Batman Gets Frustrated With Red Hood One Night And Automatically Just Yells In His Most 'Angry Dad Voice'-

The recent Shinji/Ichigo week has got me wondering, how would Swinging Pendulum go if Shinji and Ichigo had been more than friends before the time travel? Either in a romantic/sexual relationship or something less quantifiable (queer-platonic?). (How would things go if Shinji got punted back too, I wonder?)

One of the ideas for ShinIchi Week that I came up with originally was actually a time travel fic for Shinji and Ichigo back to TBTP Era that might’ve eventually become UraShinIchi but I lost interest pretty early on. I can give you the few lines of dialogue I wrote for it though? It’s really not much but I did save it just in case I want to write an actual fic for it one day.

Working Summary: No one understands what is going on when Fifth Division captain Hirako Shinji disappears for a week, only to come back with an orange-haired Shiba in tow, demote his current lieutenant, and then promptly co-opt said Shiba into the position instead.

“You realize I haven’t even been through the Academy, right? So I’m pretty sure this is like ten kinds of illegal.”

“Eh, I’m old enough ta ask for favours from the fogies up top, and low-maintenance enough that I haven’t asked for much over the years. Don’t worry; they might kick up a fuss, but they’ll fold in the end.”

“WHERE DID YOU FIND HIM?!”

“FOR THE LAST TIME, KAIEN, IN RUKONGAI, NOW WOULD YA STOP YELLIN’?!”

“I want to talk to him.”

“Yeah, well, he doesn’t wanna talk ta you. And I don’t blame him. Who wants ta talk ta the creep stalkin’ him twenty-four/seven?”

“He’s obviously family!”

“…You and I have very different definitions of family, Kaien. Seriously, get outta my office. Don’t ya have work ta do?”

“Of all the things I thought we would have trouble dealin’ with, I didn’t think it would be your face, handsome.”

“Fuck you too, Shinji. At least I don’t trip over my own hair.”

“IT’S BEEN A HUNDRED YEARS SINCE I HAD THIS HAIRSTYLE, I’D LIKE TA SEE YOU DO BETTER.”

“You don’t let other people touch your hair. You’re downright anal about it.”

“Ichigo’s different. Obviously.”

“…You realize he’s sleeping with at least one other captain too, right? I wasn’t going to bring it up, but if you’re this serious about it, and as a friend, I feel like I should warn-”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Huh?”

“I said you’re an idiot. Also oblivious. An oblivious idiot.”

“Hey! I’m trying to save you some heartbreak here, asshole!”

Short snippet from the Bleach I Knew You AU.

But before I begin. *Insert deep sigh here.*

Secretlypansexualmango, if you see this, it was supposed to be a response to your ask. Unfortunately, it took a hard left-turn and ended up in. Uraichi shipping territory? Look, IDK, I'm asexual, I don't get it either. Anyway, since I don't know your shipping preferences and don't want to accidentally respond to your ask with something that squiks you, I will be officially responding to your ask in another post that is less likely to be unexpectedly unpalatable. Thank you for your patience, and, uh, I hope this doesn't turn you off the au! (*laughs nervously*)

Without further ado, the snippet:

Breaking into the Shiba family grounds is easy. By sheer comparison, breaking into Shiba Ichigo’s room specifically is almost a challenge, but it’s not anything that Kisuke hasn’t planned for.

The strange, modified kido, and the odd wards Ichigo has placed, are simple to bypass with a bit of fancy footwork and precisely-timed counter-kido. It’s practically child’s play to get past them, now that he's roughly figured out how they work and where they all are.

His job is made even easier by the fact that, for some reason, Kisuke’s spiritual pressure doesn’t wake Ichigo up. Quite the opposite, in fact. He seems to sleep deeper when Kisuke is nearby and has let Benihime out a little.

He has theories about that.

He’s tired of them being theories.

He’s here to get evidence.

