end, it had led you to the place that you were meant to be at.

“Y/N!”

You looked over your shoulder with a smile, seeing Suho excitedly wave at you from the other end of the street. He jogged over to you with a giant grin on his face before engulfing you in a tight hug. His warm embrace gave you a sense of security that you had grown to love.

“Did you have fun with Seojun?” You asked, feeling like you were in the middle of a blissful trance.

“The guy thinks he’s all that because he’s famous now.” Suho said jokingly, emitting a laugh from you.

An entire year had passed since that day in the hospital, and now you could proudly say that you had successfully worked past your philophobia. It hadn’t been easy, but with help from Dr. Kwon and even Suho you managed to overcome all the trauma you had been unconsciously clinging on to. Now, you were living happily without the help of suppressants.

Suho pulled back, looking at you with shining eyes. He cupped your face before he swooped down and pressed his lips against your own. You melted into the kiss instantly, feeling a fiery passion consume you. The movement of his lips was sweet yet strong. It managed to make your head swim with euphoria. Suho gently caressed your cheek before he slowly drew back.

“I love you.”

You couldn’t contain your smile. “I love you, too.”

Suho let you go and swiftly grabbed your hand. He swung it happily as you two walked down the street. “Where should we go?”

“There’s a new comic store that opened down the street.” You told him with a grin. “Let’s check it out.”

Suho gave you another smile and gave your hand a gentle squeeze. The sheer joy you felt in that moment seemed unreal. It was hard to believe that you managed to get to this point where happiness was a regular part of your life. You never imagined that it would be a part of fate’s plan for you. There was only one thing that made you realize it was all real and not part of some blissful dream.

You looked down at your intertwined hands, smiling wider when you saw the red thread wrapped around your index finger.

[Spoken Outro] Daylight, Taylor Swift

you took a polaroid of us

summary: the avengers can’t seem to understand why you’re so obsessed with taking polaroids until they come across your scrapbook.

a/n: me? kind of sticking to the mcu timeline? what??? anyways, instead of tony being the one to do the snap, it’s his kid (😔) and this story is so sad but it’s kinda sentimental? anyways tell me what you think!

warnings: angst, some fluff (if you squint), and probably some typos.

add yourself to my taglist! 

No one could understand your obsession with your pristine white polaroid camera.

You had at least ten unopened boxes of polaroid films and the Avengers had always said you didn’t need that many boxes if you weren’t going to use them.

They were backups, you said.

When the team went on press junkets, vacations, staycations, or minimal damage missions where Tony allowed you to come, you brought your trusty polaroid camera. Everyone would roll their eyes whenever you would jump out of the quinjet after forgetting to bring the camera and an extra box in case you ran out of film but you made everyone wait anyway.

You didn’t mind that everyone seemed to be annoyed whenever you took candid shots of them. Sometimes, they’d give you a feigned annoyed expression but chuckle at your curious nature and you wanted to document everything.

Keep reading

HAYLEY ATWELL as PEGGY CARTER CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011) dir. Joe Johnston

YANG JEONGIN JAPAN SEASON'S GREETINGS 2023 MAKING FILM

Heads Under Water Extras I

Summary: After everything that had happened in Wakanda, and the man who stole your heart, you had decided not to return to New York in fear for your life as well as that of your unborn children. Instead living your life away by the beach with your twins and one stormy night you were visited by the man who had vowed to look for you and take you back home. One way or another. Character: K'uk'ulkan/Namor x Atlantean Descendant! Filipino! Female Reader. OC Children (Alon and Amor) Word Count: 6,622 (i needed a good angst and happy ending in my life.) Chapter Warnings: Angst. Mention of Kidnapping. Mention of Abandonment. Happy Ending (cuz Aquapapi desurvs the world). New beginnings. Second Chances.

Series Masterlist || Masterlist || Join the Library (no longer do taglist you can just turn on notif here)

Water Under the Bridge

“Mama!” The sobs that escaped your son and daughter broke your heart as you held them close to you, their arms holding onto you for dear life.

In the years you had stayed back in your hometown, the various storms had come and go, but since your twins were born it was the first time they get to experience hand the violence of what a thunderstorm could be. The first that even had you worried about your wellbeing as you were staying in the little home you shared for the next twenty four hours.

