Please Like This I Worked On It All Week

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

Sleeping Beauty AU

He was gone.

Bilbo had thought he'd accepted that long after he'd returned to Bag End, but more often than not tears fell that drained him, forcing him to sleep.

He saw the light flicker from his eyes and how the color left his skin. His chest stopped heaving, he was at peace.

Bilbo was tired, but he did not want to rest. He did not want to have those dreams again, see the blood on his hands, the sting in his chest.

Thorin Oakenshield was dead. That was that.

There was a gentle knock that jumped Bilbo out from his quiet thinking, sitting in his armchair with a hot mug of tea that warmed his belly. He deeply sighed, figuring it was Lobelia come to heckle at him for the 3rd time that week about those bloody spoons. "Nobody's home!" He shouted, but more knocks came. "Oh, you've got to be joking." He stood and tied the string around his robe forward, stomping to the door to swing it open wearing nothing but a frown. "I've had just about enough of---oh."

"Always quite the welcome when I come to your doorstep, Bilbo Baggins." Gandalf smiled fondly, still clad in his pointy grey hat and holding his crooked staff.

"Gandalf! I wasn't expecting... visitors. I thought you were long gone from the Shire?"

"I do apologize, but I am not here for idle chat," Suddenly the wizard's face sunk. "I fear I carry some unexpected news."

Bilbo felt his chest tighten; he was certain he was finished with all things unexpected and unplanned for the rest of his days. "Well, let's have it then." His hand fell inside his pocket to fondle the Ring. Gandalf eyed the movement, but carried on.

"Thorin Oakenshield is alive."

This had to be a cruel joke. An unfair punishment by whatever entity watched over hobbit life, thinking he deserved such for some reason. For all he knew he could be dreaming all this up! He didn't exactly remember going to bed or waking up, everything just felt blurred together. He started to feel dizzy.

"Bilbo?"

No, of course this wasn't real. Just a figment of his sad imagination trying to make things seem better than they were. He started laughing because he didn't know what else to do. Thorin wasn't alive, he saw him---he watched him die. Over and over again he watched and he couldn't do a single damn thing. He twisted the Ring faster.

"I really do think it would be best if you sit---"

He blinked roughly, his eyes becoming heavy and harder to keep open. His hand felt for the wall to keep him steady, he could hear his heart in his ears. He wanted to sleep, he wanted all of it to just go away so he could be content again.

"Are you listening to me? For goodness sake!"

Gandalf's displeased voice was the last thing he heard before he fell backwards onto the floor out cold.

"I don't... this can't be possible," Bilbo shook his head, now awake back in his armchair and his mug, though he wasn't all that thirsty anymore. "Gandalf, I saw him..." His stomach turned, unable to finish. The wizard gestured that there was no need for him to continue.

"I know this seems unthinkable, believe me I did not know what to make of it at first. Even for a wizard of my caliber, this... this is work I am not familiar with."

"What do you mean?"

"Thorin Oakenshield has been placed under a dark force, an eternal sleep, so I've come to learn. He still breathes and blood runs through his veins as if it is nothing but mere rest, but he cannot be woken. The company has tried to no success." Said Gandalf. "Be it what may have transpired during his battle with the Defiler, it seems a formidable curse is inside him---by whom is still a mystery."

A curse? Bilbo placed his mug down with shaky hands; whether it was orc done or not, it sounded like just the sort of sickly twisted outcome Azog would have wanted. What was better than death? One every soul you ever loved could watch for the rest of their days, as you slowly deteriorated by the years. "I---I don't understand. You really can't help him? You're the greatest wizard I've known!"

Gandalf's eyes drooped downward. "I am truly sorry, my dear friend. Some things are beyond my reach."

"Yes, of course." Bilbo's heart sank even further. "Well, thank you for telling me." Somehow it was far worse than Thorin being simply gone, as now part of him was reachable again---and how Bilbo wished to grasp his hand or be huddled in his embrace. But Thorin was still missing, he couldn't hear his voice or see his eyes or tell him how he felt. It wasn't the same. He wondered if the dwarf still dreamed.

Pure torture his life was becoming. At this rate he might as well give Lobelia those spoons just to really make things chipper!

"That is not all I've come to tell," Gandalf cleared his pipes, sitting straight and grabbing the hobbit's attention immediately. "The company and I believe that you, Bilbo Baggins, are our key to waking him."

