But Oh That 2%!

but oh that 2%!

I am genuinely, about 98% sure, that I will never experience true, permanent happiness.

mercy pt. 6

What would you do for someone you love? Would you lie for them? Steal? Would you kill for them?

(a story of seduction, sin, and crime in six parts)

disclaimer: i apologize for everything you are about to read and take full responsibility

part 1-5 here

“Can you please tell us what happened, Mr. Black?”

“I-I-wish I knew. I-is this how I’m going to spend the rest of my life? Wondering what happened to my wife?” Sirius stammered out, hands shaking as he gripped a cup of tea in the hospital waiting room, police surrounding him.

“Just tell us what you know, Mr. Black.”

“I came home with Harry—we spend Thursday nights together, it’s our little tradition, gave Petunia time to relax, take a bath have some time for herself—and when I went upstairs, noticed the bath was overdrawn. The carpets were wet and-and, oh god,” Sirius choked out, looking down at his hands, “I opened the door to the bath and there she was.”

“What time was this?”

“About 7:30.”

“And what happened then?”

“I hoped she was just knocked out,” Sirius said, “There was so much…so much blood. I called for the paramedics immediately, maybe they could do something? But I don’t know…it was too late…I-I don’t know anything else. I…That probably doesn’t help.”

“We’re sorry for your loss, Mr. Black. That’s all we need from you. It…was a tragic accident.”

Sirius looked up at the policemen, “That’s…it?”

“We needed a statement for the records, but there’s nothing to be done, Mr. Black. I wish you and your son well.”

Sirius watched the policemen walk out the double doors of the hospital.

How long was the appropriate amount of time to fake cry in a waiting room for your dead-pseudo-wife? If he left too soon would it be suspicious? If he stayed too long would it look like overcompensation?

The authorities were gone. Petunia was dead, her body already covered in a sheet and Sirius had signed whatever paperwork he needed to sign.

Harry was at Number Four Privet Drive, with wet carpets and a bathroom covered in blood from where Petunia had slipped.

Slipped on the water getting out of the bath.

An accident.

Her head hit the side of the sink as she fell.

Another accident.

Oops.

Sirius sat in front of the desk at the ministry of magic, Harry next to him, legs swinging from the chair as more paperwork was rifled through, the two of them waiting for some worker to return. It had been easier than Sirius thought, introducing Harry to a brand new world of magic. It had been…simple enough, to convince Harry to leave Number Four, and move into Number 12, not even blinking when Remus was there as well.

“So, I just…live with you now?”

“We have to sign some papers, kind of like how we did with your aunt? But over in the magical world.”

“Are they magic papers?”

“They are,” Sirius grinned, “They glow when everything’s complete.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Brilliant!”

“You know…you don’t…have to live with me, Harry,” Sirius told him, even if inside he hoped that Harry would agree to that as well; hoping he had been able to establish enough of a relationship with the boy that living with him wouldn’t be so…strange.

“No one else wants me.” Harry shrugged, “I dunno where I would go. Do…you not—”

“I want nothing more than to stay with you, Harry,” Sirius said, turning his head to look at his kid, reaching a handover and putting it on top of his knee gently to stop the fidgeting, “For however long. As long as you want. Just…you and me, kid.”

“What about the magic school?”

“You’ll go there, and…I’ll be there to pick you up on holiday's. And we’ll get a tree, and we’ll go to the seaside and make sandcastles and—”

“Can I ride on your bike?”

Sirius laughed, “Yeah, I’ll teach you to ride eventually. When you’re a bit bigger, I think.”

“Just..us?”

“Mhmm. Remus too. Is that okay?”

“That’s…that’s okay.” Harry nodded, “Thanks for asking…if it was okay, I mean.”

“With me, you get choices. I promise.”

“Why are you so nice—” Harry’s voice was cut off by the door of the office opening once more, a ministry worker appearing with a file of paperwork and a bright smile.”

“Let’s get this sorted, shall we?” she said, with an air of finality, as she opened the file.

Several signatures and explanations later, things were signed off on, Sirius for once thankful that wizarding laws pertaining to childcare, outside of blood magic, were fickle and flawed. Muggles certainly didn’t have it right when it came to household tasks or money storage—a bank account that anyone could just access if they knew your birthday?—but seemed to have protocol right for keeping children safe, Sirius recalling the interview he had to partake in when he legally adopted Harry in their world. But this was over with a wave of a wand, and Sirius and Harry walked out of the office together, returning back to Number 12.

