I’m Going To Casually Drop This Here And Pretend I’m Not Embarrassed With Myself 😅 I Wrote A Kevaaron

Breaking my own heart over here.

You cannot convince me Jean didnt desperately wait for Kevin to come back for him 🥲

Some of my fav out of context quotes for my current WIP :

"I'm convinced your last brain cell is a ping pong ball and I'm pretty sure it had a hole in it."

"You hate me." [He says lovingly]

She smiles. (This one is significant for trans reasons 🥲)

"Your father could never hate you, mine could never love me"

"I don't think its often that 'foul' and 'beautiful' are used to discribe the same thing." (This pleases her)

"Mr. Jones has had to put up with you two brain-dead gentlemen for fifteen years..."

"Never anger. Jealousy, but never anger."

"I never meant to love you" (this one was devastating to write)

"...that coffin is where he belongs and I'm grateful that he is gone." (Get his ass!)

"You shouldn't, 'good' is a word I would never use to describe myself."

"Have you ever dug a grave?" (Hehehehe [menacing])

I don't know anything about the raven AUs or what the extra content has to say but can you imagine if Jean, Kevin, Neil and Andrew were all at evermore at once, because ive been dwelling on it. It would be endless fights. Fists would fly so often. We'd have the whole kevjean situationship plus the andreil mess that is them. Also, jeaneil would be THE power couple. If they had been partners for years, can you imagine the brutality of their insults, oml. I would never want to piss them off or youd just be thrown through the nine rings of hell that is verbal abuse.

And if Andrew still made the deal for nicky and Aaron (not sure that would work but its something to consider)

Would Aaron and Andrew be partners? How would they handle all their problems if they are stuck together 24/7? Do you think Aaron would still fall in love? Would Andrew take medical classes so Aaron can be a doctor? Do you this Aaron has PTSD, thinking of Talia everytime a beating happens?

Dont even get me started on how it would destroy Nicky. He is not built to handle any of that. Plus what Riko would do to him and Andrew, eventually even to Neil. Riko caught Jean by simple looks and Andrew constantly pointed out "that" look on Neil, they would be fucked.

But it would be so intresting to read.

I kind of love the idea of Jean offering his last name before him and Jeremy are even together, like havent even had their frist kiss yet. Maybe they take Jab on a walk and someone recognizes him and calls him Knox, which just puts him in his standoffish mood, coming to terms with the fact that he does genuinely want to change it. Jean obviously picks up on the discomfort and asks him about it.

"I don't want to be a Knox anymore. I won't take the Wilshire name, I refuse to, but keeping Knox just isn't good for me anymore. It makes me feel stuck I guess. Maybe I should search a list of baby names. Or do you think its legal to simply not have a last name?" Jeremy teases the idea of being simply 'Jeremy Alan' while Jean ponders, eyes on Jab who is now chewing on a bush. Tapping Jab on the back to distract him from the potentially harmful plant, he states it as a fact "You can use Moreau." Jeremy stops walking, staring dead ahead with a completely blank face.

"What." It comes out on the third try, barely auditable.

"If you wanted, you could be a Moreau." Jean looks at him and Jeremy can feel heat over his entire body.

"I don't think you understand what that might imply to people." Jeremy tries to keep his voice steady, still avoiding Jeans eyes.

"I wouldn't mind." And Jean smiles, a soft genuine smile, to which Jeremy loses every bit of composure he had. Jab circles at Jeremys feet, wanting to keep moving. Jeremy finally brings himself to look at Jean, his knees nearly giving out at the peaceful look of...longing.

"You would actaully want that?" A small spike of panic rises when Jean full body turns to face him.

"Jeremy Moreau." Jean nods, as if agreeing to the way it sounds on his lips. The heavy feeling of butterflies swarming Jeremys stomach has him feeling light headed.

