Space-cadet-25 - Spaced Out...

"Heck Yes! We're Transgendered" from Transgender Tapestry magazine (1997)

"oh sorry, i guess i was infodumping again" - sad, shy, apologetic

"you sly dog, you got me monologuing" - cool, strong, confident

minecraft is the perfect video game, actually

when I say that I don't mean it doesnt have its flaws, because it does - but it feels to me like the platonic ideal of a video game.

there are monsters to fight, but they're completely optional. the game is fully customizable. theres a suggested path, but nothing forces you to do it. it's just you and an empty world and absolutely anything you could want to do; it's the truest form of sandbox. even the world itself could be anything you want it to be

its kid friendly but not for kids only; it includes challenges that young players can overcome without getting too horribly frustrated and it encourages creativity (which means it will get support from children's guardians because it mostly keeps away from violence). but importantly, it's not sanitized - the nether is a hell dimension, one wrong move in the end could cost you everything, the terrifying warden - this fulfills children's desires to be scared in a safe environment! its exciting!

while this can sometimes bite mojang in the ass, I love that they try and include the community in the creative process, showing progress and ideas and asking for feedback and help with finding bugs. when minecraft is finally considered "complete", if that ever happens, it will feel like such a time capsule of the hard work of the devs and the desires of the player base, the special little thing that we made together

speaking of kids, I love that during Mojang's live events, it feels like they treat all players equally: adults and their questions & ideas feel just as included as kids and their questions & ideas. they speak to everyone at once, in ways that are easy for kids to listen to and be engaged with (shoutout to lydia) but that dont feel alienating to adults like myself. that's a pretty hard line to walk and I feel like they do it really well!

minecraft encourages players to be kind, to be constructive, to look at the world around them and think "what can this become?" minecraft wants players to make art, to become artists; it's a tool, it's an engine, it's a platform, it's a canvas. it's cozy. it's frighteningly lonely. it's a world that evolves seemingly on its own. it's something really beautiful

they posted a full version lol it's mr Stacy's dad for me

Okay so this is gonna be a long, long ass post about Katherine Howard's 'arc' as expressed in All You Wanna Do, especially in response to some criticisms leveled against the pieces as glorifying or downplaying childhood sexual abuse (CSA).

The problem with the song is that it is in a genre not usually rife for analysis. It's so over the top that people assume there can't possibly be room for subtlety- they assume everything in the song must be be exactly as presented, because where is there room for nuance in a cheerful bubblegum pop song?

The problem is that there are so many things that generally speaking, only people who have a lot of familiarity with victims of CSA- whether because they themselves were victims (as I myself was) or because they know them- would have any chance of knowing. It flies over the heads of anyone who isn't in on these little "secrets." The people who haven't been there don't get it, and the ones who have... we know. And it is powerful.

So off the top of my head, here is a list of behaviors, patterns of thought, etc exhibited by Katherine Howard throughout the song that only someone familiar with CSA would pick up on:

1. Childishness. Of course some people simply have childish personalities, but there's a different kind of childishness (some) CSA victims display compared to others. It's a childishness interspersed with precociousness (and this is represented very well in Howard's dress). You know things you aren't supposed to know at your age- but you retain too much innocence, too much trust, too much of an outwardly cheerful attitude.

"Playtime's over" and "fairest of the fair" (a paraphrase of a line from a fairytale) as a motif throughout the song? The use of immature euphemisms, jokes, and slang words, like "birds and the bees me" for sex? The choice of pink as her color? The choice of bubblegum pop for her song genre? Yeah. It's all deliberate.

2. Downplaying the facts of the abuse. This is where the biggest misunderstanding of all comes from. People are angry that Howard is singing cheerfully about her abuse, that she never spells it out as such.

There's a reason for that. Many CSA victims don't realize for a long time- maybe even ever- that they were abused. When they do realize this, it tends to be met by downplaying, for any of a list of reasons too long to get into here. In Katherine's case, the most likely explanation based on her behavior is simple denial. She's putting on a happy front as she tries to process the facts of what happened to her. If you listen carefully, you can see the cracks start to appear at the end of the song, but much of this is lost if you listen only to the cast recording- it needs to be watched on stage for the full effect.

The choice of bubblegum pop (also to display her childishness, as noted above- because childishness and happiness/innocence are invariably conflated in media) for the song, the forced, awkward smiles on her face, the use of dirty jokes and double entendres to hide/obscure the facts (another coping mechanism widely used by CSA victims)...

She's downplaying it because she herself is barely able to understand what happened to her, and because the behavior started so early (and in such a "different time" as she notes) that it was formative and normalized for her. We are supposed to see what is happening to her and understand that this is wrong, because the piece relies on our understanding, as a modern society, that this is wrong- something she never would have been given. There were hundreds of factors that made it impossible for her to confront the facts of having been sexually abused. It's a very meta presentation.