The rising tides weren’t something you worried about as much, but the winds could become strong than the news would lead on at times. It was one of the many reasons why you still depended on Tony’s technology instead of the news’ weather forecast. You had several of your cousins sending you text to check on you three but you tried your best to assure each and every single one of them that you would be fine for the next few hours while the storm passes.

Everything you’ve endured in Wakanda was by far worse compared to this moment, this moment of chaos before peace and serenity. The life you had escaped from back in Wakanda—from Talokan.

“Did you know that light travels faster than sound?” You found yourself telling your twins, hoping it was good enough of a distraction from the thunder from outside.

“No it doesn’t!” It was your son, Alon that made the protest, eyes still watering from the unshed tears. He was at the stage in his childhood that he wants to always be right about something. But looking at him, you were greeted with glimpses of the man you loved—but had to escape from.

Alon was a spitting image of his father. Same brown eyes, sun-kissed tan skin, and the pointy ears. It scared you at times to look at him how more and more he was becoming the younger version of his father before your very eyes.

“Yes it does!” It was your daughter, Amor that contradicted her twin.

Your son might have your lover’s features, but Amor has her father’s personality through and through. From the way she talks to her Uncles and Aunts, to how she ensures that playtime with the younger member of the family would be fair for each and every single one involved. At a young age, it genuinely scared you the level of maturity she had without you even realizing.

“Then watch the skies, My Loves.”

As if on cue, the flash of light momentarily illuminated through the windows as the twins snuggled closer to you in the couch. You gently counted down to three before the thundering sound followed after. A smile on your face at the giggle and amazement from your twins, more so your daughter that was proven right.

“Will the thunder get to us?” You son asked, head looking up at you in wonder, ignoring his earlier statement as his curiosity was more of a priority.

“No it won’t.” You tried your best to reassure them both. “If the sound and the light go off at the same time, then yes, it might. But right now, there is a space between them both. So we’re safe here.” You kissed him on the forehead.

Proving your point even further, the flash of light appeared and with bated breath all three of you counted a few seconds before the sound echoed the weeping skies. The mix of cheers and wows from your children made the smile on your face bigger. It reminded you so much of your short stint in Wakanda, helping with teaching the young children about the beauty of science. Nothing truly beats being able to teach the young aspiring minds and helping them further with whatever path they may pave for themselves.

Peering towards the clock above the door it was past their bedtime. Without much of a hitch, you had lifted them both into your arms—a feat that you never truly realize was a problem until you realize the true source of your strength.

“I think it’s time for bed.” You announced, carrying them to their bedroom, ignoring the howls of the winds that continued to echo the living room and the protest that came from your children that continue to insist that they weren’t sleepy.

The unison of protest was left in deaf ear as you had continued to carry the twins up into your arms and bringing them both to their shared bedroom, away from the noise of the storm and away from the fear and curiosity that might peak their interest.  Placing them in their beds one at a time, you kissed their foreheads, singing a lullaby to drown out their continuous protest of still not sleepy yet even when it was already past their bedtime.

“Can you tell us more about Papa?” It was Amor that now grow curious.

Even after all that you had endured in Wakanda, with your former lover, and of the truth of your heritage, you had been open to them about their father, at least the existence of him. You had told them stories of his people, of the hardship that his people and he has been placed in. You had taught them in the best of your abilities the foundation of what the Talokan people had fought for, hoping they would also have the same principle when they grow up.

"His enemies called him Namor, for he was called El niño sin amor by them."

“What does that mean?”

“The boy without love.” You answered, memories of him telling you about the origin of the name, of the last impact it had on him and of the fight he continued to have for the sake of his people.

“But you love him right, Mama?”

Such question still had this impact on you and your sanity. You did love him, more than you would have ever believed yourself to be capable of giving. You loved him and when you realized the effect of your heritage had on him and his people, you chose to leave before he does anything that either of you would regret.

“I do.” You confirmed. “His people did, everyone that finally had come to understood all that hardship he had to endure to be where he was. His sacrifice means more to his people than he thinks it does.” You continued.

It took you awhile of pushing and pulling away from him to realize where he was coming from. The life and the reign he had on his people, the war he was willing to wage for the sake of his people. It made him no less of a man for you, it made you love him more and more each day because of it. It breaks your heart even as years has passed since you've last stepped foot in Wakanda or in New York for the matter, to not be with him, to not be by his side, and for him not to see the children you have both created together grow to be the very child you both so wished to be growing up.