Kisuke bypasses the final seal and slides Ichigo’s window open, slipping into his room. He lets his spiritual pressure permeate the air a little thicker than he would in normal company, and as expected, Ichigo’s spiritual pressure slows down as he falls further into slumber.

… And Kisuke is supposed to believe that the first time they met was two months ago? When this is Ichigo’s reaction to his presence? When Ichigo is one of the most paranoid people Kisuke, an ex-onmi agent, has ever encountered?

Kisuke is a genius. He doesn’t need to be in order to see the flaw in that logic.

Kisuke steps further into the room, gliding softly over the old wood floorboards. He pauses in the middle, taking a moment to debate where to start.

Well. Why not with the simplest?

He’s caught it a few times, the barest trace of his own power lingering around Ichigo. A fascinating phenomenon, when he can’t recall a single time he’s drawn shikai around him, let alone used enough power to leave a long-lasting trace.

He draws closer to Ichigo’s bed, until he could reach out and touch him if he wished.

Ichigo breathes deeply, evenly, no sign of waking up. At some point, his covers ended up half kicked-off. Possibly from the heat, probably from nightmares. Regardless of the reason, Kisuke can’t help but think that he looks strangely fragile this way, surrounded by the evidence of his restlessness.

He puts a hand on the the hilt of his soul-partner. “Awaken, Benihime,” he murmurs.

She stirs within him, gently, in a way that is oh so rare. Like the softest, most gradual of ocean tides, she rises, her fragrance of wet iron washing through the air around them.

And together, channeling her power through his eyes, they see.

Glowing crimson threads that they have no recollection of weaving wrap protectively, lovingly, around Ichigo. A thin but strong filament, sewn through the skin from just below Ichigo’s ear all the way to his opposite shoulder, sutures closed what must have once been a deadly throat wound. Another one, obviously originally meant to keep shut a gash down the length of Ichigo’s forearm, keeps it companion.

And beyond the battlefield sutures there are more threads. Hundreds of intangible and deceptively thin and absolutely unbreakable strands of Benihime’s power wrap around Ichigo, crisscrossing over themselves — around his throat and across his face and down his torso and up his arms, visible wherever his bare flesh is exposed — seemingly serving no purpose.

Benihime’s power surges at the sight, a hot delight running through her as she sees Ichigo so thoroughly caught in her webs. Kisuke’s fingers suddenly, urgently ache with the urge to touch, to tighten, to add more.

Soul King.

No purpose other than, it seems, to satiate their own possessiveness.

Kisuke exhales a shaking breath. Closes his eyes for a brief moment. Gets the heat in his blood under control.

No purpose other than to alert themselves, perhaps? Did they know that one day they wouldn't recognize Ichigo anymore, and left this as a clue?

(And oh, what a clue. What a clue it is.)

He lets Benihime’s power fade, taking his hand away from her hilt. He’s self-aware enough to know when he needs to stop tempting himself, and he’s gotten the evidence he came for — far better proof than he could have ever anticipated.

He takes a step back, and the motion is the most unnatural thing he’s done in a long, long time.

He has questions. He has a few theories, too. Amnesia, caused by a very specific type of parasitic hollow. Dimension travel. Time travel. He doesn’t have enough information yet to figure out which is most likely, but he has finally confirmed beyond doubt that Ichigo is his, has been his, and something tried to steal that from him.

Fury flares within him, burning through his veins, and he can’t do this right here.

He takes another step back, this one just as unnatural as the last.

He can’t ask, yet. He can’t get closer, can’t wake Ichigo up with a soft hand on his cheek, can’t tell him that he’s there now, can’t promise him to take care of it all if he would just let him in again.

No.

Shiba Ichigo is in the middle of a chess game — a dangerous one, a complicated one — and Kisuke can’t see the whole board yet. Tipping his own hand might trigger a whole plethora of traps, including another round of amnesia, and he refuses to risk the knowledge he’s regained.

He will have to be careful. He will have to move cautiously.