3. Issues with attachment and conflation of sex with love. This is another one where explaining the why would require its own essay; suffice it to say that it is very, very common for those who have been sexually abused at a young age. Sometimes it's due to things the perpetrator said as a way to manipulate the victim into believing it was okay.

Katherine repeatedly takes comfort in the idea that even if she isn't okay with the sexual abuse, she feels loved. "Run your fingers through my hair// Tell me, I'm the fairest of the fair"- she is negotiating with herself, telling herself that the wounds to her dignity as a person are worth it as long as she gets the love and affection she is lacking.

She can't conceive of one without the other. If there's love without sex, that means she could have had it all along and been spared the pain. If there's sex without love, that means the men who hurt her didn't love her, which meant all of it happened for nothing. Either would be disastrous to the worldview she's set up as a coping mechanism. They cannot be unlinked.

4. The choreography. Okay, so this isn't her behavior specifically, but it was the only way to group all these things neatly together, and this is another case of the cast recording only telling part of Katherine's story.

Watch the other queens very, very carefully if you get tickets to the show or can find a bootleg, which I am sorry to say most definitely do not exist on YouTube. Searching "Six slime tutorial" is certainly not going to yield results, because no one would ever call a bootleg a "slime tutorial" to avoid getting flagged by the automatic anti-copyright infringement software on YouTube. If you watch this nonexistent video, you will find a progression of touch from the queens in the choreography that mirrors subtle changes in Katherine's body language.

The touches not only symbolizes her abuse, but her level of realization that what happened wasn't okay. Early on, she convinces herself the abuse was a loving relationship, a precocious first boyfriend; the touches are light, happy pats on her shoulder, and she accepts them with a smile. By the end of the song, as Thomas's betrayal sends her spiraling, she is nearly in tears. The other queens are increasingly persistent in touching her, and it's no longer just her shoulders; it's all over her arms, middle, and legs. She is visibly distressed, trying to shake them off to no avail, before she finally surrenders (and you can see the moment if you watch her face) and lets them do it.

The choreography, in short, is mirroring the story of her series of abuses. The "boil the frog" descent from okay to despair; the gradual dissolution of her concept of boundaries; her mounting horror at the realization that all along, she was nothing but an object to these men.

It's all deliberate and paints a much clearer picture than the song itself. It's also completely lost if you listen to the cast album only.

5. The reoccurring nature of the abuse. No one ever seems to have the heart to bring up one particularly depressing fact with childhood abuse victims- they're infinitely more likely to be abused again later. There's a lot of reasons for it; the shortest (albeit overly simplified) explanation is that there's a subconscious recognition of dynamics on the part of both perpetrator and victim that leads them to seek each other out, the perpetrator wanting an 'easy target' and the victim going along with what is already familiar to them. (This should NOT be mistaken as any kind of victim-blaming statement; this is not saying they have any complicity in their own subsequent abuses.)

Katherine Howard bounces from abusive relationship to abusive relationship because, quite simply, she doesn't know anything else. She doesn't know what a healthy and loving relationship looks like.

6. The internalization of victim-blaming narratives. Katherine has tons of little tells that she internalized a lot of blame. "I was 13, going on 30"- blaming her own precociousness for the abuse. "He invited me to be his little piece of ass...istant" said like a funny joke, but also... not a joke, because on some level she thinks that's all she is. Further, victims of abuse are also known to internalize phrases said to them by their attackers and repeat those verbally; while not confirmed, several of her lines seem like things she was told by the men who abused her at various times.

7. Trusting too much. Victims of CSA do... almost everything in extremes. Trust is one of them. There really isn't a lot of middle ground, there isn't a healthy amount of moderation. So, in the case of trust?

You either get a "trust no bitch, I wouldn't seek help if my toe fell off" type, or a "okay, he is wearing a costume made of literal red flags, but this time he's different, honest!" outlook. No in between.

"I think this time is different" is something CSA victims in the latter camp say a lot. If you don't start to detest everyone, you overcompensate by telling yourself everyone must be wonderful, no one else would ever, ever do what those guys did. And then they do... again.

"Why did I think he'd be different?" is what happens after one too many "I think this time is different"s.

8. The desperation for platonic companionship. This one, of course, isn't in any way exclusive to CSA victims, just like childishness or being too trusting. But in the greater picture of Katherine's characterization? Yeah.

She has so much to offer. She's intelligent, a fast learner, a great musician, funny, and (facade put on for the fake contest aside) quite sweet. She wants to be seen as a human being just once. But none of them ever do. She's only ever sex to these men, and only will be sex. And you can see the realization hit her as she sings about Thomas, leading to...

