Chapter 8: What's Mine You Cannot Have

Chapter 8: What's Mine You Cannot Have

SUMMARY: Denial is not just a river in Egypt as they say, but two stubborn people can sure try and deny themselves as best they can. Makes it even easier when you add an extra player to the game. But what happens when one of the players didn't know the rules had changed? And what will they do to make it back in their favor?

WORD COUNT: 5.3 k

WARNINGS: smut, love triangle, snark, explicitly language, mentions of smut, adult themes, unhealthy relationships

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Juicy, juicy claiming happening here and I love it! As always, if you wish to be added to the tag list let me know! And happy reading 😈😈

PART 7:

Heavy breathing filled the walls of the gym as in a collective you and Bucky clung to each other, an entirely new creature created from your union, taking a moment to catch your breaths. You could feel your pulse match his in perfect unison, slowing your heart rate ever so subtly with each inhale and exhale until you both were able to relax and the wave of pleasure subsided. Bucky finally released you from his grip after another minute or so and carefully set your feet back down onto the ground. 

This was Buck, the man you’d had sex with consistently plenty of times and that meant he knew your body and what it took to get you to reach that little death and you did, but something about it wasn’t how you remembered it to be not even that long ago. It must have been written all over your face because the moment Bucky looked into it, his brow furrowed in concern. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, searching your eyes for a hint.

You bit your lips, not wanting to say anything until you yourself had figure out the answer to that question, but it looked like Buck wasn’t going to let it go. “It- it’s nothing,” you said with a shake of your head for emphasis. 

Silence permeated the room as you stood naked and still. “I don’t think it’s nothing, doll,” he pushed gently.

What the hell were you supposed to say? That this wasn’t what you thought it would be? That even though you had wanted to sleep with him, that the only thing you could think about was someone you said you hated? He felt the same as he always had, he possessed that familiar feeling and comfort you enjoyed before, but it wasn’t the fucking same. You could have said it and you had every right to, but you realized you actually cared that speaking that shit aloud could crush him. 

Quietly, you both pulled back on your clothing and once everything was back on the way he had it, Bucky went and sat himself down on the nearest piece of exercise equipment as you finished your dressing. His eyes tracked your movements and you could feel his gaze on you even though you did not look back up at him; the silent tension was beginning to fill the room like a heavy fog and you knew one of you would eventually have to say something. When you hesitantly looked back up at him after putting it off for as long as humanly possible, there was something behind those piercing blue eyes that reminded you of when you first met.

“Don’t, Buck,” you warned with a tilt of your head. 

“Don’t what?” Bucky asked so gently it made your heart sting.

Shaking your head, you locked eyes. “You know damn well what I’m talking about,” you threatened with a severe lack of conviction that made your skin crawl. “I meant what I said.”

Bucky didn’t let up though, looking on you like you were a fucking Rembrandt. “I know, I know, I just- I just want to look at you, that’s all.”

You ran your fingers through your hair, straightening it so that you could retie it up into the ponytail that you had before all this started. “Well, get a good hard look because once I’m done with this, the only part of me you are gonna see is my ass promptly walking the other way.”

Your hands were still in your hair as you watched him get up from his seat and move back in closer towards you. The was something on his lips: a question, a statement, another damned confession; you didn’t rightly know, but you were sure it was not going to end well whatever it was.

“You know, I meant what I said too,” he breathed, his hands flitting across your hips. “I know they are just some words and that means jack shit after everything, but I… need you to know that I am sorry… for all of it.” 

“Stop…saying that, alright?” your voice quavered slightly. “You’re just repeating yourself and you know how much I hate that.”

Bucky wanted to say it, just come right out with the truth of it that he wanted you back, but something stayed his tongue. The damage had already been done, but he could admit it now that he had been afraid not because you had things inside of you that were still broken, but that he wasn’t strong enough to walk beside you as you conquered them. That weakness that had been inside of him now screamed at him to get his redemption and goddammit he wanted to prove that he could be the man you needed him to be… if only just to show how truly remorseful he really was.

That wasn’t the only obstacle that stood in his way of begging for you back; the other would be returning to the compound in a few days and he truly wondered if put side by side, which would you chose? When this whole shitshow started, it was painfully obvious even to Bucky that you were out for attention, his attention, and it did work like a charm. However, at some point it became less clear where the acting ended and reality began. That was ultimately what kept him quiet; he may have deserved to look the fool, confessing things that you didn’t reciprocate, but he didn’t want any part of that and so he would wait and see how Loki’s homecoming would go.   

