Yeah, A Lot Of Women Are Also Perverts. It Is Known.

Severus Snape is wonderful and beautifully written character when you don’t have some irritating voices shouting in your ear about how he’s a bad person. (He isn’t. He’s morally grey)

So Bruce now has several adult children that could very easily take up the cowl (and already have in some cases) but he doesn't seem to be retiring any time soon. So let's say he gets injured in the field, like Bane back-breaking stuff, and he is forced to retire. He wants one of his kids to take up the mantle. Not necessarily pretending to be him, but as the new Batman (like Terry McGinnus in Batman Beyond).

Issue is he doesn't know who the cowl should go to, so he calls a meeting. Everyone is sitting at a long table in the manor when Bruce discusses his sudden, but overdue, retirement.

Bruce: So now we come to the splitting of assets.

He places the cowl on the table in front of him.

Bruce: Figure it out yourself.

He gets up and leaves.

Expecting a fight to break out, he waits to listen at the door in case things get out of hand, lord knows he doesn't want a physical brawl over the cowl. He doesn't expect what happens next.

*silence*

Stephanie: Not it!

Tim: No way!

Dick: Been there, done that.

Damian: No.

Cass: no.

Babs: Already got a job.

Duke: Uh, I think I'm busy that day.

The only person who hasn't said anything is Jason

Dick: Looks like it's you Jay.

Jason: Fuck no, I figured killing people made me exempt already.

Bruce happily sheds a tear, knowing his raised his kids so that none of them want to follow in his footsteps.

After an all nighter where the kids argue over who should take the role

(notable points include:

Tim: I thought you were the 'Blood Son's Dames, it's your 'birthright' and all.

Damian: I plan to donate blood tomorrow.

Jason: Dick, you're the oldest, you take it.

Dick: No! Have you seen how good my ass looks in my current suit? A cape is gonna ruin that silhouette!

Stephanie: Why don't you want it Tim, you're already CEO of WE, why not become full Bruce?

Tim: *shudders* Ra's already is obsessed with me, if I become Batman, he won't leave me the fuck alone.

Eventually they call Bruce back in, having come to a decision. Bruce walks in, not sure who has taken it, but his bets are on either Cass, Dick or Damian. He looks up at the table to see:

Sitting at the head of the table, with the cowl over their face...

Bruce: Um... Alfred?

Dick: Yeah! He has the most experience out of all of us!

Duke: This also means we can keep doing our own things as well.

Jason can't stop laughing at Bruce's face.

Bruce: You're really playing along with this Alfred?

Alfred: I am the night Master Bruce.

Bruce: Real fun-

Alfred: I think you'll find that I am vengeance sir.

Bruce: Okay, I ge-

Alfred: I, young Master, Am Batman.

Bruce phones Kate who laughs in his face.

sometimes you need dialogue tags and don't want to use the same four

Brucie Wayne accidentally killing the joker

This happens before Red Hood is revealed as Jason, but after he shows up. Bruce is at a gala and has been very stressed lately, which is why he was so caught off guard with the Joker arriving. A big thing about today? It’s Jason’s adoption day anniversary. Bruce is barely clinging to being good.

However, Joker has a new laughing gas that he thought would make everyone fall into a catatonic state of laughter, striking a blow against all of Gotham’s elite.

That’s what he thought it would do.

Instead, it lowered inhibitions and increased their emotions. It also reduced their ability to think things through. Doing this to Bruce, who is stressed with Red Hood making moves and Justice League stuff getting more stressful and it being the anniversary of the day he could finally welcome his beautiful boy into the family, only to be face to face with the reason he lost his kid?

It only takes one comment about the old Robin for Bruce to go feral.

He isn’t thinking things through, isn’t focused on how hard he is hitting things, or where they are moving until he’s on a balcony with the Joker, and he’s distantly aware he’s been screaming about the clown having done enough-

Everyone watches, spellbound, as Brucie Wayne, under the influence of this new gas, pitches both the Joker and himself off the balcony, twenty stories above the ground.

Red Hood catches Brucie Wayne.

No one catches the Joker.

The morning papers scream about how the Joker died from Gotham’s prince being drugged, and how the city’s new crime lord kidnapped Brucie before he could die.

Everyone in Gotham is in disarray.

Dick is panicking after seeing the headline. (He was in Bludhaven.)

Tim is cursing himself. (He was home sick with the flu.)

Jason is struggling with his emotions.

Alfred is loading his shot gun.

Even snails are fascinated with nature... 💚

This is genuinely a very good idea, especially for April's Fools. Confusing, relatively harmless, funny.

what if you wore a shirt that featured a picture of you trying to claw your way out of the shirt with a horrid desperate expression and the text "THAT'S NOT ME THAT'S NOT ME I'M TRAPPED IN THE SHIRT"

Headcannon that Jason got the headstone from his grave and put it above his bed because it says 'Here lies Jason Todd' (he broke off the good soldier bit ofc) and thinks it's the funniest thing ever, some of the family, of course, are horrified.

Dick, at Jason's before they go out on patrol: Hey Jaybird, make sure to bring a spare respir--WHAT THE HELL?!?

Dick, looking frantically between Jason and the headstone: this is clearly a threat. Somebody knows your identity. I swear to GOD when I find who did this--

Jason, looking up from his phone comepletely unbothered: oh yeah, about that

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Bonus:

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Tim, climbing through Jasons bedroom window: Hey, its me, dont shoot. Do you have a first aid kit here right?

Jason, getting up from where he was reading in bed: ugh yeah sure, one sec

Jason, proceeds to grab a sticky note saying 'DOES NOT' and jabs it onto the headstone so it reads 'Here DOES NOT lie Jason Todd':

Tim:

Tim: okay that's funny

The brain is so frustrating because I can’t remember what my mother wanted for Mother’s Day.

The conversation was two days ago.

I don’t think she wants a ladder, Brain.