“Will we ever see him, Mama?” It was now Alon that inquired, the octopus covered blanket covering him up to his neck now.

"I don't know." You spoke honestly, you did not have the power to know if he would be welcoming of you and of your children should he find out about them. The best thing that you could do now is to protect them from him and the underlying but still understandable hatred for the surface dwellers. You, as much as the truth came about, were still part of said surface dwellers. "But what is important to me right now is you and your sister are both safe and sound. You both are loved by your many family that are here. They might not be like your Papa, but we are trying our best to give you both the life you deserve."

"Okay, Mama." They both said in unison, eyes slowly growing heavy and it was all the sign you needed to let them sleep.

“Get some sleep, if the storm ends in the morning we can walk around the beach.” You promised to which they cheered more tired at this point. “I love you, My Babies.” You whispered, kissing them both in their foreheads, opening the nightlight, and closing the door behind you.

In the stillness of the little home you had created for yourself, you had allowed yourself a moment to sob. The raging storm that continued had masked the pain you had bubbled up every single time your children ask about their father. The tears of what could have been between you and the man, of the life he had promised you and of the life you were more than willing to give him. It was all ruined because of one simple truth about your life and about your heritage that you knew nothing about.

In the howls of the winds, something else had caught your ears. A hum, soothing the momentary pain in your chest the more to listened. The sobs halted as you held comfort in the rare calmness in your mind and in your soul. As if having an out of body experience, you watched your feet move in their own accords. The memories of your visit in Talokan with the man who had vowed to make you his Queen filled your head, lingering in the furthest parts of your memory—a memory you had tried so hard to suppress.

As your hand slowly turned the knob of the front door, you felt the sudden race of your heartbeat as you were welcomed with a gust of the thunderous winds. The rains splattering your skin as you could barely see anything in the beach, the rain making it close to impossible. But in the heaviness of the rain, it was the thunder that had showcased the danger behind the rain. The light had momentarily showed three individuals standing under the pouring rain.

All the color had drained from your face at the recognition of who they were. The siren no longer controlling you but the sight had led you to remain where you stood.

“Namor.” You spoke, firmly as you could in the moment of terror. How did he find you? How did he realize that you were hear when you did your best to hide from him.

You had always believed nothing could be darker than the clear night skies, but you were left to be wrong as you looked into his eyes. How the darkness of his eyes the moment you had refused to call him by his name and of the other names you had once fondly called him during your time together. Ku'uk'ulkan. In Ajawo. In Amado.

"It's time to come home, In Reina."

You felt your heart drop at his intentions then and there. You shook your head, refusing to believe that it would come to this. No, not like this. Not when you children were too young. You took a measured step back, hoping to plan something on the fly, hoping to give yourself enough space away from the man. But you plan was foiled as Namora swiftly had her spear pointed at your neck, challenging you with her eyes to take another step. Standing still, you felt your hands shaking and knowing there was no other way around this. He has found you and he will not leave without you—and your children.

"Talokan ma' K'abéet jump'éel reina fugitiva."

You winced at the venom of Namora's words, the pain that you had caused her was far too evident. In your time in Wakanda and Talokan, you had become closer to her, a friendship that you wouldn’t believe would bloom between you and her. But you had left and never turned back. She was hurt beyond repair by your decision not to comeback, more so without any explanation to her or to her cousin about the matter. You deserved it, but it was merely life and death for you that you chose to be selfish in the moment and it had saved your life.

"Namora." Your lover's words held finality and Namora had no other choice but to pull her spear away from you. The frown still marring her features.

K'uk'ulkan whose eyes were still on you held you in an emptiness you were uncertain if he always has or if you were the root cause of it. Years had passed, you had seen the changes of the world around you but looking at him, looking at the lack of change in his features woke you of the reality of who you had fallen so madly in love with.

"I'm not going with you. There is a reason why I left Wakanda, why I didn't return to New York just like what I have once told you." You spoke, you tried you best to not look into his eyes, but you failed immeasurably so.  "I have a life here, far from the threats and tribulation you continue to make toward me and the people that I love and you continue to call as savages."

"What life?" He inquired, insulting humor lacing his tone. "A life where your family stop by each and every single day trying their best to check up on you. A life where all you do is stare into the waters that you once had feared like the plague? The waters I had once helped you to overcome?"

“A life without you!”