He casts one last look at Ichigo, lets his eyes trace over that delicate throat that he now knows almost bled out. That delicate throat that had to be held together with Benihime’s webs. That delicate throat that he doesn’t remember stitching back together, despite the fact that he used his bankai to do it.

He was made to unknow a person he loves. He was made to unknow a war. He was made to unknow the fact that danger lurks still in the shadows of Soul Society.

He will know the end of this game. And Ichigo will learn that there is no universe in which Kisuke does not protect what’s his.

Kisuke turns. Takes another unnatural step away from his favorite, infuriating puzzle. And then he wrenches himself out of the room, out into the night, closing the window behind him and leaving as unnoticed as he had come.

from twt

Please tell us more about slutty virgin Steve there is not enough of him

Slutty virgin Steve:

Has been in love with Bucky Barnes since 1934, but was always to afraid to act on it/say anything re: Bucky is a ladies man and homosexuality was very much a crime.

Wakes up in the twenty-first century and is still Very Gay, but he doesn’t /do/ anything about it because 1) he has conditioned himself to be quiet and private about his preferences and 2) to him, Bucky died, like, three days ago.

Jerks off to thoughts of being smol again and Bucky pinning him down and fucking his mouth. Is very sad afterwards.

OOP BUCKY’S ALIVE 

Bucky’s alive and he comes home and he spends some time recovering in the apartment he shares with Steve now, etc etc, anyways.

Bucky is alive and Bucky is... a Grade A Beefcake. Steve’s sad jerking off becomes guilty jerking off, but it’s more than that, because now Bucky is constantly around and he’s wearing sweatpants that ride too low on his hips and Bucky likes wifebeater tanks and Steve’s horny level has been turned up to eleven (11).

Steve is only sneaky and quiet when he’s on the battlefield.

Steve is neither sneaky nor quiet when he is experimenting with fingerfucking himself in the shower.

Bucky is a good listener—especially when people are actively saying his name out loud. 

(Steve showers, and Bucky listens.)

(Bucky also finds a new, unfamiliar razor in said shower. A smattering of little black dark blond curlies clings to it. Bucky thinks about Steve shaving himself smooth and testing the new grounds with the tips of his own fingers and biting his lips until they’re as red as his cheeks and Bucky fucks his own fist and paints the shower wall.)

Steve shops online for dildos on his tablet, but he can never bring himself to check out his shopping cart, too much internalized shame, too scared someone will find out.

Steve has considered exploring phallic objects that do not come from adam and eve dot com, but 1) zucchinis do not have a flared base, and Steve thinks safety is Very Important and would literally have to off himself if Bucky had to drive him to the ER because he got a squash stuck in his rectum, and 2) Steve grew up in the Depression. Steve does not waste food.

So Steve shameshops for dildos online, buys zero (0) dildos.

Steve is bad at browser security. 

Steve and Bucky share a tablet.

Bucky checks out the shopping cart.

A package arrives one day from a nondescript sender, and it is addressed to Steve’s attention. Bucky picks it up and takes it into the kitchen.

“Package for you, Stevie.”

“Oh? Okay, um. Don’t remember ordering anything...”

“Open it then. Find out.”

“Uh, yeah. Okay.”

(Bucky files it away in his mind to scold Steve later—ten spanks should do it—for being an idiot who opens strange packages just because big, beefy soldiers hand them to him)

“Whatcha got there, Stevie?”

“It’s... um... I don’t think they had the right—”

“Show me.”

“... No.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s not mine.”

“What’s not yours?”

“This. All of it. I think someone played a prank on me.”

“Just show me, Steve.”

“I. I don’t want to.”

“Are you really saying that everything in that box—whatever it is—is totally unfamiliar to you? You’ve never seen it before?”

“...Yes.”

“...”

“That is what I am saying.”

“...”

“...”

“Steve?”

“... Yeah, Buck?”

“Do you want to take me up to your bedroom and show off what the mailman brought you?”

***

(It’s dildos.)

(The mailman brought dildos.)

