Astarion And Learned Cruelty

Can't wait to see if Toby Fox accounted for the fact that I downloaded Spamton but never put him into the neo body so I'm just carrying him around on a flash drive in my pocket.

Sincere question to any other writers: what's some advice you have about not comparing yourself to other writers? I've kind of just written in my own bubble for most of my life and a lot of my work has never seen the light of day because I'm still in the phase of my journey where the idea of sharing my writing makes me incredibly anxious. Being on this site and seeing how many other people are writing such good stuff, especially in the same fandoms as me, makes that feeling worse. I guess I'm afraid of not being good enough, original enough, or creative enough to "keep up" with other people and make something worthwhile. And that makes me not want to write, and I hate that feeling. This is just something I really want to work on within myself, because it can be overwhelming, and is holding me back a lot.

I've gotten most of Astarion's heart events now, and this story is so sweet. I love the thought that was put into it.

But also!

I'm currently writing my own fic about Astarion and my Tav post-game in the Underdark / searching for a way for Astarion to walk in the sun. So many of the things I've been writing about appear in this mod! The spawn haven in the Underdark! The factions and spawn politics! Dysfunctional sibling dynamics! The balance between his duty to those he freed and Astarion's own mental health and personal goals! My version has a significant amount of angst, comparably. But it's so fun to see, and it's making me want to write so much!!

"Make Wyll worse. Make him turn evil. Make him want revenge or to hurt other people, just like the other characters. That would fix him. That would make him interesting."

Wrong. Wrong. Very wrong.

Make Wyll worse. Make him continually sacrifice his comfort for the safety of others. Let him constantly put himself last in his goal to make the world a better place. Watch him erase his sense of self for a heroic mask that exists to make others feel comfortable and at ease around him. Have Wyll grind away at himself day after day after day until there is nothing left for him to give. The only worse Wyll I want to see is one who continually sets himself on fire to keep others warm.

I cannot fucking wait until this idea that just because someone is good/kind/helpful then they must be infantile/naive/boring dies. No, being a nihilistic pessimist is not more interesting or whatever, especially when there are already characters in BG3 that fulfill that role.

AFTG feels wholesome to me because of this

Listen this series isn't perfect but one thing that stood out to me form early on that I just was SO HAPPY ABOUT is that (some of) the characters actually, genuinely, unquestioningly respect each other's boundaries. Like from day one, Wymak makes sure that Neil knows he has space to change in privacy, without making a big deal about it. Betsy doesn't force any of her patients to talk about anything. The foxes don't interrogate Neil’s weirdo habits or his desire for privacy, even when they’re suspicious. When Andrew says he doesn't want to be touched, people actually don't touch him (although that may be in part from their desire to not be stabbed). It genuinely made me kind of emotional when the Foxes went to the away game and made sure that Neil would have a private place to change, without him even having to ask. Not only do they respect his boundaries, but they remember them. Maybe I'm just used to characters in fiction getting disrespected, or having it portrayed as “healthy” for other characters to push their boundaries and force them into things they’re not ready for and its framed as a good thing. The way comradery is written in this series is incredible. I may have genuinely never seen a better example of mutual understanding in action.

(we're just going to ignore the drugging, threats, room-searching, unwarranted sexual comments by Nicky, and such. These people are messed up but my point still stands)

What I like about the Dryad Test scene (Astarion romance spoilers)

So I haven't done any other character's romance yet, but I want to talk about the brilliance of Astarion's version of the “romance test” scene in the circus. While I do think it was a missed opportunity to show a little more vulnerable reaction when you first call him forward to do the test (calling him the "one you love"), before he covers it up with his usual mask, I think this is a beautifully subtle scene overall. Which is impressive given how indulgent it is. The whole premise is that you full well know the true answers to the questions, but if you want to make him happy and comfortable, you wont give them. He’s clearly uncomfortable with you bringing up personal information in front of an audience, even if it’s to correctly answer the question. He obviously isn’t taking the test seriously at all, and is doing it more to just have fun and mess around. As much as I adore sincerity, this scene is just so in-character for Astarion I can't be mad at it. You’re showing him how well you know him *by* answering incorrectly, because you know *that’s* what he wants. You're showing that you know him, and you don't need to prove it. While it would have been fun and cute to just have a little moment here that plays right into the dryad's game without any twists, this execution of the scene suits Astarion's current emotional state so much better, and makes it more engaging. The story doesn't just pander to the player, no matter how indulgent Astarion seems as a character. He’s imperfect and struggling a lot, and the player needs genuine patience to see the real him in those rare moments when he lets the mask fall.