There was too much silence as you watched your ex get lost in his thoughts and you had to break that fucking unbearable quiet. “Listen, Buck,” you said with a clearing of your throat, “you were right earlier when you said we are like fire and gasoline. When it’s good, it’s really fucking good between us, but when it’s bad, it’s out of control and damn near destructive. I mean, just look at how we ended things; we could barely stand to be in the same room together without screaming. Do you think that’s healthy?”

It was Bucky’s turn to shake his head. “No, I know…” his voice trailed off at the end as his calculated how best to say this. “… but people can change you know. I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. Just because something was one way doesn’t mean it stays like that, you know?”

Bucky stayed quiet after that for a while, leaving you to your thoughts. You hadn’t expected him to be this way, but nothing about your relationships ever went according to what you expected. Watching him closely, scrutinizing his body language, you wondered what he could be thinking about. Finally, he broke the silence this time. 

“What if things were different? What if things could change?” he hypothesized. “What would you do then?”

You didn’t know how to respond, the questions caught you so goddamn unprepared. “I don’t know, Buck,” you answered honestly as you shook your head. “I can’t exist on a fucking wish. How in the hell could I ever trust that things wouldn’t go right back once times got hard again? I know you, I know you just as well as I know myself, and we are the type of people that don’t just change like that.” You snapped your fingers for emphasis. 

“You have no idea what I’m capable of when it comes to you,” Bucky said tenderly. “I could do so much and just for you. Would Loki say the same?”

Here he was bringing up that shit again, as if your mind wasn’t already in chaos, but sure might as well add some more. This wasn’t nearly complicated enough. Still, you were never going to tell him that; no, you’d keep the status quo if it killed you. “Doesn’t matter,” you shook your head, “we aren’t talking about him, we are talking about you. Loki and I have nothing going on that doesn’t involve our genitals. Stop deflecting and tell me I’m right.”

A gentle hand cupped your cheek, holding it delicately against the cool metal of his bionic arm. So much destruction had come from that appendage, so much pain, but you had made it feel like a part of him again and he never forgot that you made sure he knew you were never afraid. His eyes sparkled something fierce as he gazed back down into your own.

“This time, babygirl,” he whispered, “you really are wrong.”

And before your lips could meet another time, he released your face and swiftly made his way towards the doors of the gym and slipped off into the confines of the compound, leaving you speechless and figuratively spinning with confusion. Your mind was grasping for anything to pull you out of this and the last thought you had before grabbing your things and nearly sprinting out of there was wondering if Loki was having the same shit time that you were.

And what you could not know was that he undoubtedly was.

“I cannot believe you brother.”

From out of the nothingness of dreamless sleep, Loki felt the icy cold splash of water hitting him directly in the face and taking his breath away. Instantly he sat up off his place upon the carpeted floor, sputtering and coughing before immediately grabbing his head from the immense, sharp, stabbing pain; it felt like it would explode from the way his temples pounded violently. He blinked several times as he worked to get his eyes to adjust to the piercing bright light flooding his eyesight, not knowing where he was or what was happening, but finally he was able to focus on the hulking figure that stood before him.

“What was that for?” Loki asked with indignation, wiping the liquid from his face with a heavy hand. How dare he be awaken in such a violent way. 

Thor didn’t move from his spot, simply crossing his arms as he glared down at the heap of his brother still sprawled across the ground like a wet dishtowel discarded. “Do you know what the time is?” he questioned back loud enough to make Loki’s ears ring. “I’ve been trying to wake you for hours.”

“Well, could you possibly do it a little more quietly?” he snarled back. “My head feels like I’ve taken a beating straight to the temples.”

Moving to the side table closest to him, Thor set the large glass cup he had used to wake his brother down with a thud, not caring if it hurt to hear or not. “From the talk buzzing about, you seemingly had drunk enough to empty the bar last night, so I am not surprised,” he admonished. 

Loki rolled over until he was on his hands and knees in an attempt to get to his feet, but he was going to have to take this slow as the turning of his stomach wasn’t helping. He tried his hardest to remember what it is that happened after he had left the house, but his head still throbbed and made it almost impossible to think. “Since when do you care about my extracurricular activities?” he shot back.

A strong grip was in Loki’s armpit before Thor yanked him to his feet. He had to cling to his brother a moment so that the room would stop spinning so damned fast. “Since you seemed to go on a drunken tirade through the middle of town and now we are both in trouble, that is when,” Thor returned. 