[x]

For Guard: Are you planning on doing anything from Ichigo's POV, a scene or anything? Yoru-nee's reaction to what Kisuke did to Aizen? Does Kisuke get a medal or reward for LITERALLY tearing Aizen apart?

Hmm, well I did a bit of Ichi POV in the snippet before this one (an age and a half ago) even tho it was mostly Yoru talking. Yoru really just takes the whole Kisuke with bankai in stride, she knows Ichigo won’t stand for it if she tries to shanghai him into anything he doesn’t want, and she’s clan head enough to want to keep a Shihouin resource within the clan. And Kisuke’s not really one for medals/rewards (and honestly when is the Gotei/government ever prone to giving out rewards for services rendered), he’d much rather keep his abilities under wraps. But here’s a little something of Ichi and Kisuke discussing some of the fallout.

Edit: Uhhh the discussion devolved into really pointless UraIchi fluff sorry?

Pinglist: @yoshifics @bewarethemandragora @runeofluna @selenedreamwalker @hypnos28 @verticallychallengedintrovert @fandommaniac2401 @lovingempress @cynthia-of-the-wallflowers @shadowsofmoonracer @pairp @warriorofbooks @charlottedabookworm @lyra689 @sheyrenawyrsabane @sora-the-empress @xadriannax @yumeniai @arrysa @lirial89-fanfiction @skysong246 @caiahat @grimreaper19 @arosethornbyanyothername @mtkiseki @kaminoko-x @nesskyru @tatarako @parklena42 @zibeth-a @aerdnanocte @timegrenades @healingmichiko @shiko-rae @soraofmelody @fandoms-make-the-world-go-round @north-peach @yannilicious @wolfsrainrules @franticchanges @tremendouslyminiaturequeen @nesomoxian @snowspine @moon6shadow-main @naramyon @presumenothing @miralifox @nonbinary-hawke @dejunco @yuzukimist @raz-ia @13oddballbooks @soundofwonderland @ryuutsuki-kun @alyss-spazz-penedo 

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What if: Both Ichigo and Urahara were booted back in time in the Swinging Pendulum universe?

Notes: Idk if I’ll continue this later (once those later SP canon parts are written). But I was in an UraIchi mood, and I’ve been trying to write some more of SP so here’s hoping this helps me get past that writer’s block.

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Have a Bleach extended-winter-war time-travel-fix-it idea. In this AU Kaien's death happened before the whole turn-back-the-pendulum arc. (Yes, another Bleach time-travel AU, I know, shut up.)

As Ichigo and Kisuke are planning to go back to the past, Kisuke makes sure to emphasize to Ichigo that they have to protect Shiba Kaien. Apparently, it's of the utmost importance.

Ichigo doesn't know exactly how Kaien's continued well-being plays into saving the future. Kisuke never really explains it, or gives him a straight answer when he asks. But Ichigo knows that the Shiba Clan-Head carried a great deal of political power, and Ichigo also knows that Kaien -- according to Kukaku and Rukia -- was highly competent, incredibly noble, and fundamentally kind. It's not exactly unintuitive that a person like that could be important to bringing down Aizen.

So Ichigo listens, when Kisuke tells him to protect Shiba Kaien. He memorizes how Kaien died in the original timeline. He's attentive as Kisuke reiterates for the thousandth time that Aizen will keep trying to assassinate Kaien until he succeeds. He takes notes when Kisuke hypothesizes about what Aizen's various assassination attempts might look like -- poison during a meal, hired assassins at night, an ambush during a mission.

Ichigo ingrains the assignment into his core: protect Shiba Kaien, because if Kaien falls, the mission fails.

So when Kisuke slips a paralytic into Ichigo's tea and places Ichigo in the middle of the time-travel kido array and drains the entirety of his own spiritual energy to activate the array, a sacrifice that Ichigo never would have agreed to--

Well. The first thing Ichigo does when he arrives back in the past, numb and alone and only able to function by focusing on the duty that is his purpose -- is track down Shiba Kaien.

After all, if Ichigo is going to kill Aizen -- and he is, no matter what it takes -- he needs to keep Kaien alive.