He’s been making some very slow changes throughout the game up to this point, and he’s still grappling with that. It’s obvious that even he doesn't really understand or want to face his feelings and how he’s changed, as he’s unwilling to even put a label on his relationship with the player character at this point. He’s all about using his mask as a shield, and so the times we’ve seen behind it have been insanely vulnerable by his standards; private moments meant to stay between the two of you. So of course he wouldn't like it if you just bring up his deepest feelings in a public setting all for some silly carnival activity. He’s also very much the type to say: “like I need a dryad to tell me how I feel”, when prompted with the game in the first place. He probably only agreed because the player wanted to, and he wanted to just have a bit of a laugh. It’s not that he doesn't have genuine feelings for the character, but rather that he has no clue how to handle them. He’s probably holding back a lot at this point in the story, and it probably scares him that he’s getting so attached to someone. Someone that could be taken from him. He probably sees that as a weakness that Cazdor could exploit to hurt him even more, and so his  natural instinct would be to keep everything close to his chest. Orin’s line about Gortash using our connection as a noose by which to hang us probably illustrates his fears perfectly. It’s scary when you have feelings beyond your control, and given that he probably hasn't felt this way about someone in as long as he can remember, if ever, he’s probably even more unnerved. This subtle internal struggle is perfectly illustrated in this scene. At this point in the story overall, he’s confused, on edge, afraid, angry, but also maybe the slightest bit hopeful for the first time in a long time, because of the player. 

The best part is that his instincts about not wanting his personal information shared with a stranger is justified, as Orin shows up to ruin the fun. Apparently in early versions of the game, its at this point that she would kidnap the player’s romanced companion, but apparently play testers hated that (this is just what I've heard). It would be so neat, even though I'd panic and drop everything to hunt her down. That sinking feeling when Orin reveals herself is only magnified if you answer the “true” options during the love test, because now one of our greatest enemies has critical information that could be used to hurt our loved one. 

Anyway I just love how subversive this scene is because of who Astarion is as a person, and how it illustrates the unique bond he has with the player character. His reactions are so cute when you give answers that he likes (like saying what he wants most is revenge, or that most things fear *him*, actually). This is a rare moment when it seems like he's actually having fun. It's just two idiots in love messing around, and that's important.

(This is all just my interpretation. Feel free to disagree)

As an autistic person in the US, it makes me sick that people who are supposed to be leading this country feel comfortable saying and doing the things they do. It's scary and revolting and grossly anti-science and anti-humanity. There should be absolutely no place in this country (or world) for that. People should never have to defend their existence and validity. I'm so tired of this garbage but we need to show up for one another.

I don't live in the US, but I wanted to express solidarity and support to all autistic people who do.

Paying taxes or playing baseball have never been the measure of humanity. All autistic people, regardless of what they can or cannot do, regardless of the level of their need for support, deserve respect.

Also if you're protesting today, please please stay safe.

I’ve been trying to get some good dialogue scene screenshots of Astarion, and my field research suggests that he has these modes only: 

Literal model

"Depraved carnal lust"

Sad cat

Actual gremlin

No longer using the idiom "elephant in the room". From now on it's "let's address the exsanguinated boar in the room"

“What if I write it and it’s bad-”

WHAT IF YOU WRITE IT AND ITS GOOD? WHAT IF YOU WRITE IT AND ITS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED? WHAT THEN????