Once the room became still again in his sight, Loki’s blurred vision caught another figure in the room with them, except this one was topless and still asleep in his bed. Whincing as if it physically hurt to remember, his memory slowly returned itself back to him in pieces: a rundown bar, a decently attractive woman, too much liquor, and possibly something to do with the releasing of livestock. His heart dropped into his feet, taking his stomach with it until he had to dry heave a moment. 

Calming himself, he turned his head back to Thor. “What did I do?” he asked, defeated. 

“Oh, just general mayhem and chaos as per usual for you,” Thor

 chuckled while dragging the heap of brother towards the bathroom located in his room. “But I’ve been gracious enough to pull a few strings so that with some minor community service, all will be forgiven.”

Why did that not bring him the same joy to hear as it once did? Even though he could not entirely tell up from down right now, why did he feel a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that wasn’t from the current bout of nausea?  

Thor began to move at the behest of his brother, walking them both towards the bathroom. “Come, let’s get you cleaned up so that we can get this over with,” he said as he gently pushed a wobbling mischief-maker to the door frame before his attention was back to the interior of the room and particularly the bed. “And what shall I do with the woman still asleep? Care to say your goodbyes?” 

Loki gritted his teeth as he clung to the frame for stability. “Get her out of here however you must, I do not wish to see her again if I may help it,” he demanded and quickly made his way inside, slamming the door with a thud before moving to switch on the shower to flood the meager room with sound.  

His hands touched the cool stone countertop around the sink and as he did he looked up. The large mirror situated on the wall behind the sink glared back

 unflinchingly, showing him the reality of his debauchery last night and how ghastly it made him. Loki was quite the mess: hair in tangled disarray, eyes puffy with purple bags, his skin incredibly pale; he was a far cry away from the put together debonair that he usually presented him as and yet all of that did not matter to him in the slightest. 

Even through his poorly state he could still feel that tightness in his chest and realized that nothing he did had helped at all in removing the thought of you. Seeing the naked back of that woman in his bed, her hair the same color as yours, he was taken right back to that feeling of wishing you were there. It was such an overwhelming feeling that struck his heart of his wish that it were you that he had pleasured the night before  and if it had not been for Thor’s insistence on getting him moving, he might have fainted just from the intensity of it all. 

He slammed his fists hard on the countertop, hoping the physical pain would numb everything else, but it did little. “Dammit,” he muttered quietly under his breath. “I truly am royally fucked.”

Looking back up into the mirror, he caught his own eyes staring back at him in his reflection and he could see the answer plan as day written in his gaze. Though he wanted to yell at himself until his mind was somehow altered, that wouldn’t do him any good. This had happened very rarely in his life, but when it did it was a monumental bitch to stomp out.

“Why her?” he asked his reflection. “Why me?”

His countenance in the mirror had no more answers to give him than he knew and so he hung his head in resignation, taking a deep, drawn out breath before removing his stinking garb and hopping into the steaming abyss of the shower. At least his outward appearance could be returned to its glory while the turmoil bubbled away inside.

It actually worked in his favor to be in a bit of hot water, for the time seemed to pass even faster as he was made to clean up the bar he nearly destroyed with his drunken antics, repair the damage done by his little freedom run with a pack of nearby cow and sheep, and personally make amends for his transgressions. In fact, it took nearly the rest of the week and by the time everything was finished Valkyrie had returned and the brothers were set to depart for home.

That morning as they awoke and packed their things for their departure, Thor could not help but notice that there was a little more pep in his brother’s movements. Not happy, mind you, just noticeable enough to have attention drawn to it. Even the way Loki made his way outside so that Thor could transport them back to the compound seemed almost… excited. 

“Only a week we’ve been away and yet here you are chomping at the bit to get back. Any particular reason?” Thor picked as he shoved him playfully.

Loki shot him a look as a warning. “I don’t know what you are talking about,” he dismissed him. “just ready to be rid of these people and back to my normal solitude.”

“Oh really?” Thor said as he shrugged. “Must be my imagination then.”

“I’m glad you can admit your faults,” Loki retorted, slowing his pace to be more nonchalant, standing still next to Thor who took them back as he chuckled quietly to himself. 

As soon as Loki entered the compound, he could tell that something in the air was different; it wasn’t the same place as he had left it and it made him strangely nervous. He had hoped you would be waiting for his return, but you were nowhere to be found and it disappointed him, though he shook it off as his subconscious being silly. 

