Portrait For Sourisdedog 🪶

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It’s this time of year

🦋 - sharpycharot

One thing I haven't seen talked about much when it comes to chronic illnesses is how it ages you. By that, I mean making you feel older than you really are, as if you jumped decades all at once. I'm only in my twenties, and yet I often feel like I'm more than double my age, especially when I'm around others my age.

They all seem so, idk, full of life? I've gotten so used to being tired constantly, to getting sick at the smallest change of plans, and avoiding traveling and I guess sometimes I forget that other people just..... don't have to do those things. I wish I could be as adventurous as my friends. It hurts knowing that in some ways, I can never experience life as everyone around me does. It's like I skipped straight over my twenties and went right into my fifties. Some days I think maybe that isn't true, and that I might actually be able to keep up with healthy people my age. But then I try to go out with people, or plan going to an event, or even just hang out at someone else's place, and I'm reminded of how I'll never quite have the freedom of being young and healthy. The "prime of my life" is being living in the shoes of someone far older than what my birth year would imply.

There's just so much about my life that feels......out of place for someone my age. The random pain, the unexpected nausea, the piles of pill bottles, supplements, and injections. Going to the clinic so often that my mom and I are on a first-name basis with the nurses and the doctors. Remembering how to pronounce and spell the names of like 6 different prescriptions. Knowing what a colonoscopy is like, and having had three of them before even being old enough to drink. Having my first priority when job searching be for something with great health insurance. Worrying not about if I will get cancer, but when. Knowing that someday, any day really, I may not respond to medication anymore. That at some point, major surgery may be my only option. Spending several months thinking that I was dying at only 14. Needing to cancel or postpone plans often because I can't leave the bathroom. So, so much that just isn't that common for people my own age. I know that there are lots of others out there with experiences like mine, but I've rarely if ever come across them.

It's hard trying to spend time with anyone. I feel like I'm only going to drag people's mood down and ruin our plans, even if I'm the one that made them. I guess maybe I should try to acknowledge my limits more and accept that I might need to take it easy. But deep down, I want to live like a healthy twenty-something-year-old. I want to make those spontaneous plans, to go out and do something exhausting, to go somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no bathroom to be found and feel confident about it. To party, and fall in love, and take that internship opportunity, and do all the exciting stuff that college has to offer. But I know that I can't in the way that I want to, and that maybe I never will.

It hurts that I will likely never experience the so-called "best years of my life" in the way that I had hoped for before I was diagnosed.

I find it so strange when allos are horrified at the concept of being alone forever. I don’t think anyone can be a healthy, fully-functioning adult if their happiness depends entirely on another person. Learning to enjoy time spent alone is one of the most important things you can do for your mental health because, whether or not you’re in a romantic relationship, you will spend a lot of time alone in your life. If you can’t be happy alone, it’s going to be very hard to be happy at all.

lyra likes reece's puffs

Ok I have beef with amatonormativity (the assumption that everyone prospers in an exclusive romantic relationship).

There’s a friend of mine. He’s a guy. He’s done a lot for me and I love him in a very naive platonic kind of way. They was you do your best friends.

When he gets happy his nose crinkles and his voice cracks and when he’s sad he gets the deeply pensive and world weary look and he’s always wearing shirts with holes in them.

He’s got two kids and the way he behaves with them just makes my traumatized heart hurt because he’s so gentle and wholesome and it’s so sweet.

I can’t talk to my mother about it because she always makes it wierd. In fact, most people like to make it wierd.

Can we just normalize having friends of different genders, different ages, different life-stages, and being allowed to love them? Why does love have to be this strange word that carries such a heavy stigma?

Isn’t it love to bake your injured friend a lasagna?

Isn’t it love to give someone a cool rock you found? Or a little trinket that reminded you of them?

Isn’t it love to want to make their day better and to see them smile?

Amatonormativity is killing kindness. Let me compliment people just because they look good in that shirt or because they have a nice smile. Just because. Let me be affectionate with my friends without it being wierd. Let me call them silly names or get them dinner without it automatically being called flirting.

Just let me love people in all the little ways i want to.

ʚ fluttercord appreciation ɞ i remember this nail matching the eye color of your partner was a trend a while ago, so i did these for valentine's day! i already posted fluttershy in my instagram bc i didn't wanted to miss the date and discord wasn't ready, but i wanted to post them together here even if it's late :'> anyway happy late valentine's day for yall!! ♡

i love how delusional some articles of clothing are, like you read the tag and its like “hand wash only/tumble dry on low” son you are a cotton tshirt. youre going in the warsh and whatever happens in there is in gods hands

Luna painting! by dandybouquet