Where Remus was waiting, pumpkin juice and chocolate cake ready in celebration.

Joy to be found in the midst of heartache, supposedly.

The silver lining.

Days later, the wards at Number 12 buzzed with magic, someone coming to disrupt the peace that had settled amidst the grief. Something that looked like buying Harry new bedsheets and letting him pick out the color for his room; giggles at muggle television shows that he wasn’t allowed to watch and far too much indulgence of ice cream (which was often not run by Sirius at all and was a side-effect of living with Remus Lupin). Sirius went to the door, wand in his hand, half of his mind still waiting for the other shoe to drop, even if he knew and he did know, that there was…nothing to be done.

Death was final, after all.

“Albus,” Sirius said shortly

“May I come in?”

“No. What do I owe the pleasure?”

“You’re surprised to see me here?”

“Yes, actually. And without a casserole, nonetheless. Didn’t you learn any manners?” Sirius asked

Albus nodded, “I…am sorry for your loss, Sirius. It’s…quite the twist of fate, isn’t it?”

“Hardly.”

Sirius met his eyes, blue twinkling back into grey.

“Seems…this all worked out well for you, Sirius.”

“My wife is dead, I wouldn’t call that working out well.”

“I didn’t know you and Petunia were close.”

“Don’t pretend you know a damn thing about me.”

Identical words had been said 3 years ago when Sirius was first let out of Azkaban. When he was first cleared of charges and unable to take custody of Harry. Because Sirius was irresponsible, Sirius needed to get his own life together, Sirius didn’t have blood magic on his side. Sirius remembered looking at all the faces of the wizengamot; the minister; Dumbledore, all of them looking down so they didn’t have to look Sirius in the eyes. Because ex-convict or not, there was no safer protection than Black magic, and they all knew it.

“May I come in? To say hello to Harry?”

“No, you may not.”

“The truth will reveal itself, Sirius. It always does.”

“What exactly are you saying, Albus?”

“The…coincidences are…peculiar. You’ve been in the right place at the right time for years now.”

“They checked my wand.”

“I don’t doubt that.”

“I was bowling, with Harry.”

“I don’t doubt that either.”

“The only thing I am guilty of is love. I didn’t know that constituted a crime of passion.”

“Love makes us do the unthinkable, doesn’t it?”

“Do the unthinkable? Like what? Kill her husband and son so I could marry her and adopt Harry? And then kill her? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? I’m trying to move on. I suggest you do too.”

“Sirius—”

“Have a nice day, Albus,” Sirius said, stepping backward and pulling the door shut, casting a few spells for good measure. He walked back down the halls of the house where Remus and Harry were sitting, reading a chapter book together, Harry looking at Remus with wide eyes.

“What did I miss?” Sirius asked, sitting down next to Harry.

“Only the best part!”

“The best part? Well, you have to read it again, Remus.”

“Who was at the door?” Remus asked

“Just…someone coming to pay their respects but…I told them we were okay. We don’t need anything, right?”

“I never want to eat pasta again,” Harry said and Sirius laughed wrapping his arm around Harry’s shoulder.

“Well…you’re lucky I love you so much. I’ll do anything to make sure you never eat pasta again.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“You were right,” Remus said, after Harry had gone to bed, tucked away in a bed at Number 12, the blood at Number Four Privet Drive still staining the bathroom tile. “How were you right?”

“I’ve been dating her. I married her. I knew everything about that woman. I made routines for that woman. Clumsy, isn’t she?” Sirius laughed, wiping a fingerprint off his glass.

“All I had to do was make a noise in the house..you extended the bathroom counter just the right amount and…she did the rest.” Remus held up his glass of champagne, “You clever bastard.”

“And the ministry will spend the rest of their lives trying to find out how I was involved…and they’ll find nothing.”

“Cheers, my love,” Remus said, and they hit their glasses together, toasting yet another successful murder.

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scatteredbeans

3 years ago

i hv always imagined (since the oh-so-overwhelming epiphany) what it would be like to just say the words...just say it out loud to my parents. i really felt it when sirius said, "i didn't know being gay was an option."

I felt that. i have been in denial of my sexuality for a very long time, so being able to say this rn, it feels good.