Your words held finality and the thunders grew louder from the background. You could not risk your life, nor the life of your children. You had seen the bloodshed that came with his people and the wars they were more than willing to start for the sake of their Kingdom. You had known of what he had once done to Wakanda for the sake of his war with the surface dwellers, it wasn’t beneath him to choose his people over you and over your children if it were to come to it.

"Four years, Mi Reina. I had given you four years to come back to me. But I am done waiting and you will come back to me one way or another."

The finality of his words made you want to run away, question him for what he planned on doing to you but it was Attuma that was quick to stop you as he lifted you up into his shoulders. You couldn’t hold it as you screamed and thrashed against the man’s shoulders, trying anything and everything to get away from his hold. The blood curdling screams even in the chaos of the thunderstorm was loud enough to wake your children. The sound of the bedroom door opening had you halting and watched the sheer horror of the scene that fell upon them. You in the shoulders of a being that wasn’t truly human.

"Mama?" It was Alon that looked the most fearful between the two as your daughter Amor screamed at Attuma to let you go, going as far as charging at him and hitting him the best as she could.

"Stay in your room!" You screamed but as you turned towards K'uk'ulkan, you could see the thunder in his eyes as realization of your reason for running has now becoming clearer than ever before.

“They have my eyes.” He spoke so quietly staring between your crying son and your fighting daughter that Attuma tried his best to avoid hurting. “You took my children away from me, Y/N!” He roared, it practically shook the ground and had even Amor in tears because of it.

"Please don't take them, In Amado. Spare them, they're just kids." You sobbed now. Your resolve to remain fearless crumbling at the danger that it might have towards your children.

"Take the children." K'uk'ulkan had ordered Attuma and Namora.

You were let go, throwing into the much harsher hands of your lover as you watched your children try their best to escape both Namora and Attuma. Pulling something out of their pouches, you had watched a far too familiar plant in their possession.

"They can breathe underwater!" You screamed, halting both Talokans from doing what they intended on doing to your children. "They got it from me." You whispered at the shame of your heritage was always and will forever be ingrained in your children just as much as it did to you.

"You have taken four years away from me, taken away my children from me, and you have lied to me over and over again and made me out to be a fool." He held onto your jaws, moving you until you were looking at him. The proximity even in the situation still brought a shiver down your spine. The pain of his grip brought tears to fall further from your eyes. "Tell me why I should not kill you for what you did to me?"

“My children will not live without their mother.” You struck a far too familiar nerve in him, but it was for your children’s sake.

“And now…they will not live without their father.”

It was in the middle of the night, as the storm grows louder that all five of you descended back down to the waters. How even in your tears, you had reassured your children as they tried their best to get away from Namora and Attuma’s grasp that everything was alright.

But never once did it escape your lips that this man, the very man that now held onto your arm tightly was the same man you told stories about. The father that they had always hoped to have in their life.

~

“Where are we, Mama?”

In the silence of what was now their chambers in Talokan, it was was Alon and his curiosity that broke the silence since your arrival. You could only look helplessly at the trauma your choice has done to your children. Both shaken still for being taken in the middle of the night to an unknown world that was far from what they have always known their whole life. Thrown into a room with guards posted to keep watch over you in the off chance you would escape—something you couldn’t do without compromising your children’s safety in the process.

This was not the life you would have hoped for your children, not the way you would have hoped they would meet their father. Never in a millions year would you have hoped it would be under this circumstance.

“Talokan, your father’s home.” You spoke honestly. In a perfect world, you would have love for them to see the beauty of the nation had, untouched by the people of the surface world.

“And your new home.” You winced as the familiar prickle that covered the back of your neck because of his voice. No matter the circumstance, he always had this power over you, the shiver that always runs down your spine from just his voice.

You felt his presence long before you felt his touch. The way his hand had slowly moved from your hand towards the column of your neck before finally settling onto your cheeks. It was as if still enchanted, you found yourself turning to look at him face to face, the gentle warmth that was far from the man that had dragged you and your twins away in the middle of the night.

“Don’t touch Mama!” Amor screamed, rushing in between the both of you, pushing the man as far away from you as possible. You had to pull your daughter into your arms as the guards had immediately pointed their weapons towards your daughter.

“Stand down.” K'uk'ulkan ordered the guards as your hold on your daughter slowly loosen at the reassurance as they finally did as they were told. “No one will raise their weapon at my children and the Queen.” He ordered to which the guards had accepted without an ounce of hesitation.