"Excuse me?" His brows furrowed, confused. He was beginning to think the wizard was pulling his leg. "How am----am I supposed to wake him? Don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly the... spell casting type. I'm failing to see how this is a good idea." What was he supposed to do? Scare the curse away? Lobelia would be quite good at that, now that he thought of it. Absolutely terrifying.

"Hm, yes, you are not. But you have one thing the rest of us do not. I do think it would be best if... er, the company explain this to you, though." And Gandalf may have told him himself if he knew how the company would pitch their idea to their favorite burglar come returned to the mountain.

"You want me to what?!"

"Just what I said, kiss him! Is not that difficult, is it?" Said Kili, eyes wide and spirit bright as when he'd left.

"Call me blind but I don't see how that is supposed to rid him of a bloody curse!"

"Listen, we were reading up on some books once all of us realized it was a curse," Fili interjected. "And Ori came across this old tale on something---what was it again?"

"Oh, yes!" Ori came skipping over with all sorts of papers in hand. "It was a story about a maiden who fell ill from an evil creature who cursed her life with a sleep she could never wake up from. Eventually her husband killed the creature, right? And he thought she was dead, but he kissed her goodbye and she was back! According to the book, very few dwarves have seen a curse like this across thousands of years."

"Leave it to orcs to weave in the threads of cruel old world magic to get what they desire." Said Gandalf.

"But you see now? Only someone's true One can wake them. And you..." Kili wriggled his eyebrows at the hobbit.

"I can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"Because I---I..." Bilbo waved his hands around trying to find the words hopelessly. "Look, I'm not what you think I am. Really. I doubt that..." I'm Thorin's One. Even if he wished to be, his chances seemed rather slim to him.

"Lad, I know it's not right for us to spring this on you so sudden, after so long---but you mean somethin' special to Thorin. We all see it." Balin came to his side, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "We wouldn't have called you here if we didn't believe this would save him."

"Aye," Dwalin nodded. "You've got fierce loyalty in ye', even if this... magical-hoo-ha sounds like a pile of horse shite,"

"Dwalin---" Balin raised a hand at his brother, unaware of where his point was heading.

"Let me finish, will ye'? Even if I don't believe innit all, I know... Thorin's got a good place in'es heart for you, I see it. If anyone was gonna bring him back it'd be you."

"S'all true!" Said Glóin. "I know love when it's got me square in the face."

"Right that, the tension between the two is so strong it's like tryin' to cut through a frozen bucket of milk from a mountain ram." Bofur's blunt and frankly quite specific comparison had everyone staring at him blankly. "Was it something I said?"

"It's your decision, there's no need to pressure yourself into it." Balin said.

Bilbo glanced around at all of his friends, waiting for his answer; no matter what there was pressure on his shoulders, a fairly large one. Save the King and your friend and or possibly more from an eternal sleep---of course. "Can I see him?"

They had moved him from the cold depths of Erebor to an elegant chamber, cleaned and fined to look as it was before the mountain came under fire. The bed was downed in wooden poles that held lengthy canopies draped around. Thorin lay motionless other than the rise and fall of his chest, undisturbed as if he had not faced a brutal foe, still like a great piece carved from stone. Bilbo's hands shook and his knees wanted to buckle the moment he entered the room alone, as he was stood facing what he thought he'd lost for good.

He sucked in a breath and approached the bed, sitting down on the edge just by the dwarf's corner, though still offering him space. His heart pounded as he reached a tentative hand to Thorin's, touching his calloused, warm skin. Far from the cold and unsettling pang he'd felt last. He retracted his hand quickly, holding it over his lips when a cry came to lurch out from his throat. Tears swelled in his eyes and tickled down his cheeks, unable to keep them at bay, like those difficult first nights in Bag End. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." The words started to spill from him between heavy breaths.

"I should've---" He lowered till his upper half fell to embrace Thorin, resting his head on his chest when slow sobs picked away at him. "I should... I should've been there. For you." He listened to the dwarf's heart beat steadily in response, holding to his limp arm. "Just don't go. Don't go."

He didn't eat much that night, even against Bombur's cheesy filled bread---which was very un-hobbit like of him. If he was in the Shire he'd be kicked right out of the dinner table. He curled up in his guest bed, fiddling with the blankets, the Ring, unable to keep still. He couldn't have come all this way just to give up because of the hope that it might work. It was just a kiss, he was overthinking it! Just a kiss... with Thorin. He smashed his face into the nearest pillow, groaning. What in the world was he supposed to do if it actually worked? What if the company greatly misjudged Thorin's affections and it was nothing but a very strong... friendship? Emotionally and physically close male bond--? Bilbo didn't even think that was the right label for them, it was utterly, annoyingly complicated.

