Missing You Michael, I Want To Reach Out To Tell You I Still Cared So Deeply For You. But I Can’t,

it just keeps coming in waves. this soul-crushing feeling that i never can describe right. it hurts, it aches, it longs, it rolls but it’s sharp and stings. the great ambiguous birthday blues are settling into my bones for tonight.

holding back tears in the parking lot of the community college because my mom called to tell me that my sister told college recruiters i was her hero.

taking the years of abuse for her wasn’t for nothing :’)

Worship Wednesday

Hermes Epimelius, Keeper of the Flock. Hermes' shepherd aspect is one of my favorites. There's strong comparisons to the Great Shepherd. He guides the flocks through their journey, watching out for them as they go. He watches out for us in a similar way. There have been many times he's guided me through my life, assisting me in progressing through it. Hermes Epimelius cares for all of his flock. Not one member goes unnoticed. He's always looking out for danger. And while he won't always protect us from everything, he won't let us go through anything he knows we're not able to handle. He will step in if the danger becomes too great. He loves his flock and wants to see them succeed.

This week's question: Have you ever been through a time in your life where it was clear Hermes was guiding you through it?

i needed that praise- i needed you ten years ago. i learned how to live with a present but absent father, i learned how to live with the years of emotional abuse and pain, i learned that nothing i can do is ever right or enough.

i don’t need you now, it’s too little too late. leave me the fuck alone.

i don’t know who i am. i feel like i have no personality of my own i just mirror others. i want to be me, but i don’t know who she is. how do i find her?? why can’t i just know who i am????

there is a single person on the face of this earth who would understand my pain, but yet they caused me so much other pain??

how that can be, i don’t know. thats the point with irrational thoughts i guess. they never make sense.

i wish people thought that i was good and kind and caring, people only say i am if i beg them. i wish i wasn’t the scary shelter dog that everyone takes in. i hate that i’ll never be different, i beg the Gods to make me good, but they can’t. i hate myself, so fucking much all the time. it’s awful being this way, i was born cursed and bad.

‘Prowling Cats’ by Tim Southall

god i just feel so fucking empty. i wish i could just like actually be able to make friends so i don’t have to be alone all the time?? but making friends as an adult is stupidly hard.

tbh i should just go back to being a fanfic writer, i had so many online friends back then it was crazy lol

the stress hallucinations are back along with the most violent escapism known to man and me and my dad got into it the other day. you never really get past age 14 huh?