The guards were eventually ordered to give you the privacy that you genuinely craved in the moment but could never have. Taking a large step away from the man, you found yourself sitting on the bed, pulling even your son into your arms in fear of what else could have to the three of you if you do not play along with whatever the man wants. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you should be brave for the sake of your children, fear was lingering through your very bone, of what the man could be capable of doing to your children just to get to you.

He walked towards you, slowly and measured in his steps. You had felt your children hold onto your even tighter still. It was like a predator stalking their prey with the man, his eyes boring holes through you but as they fell towards the kids, there was sadness. From the darkness that loomed it had transformed into a soft tender look that you had only witnessed from him in the rare interactions he would have with the children in Talokan and even in Wakanda that have grown to love him (though he refuse to admit as such).

“Do you know who I am?” He inquired, voice soft and gentle now, the softness that felt far too intimate for anyone else but you.

You had watched the twins shake their heads, their hold on you still firm as they refused to trust a man that brought them to an unfamiliar location. A location they were now to treat like their own home from now on.

“I go by many names, but my people know me as K'uk'ulkan.” He began smiling almost amused as you both watched your children test the name out in their own tongues. “But I am Yuum to you both from now on.” He continued.

"What does that mean?" Alon had asked, curiosity peaking at something he does not know.

"Father." He translated.

“You are not our father!” Amor spat, pulling away from your hold to stand in front of the man. The softness slowly disappearing from his features as despair was there to replace it—of the action of your own doing it seems. “Papa would have never hurt Mama like you did! Mama said Papa is a kind man! He is loved by everyone for his kindness, you are not kind!”

You had refused to meet his gaze now. You had ingrained his kindness and love into their minds only for him to ruin in a single moment and for once you are not to blame for his actions. It could have been any other way, but he chose to use violence and show the cruelty he was capable of unleashing if it doesn’t go his way.

“Amor, please. He is your Papa. There is just a misunderstanding.” You hoped that placating your daughter for now would be enough, it was in moments like this that you remember how much she was just like his father, every mannerism he would have—down to his temper especially in moments like this.

“Amor?” K'uk'ulkan’s voice held amusement at the momentary respite of you finally calling your daughter by her name.

“It was only fitting to name her for what we both had once.” You explained, eyes looking towards your daughter as her dangerously daggered glare was still fixated on her own father. The love you had hoped he would come to believe he was capable of having for himself and for the people around him to have for him when all was said and done, but it was no longer here or there for you to tell him as such.

“And nothing had changed, no matter what had transpired. I was more than willing to take you back whatever the circumstance.” He spoke, hand holding onto Amor’s own, but she was quick to snatch her hand away and make her way back towards you. “I had waited for you, hoped that you would come back like you had always promised you would.”

“And you best course of action when I didn’t come back was to force me here, to force my children here? All because I broke my promise?”

“Our children!” He spat voice raising. “The heirs to my throne, the hope of Talokan for a better future.”

"But your plan against my people, both from the land and of Atlantis is not a better future." You spat. "You plan to kill the family I have back home, my cousins, my uncle and aunts that had been there for me when I had no one else to help me. You would kill the sister and brother that I never thought I would have in Atlantis just because."

“For Talokan, I would do that and more.” The echo of his voice was the final straw as the sob escape from Alon’s lips. No matter what it was, he would always have this gentle heart and any argument, may it be between children or between adults, he fears arguments and raised voice like a plague— K'uk'ulkan did not make it any better at this point.

It was the weighted silence with only your son’s sobs that got you to finally look him straight in the eye, the regret that came in his eyes as he watched his son sob against your chest. This was not how it should have been—he knows it but it was far too late to take back his words.

"Now you have your answer for why I left." You spoke.

"And you and my children will stay here until you think otherwise."

~

It had been weeks now since your return to Talokan and the arrival of your twins to their new home. Slowly but surely you had watched your children integrate into the life of the people of Talokan. It had been hard language wise, but the teachers that knew English had been helpful in making sure they could communicate better with the people they interact with.

The twins have also slowly but surely soften in their hesitation of being in a place far from what they once known. They had garnered a lot of new friends in the nation, and the most daunting change had been towards their former captors, Namora and Attuma who they now affectionately call as Tita and Tito respectively, you could genuinely say the same could be said about the right hands of your lover, the softness and genuine fondness they now share for the twins and the overprotectiveness only an Uncle and Aunt would show. It was a relief to know there were someone like the two of them to be there for the twins when you could not.