In the wake of the midnight was when he decided he was going to do it. What did he have to lose, anyways? Well... quite a lot, actually. But that was a problem for the later future.

"Remember, even if this... doesn't go through, at the very least you tried lad." Said Balin.

"Thanks." Bilbo nodded. He was at the edge of the bed, inches from Thorin who was the same as before. He looked back to the whole company of dwarves who stood, watching, waiting... hang on, did they really want to see him do it? They weren't the clearest bunch on when privacy was needed, at least aside from Balin, who tried shuffling awwy. "Er, do you mind?"

"Oh, no, not at all. Go right ahead!" Bofur called from the back.

"Make it a good one!" Kili hollered from afar.

"I mean get out!" Bilbo huffed and waved his hands at them to go, which thankfully they did, shutting the door behind them and leaving the room quiet. His eyes fell to the floor as the tense silence grew around them, pawing at the fabric of his trousers, stalling as long as he possibly could. Just get it over with already! He told himself. After about a minute or two of delay, he finally looked to Thorin again, and felt another chip at his heart.

"This isn't exactly how I pictured it happening, but... here's to trying, I suppose." If Thorin was fully himself he imagined he'd make some stupid, smart comment to that. He missed those. As he snuck closer he slipped his hand into the dwarfs once more, giving it a firm squeeze. His other gently ran over his cheek, brushing against the subtle spikes of his beard.

Taking in a breath leaned forward, closing his eyes and ever so carefully he pressed his lips to Thorin's. It only lasted a few seconds before he pulled back, feeling a welcome thrill run through him before his cheeks ran red with incredible embarrassment. Not like anyone was there to see it, but still. He watched, waiting for a response---any kind. The dwarf's eyes only subtly twitched, his body still unmoving. Bilbo blew out a slow sigh, hanging his head low. "I knew it," He quietly laughed, if he didn't he'd just start crying all over again; why did he think he'd be able to swoop in and be the hero?

"Bilbo?"

His heart fully stopped. His eyes shot upward, falling on Thorin, who squinted against the light and instinctively felt for his wound---or at least where he last remembered it being, as it was now patched and nearly healed. Other than seeming rather confused, he was alive. Thorin was alive.

"Oh, oh! It worked!" Bilbo jumped to his feet, clasping a hand over his mouth. He did it---he actually did it! "I can't believe it..."

"What worked? And why..." Thorin barely got the chance to contemplate their circumstances before Bilbo was on him, arms tight over his shoulders, leaning into the crook of his neck. Thorin held him firmly in return.

"Don't you ever do that to me again! Do you hear me? I've gone absolutely mad because of you. I considered giving away my spoons!"

"Spoons?" Thorin didn't exactly know their significance.

"Spoons!" Bilbo frowned, and Thorin tenderly brushed a thumb over the tears that soaked over his skin. His hand cupped the hobbit's cheek. "Thorin,"

"Yes?"

Oh, screw it all. You only live once, or twice---in Thorin's case. Or was it three? Bilbo thought, and as they sat embraced he crashed his lips to the dwarf's, to which was returned avidly without a beat of hesitation. Thorin's hand wrung through his light curls, inching him closer in; for a man who might as well have died and fell into a strange sleep, he wasn't holding anything back. Bilbo felt tipsy just by his touch, and bless the hills he'd never been more thankful in all his days---that was, until the company came charging in.

There was a mix of whistles and yells and cheerfully surprised hoots. Fili and Kili just about body slammed them both on the bed, successfully crushing Bilbo to get to their dear uncle. "We knew it would work!" matched with: "Ha! That's our hobbit!"

"Don't squash the poor lad, boys!" Balin said.

Dwalin didn't have much of a problem pulling Bilbo out from the pile. "We told ye'te kiss him, not shag 'em on the---"

"I wasn't doing anything!" Bilbo raised his hands in defense. "At least not that much..."

"You told him to do what?" Thorin raised his head up from his nephews weight, still waiting for a solid explanation as to why one moment he was being stabbed, the next he was stuck in the worst dreamscape he's ever witnessed, and was woken by none other than Bilbo Baggins and a very lovely kiss. "Would someone like to catch me up on what is going on?"

"Ohh, yes," Kili nodded. "Should you start or should I?"

"Let's both." Fili said.

"Right, so it all started when Ori found this book..."

Y'all

Imagine if Bilbo lost his lil acorn once Smaug was dead.