Ichigo goes straight to the Shiba family grounds. In true Shiba fashion, they accept him immediately as family. They tend to his wounds and give him a meal and welcome him home. They let him get away with his weak excuses and explanations, and they defend his presence to the rest of Soul Society.

Kaien, in accordance with everything Ichigo has heard about the man, personally takes the newest addition to the family under his wing.

Ichigo's plans to deal with Aizen take shape around his need to keep an eye on Kaien.

Ichigo, instead of running as far and fast as he can from the Shiba clan, accepts the offer to live in the Shiba compound. He gets to know every clan member and retainer, subtly vetting for traitors. He sleeps in a room near Kaien's, allowing him to both guard against assassins at night and place warding runes around Kaien's door without having to worry about being caught somewhere he has no business being.

He joins the Court Guard in the 13th division instead of the 5th, because the only real way to protect Kaien on a mission is to be there with him. Ichigo knows that if there's an ambush, or if the mission details have been tampered with, he'll be more than enough fire power to get Kaien out of it. And it's easy to always get paired with Kaien; Kaien -- reliably taking every opportunity to hover around Ichigo that he's offered -- does most of the work, leveraging his status as lieutenant and Ichigo's combat ability to keep them together.

Ichigo finds himself frequently taking meals with Kaien and Kaien's friends. Kaien always invites Ichigo, and Ichigo accepts so he can subtly check the food for poison.

(Ichigo does not tell Kaien about Aizen. Ichigo is still unsure what Kaien's role is in the whole fight, and in the meantime, telling him about Aizen is a sure way to get him killed.)

Things heat up. Ichigo prevents both Miyako and Kaien's death, killing Metastacia before it can hurt anyone. Ichigo's shadow war against Aizen gets more intense. Ichigo sneaks out regularly to dismantle Aizen's illusions, destroy his labs, and attack his network of power, slowly weakening him.

Ichigo waits for the assassination attempts against Kaien, but they don't come, even several weeks after Metastacia fails. Ichigo takes it as a sign that he's got Aizen distracted.

Things continue for a while. Ichigo falls into a strange routine.

(And Ichigo tries not to break, seeing so many of his loved ones alive and unknowing of him. It is agony, to be around Shunsui, who is not his mentor, and the Visored, who are neither visored nor pack.

But the worst is when Captains Urahara and Shihouin catch on to his war against Aizen. He finds himself working with them as allies.

Allies. Mere allies, instead of --

Well. Not that it matters anymore.

All that matters is his duty.)

Time passes. Aizen weakens. There are no attempts on Kaien's life yet.

And then Aizen's web has unraveled enough for Ichigo to attack.

It's a long battle. It's a bloody battle. It's a very public battle.

Ichigo wins.

And it's only after it's all over -- after Aizen's crimes are revealed and Soul Society is at peace and the future is saved; after Ichigo finds himself still alive and adrift, with nothing left obligating him to keep going and everything telling him to give up; as Kaien refuses to leave Ichigo alone and escorts him to regular appointments with Unohana and forces him to talk about the truth of his past --

It's only then that it clicks.

Ichigo is whispering secrets about the future into Kaien's chest, Kaien's arms wrapped tight around him, when Ichigo confesses that he messed up, that he put the Shiba clan in unnecessary danger. Ichigo tells Kaien about his death in the original timeline. He talks about how Kisuke told him that in this timeline, Aizen would try and kill Kaien again if the first attempt failed. Ichigo promises desperately that he never would have sought out the family -- would have kept the danger far, far away from them -- if he hadn't thought he had to watch Kaien's movements so closely.

And Ichigo admits that Aizen never actually tried again. Ichigo admits that he and Kisuke miscalculated, that Ichigo brought danger to the Shiba's doorstep for nothing.

It happens like this:

First, the words leave his lips, "Kisuke" and "miscalculated" in the same sentence. Hearing himself say it lays bare the absurdity of its premise.

