all of the sudden you’re twenty-nine, standing on the sidewalk barefoot before bed, and the crickets sound just like they did when you were seventeen, sleepless with the windows open. when you remember sadness ran through your body like a fever. nights you were so familiar with the dark—the kind you watched break into daylight around 5, and the kind of restless sinking that never quieted. you remember thinking long and hard through those unceasing nights, in the hidden journals written in your young handwriting, that you’d never live past 18. whether a goal or a prophecy, you weren’t sure, but something felt definite that this grief would be the thing to pull you under, if only hoping a small peace would follow.
the sidewalk is rough, but still warm under your feet. it’s been so long since you’ve thought about this; somehow both twelve years and a lifetime ago. the dog finishes sniffing around the trees and bounds back to you, a happy familiarity once he catches your eye. you’ll both go upstairs to the room you love and fall asleep, in the house you love and share with your best friend. tomorrow, you’ll spend the day laughing, fingers intertwined with your partner, in a loving relationship you’d have never imagined possible.
twelve years after. how easily you saw it over, and what friendships, trips and cross-country moves, published books, new talents, heartaches and bad hair cuts, gardens, and long indulgent breakfasts you’ve accomplished since. you forgot there was a time you couldn’t see yourself alive past eighteen. now, you can’t picture ever wanting to leave this.
“I’m not a villain!”
Spat darkly through gritted teeth;
Tears salting their cheek.
Crimson flash of pain
rusty orange dried blood
golden sun on sidewalk,
edged by mossy mud.
Clear blue rolling tears;
I crumple to my knees.
Indigo grows twilight
and violet my grief.
Santa Muerte, Our Lady of Holy Death
What makes a man
Is being gentle
When we’re irate
It’s being humble
When we are great
It’s finding love
Amongst the hate
What makes a man
Is supporting one another
Building each other up
Picking up the pieces
When everything goes toes up
It’s shaking hands
To heal rifts
It’s being generous
With our gifts
What makes a man
Is helping friends
And making amends
It’s recognizing mistakes
And fixing them with haste
Boys may fight
But men do what’s right
That’s what makes a man
Joyous tears, the river of progress, the trail ever on to freedom, the themes, the motifs, you get it.
The mile-long rainbow flag being carried down First Avenue in New York City.
Ambivalent, Brine, Crone, Delinquent, Ever, Fervent, Gallant, Hollow, Iridescent, Jagged, Kalimba, Loom, Mosaic, Null, Opal, Petrichor, Quasi, Rescind, Solve, Timber, Undulate, Verdant, Wind, Xylitol, Yearn, Zonal
I read of mangroves, coastal forest far away protection against monsoons, a gnarled seawall – nature standing up against its watery cousin who would sometimes threaten death when cousin cried and overflowed with tears.
But mangroves are far away, small black and white image printed on trees so far from arboreal, trunks whittled down and forced into a single, bleached dimension to serve such a purpose now as to show a photo of a mangrove.
Just as flat and white, but the moon seemed closer that night. Closer than mangroves and monsoons. Back down to this autumn scene, now the maples stand burning all crimson Maroon leaves.
Monsoon trees. There is life here and now, then there is life in pictures and words. Our minds catch both in one fell swoop and they dance together in their captive company, lightly stepping but sometimes intersecting in their closeness – the impossible twirling of stony boughs become a nest for the granite moon, immobile limbs graced with the agility of dreams. Fancy flying one thought to the other, closing the distance and realizing two worlds mingling in an elegant, chaotic embrace. Mangroves holding the harvest moon, from both the truth and I so far, but so beautiful.
The world may be in crisis, but the mulberries are ripe, and they taste just as good as ever.
The world may be in crisis, but the fireflies came out at dusk yesterday. And they will come out again tonight, and tomorrow, too.
The world may be in crisis. But today a breeze stirred my hair and cooled my face, and it eased the heat of the summer sun and I took a deep breath and I breathed.
The world may be in crisis, but a stranger smiled at me, and a dog found a good home, and a toddler told his baby sister he loved her.
The world may be in crisis, but the world still holds people who are working to heal it.
The world may be in crisis, but there is still a world. And the world contains us, the world contains love, the world contains beauty. And the mulberries are ripe.
There is still a world.