9. The realization. Some CSA victims have 'the realization' in bits and pieces. They learn this thing wasn't okay, and this thing wasn't either, and so on. Others get it all at once. Maybe it's spelled out to them, or maybe they've been lying to themselves that it was okay for so long that the cognitive dissonance collapses all at once.

Katherine had the latter. Suddenly, Thomas's actions- whatever they were- forced her to realize that everything had happened before was never okay.

Compare her first verse, "All you wanna do, baby //Is please me, squeeze me, birds and the bees me//Run your fingers through my hair//Tell me, I'm the fairest of the fair" with "All you wanna do, baby//Squeeze me, don't care if you don't please me//Bite my lip and pull my hair//As you tell me, I'm the fairest of the fair." She recognizes now that there was never any love or tenderness in the actions; rather than her hair being stroked, it's being pulled. She is forced to recognize the harm done to her.

And in the span of a verse, her entire demeanor changes. The choreography, as mentioned above, becomes more invasive and uncomfortable to watch, her body language becomes increasingly desperate, her voice starts to crack and sound desperate.

She gets angry. She's not trying to convince herself she was just a boy-crazy teenager anymore. She realizes what was done to her was wrong, it wasn't fair, and guess what? She has no one to get angry at because she's being beheaded for "promiscuity outside of wedlock" as she said in Ex-Wives.

That anger, by the way? Another very common reaction in traumatized folks of all kinds, including CSA victims.

10. Katherine's idea of a happy ending. Alright, so this one isn't from All You Wanna Do, but it's still important.

"Music man tried it on// And I was like "Bye!"// So I thought "Who needs him?// I can give it a try"// I learned everything// Now all I do is sing// And I'll do that until I die"

There are several things happening here. Firstly- while the other queens link their revisions of their lives to Henry directly, hers starts long before him, with Mannox ("music man"). She realizes how damaging this first instance of abuse was, how much it trapped her in a cycle she couldn't escape from. Henry was only the last in a disastrous domino effect.

Secondly, notice the wish expressed in those lines? "Who needs him// I can give it a try". She wishes she had had some self-esteem. Abusers are notorious for either exploiting victims with low self-esteem, or for deliberately inducing this, because someone who thinks lowly of themselves will often put up with much worse behaviors than others. Further, she's also expressing a wish for the agency she was denied all her childhood- which is another very common sentiment in adult CSA victims.

Thirdly, she's reclaiming her love of music. "Now all I do is sing// And I'll do that until I die." Notice how in All You Wanna Do, after Mannox, she never mentions anything about music as a hobby again? It's all work and 'boys' and her futile searches for platonic friendship. Mannox ruined her love of music, possibly by making it triggering for her. These lines are expressing her desire to take back the thing that brought her the most joy before the string of abusive men she faced. This is a huge step in the recovery process for victims of trauma; it's not universal by any means, but very common for some previously loved thing to be lost due to some kind of association with the trauma. Reclaiming it, finding joy in it again, is a huge part of recovery.

She finds a love of music again, a sense of pride and self-sufficiency, and a group of friends/support system who understand exactly what she's been through in the queens. Out of all the queens except Parr, she finds the companionship of the other queens most important for reclaiming what was taken from her by Henry.

--

Understanding Katherine Howard's abuse is essential, in my opinion, for understanding her arc as a character. And understanding that, in turn, is essential for understanding that Six was never an endorsement or downplaying of her trauma. The only "problem" (and in my opinion, it's not fair to call it a problem like it was a downside) was that it was subtle in a format where viewers don't expect subtlety.

If you have the right lens when you watch it, though, it isn't subtle at all. It jumps out at you. It's an infinitely different experience when you listen to All You Wanna Do as "a fan of Six" versus "a CSA survivor seeing your own story reflected on the stage."

Apologies for the length of this analysis, but having seen some people insist that All You Wanna Do was Moss/Marlow trying to "have their cake and eat it too" with regards to sexual abuse, among other things, I felt compelled to jump in and explain exactly why that is a horribly off-base interpretation. If you look at her story from the perspective of a CSA survivor, everything makes sense, I think.

I'm kinda worried for Jimmy, he hasn't posted Double Life hunger games yet

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Specific things about certain songs I like that make me start frothing at the mouth like a rabid raccoon when I hear them:

The soft violin solo that plays at 1:35 in "The Crooked Kind" by Radical Face, like the heralding of a distant thunderstorm that you can see rolling in the distance.

When Florence starts chanting "Who's a heretic now?" in "Which Witch", which is the best song on the album and it is a CRIME that it was just a demo (don't let Spotify fool you it was listed as a demo until recently).

The way the chunky guitar and drums build before the second chorus of "Double Vision" by Family and Friends, which is sung with some kind of soft anguish that always breaks my heart into pieces.