Even as he went about his tasks of unpacking his things and reorganizing his life back into normality, he could not shake that something had happened here that would not be to his benefit. It truly ate at him in the back of his mind, like the dark clouds that unroll themselves upon the skies just before it rains, and he sat in that grim mood while his drawers were refilled this his clothing and as he stepped into his bathroom to replace his toiletries in the proper places. 

It was then that he heard the unmistakable sound of his door being opened and closed with a quickness as someone hurriedly moving inside his room. He could already feel the presence even before his eyes laid upon the person and as he popped his head around the door frame instantly he was met with the suspected culprit: you, in the flesh.

The moment you both locked eyes with one another he was already on the move, his arms bracing themselves around your waist, shoving you until you were pinned to the wall as his mouth hungrily recaptured your own. Fuck, he had been starved of you for far too long and the desperate, aggressive kisses currently assaulting your lips one after the other were completely evident of that. 

“What, they don’t have any whores for you to mess around with out in New Asgard?” you questioned breathlessly through breaks in embraces. “Couldn’t even get your dick wet? Seems like you missed me.”

Loki answered your question with even more aggression, his hand wrenching your thigh up towards his hip as if to wrap around him, those greedy fingertips digging themselves into the meat as he thrust slow and deep against your clothed cunt. “Stop. Talking.” he growled with that malice that made you tremble.

As his mouth re-locked itself with yours, his strong arms picked you up and dragged you over towards the bed where he set you down; a reunion like this was bound to take some time and he wanted you sprawled out like a platter ready for him to dine upon. As he set you down on the surface, he threw off his shirt before ripping your clothes from you and spreading you open with his hands.

Loki’s face descended between your legs, placing burning hot kisses along the inner part of your thigh, and fuck did it feel good. And yet even as the ecstasy of his touch sent you spiraling down the paths of pleasure, you could not shake the nagging part in the back of your mind that whispered to tell him what happened while he was gone.  

It was eating at the back of your mind, burrowing its way into the moment to not allow you a second of peace, and even as his mouth placed fluttery kiss along your abdomen, you knew that if you didn’t say something this would not end with either of you satisfied.

“Wait, wait, wait,” you said as you pulled back from him and sat up a little. “Just hang on a goddamn minute.”

Loki was still pawing at your torso to pull you back down, his desperation to taste you at its peak. “There are things that cannot wait now, darling,” he moaned, but you did not give him the chance to dive back in, placing your hands on his shoulders to push him off. That feeling of dread that had evaporated once he was on you can flooding right back as you stopped something that you never had before.

You took a deep breath. “Look, there is something you need to know I guess,” you began unsure of what the fuck you wanted to say, “something that happened while you were on your little guys trip.”

He did not even make some half-assed quip back, only staring back silent as the grave and so you continued. “It’s nothing, I really don’t even know why the hell I decided to bring it up, but… okay, look, there was a day when the compound was pretty empty. I was bored out of my damn mind and thought why not get an extra workout in, tire myself out so my fingers could have a rest. Bucky found me and we fucking went at each other, screaming and fighting through all the shit we wanted to say to each other when we broke up.”

“Stop stalling and get to the point,” Loki injected with agitation as he sat on edge. 

Your eyes still clung to his face, but it was now as if you were looking past him rather than at him. “Alright, shit,” you cursed him. “We ended up screwing, okay? It meant nothing, it means nothing, and I've been avoiding him like the fucking plague, but I thought you’d… want to know.”

The words sounded nice, but Loki did not fully believe them. That was not his biggest problem though; half-truths paled in comparison to what he felt the instant those words slipped from your lips. He did not feel anger for what you did, you could fuck who you pleased as there was no agreement to be exclusive; no, he was angry that he had just been made to feel as if you were being taken from him and that was something he simply could not stand. 

He realized in that moment what he knew all throughout the last week and that was that although he did not know where his heart truly lay with you, you were his and no one was going to take that away.

Loki’s brain was on autopilot as he stood up stoically from the bed and grabbed his clothes in bawled fists, redressing as fast as his arms could propel him. All the while you could only stay laying naked on his bed, silent and wide-eyed as you wondered what he was about to do.

“Stay here and wait as you are, do you hear me?” he ordered with a sternness you had never seen from him before; this wasn’t his usual pompous orders that ultimately were harmless and something in his tone kept you quiet and obedient. With purposeful footsteps he crossed the room in no time and threw open the door.

“This will not take long,” he muttered to the wind as he slammed it shut behind him.