Throin sees Bilbo looking around all panicked, digging through some pile of gold or gems, and asks about it, and this is where he learns about the acorn.

So of course he offers to help look, while they're looking for the Arkenstone, and eventually they've got the whole company looking for both. Thorin's head seems a little more clear suddenly, so everyone's more looking for the acorn than the arkenstone, because yeah they're looking for the arkenstone, but they'll know it when they see it, they have to CONCENTRAIT to find a lil acorn, and it's important they find IT soon or it'll get crushed, or die or rot. The arkenstone has lasted this long. It'll last a little longer.

And because they've all got he mindset if "yeah thats a bit of gold, but it's not an acorn. Sure sure some pretty gems but it's not an acorn!" In there heads, they stave of the gold sickness.

When Fili shouts, "I found it!" They're all rather disappointing when they realise he means the Arkestone. Thorin pockets it, but they return to their search for the acorn right away.

Then, one day, Thranduil shows up demanding the white gems and Thorin's standing up on the barracks like "Sure, if we come across them."

And Thranduil's like "what do you mean if you come across them?"

"There was a dragon in the mountain for over a century! He wasn't exactly cleaning and we're a bit preoccupied with our own search at the moment! I'll send them your way once we find them! If takes a day or a year, you'll live!" And then he disappears from Thranduil's sight.

Only to reappear after a moment, looking slightly irritated. The hobbit is by his side looking, perhaps hopeful? With a roll of his eyes, Thorin says, bitting out the words like they physically hurt to say "If you would like, perhaps you could send a select few of your most trusted guard, and if they might help us in our search, they can also look for your gems as well?"

Thranduil has never been more caught of guard in his life. Did a dwarf, one whom he'd had imprissoned in his dungeon less than a month ago, just invite his people into his most recently reclaimed treasurey?

"I'm sorry. What?" He blinks up at the dwarf- most elegantly, he assures you.

"Elves have very keen eyes, do you not?" Asks the little hobbit. "We're looking for my acorn, you see, that I got from Beorn the skin changer, I seem to have lost it in the dragon's chase, and we fear it'll be crushed. Throin says your box would likely be in the front of the treasurey, and we haven't searched there yet, though Smaug did follow us through there, so it's a fine place for your people to start. It would be greetly appreciated."

And really. The argument could go on, Thranduil's really not sure he believes there IS an acorn, but if it gets him those damned white gems, fine. He sends Tauriel and her guard, and Legolas volunteers himself.

When Bard shows up asking for aid for the town Thorin throws his hands up. "Your just as bad as the elves! We just got our montain back! Fah! At least you asked for nothing so specific!" And practically chucks a chest full of randomly scooped up gold and gems over at the man. "But if there is an acorn in there, you are to return it immediately!"

There isn't an acorn.

"Why would there be an acorn?" He asks Thranduil that evening as he takes tea with the Elven king who's made camp outside the Lonely Mountain as a statement to the dwarven king he doesn't mean to leave without what's rightfully his, regardless of their compliance.

"His husband appears to be rather attached to it." Thranduil shrugs. "I don't pretent to understand the ways of haflings, but if the hobbit has half so strong a love for that which grows from the earth, as the dwarves do that which is mined from it, and I was a king who'd dragged my consort half way across Middle Earth to risk his life battling a dragon for its hoard, I'd think it wise to have the Mountain turned upside down for one measly acorn as well."

Dain shows up and is about ready to storm the peacefully-aiding-the-humans-at-this-point-because-we're-here-what-else-do-we-have-to-do elves on principle, but Thorin puts a stop to it quick.

It takes Dain a day and a half to realised that Thorin did infact say "they were all looking for an Acorn," yesterday, and several minutes to understand that he was saying "no, we found the Arkenstone days ago," today.

And of course, the orcs and goblins show up and are defeated by the forced of them all, united under Acorn Peace Treaty of 2942

Sadly, weeks go by, and they do not find the acorn. They do eventually find the Gems, and Legolas and the majority of the elves return to Mirkwood, Legolas having made good friends with the Company, especially Gloin (this is a suprise tool that will help him later) but Tauriel remains, and if Thorin wasn't smitten with the hobbit, he might comment on just how close Kili is growing to her. At least she's respectful. Might just teach that boy a think or two. The opposite is, of course, true, and Tauriel becomes just as much a menace as the princes.

As the weeks go by and proper cataloging of the treasury commences, every dwarf who comes to help is shows a picture of the acorn every single morning, and promised a just reward for its discovery.