The pianowork in "Garden" by Cold Weather Company is complimented by a fuckin' pianica of all things and it absolutely should not work but it does and drives me nuts when it hops in like Jesus.

David Le'aupepe's vocal's in "The Man Himself" by Gang of Youths. This man is a horrifically underrated singer and I would pay every ounce of money I have to see him belt this song out live.

Just the subject of "Staring at the Stars" by Passenger. I love songs that revel in the fact that their subjects are complete and utter losers, and there's something kinda hopeful in and of that as well.

The masterful guitarwork on "The Graduate" by the Arcadian Wild but particularly by the mandolinist. It's insane how fast that man can strum those chords out.

I could make an entire list based on The Oh Hellos alone but when the whole band chimes in behind Maggie Heath to sing "--any little Messiah" in "Passerine", it's not only amazing but a literal callback of the "birds of a kind" lyric that comes right before it and Idk I think that's neat.

The chemistry between the two lead singers of "Home to Me" by Devil and the Deep Blue Sea-- it is genuinely a failing of society that they never got big nor released more than 8 songs.

That quiet, warm optimism you can hear in every word and even in that fuckin'...I don't know, panflute synth?...in "Summerland" by half-alive. This song is like watching a sunset on a half-empty beach with all your closest friends, finally reveling in the warmth that you can only find in early June.

The rising, building vitriol of the two singers in "The Descent" by Bastille (the man is Dan Smith, the woman is Lily Moore). I LOVE songs where both singers are just fucking furious with each other it's so sexy, and Moore in particular kills it.

Changing the final line of "No Lullaby" by SIAMES from "Where's the love when you were left on your own?" to "Who said you're on your own?"-- in an album centered around broken homes, it's a nice way to end a song centered around familial abandonment on a hopeful note.

The way the last line of "Leaves in the River" by Sea Wolf is sung-- a soft, hopeful, almost wistful sigh of a man who's just fallen head over heels in love (or at least that's how I interpret it).

WEIRDLY SPECIFIC BUT HELPFUL CHARACTER BUILDING QUESTIONS

What’s the lie your character says most often?

How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’?

How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing?

What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

What’s their favorite [insert anything] that they’ve never recommended to anyone before?

What would you (mun) yell in the middle of a crowd to find them? What would their best friend and/or romantic partner yell?

How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive?

What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?

If someone was impersonating them, what would friends / family ask or do to tell the difference?

What’s something that makes them laugh every single time? Be specific!

When do they fake a smile? How often?

How do they put out a candle?

What’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone?

What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head?

What do they notice first in the mirror versus what most people first notice looking at them?

Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)?

What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding?

Who do they like as a person but hate their work? Vice versa, whose work do they like but don’t like the person?

What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it?

What simple activity that most people do / can do scares your character?

What do they feel guilty for that the other person(s) doesn’t / don’t even remember?

Did they take a cookie from the cookie jar? What kind of cookie was it?

What subject / topic do they know a lot about that’s completely useless to the direct plot?

How would they respond to being fired by a good boss?

What’s the worst gift they ever received? How did they respond?

What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want?

How do they respond when someone doesn’t believe them?

When they make a mistake and feel bad, does the guilt differ when it’s personal versus when it’s professional?

When do they feel the most guilt? How do they respond to it?

If they committed one petty crime / misdemeanor, what would it be? Why?

How do they greet someone they dislike / hate?

How do they greet someone they like / love?

What is the smallest, morally questionable choice they’ve made?

Who do they keep in their life for professional gain? Is it for malicious intent?

What’s a secret they haven’t told serious romantic partners and don’t plan to tell?

What hobby are they good at in private, but bad at in front of others? Why?

Would they rather be invited to an event to feel included or be excluded from an event if they were not genuinely wanted there?

How do they respond to a loose handshake? What goes through their head?

What phrases, pronunciations, or mannerisms did they pick up from someone / somewhere else?

If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be?

What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

What language would be easiest for them to learn? Why?

What’s something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately?

Are they a listener or a talker? If they’re a listener, what makes them talk? If they’re a talker, what makes them listen?

Who have they forgotten about that remembers them very well?

Who would they say ‘yes’ to if invited to do something they abhorred / strongly didn’t want to do?

Would they eat something they find gross to be polite?

What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you (mun) personally don’t agree with?

What’s a phrase they say a lot?

Do they act on their immediate emotions, or do they wait for the facts before acting?

Who would / do they believe without question?

What’s their instinct in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn situation?

What’s something they’re expected to enjoy based on their hobbies / profession that they actually dislike / hate?

If they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? Does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

What’s a simple daily activity / motion that they mess up often?

How many hobbies have they attempted to have over their lifetime? Is there a common theme?

Bees Dice Set // Crystal Maggie on Etsy