"Yeah." He manages to whisper out. "Jeremy Moreau. I could get used to that." Still frozen in place on the sidewalk, Jean reachs a hand out, brushing against Jeremys as he takes the leash. Jean doesn't say anything else, but calmly gets them moving again. Jeremy lingers slightly behind, his gaze locked on Jean, on the way he so naturally walks with Jab, on how none of this conversation seems to weigh on him. Jeremy has a thought, rushing to catch up. "In what context?" He forces the words out before he can second guess himself. Jean says nothing, turning to him, his eyes flicking to Jeremys lips for a split second, then meeting Jeremys'. Jean shrugs, focusing back on the walk, not directly answering and yet Jeremy feels like his heart is going to give out. Jeremy goes to take the leash back, needing a distraction, but Jean grabs his hand, not letting go as he puts their hands down by their sides. Jeremy stares at the concrete, red faced and breathing uneven as he laces their fingers together. It repeats in his head the whole walk home, Jeremy Moreau, Jeremy Moreau, Jeremy Moreau.

So we can all agree that at some point Jeremy is gonna ride Jeans motorcycle. I want a moment of Jeremy being nervous beforehand while Jean is going over basic safety and communication, but Jeremy is just not paying attention, so Jean does that super hot, grab the chin of the helmet maneuver, making him look up and saying something like "pay attention" or "listen to me" and Jeremy is just immediately weak in the knees like 'oh fuck, he can get hotter.' And I NEED Jean to notice, to see his eyes go wide and his face get red because the amount of times Jean has grabbed Jeremys chin, this is going to be the moment that gets them both.

Half-time just ended. Everyone is retaking their positions on the court, Neil and Andrew lock eyes for a moment, just blankly staring at each other. Neil cracks a small smile, then winks at him before turning away. Andrew is immediately flustered, which means he's pissed. Hot red ears and furrowed eyebrows, he almost misses the sound of the buzzer, but he can't let anyone know that he is currently weak in the knees and deciding if he wants to punch him or kiss him. He watches Neil get body slammed before the ball comes hurling to the goal, Andrew snapping to its targeted location catching the ball. Instead of rebounding or passing, he launches it, letting out his bottled frustration and embarrassment. The buzzer sounds and the goal lights up red, leaving Andrew slightly suprized, he didn't even aim. Leaning on his racket, he takes a deep breath, fully calming himself and deciding he will kiss him when this is over. Neil gets off the ground with a smug expression, causing Andrew to ignore him, the game starting again.

TGR SPOLIERS

Hear me out, Kevin knows Jean loves(loved) him. And I'm kinda convinced he might have loved him back but Kevin "its easier to keep him heterosexual" Day, Kevin "they were supposed to be a warning" Day. He knew what would happen to them if they went down that road, yet he learned how to speak french for him, he bought him magnets and postcards and made him promise to survive for both of their sakes. Kevin who fought for Jean in the only ways he knew he could, who kept in touch with him even after he made it out and knew how badly that would hurt Jean, but he couldn't Let. Him. Go. Kevin knows Jean has always like Jeremy, hes aware that Jean likes men, he has to have seen how Jean looks at him, if Riko and Andrew and Jeremy all knew from moments of being with them, Kevin couldn't have ignored it, not truly. I think Kevin did love him, but was so conditioned to never betray Riko, its still ingrained in him despite everything, that he suppressed it as far as he could to protect them both. Maybe thats part of the reason he gave him to Jeremy, he trusts him, he knows hes been through a lot and is healing from it, but he also knows that Jean already liked him and would eventually cave, at least letting him be his friend, healing the things Kevin is still too scared to confront.

This is exactly what I meant when I said crash out

Let him be violent!! Yes, all of the ideas of doing pottery and biking are amazing, but those are sources of happiness, he still needs a rage outlet. I love the idea of him finding happiness in mundane things and I truly hope we get some of that, but I don't think he is going to be able to heal until he actually feels and processes his anger, because he truly is a raging inferno of hatred, let him burn things so something new can grow in the ashes.

