Please, Do Not Be Intimidated I Am Not Really That Cold

I don't like anything I wrote today It's all too depressing And I'm not depressed I don't think

It's just January dragging me down Down into the snow No one's dreaming of white anymore No one's dreaming of January

The grackles are sitting in limp trees Shifting around quietly, waiting For the ground to thaw But it will be several months still

You say goodnight to me As though singing a song Against my earlobe Whispering a melodic prayer Beating against my eardrum The rhythm of your words A steady lullaby kiss Melting on my lips as you Fade with me into a dream

I didn't put you on a pedestal for worship I lifted you up As high as you deserved Which was, of course, very high What is it like in the sky? I am grounded I promise It was never just the idea of you How I wish you would touch me down here

"Be gentle with me" I say to myself, or to my thoughts I want to detach myself from them Thought and I Are not one in the same

Thoughts can be cruel tricksters Jokers and bandits They reside within me at times But they do not speak in my voice They snicker when I do not

"Be forgiving" I say to myself, in spite of my thoughts No one is as savage as they are Intruders, there is a "No Loitering" sign You can enter but you cannot stay

A lyric in a song speaks To me, it lights my mind Clicking my pen And I will think of those words Just two, or a phrase Mulling them over Ruminating on an element The same one I always think of The idea of water Again I'll think of the ocean Or of beaches, of swimmers, Just the word "dive"

And I won't end up writing About diving at all Not about hearts in the sea Nothing at all nautical But the word "dive" It just sounds so nice Saying it aloud so softly Rolling a wave in my mouth And then silently I'll retract the pen Put my headphones back on Thinking, thinking, zoning

Instead I will write about Writing, or a process About listening to music Thinking about words that I don't put down, about Images of swimmers with tanks Reaching the ocean floor To find a lover's guarded Buried treasure, but I won't write about that I'll keep it locked up Safe in my mind forever Unsaid, unwritten, remembered

I speak to you inside my mind My inner world a sanctuary A holy place just for myself I would have you sit here with me

Watch the water as it flows My river of thoughts and words Walk with me through wet grass Full of insects and hunting birds

Do you feel safe here with me? There's a soft and misty glow In the sunrise of my imagination I hope you feel at home

I am not embarrassed or afraid I am messy and flawed and bare In a open field of chamomile flowers I am myself with you and that's rare

Maybe I laugh a little too much Like a part of me is ashamed But I opened this world to you Our fears laid out to be reclaimed

I feel you move inside my head Move me with all that you are You're as real as anything we feel As the light from a newborn star

She sneaks back into my head Tiptoes her way into the room In the middle of the night For a second I didn't know She was gone But she wakes me with A whisper kiss on my cheek

I'm drowzy and she's Wide awake And with sleep filled eyes I watch her paint the walls Create her masterpieces In all my memories of her

We were just a secret crush We were meaningful glances And brushed fingertips Kisses in empty hallways Deep breaths in frozen rooms

She's still making art here More alive than she ever was More energy than she ever had More awake in my dreams Than she had been before She fell into her deep sleep

I hear her quiet footsteps As she moves between worlds Multiplying every thought Hearing all the words We all should have said

Between everyone she visits Through every broken door She still sings to us And even as a phantom dancer I carry her around She's no secret anymore She made sure of that

I never owned you You lived a life beside me Our love was equal

When I have swam too far And been lost in my emotion You have been the lighthouse That brought me out of the ocean

When I have flown too high Out of the atmosphere You have brought me back to earth And made me long to be here

I have never ran too far Or trekked alone in the snow The idea that I might miss you Has kept me safe you know

And when I have been too quiet When darkness filled my sky The image of your smiling face Has kept my guarded heart alive

When the curled up cat Stretches out to reveal Its soft warm belly And the heat from its fur Rises up onto your hands Before you touch the body That's trusting and Purring just for you

That's what my love Feels like Unfurled and vulnerable And warm without Ever putting your Hands on me

When the notes are soft In a smooth tender song That lull inside the Fullness of your heart When the chorus comes In a melody that makes You think of drinking Coffee on a winter night

That's what my love Feels like A house to come home to When you turn the keys Lights already on I am that sigh of relief