The same could not be said towards their father, K'uk'ulkan. Any chance that the man had free time on his hand he would visit the twins, but they tried their best to avoid him, hiding behind you, or Attuma and Namora if the opportunity was given. But in the rare chance that they had no one to hide behind, they had been respectful out of your own request to them, but nothing more. No affections of any kind, and you know it breaks K'uk'ulkan every single time.

It took time for him to trust you on your own again, but in the weeks of your stay in Talokan he had finally granted your request to return to the surface. You had wanted to assure your family about you and your children’s whereabouts and to hopefully say goodbye as you come to accept your place in Talokan from now on. You’ve tried your best to keep them in the dark about your exact location—in fear of the nation being discovered and ruined by the surface dwellers but reassured them time and time again that you and your children were in good hand now with K'uk'ulkan. It took a lot of reform out of you to listen to them scold you for disappearing for weeks without any word but you understood that it was their worry for you above anything else. The fear of you following in your mother’s steps scared them more than anything.

By the waters you had known K'uk'ulkan was present, watching and listening. You had reassured every single member of your family that remained that you and your children were well taken care off by the man. Reassured them that this time everything will be alright. Your love for both the man and your children would be enough to make you stay with him just as much as his for all of you would make you want to stay now. It was enough to reassure them even as much as it didn't for you.

You had returned, keeping your promise. But the fear of what K'uk'ulkan would do to your children still in the back of your head as you descended back to the water in the middle of the night when no one was watching.

Since your return back to Talokan, you had been moved to the far too familiar bedroom, sharing it with the King and the implication it might have for everyone to see and often jest about. Sharing the same bed, the very same one long before you had left. Everything remained the same. The same murals etched the walls, the only difference was the images of you and of your children joining him in the stories painted in the walls. The love that K'uk'ulkan would rarely profess was out in the open for you to see.

It gave you the push to slowly try. Talking to him, even if it was with concerns to Talokan and if there were infrastructures that needed help in building, you tried your best to be useful and now more open to the man. You tried with your children as well, talking to them about the first time they had seen their father all those weeks ago was not how he truly was, you had tried your best to make them understand the situation and thankfully it was slowly working.

Slowly watching them no longer hiding behind Namora or Attuma at the instance of his arrival to them finally calling him Papa for the man to see and try his best to hide the emotions building up for the change.

“Yuum” You repeated to your twins as they had asked you to translate Papa for them. A smile on your face as you three had spent the day by the endless halls of his kingdom, exploring as much as you were trying to remember the memories you had with the man during your initial stay in the past.

"Yum!" The twins said in unison almost earning a giggle out of you. It takes them time to speak your lover's language but they were trying. Already knowing how to make basic conversations with the kids of Talokan.

"Yuum." You repeated again.

"Yuum!" The repeated again with giggle in their voices.

"Very good." You praised them both, kissing them on the top of their heads and halting in your steps as the man himself comes as if being called by your children's glee.

"In reina." He acknowledged eyes falling towards your children. "In orgullo yéetel ki'imak óolil."

His words made your heart flutter, the way he looks at your children it was as if you were looking at yourself. In the weeks even as he kept his distance, he always looked at them, with a love only a father could truly give to their children. But even with the distance and time, he treated them as such still. It was the same look you have seen in your stepfather even after knowing you were not his blood, he loved you still. Like a ten ton truck, you were struck with the reality of your guilt, of taking this opportunity away from him, pulling him away from the chance to this life, of the life of your twins in his own.

"Yuum..." You smiled kissing your kids on top of their heads again as they tested the words again in front of the man himself and the smile on his lips only made it all the more bittersweet.

It was the first time for them to call him as such.

"Tita Namora must be sparring around this time, do you want me to bring you to her while I talk to Papa?" You inquired to which had the twins agreeing, they had somehow grown a fond interest in watching Namora practicing and it was something she herself loved to show off (though she would never admit as much in front of you).

“I’ll take them.” K’uk’ulkan had volunteered to which brought hesitation on your children’s faces.

“Let Yuum take you to your tita, and I’m sure he will let you two watch the sharks swim by on your way.” You smiled winking towards K’uk’ulkan hoping he knows what to do. It was the first of many steps needed to be taken for everyone’s sake.

At the excitement in their voices, you had watched your twins now practically hold onto your lover already talking about the kinds of shark they hope to see on their way.