"Jean considered biting the fingers that slipped pills between his lips" tsc p11

"Jean felt the tendrils of an old and ugly rage stir, and he knotted a bruised hand in the sheets like he could somehow hold it at bay through sheer force alone." p22-23

"'If you tell me to follow his lead, I will cut your throat open with my teeth', Jean said." p26

"The urge to tear Nathaniel's face open was so fierce he could barely breathe." p28

"It was the only way this worked: if Jean signed something that said he had to behave to be allowed to stay on the lineup, he could bite his tongue and stay his fists. It'd piss him off beyond the telling, but he could follow orders if it meant surviving another day. Without that black-and-white command his nature would get the better of him sooner or later, and then there'd be no saving him." p65-66

"Finding out he was little more than Riko's dog outside of practices had him lashing out with all the youthful rage he could muster." p79

"He was furious at Abby for implying he'd never tried to fight [...] 'Fuck you,' Jean said quietly, then louder: 'Fuck you.'" p79

"Jean couldn't explain that restless rage" p90

"'Yes,' he said, and if he didn't sound sure, he at least sounded angry. 'Let them all burn. I hope none of them survive.'" p142

"He wanted to throw Jeremy into a wall just to prove he could" p242

"Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who'd learned years ago not to bite back." p252

So Jeremy cannonically has had hookups, as in pural, which means hes probably pretty damn efficient at getting his clothes off. I can picture them all going into the locker room for change outs and Jeremy being in an in depth discussion with someone, completely unware of anything else around him, tugs the collar of his shirt forward then reachs back to his sholuder blades, pulling it off in one swift motion then unclasping his belt with three of the most well practiced flicks, not even looking, pantsbutton undone and just drops the waist of his pants as he reaches into his locker while still having said discussion like its nothing at all. 2.8 seconds and hes half naked and Jeans just in the background like 😳

Surprisingly not SBG related 😅

I just finsihed reading All For The Game and I am so hyperfixated and need to rant about it

Spoilers

1. People do not talk enough about how Neil told Kevin to get his pycho on a leash or he will and the forever after Andrew told him to never pull his leash again, they highlight his perfect memory all of the time and this is just another one of those moment but like Andrew knew that Neil was right when he said that. He does have a leash, and Kevin has pulled it a lot, whether he means to or not. But Neil has it too, but he doesnt use it the same, instead he holds tight and gives Andrew the choice, every time he give him the choice.

Like Andrew knows wholeheartedly Neil is his weak point even if he refuses to admit it but he has to say something about being emotionally manipulated, but I think it was more of a warning than a threat. He knows Neil has an upper hand, his 'dont pull my leash' seems more like 'you can make me do anything with a single word and that scares me' Neil is different to him and I think he is so entranced and terrfied of that realization, hints the 'its not a this' because if it was he could lose it. He has been pulled and pushed and dragged around for so long, he refuses to let the one person who asks him to do the same. Neil doesnt need to manipulate Andrew because Andrew is so willing to do anything he asks.

2. The whole please conversation broke me. I had to take a moment to calm down because it hit so horribly close to home. Andrew has been used and assulted and belittled for simply being there. He so desperately wants affection, who doesnt, but the memories of someone doing things to him against his will is so haunting. Thats why the yes or no is so important to him every single time, nevermind the always, he will ask anyway, because no one ever asked him. His 'no' was vetoed and his 'please' ignored. Neil didn't even need to know this to stop cold in his tracks the moment Andrew said to. Neil knows Andrew doesn't like to be touched and the breif moments when its allowed are barely okay, so he doesn’t push it because he doesn't want to lose those moments. He is willing to stand with time and wilter waiting for when its okay again. Yes sometimes he has reached out or crossed a line but several more times he reminded himself, he doesn't like to be touched. 'His hand froze a hair away' 'he remembered last second' and so many more times he forced himself not to because he has no right. Andrew sees this, sees how he is so willing to actively not hurt him. Neil disgards the times Andrew has crossed a line, has hurt his friends or got so angry he saw red because he undrestand how desperately Andrew is searching for control, of anything, he's never had it before. He could have killed Allison for slapping Aaron. He so tightly holds onto the few things he has. He won't let someone hurt or break or take anything he has left. Which is why I believe he hesitates when Neil says he's not going anywhere, because he has fought tooth and nail for all he has, to keep Aaron who wants to leave, to hold himself together after all he has been through. Neil is willing to stay by his side and asked Andrew to stop fighting for him. The simple 'no' followed by 'thats why' is all Neil needed to understand, Andrew wants Neil because he is willing to put himself aside. Because his 'no' means so much to Neil, and he would never break it.

I came so close to tear with these books 😭