Broken Things

(when an anon asks for a bi-harry coming out moment...you write a bi-harry coming out moment to his two gay dads. I'm not sure if this is angsty enough but...'tis here.)

cw: for sexual identity exploration; coming out questions...teen angst about identity?

Because up until his fourth year at Hogwarts, Harry hadn't even thought about being gay. Because he took one look at Cho Chang and his head exploded, his tongue getting tied up in what would be the perfect thing to say and falling short every time. He found himself staring at long jet black hair, wondering if it would feel as silky as it looked and wondering if he would ever get to know her well enough to find out. But...

Okay.

Sirius was gay. Harry knew Sirius was gay. Because Harry had been born, and Sirius was there, with Remus, who was his boyfriend, which could've been enough information. But then Harry grew up with Sirius and Remus. Remus was also gay. And Harry knew this too.

Sirius and Remus. Together. They were together. They were married, though Harry was barely four when they got married and only remembered from pictures what the day could've been like. In the backyard of Grimmauld Place. Remus said that Sirius really outdid himself and Sirius said he'd do it again in a cardboard box.

Sirius had a husband, and Sirius was gay. Remus was his husband and Remus was gay. Harry knew this. But he didn't...

he didn't know much else about the...being part.

But then there was Cedric Diggory. The boy with the soft brown curls and wide smile who once smiled at Harry and his head exploded a second time. Cedric and Cho could've gathered around the grounds with tiny brooms and a dustpan, picking up the remnants of Harry's skull as he muddled through blushes and heart palpitations every time Cedric so much as breathed in his direction. And it wasn't like Harry was counting the breaths, because that would be insane, (but it had been twice) and Harry left both conversations wiping his hands on his school trousers, hoping his face didn't give away just how truly enamored he was.

And that was the trouble.

The trouble was...he didn't think he was gay.

The trouble was...he might be gay.

The trouble was he didn't know how to think or feel about either thing and instead spent nights lying awake in bed, especially as winter holidays approached knowing his attentive godfather would surely pick up on something. Remus already had noticed the crease in Harry's eyebrows when they met for Sunday tea at school, asking Everything okay? enough times for Harry to start avoiding tea altogether. Home from school for the holidays, Harry waited until Remus had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room in front of the fireplace--as he usually did when the school bells stopped ringing and Remus got to indulge in just as much sleep as he wanted-- and he was alone with Sirius in the library. A record player turning softly in the background, a tea tray on the table, though it had hot cocoa instead.

Harry swallowed, feeling uncomfortable on the couch, even though that was usually his favorite place to sit; maybe it was his skin he wanted to crawl out of this time. "...Hey Sirius?"

"Hey, Harry?"

"So..the rule about me asking you any question is still okay...right?

Any question except the ones about your crushes on boys. And crushes on girls.

Keep that to yourself.

It's teenager stuff and it'll...pass. You don't even know what you're feeling.

"Always," Sirius said and sat up from his lounging position in an armchair so he could look at Harry, giving him his full attention. Grey eyes met his own across the table and Harry squirmed for the briefest of moments.

It's Sirius. He loves you. Always. You know this.

Don't you?

"When...when did you know you were gay?"

Harry expected a question in return, fingers gripping the knees of his jeans in preparation.

Why are you asking me that? What made you think of that? Who asked you to ask me that? You should mind your own--

Stop it.

"Which version would you like?"

"What?"

"There's the real version, and there's the version I tell people I've come out to throughout the years that's...more...dignified."

"...Can I...have both?"

Sirius grinned, "For you, anything," he said simply and Harry already felt better, though his fingers still found absent threads on his clothing, on the couch, picking to avoid looking fully at Sirius. "For a very long time, I didn't know being gay was an option. It hadn't occurred to me. My family was traditional and sex wasn't something we spoke about. Marriage and...procreation was all about maintaining blood purity, carrying the Black line and not...about pleasure or...anything." Sirius started, and Harry found himself sitting up a little straighter, his hands slowing their picking as he listened to his godfather, his answer already unexpected, "I didn't know any different until I was shown it could be different and that was at Hogwarts through...hands-on experience."

"I don't need to know those bits, thanks."

He laughed, "Abridged version. I didn't...really realize until I was about fifteen or so that I liked men. I just assumed I had to like women and thought that...I was just too broken and damaged and defective to enjoy being with them. But... you know, from what I'd been raised in, pleasure didn't matter."