“We will talk in our chambers, In Reina.” He instructed to which you could only nod and watch a now overwhelmed K’uk’ulkan guide the twins to their destination.

"Be good to Papa and Tita for me, okay?" You called out to which had the twins nod before swimming alongside their father to where Namora was.

In the moment away from your children and away from the man, you had an opportunity to think. To think of the fours years that you had been away from K'uk'ulkan, of all the pain and suffering you had placed upon yourself because of the fear of your heritage, of the self-imposed hell you not only have placed upon yourself but towards your children that seemed so meaningless now as you've witness the longing the man had for your children, the love and veneration that the people had for them even after knowing of your bloodline. It all seemed so meaningless and uncalled for the more time you've spent back in Talokan with everyone.

It didn't take you long to return to your chambers you share with the man. In the weeks since you've returned, never once did he touch you. Not for the lack of trying in his part, but out of respect for you and that was what you had appreciated so much out of him. But days go by that you craved him, his warmth and the comfort that only his touch could give you. But he had made it clear from the start that it was only in your word, of your willingness to fully come back to him were you allowed to have his touch.

As time goes by, you were slowly destroying your own resolve.

"In Reina." The way he had called you his Queen long ago before you even knew of your heritage, of your love for the man, his certainty for your title, of what you were to him—it was so overwhelming when it comes to him.

You closed your eyes for a moment, savoring how even in your absence, you were still given such a privilege of the title. You savored how the waters moved and the man now stood in front of you as you opened your eyes and his hand resting on your shoulders, thumbs drawing small circles against your exposed collar bone.

“In Ajawo.” You acknowledged him finally having the strength to face him.

His eyes, smoldering browns stared right back at you and all you wanted to do was melt into a puddle before him. His effect on you still held strong just as much as the fear of what his power had over you.

"You wanted to talk, now you have me."

"Am I not interrupting you of any of your duties?"

"For you, nothing is too important that I couldn't postpone."

You had blushed at his confession, the humor of your memories of him being practically dragged by either Attuma or Namora away from you because of his duties all those years ago. It was never any different now in this very moment. The hidden power you still had over him.

"I wanted to know what will happen to my children now."

"Our children shall be taught of the way of Talokan, and when they get older they will perform the same duties as you and I in the council."

"Even if they are just like me? Bearing the blood of the lost people of Atlantis?" You questioned now, knowing of the last conversation you had with him in the past and what he had once planned on doing to them when the time comes.

"I had spoken with anger more than anything else." He admits, eyes refusing to meet your own for once. "I was angry at what your father had done to your mother, of the curse that it had fallen upon you because of it. But I've learned now, of talking with the people of your blood that they are not like your father but are much of a peaceful people like our own. I know it was because of my own words and of my own action that pushed you away. But I want to make up for it, for your sake as well as that of my children."

You shook your head at his words, it took some time but you understood where he had been coming from. His people came first before anything else. He was pushed into a corner that he was uncertain what the right choice could be.  He made a decision, it meant there would be consequences for it, just as much as you did with your own. It was now a matter of what either of you could do to make things right after all was said and done in the moment.

"And I had spoken with fear above all the emotions that I have felt at the time. My love for you wasn't as strong back then to make me stay."

"Is it now?"

"Yes." You spoke, the weight of the world lifted from your shoulders at your confession. "You helped me in facing my fears, you made me feel beautiful than what I truly am. But the most you have ever done for me that made me love you for all that had happened between us was our children, you gave me two angels that I would die to ensure that their lives are protected from any sorts of harm, you gave me a family I had never thought I would ever have in my life. You gave me all the love that I one day hope I could give back, even just a fraction."

"In Reina, all I want is for you to stay, for you and my children to finally stay that is what I could ever hope for. What I need from now on. I can forget about any disputes from other nations if it means making you three stay."

"Then we will stay." You spoke with finality before moving closer to the man and pulling him in for a kiss. "For as long as you would have me and my children, we will stay."

"Then you will all stay by my side, forever."

===

translation:

In Ajawo = My King

In Amado = My Beloved

In Reina = My Queen

Talokan ma' K'abéet jump'éel reina fugitiva. = Talokan Does not need a runaway Queen.

Yuum = Father

Tito = Uncle

Tita = Aunt

In orgullo yéetel ki'imak óolil = My Pride and Joy