Reclusive Child With Elaborate Imagination And Maladaptive Daydreaming To Plural Teenager Who Doesn’t

You’re welcome, glad I could be of help!

Need to start working on getting better communication with the other's cause I'm getting anxious about not being able to have a full conversation with them and having a hard time contacting them.

I don't quite know where to start so any advice would be nice :)

WEEE!! WEEEE!!! WEEE!!! YAYYY!! YIPPIE! WAHOO! AWAWAWA!!! WEE WEE WAA WAA WAA! ZWEEM !! BABABABA! YAHOOO WEE YAY WYEE !! WEWEWEE!!

Autumn in the Scottish Highlands

ellisreed

well i guess that's fine

Trying to figure out if a couple guys I know of are headmates or if they’re just OCs. Like yeah, they come with their own Vibes, but is that really enough to go off of? I think one fronted earlier but only for like ten seconds so who knows really?? And the other is just a Feeling I’ve had off and on since I was a kid and I put the feeling into an OC and recently I found a journal entry where I(?) was calling myself by his name… but I don’t know… halp….

I wanted to maladaptive daydream, but instead our littlest is co-con so I guess I’m just gonna hang out as it cracks up listening to Raffi songs. It’s alright. Apples and Bananas does go pretty hard.

I’m the host of our system. For those who may not know, that means I front the most and am generally in charge of day-to-day activities and responsibilities.

I am also a front bound host. Or front locked, front stuck, front sticky, whatever other terms you may know. This means, more or less, that I cannot leave front, at least not fully. I’m always aware of the outside to some extent and I have extremely little access to our headspace/innerworld.

For me and our system, this means a lot of things. It means that I’m the person most people outside know. It means that I make most of our decisions and generally get more authority over our life (for better or for worse). It means that I don’t get breaks. It means that majority of the time, the other members of our system can’t really front without going through me, blending with me, being covered by me.

I believe it’s unfair to live like this. The rest of my system doesn’t really get to fully be themselves on the outside. They don’t get to have their own lives, their own friends, their own body.

And for me, I can’t experience the inside. I’m cut off from the inner world/headspace, I’m cut off from anyone who isn’t also in/near front, our memories get all weird while fronting in order to keep things from me.

I have so much responsibility and yet all I really feel like is “the default”.

My headmates feel so special to me. So unique. Like they have purpose. And I know I do too, but half the time, all I feel like is another mask.

I don’t really get to know myself outside of the body. I don’t get to experience the inner world. I cannot physically interact with my headmates the same way they can with each other and it’s honestly isolating.

My job is to be the default, the mask, the “normal”. I’m not normal. Not generally speaking at least. Im neurodivergent, im queer, im weird. I’m still traumatized, I just experience it through frosted glass and ear muffs. But I still feel like the most “normal” person in this system

I feel like the most boring, the most unimportant, because I don’t even have a choice. None of us do. I have to be like this, I have to be in charge of everything, and I’m not even good at it. I don’t get it. I don’t get why I was placed in this role but there doesn’t seem to be any way to change it.

So I try my best at least.

I feel weird even talking about my experience being plural because being a frontbound host it feels like every aspect of me being plural is just the times that I’m not me. I feel like I’m telling other peoples stories, even when I’m involved.

I hate feeling like this is my system or my life because it’s not. I’m not the only one here. Me being the default doesn’t make me any more real or important than the others yet I’m practically forced to act that way cause that’s how everyone sees it.

But when I’m not saying everything is mine, it almost feels like nothing is, especially when it comes to being plural.

If it weren’t for my headmates existing, my life wouldn’t be different from any other singlet because Im always out. All of my plurality is tied to what the other people in my head do or experience and I wouldn’t experience any of that without them. It feels like the only thing that’s special about my plurality is my headmates.

They’re their own people, and they only get to express themselves openly on rare occasions. It almost feels like me talking about myself the same way they do is taking away from that because I already do that on my non-system accounts all the time. I’m the only one who ever gets to not be plural all the time, I’m the only one who gets to present as “normal” if I choose to

But it sucks feeling like I have to. It sucks feeling like this is all I am. I’m plural too. I’m part of this system, but because I’m frontbound, it doesn’t really feel like it. It feels like I’m a singlet who just watches the rest of my headmates do whatever without really being part of that plural experience or when they’re not fronting I’m just alone entirely and it’s weirdly isolating.

Frankly I’m not sure if there’s a point to this, I was just struggling to come up with ideas of what to make a comic about and it turned into this ramble. I figured some people could relate at the very least so I decided to turn it into a post anyways.

-🦩 (Jameson/Jamie, he/they/it)

The sucky thing about being plural and trans is that not everyone inside has figured out my pronouns and some still unintentionally default to feminine terms and she/her pronouns for me and some of the other guys, which just really sucks. I know one or two headmates use she/her pronouns but boy do I want the one caretaker I don’t know well to stop calling me a girl when comforting me :((

i love you systems who are disordered i love you systems who are traumagenic i love you systems who are traumaendo i love you systems who are endogenic i love you systems who are spiritual

i love you systems who have no headspace i love you systems who have a blurry/wavering headspace i love you systems who have a fluctuating headspace i love you systems who have a small headspace i love you systems who have a medium headspace i love you systems who have a big headspace i love you systems who have a gigantic headspace

i love you systems with neurodivergence i love you systems with cluster a disorders i love you systems with cluster b disorders i love you systems with cluster c disorders i love you systems with physical disorders i love you systems with mental disorders i love you systems with temporary disorders i love you systems with permanent disorders i love you systems with no disorders i love you systems with one disorder i love you systems with multiple disorders i love you systems with tons of disorders

i love you systems who have no headmates yet i love you systems who have little headmates i love you systems who have average amount of headmates i love you systems who have a big amount of headmates i love you systems who have a massive amount of headmates i love you systems who have infinite headmates

i love you systems who are stereotypical i love you systems who are your average every day person i love you systems who are fakeclaimed i love you systems who aren't fakeclaimed i love you systems who are posted to reddit threads i love you systems who aren't out as a system yet

i love you systems.

I could hear a discussion happening nearby in the headspace when I was focusing on Tetris and I could tell it was important, or at least the two that were talking thought it was important, and I was casually listening along as they came to a decision, but then the moment my game finished it was yoinked from my brain like a dream fading the moment you wake up. It’s a bit D: to feel like there’s something I’m supposed to know, though I’m not sure if they knew I was listening or not