"Why would you think that? That...you were broken?" Harry asked, eyebrows knitting together. Sirius was his favorite person in the world--he looked at his godfather and saw easy confidence and brilliance that he hoped to reach someday--how could he ever look at himself and think he was anything less than whole?

"I..." Sirius paused for the first time, a sort of pain passing through his features briefly, "Thought a lot of unkind things about myself when I was a teenager. But, when I got to Hogwarts, as I got older, there were some students who were queer, that...I kind of saw myself in. Remus showed me David Bowie and Queen and I actually found out my Uncle-- Alphard, remember? I've talked about him?" and Harry nodded, "He was gay. I didn't find out until after receiving his share of the Black estate though. Point is...I was overjoyed the first time I kissed a boy and liked it, and I realized I wasn't the broken thing. That...I didn't have to like women."

You are not the broken thing. You are not defective.

"It brought its own set of challenges of course but...I was much happier with myself after coming to that conclusion."

"..You said there's another version?"

"Oh. Yeah," Sirius grinned widely, his grey eyes twinkling, "There was a seventh-year. Ravenclaw Quidditch player by the name of Porter Turpin. And at the beginning of fifth year, I took one look at his arse in his uniform trousers and that really...confirmed my suspicions."

"Did you snog him?" Harry asked through laughter and the acid that was still lingering in the pit of his stomach.

"Oh, you want to know now?"

"Well yeah, now it's important."

"We did snog, quite proud of myself for that one." Sirius said, leaning forward onto his knees to catch Harry's gaze from across the room, "Anything else?"

What if I can't decide? What happens then? Did someone forget to flip a switch one way or the other? I'm somewhere in the middle of off and on and the lights keep flickering.

Broken. Shorting out.

"No."

Getting Remus alone was harder, Harry not realizing how much Remus and Sirius actually spent together until trying to get them apart. Harry could remember when he was younger pulling faces at the kisses they shared in the middle of the kitchen, or the way he would sometimes find them wrapped up in each other on the sofa. Or when they would share a single glass of wine at the Weasleys for dinner, taking turns taking sips like a well-choreographed routine, never understanding why they couldn't just have their own. But as he got older, he saw the morning embraces and the way Remus's head would fall on Sirius's shoulder in the evening and Harry couldn't look away.

What was it like to find your other half? What was it like to know who your other half was going to be?

Harry was able to get Remus alone, up in their bedroom, as he put away laundry into the dresser. Harry had been given his own basket to put away (which was presently being ignored, but a sexual identity crisis took precedent over folding t-shirts), and had taken a small detour, sitting on the foot of their big bed as Remus opened drawers by magic.

"D'you...want me to pair the socks?"

"You're offering?"

"I'm sitting here is all..."

"Be my guest, Harry." He said, folding a pair of jeans not so carefully. Harry grabbed a sock from the pile, going through the combination of patterns and sizes to find its missing side.

"...Remus?"

"Hm?"

Remus loves you too. You know this.

...Don't you?

"When...did you...when did you know you were gay?"

"Oh, well..." Remus paused to think in the center of the room, "I don't think there was one defining moment...I think I always knew I was gay."

Harry had to stifle a sigh, wondering what it must be like to grow up knowing everything there was to know about yourself. Remus always knew he wanted to be a professor too.

"Yeah but...did you ever think that maybe you weren't?"

"Love," Remus smiled softly, "I shared a dormitory with Sirius. I stood absolutely no chance at ever thinking I was anything but."

"But....what if that was just Sirius. Can't you like a person? Not...their...like it...doesn't have to be..." Harry fumbled awkwardly, sock tumbling out of his hand and onto the floor. He bent forward off the bed to retrieve it, blood rushing to his head and deciding that was much better than trying to articulate how am I supposed to know I'm gay or if I just really like Cedric as a friend who I barely talk to and only see in hallways, who happens to have dimples and curls and smells nice?

Remus let magic take the rest of the pants and put them into the drawer, not caring if a leg got caught and that it didn't close perfectly, coming to sit next to Harry on the bed, "When I was younger, I didn't have the words to explain being best friends with a boy in my neighborhood. I just had really big feelings. And then..eventually, I got words, and unfortunately, most of them were swear words--" Harry snorted, "But some describing once too. And the same big feelings I had when I was younger were still there when I was 12 and then 15 and then...now? And it wasn't just around Sirius. It was...around muggle boys I met during summer holidays, and every time I got a copy of Rolling Stone magazine."