Then, Kaien draws away slightly, to look Ichigo in the eyes. Ichigo sees, plain on Kaien's face, a terrible, damning gratefulness.

Then, Kaien says -- fierce and defiant in the face of what could have been -- "I am so glad you came home."

And it clicks. At last, Kisuke's final manipulation reveals itself to Ichigo's eyes.

The emotions flash through him: the sting of betrayal; a flavor of love that bursts across his tastebuds as hurt; a familiar brand of exasperation that, a split second later, has his knees giving out under the weight of old pain made fresh.

Kaien catches Ichigo before he hits the ground and holds him as he shatters. And Ichigo can barely breathe through the knowledge that Kisuke would have been so smug to see them.

A sob rips itself from Ichigo's chest, and it's followed by another, and another.

Ichigo's older cousin holds him, in the home of their family, through it all.

_________

THE END except not really.

This must immediately be followed by a whole arc where Kaien, much to his own dismay, finds himself trying to hook Urahara up with his little cousin.

After all, Future-Urahara sent Ichigo to the Shiba clan. Future-Urahara tricked his little cousin into bypassing his own self-destructive tendencies to seek out family and love and support. Clearly, Urahara would actually be good for Ichigo.

And, you know, Ichigo clearly loves Younger-Urahara, judging by Ichigo's whole... well, everything, whenever the two interact.

(This whole matchmaking endeavor is made easier by the fact that 1) Kisuke is already infatuated, fascinated, and not a tiny-bit madly in love, and 2) Yoruichi is also, from the other end, trying to set Kisuke up with Ichigo.

This whole endeavor is made more difficult by the fact that 1) Ichigo is in denial that he loves this younger Kisuke since he never thought this younger Kisuke could also fall in love with him, 2) Kisuke is in denial that he loves Ichigo because that is a Shiba and he himself is a creepy low-born ex-assassin mad-scientist, and 3) neither Ichigo nor Kisuke know what it looks like when someone is interested in them.)

Poor Kaien. He succeeds eventually, but not before witnessing truly legendary social ineptitude.

The whole Bat-Family situation becomes both much funnier and much more concerning when you understand that it’s not a case of Batman’s adopted kids deciding to go into the family business. At least half of the Bat-kids were already costumed vigilantes of some description at the time that Bruce Wayne entered their orbit. Gotham City has a child vigilantism problem. This is what Batman has to deal with.

I'm obsessed with beefcake!Bucky's thick muscular abs/waist. It's just. SO BIG AND TONED I CANT TAKE MY EYES OFF OF IT. And I love that Bucky's big where Steve's small even after the serum. Like waist. Or thighs. THOSE THIGHS. Just. Ugh. I bet Steve (and Bucky too) love these differences between their bodies either. Right???

unf, GOD, yes. You are on my level, Nani.

I mean, they’re of a similar height now and I’d say their shoulder width is around the same but other than that? Steve’s still so much smaller!

Imagine him in Bucky’s clothes. Shuffling around the kitchen in Bucky’s pajama bottoms, still half-asleep and seemingly oblivious to the collective stare of his teammates on him. Everyone watching the way those pants slide low on his hips because of how tiny his waist is in comparison to Bucky’s.

Sam griping, “dear god, put a shirt on before Stark has a coronary; it’s seven am, Rogers, people can’t deal with this,” and then face-palming when Steve comes back wearing one of Bucky’s big sweaters.

Fits him near perfect around the shoulders but too big everywhere else.

…I’m now imagining this in the oblivious-couple/bedsharing universe and my heart eyes are strong.

Bedsharing and snuggling and clothes-sharing, oh my. *_________*

random bleach time travel inccorect quotes from an AU I will probably never write (Ichigo becomes soul king post tybw cause yhwach body doesn’t hold up and then time travels to the Turn back the pendulm era for reasons I’m too lazy to explain)

Ichigo joined Squad 6 under Ginrei Kuchiki in this AU

…

Ichigo: *likes sitting in the sun, hates the rain, touch starved but still prickly enough to pretend he doesn’t like it ‘cause he was soul king for three years and barely had any proper human contact for all that time, has weird eyes and other weird traits from his hollow*

Hiyori + Kaien: *spying on him*

Ichigo: *straight hissed at someone who got to close when he was injured*

Hiyori: *ticks something else off on the list of reasons why Ichigo might be a cat in human form*

Yoruichi, the real cat shapeshifter:

…

Love: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?