Eventually, Bilbo has to concede they aren't going to find it, but, well, by then he's not exactly planning to return to the Shire for long enough to care for a sprouting tree.

He does return long enough to stop all his things being auctioned off, no he's not a ghost, thank you very much, and have Bag End transfered to his cousin Drogo and his wife, before setting back out for Erebor with the things he intends to keep.

It's years before anyone thinks of the poor lost little acorn again, decades, infact.

One day, in the early morning of the 21st Durin's day after the reclaiming of Erebor, a dwarf comes rushing from the treasurey to find the Royals preparing for the celebration.

"Is it one of these, your highne- uh, Bilbo, your lost acorn?" He asks, stuttering over the title he knows the hobbit dislikes. "I can't really.... tell them apart."

And Bilbo just blinks, because in the cupped palms of the dwarf's are perhaps 15 or 20 little acorns...

"Where did you find these?" He asks.

"They were in the back."

"The back?" Thorin repeats, then catches himself and shoos the dwarf back the way he came "Show us."

They all- Bilbo and Thorin, the princeses, and a handful of the company who'd been present- follow the dwarf down into the treasurey, and then through the treasurey, past all the neat piles of gold and the many chests of organized gems and stones and all manner of other treasures, until they're presented with a very familiar back door.

Or rather, a hidden passage, tucked away in an alcove, where another handful of acorns' the few the Dwarf who'd brought them the first had likely missed- are scattered about.

"You did... just have the one, right Uncle Bilbo?" Fili asks.

"Or course I just had the one!" Bilbo retorts. "I couldn't have possibly carried that many with me all the way from Beorn's!"

With a resigned sort of sigh, as he begins to piece together the answer to a decades old mystery, Thorin steps forward and follows the tunnel up, up, up, and out of Erebor, the others- save the dwarf who brought them, dismissed by Bilbo with a smile, a thanks, and an oh, no, you may keep those- right behind.

As they walk, the acorns start to increase. Though there's never so many as to begin piling up in the tunnel, by the time they reach the end, the majority of the ground is covered in a solid layer if the little things, and the crunch underfoot as they all emerge onto the ledge which they had all once stood, with batted breath in the moon light as they realised they were at last, truly home.

"Was that here last time?" Kili asked, studying the impressive Oaktree shading the entire ledge that sat in front of the secret entrance to Erebor.

The trunk of the tree was wide and solid, sitting right up against the mountain side, and rather winning the battle of wills against the carved stone architecture of the dwarves. Its limbs grow twisted and wild, up and out in all directions. It's easily 250 or 300 feet tall. There is all sorts of life flittering about in its florishing branches, all covered in brilliant green leaves, and fresh green little acorns.

The growned all around them is covered in acorns as well, so many more than the tunnel.

"No." Thorin says, watching a squirrel dash down from the trunk of the tree, shove several acorns into its cheeks, and dash back up the trunk. "No it was not." He turns to Bilbo, and raises an eyebrow. "Lost it after the dragons chase, you said?"

Beet red and look quite flustered, all Bilbo can manage out is a squicky little "oops."

"'Oops' indeed." Thorin returns, smiling fondly.

The doomed timeloop yaoi

failed courtship

I think a criticism of my own fanfic and basically my interpretation of gigolas would be the overly romantic and whimsical approach and not enough shitheadery. Like yeah yeah fluffy ship headcanons whatever. These fuckers are literal menaces to middle earth and team up to be violent harbingers of chaos for the sheer motive of giving Aragorn a heart attack. One has literally been let out of captivity for the first time by his father with no social skills and the other is a well spoken warrior who threatens to kill someone because they said his fav was creepy. Whispering sweet nothings in the sheets and literally the most destructive and battle ready class clowns in the streets.

i love it when there’s a gay couple oblivious to the other’s affection and their third wheel who wants nothing more than to call them a homophobic slur

I need Kili to be considered kind of a weirdo by dwarven standards - bro doesn't have any beads or braids in his hair, bro uses a bow and arrow as his favoured weapon, bros got a shit beard even for someone his age, bros got the hots for elves - he's just a weird little guy but he's very loved regardless and Fili is very protective of him cos yeah he's sort of strange but that's my little brother I'll kill you if you start talking shit

Thorin showing off every time Bilbo's around, but in a dwarfish manner and Bilbo is so confused why thorin keeps showing him gems he cut. He compliments him anyway and for the rest of the day Thorin is BEAMING