Harry thought of the extra time he spent looking at Quidditch Mag. The intense heat at the back of his neck when he flipped to a page with Viktor Krum. Harry knew the big feeling well.

"So...what did you do? About...?"

"I'm afraid I'm rather boring, Harry. There was no Great Goblin Crusade moment in my coming out story... when a girl would ask me to Hogsmeade, I'd just tell her I wasn't interested and that was it. My friends knew, my parents knew...that's all that mattered to me."

"Hm."

Harry felt Remus's long fingers run over his hair, "Anything else?"

But what if I am interested? How am I supposed to respond? Can I have both? Will you love me all the same?

"No."

It had been days since speaking with both Remus and Sirius, nights spent tossing and turning, days spent in a fog as a flurry of faces and features clouded his mind.

Oliver Wood's broad shoulders, he noticed those.

Cho's silken hair; her white smile, he noticed too.

Cedric's light eyes, caught in hallways.

Parvati was pretty, gold jewelry on her fingers. He couldn't help but glance at Angelina's long legs during Quidditch practice.

He liked both. He wanted both.

Heart hammering in his chest in cadence with his feet down the wooden floorboards of the hallway, rushing until he reached Remus and Sirius' room, and knocked before entering. Not caring if he was fourteen, almost fifteen, and too old to be doing this; not caring if they were awake or sleeping or if he made too much noise, Harry climbed into bed, taking the empty spot next to Sirius, the spot that was vacant because his godfather always slept close to Remus.

Sirius rolled over, eyes half-open, Remus stirring beneath him, "Harry?"

"Hi," he said meekly, drawing his legs up underneath his chin, and wrapping his arms around himself as Remus and Sirius both sat up.

"What's going on? Is everything okay?" Remus asked, his voice scratchy, flicking his wrist to turn on the bedside lamp.

"I don't know."

"Hey, hey," Sirius said, warm hand connecting with his face, sensing the change in emotion faster than Harry could even start to comprehend it. He was too old to be in their bed, he was too old to be crying.

What if I'm the broken thing?

"My love," Sirius said, "What's all this now?"

"I don't know." Harry managed, looking at Sirius's face, "I...I...think I might be gay."

"Okay."

"And...and...also not gay? I...don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't...I thought if I just asked you both when you knew, that I would know. But...all it did was make me more confused because obviously, I know you...you're gay, and...other people aren't and...I'm not? but I am? and...I-I-I-I don't know."

"There's nothing wrong with you," Sirius told him gently, pulling him into his chest, and Harry clung to the fabric of Sirius's shirt like a life vest "Absolutely nothing."

He felt Remus's hand on his back, rubbing in slow circles the way he always did. Harry could remember being much younger, Remus bringing him into his arms after every skinned knee, rhythmic patterns on his back slowing tears in seconds.

"It's...called bisexual," Remus explained, his voice soothing, calm, and steady, "If...you...like both. You can like both. More than one. You can fancy girls... and you can fancy boys."

"But--"

"You can like both. Or neither or everything," Remus continued, "And you're also fourteen and...can keep figuring this out."

"I..." Harry released a breath into Sirius's chest, Remus's words washing over him, washing away worry and the ache in his bones that wouldn't subside. Sirius's words echoed in his mind: i didn't know being gay was an option. Harry didn't know either. "I...It's okay?"

"Mhmm," Sirius said, "It's okay. It's great, even. We love you, no matter what."

"There is nothing in this world you could do that would make us stop loving you, Harry James," Remus added, giving enough space between the two of them for Harry to crawl into. He had told himself the last time he slept in their bed at thirteen was going to be the last time. And the time before that at 11 before his first day at Hogwarts. But this time was going to be his last...even if it was the safest place he could imagine being. Settled between his two pillars of strength, quieting all fears with a simple i love you.

you can keep figuring it out.

you can like both. or neither. or everything.

bisexual.

a new word settling on the roof of his mouth, eager to make itself at home.

"...Even...even if I'm straight?" He asked, his arms circled around one of Sirius's, head sharing Remus's pillow.

Sirius laughed, kissing Harry on the top of his head, as Remus flicked his wrist, the room going dark once more. "Even then. Especially then."