Ichigo: Plane tickets?

Shinji: Concert tickets?

Lisa: Prostitution?

Love, holding holding his broken sunglasses: Glasses.

…

Hollowified!Shinji: *Screams*

Hollowified!Hiyori: *Screams louder to assert dominance*

Kisuke, concerned: Should we do something?!

Ichigo, observing: *thinking back to his hollow training and how much the Visored fucked with him for fun*

Ichigo: Nah, I want to see who wins this.

…

Kensei: Dammit, Mashiro!

Mashiro: What?! It wasn’t me!

Kensei: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Shinji!

Shinji: Not me either.

Kensei: Oh…Then who destroyed the entire training ground?

Ichigo + Kaien who thought it would be fun to spar but went a little too far: 

…

Ichigo: *Gently taps table*

Kaien: *Taps back*

Hiyori: What are they doing?

Kisuke: Morse code.

Ichigo: *Aggressively taps table*

Kaien: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

…

*Lieutenants on a mission*

Kaien: I think we’re missing something.

Lisa: Teamwork?

Hiyori: Cohesion?

Ichigo: A general sense of what the fuck we’re doing?

Kaien: … Where’s Mashiro?

Mashiro: *fighting a bear in a forest three districts away*

Lisa:

Hiyori:

Ichigo: … Fuck

Kensei: *in Squad 9 barracks* I  S E N S E  A  D I S T U R B A N C E

…

Shinji: Tonight, one of you has betrayed us.

Kisuke: Is it me?

Shinji: No, it’s not you.

Tessai: Is it me?

Shinji: It’s not you either.

Aizen: Is it me, Captain?

Shinji, dying because of Hollowification:

Shinji, mockingly: Is IT mE CaPTaIN?

…

Kyouraku: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Kisuke: I’ve been dissociating for the past two and a half hours.

Ukitake: I got distracted about halfway through.

Lisa: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

…

Ichigo: Can I be frank with you guys?

Kaien: *confused* Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Mashiro: Can I still be Mashiro?

Shinji: Shh, let Frank speak.

Ichigo: 

Ichigo: *lunges at Shinji*

…

Ichigo: *trying not to laugh* Tell Kensei about the birds and the bees.

Mashiro: *serious* They’re disappearing at an alarming rate

…

Yoruichi: Soifon, keep an eye on Kisuke today. He’s going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Soifon: Sure, I’d love to see Urahara get punched.

Yoruichi: Try again.

Soifon, sighing: I will stop Urahara from getting punched

…

*The Visored+ Hollowified!Kaien is getting into a car*

Ichigo: *the only one who know how to drive* I’m driving

Mashiro, out of view: Shotgun!

Kaien, turning to face Mashiro: Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Mashiro: WOAH-

Mashiro, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

…

Lisa: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?

Hiyori: *turning to Shinji* How tall are you?

…

Kaien: 

Ichigo:

Kaien: In my defense–

Ichigo: You have no defense you let Byakuya meet Gin

Kaien: but–

Ichigo: Byakuya. The same cocky shit that tries to fight anything that moves fast enough. And Gin. The creepy shit that thought it was a good idea to work with megalomaniac rather than talk to people

Kaien: You don’t have any room to talk about bad communication but in hindsight it wasn’t my greatest idea–

Ichigo: understatement of the century

Kaien: But I was bored and you have to admit it was a little funny

Ichigo: 

Ichigo: *covering his face because the sight of baby Byakuya getting punted into the Kuchiki Koi pond by baby Gin was actually hilarious but he refuses to admit it* I hate you

…

Kensei: I sometimes drink milk straight out of the container

Mashiro: the COW?

Kensei:

…

Kisuke: You have to apologize to Shinji

Hiyori: Fine.

Hiyori: ‘Unfuck you’ or whatever.

…

Kaien: I told Ichigo his ears turn red when he lies

Mashiro: Why?

Kaien: So I can do this

Kaien: Hey, Ichigo! Do you love us?

Ichigo, covering his ears: No.

Mashiro: Aw, Berry-tan

Ichigo: Shut up, seaweed brain!

…

*Shinji and Kisuke sitting in jail together*

Shinji: So who should we call?

Kisuke: I’d call Hiyori, but I feel safer in jail

…

Shinji: Hey, how old are you?

Ichigo: Twenty-four–

Ichigo *remembers that the soul society doesn’t have the same age system*

Ichigo: two hundered

Shinji: 

Shinji, concerned: did you just say–

Ichigo, nervously: TWO HUNDRED

…

Shinji: What do you think Ichigo will do for a distraction?

Kaien: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*several building explode due to Getsuga Tensho*

Kaien: … or he could do that.

…

Kisuke: I know you’re a time traveler, Kurosaki-san

Ichigo: (Play dumb!)

Ichigo: Who’s Kurosaki?

Ichigo: (NOT THAT DUMB!!!)

…

Love: What’s a word thats a mix between 'sad’ and 'mad’?

Kensei: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-

Mashiro: Smad

Kaien: Ichigo

Ichigo:…

…

Shinji: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Kensei: You’re a hazard to society

Hiyori: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

…

Ichigo, babysitting: Violence isn’t the answer.

Byakuya: You’re right.

Ichigo: *sighs in relief*

Byakuya, reaching for a brick: Violence is the question.

Ichigo: What?

Byakuya, running to hit Gin on the head with a brick: And the answer is yes.

Ichigo, running after him: NO-

Ginrei, watching the chaos while drinking tea: … Today’s a beautiful day

…

Kisuke: *Accidentally hits Hiyori in the face*

Kisuke: *Trying to decide between saying 'I’m fucking sorry’ and 'Are you okay’*

Kisuke: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!

Hiyori, confused: What’s wrong with you?!

Shinji: *wheezing in the background*

…

Ichigo: Can you please be serious for five minutes?

Mashiro: My record is four, but I think I can do it.

…

Kaien: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Mashiro: They do.

Ichigo: … Why did you say that with such certainty?

…

Shinji: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

…

Kisuke: I’d like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

…

Kaien: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Ichigo: Killed without hesitation.

Kaien: No.

…

Kisuke: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Ichigo: What did you do?

Kisuke: Nobody died.

Ichigo: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

…

Kaien, euphoric from his date with Miyako: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.

Kukaku: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

…

Aizen, trying to be friends with Ichigo b4 he died: I made tea.

Ichigo: I don’t want tea.

Aizen: I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.

Ichigo: Then why are you telling me?

Aizen: It is a conversation starter.

Ichigo: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Aizen: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

Ichigo:

Ichigo: *two seconds away from a homicide

…

Mashiro: what is it called when you kill your friend

Ichigo: Amicicide

Kensei: Murder

Mashiro: Homiecide

…

Ichigo: *looks like Kaien and Isshin*

Kaien: *suspicious but has no proof*

Ichigo, lying becuase he doesn’t want to deal with the emotions that come with seeing Isshin again: I’m not a Shiba

Ichigo: *uses Getsuga Tensho*

Kaien, throwing a table: oKAY, I CALL BULLSHIT

…

Ichigo: *having a chill day in Rukongai by himslef

baby Rukia, Renji, and their gang: *chased by a merchant they stole from*

Ichigo: 

Ichigo: *adopts them*

…

Okay, that’s more than enough for one post

Yes, Kaien is hollowfied here because I want him to be, yes, I really like adding animalistic traits to characters I love don’t ask me why

This is so much longer than I planned but it was too fun to stop