Loki stalked through the halls a man on a mission and it just so happened that luck was on his side today. Down corridors he made his way, checking common areas first for the object of his anger: common room, kitchen, gym, but they all came up empty. And yet just as he stepped back out into the hallway, what should he hear but heavy footfalls, those same ones that he indeed knew well. At that moment, who should be coming around the corner as Loki approached except the person he was hunting: Barnes. 

Their eyes clocked one another only a second as Bucky nearly stepped into him, before the metal armed ex assassin turned on his heels and bolted in the direction he just came from as if he could get away from the wrath of a god so easily. Not today you fucking silly boy; he would have to learn that when you played with fire, you were most assuredly going to get burned. This was now a matter of pride: you belonged to Loki and him alone and he would not let that go without a fight. 

“Barnes,” Loki yelled after him loudly as he took off in hot pursuit.

Bucky didn’t stop or even turn around, thinking that if he just kept going he could dodge the Asgardian by simply not stopping until he got back to his room, but those heavy, irate footsteps just kept getting closer. Fuck he thought as he realized that he had been got and there was no escape.

“BARNES!!” Loki yelled his name with such rage this time that vibrated the plaster in the hall as he leapt forward to grab Bucky by the arm, using his immense strength to shove him face first into the wall and keeping him pinned at his mercy.

Bucky fought back against his accuser, but it was no use; not even super soldier strength could compare to the rage-fueled strength of a god. “Listen, I have nothing to say to you,” Bucky grumbled loudly, but Loki wasn’t having it and spun him around until his back was against the wall now so that he could press down hard with his arm on his windpipe to stop him from speaking.

“No, do not lie to me, boy. You think you are so slick?” Loki snarled. “Waiting until I am not around to make your move? Can’t get her absolutely anyone is near so you act the coward and do your bidding in the shadows, having to isolate her to even have a modicum of a chance? You pathetic, degenerate, waste of organic matter.”

What could Bucky do now that Loki had him right where he wanted him? He could fight back and god knew he wanted to, however he also knew he didn’t have the upper hand and at this point he would probably only hurt himself more trying to get out from under Loki’s arm then actually doing anything to harm him. And so stuck between a rock and a hard place, Bucky just stood quiet.

The tirade Loki had started was far from over and he took the silence of his captive to continue the words that had already begun to spill out. Leaning in closer to his face, Loki did not shift his gaze even slightly. “You think you can just step in and replace me?” he growled, eyes darkening with hatred. “Clearly, you do not know who you are dealing with if you think you can simply step back in and take whatever you wish. You are not even in the realm of being that good and I am not going to just sit by and allow it to happen, so do not try and test me further.”

“Hey, back off Count Dracula,” Bucky squirmed in his grasp, working against the pressure at his throat to speak finally. “Besides, what the fuck do you care anyway? You don’t seem the type to involve yourself this much with anyone, so why the hostility? Just sad you lost your cum toy?”

Loki tightened the pressure on his throat threateningly. “You think much of yourself, Man Out of Time,” intimidation dripping in his tone, “but even with your ‘enhancements’ you cannot hold a candle to what I have to offer and she knows as much. A pity fuck for old time’s sake does not mean anything. A temporary moment of weakness because she felt sorry for you, I am sure of it.”

“You wish,” Bucky sneered, and Loki swore he would wipe that smug look off that face if it was the last thing he did today. “We have history together and that’s something you cannot come in between. I know I fucked up, but that doesn’t change that the feelings we built together are still there. I know her better than you ever will.”

“Is that so?” Loki questioned, the fires of rage burning in his sight. He had not expected Barnes to put up so much of a fight, but he should not have been surprised. Was this all a ploy to get you back so that you would no longer be fraternizing with the enemy or did he really still have feelings strong enough for you to fight to win you back? Perhaps it was a little of both, but ultimately the reason did not matter to Loki; all he knew was that he would not allow Bucky to come between him and what was his.

Bucky chuckled. “She may enjoy being in your bed, but I’m the one who knows her secrets, who knows her heart, who held her as she tried to put the pieces back together. What you have to offer is fleeting at best and soon she will see it for what it is; hate fucking a man she doesn’t even like will get old sooner rather than later.”

Loki looked back up into the eyes of the man he was now in clear competition with and stood up to his full height in intimidation. “Stay away from her, do you understand me? You had your chance and you wasted it, not my fault she chose to upgrade. She is with me now, end of discussion. I will not give you another warning so I suggest you heed this one well before you truly get hurt.”

Bucky looked away a moment, chuckling to himself as he shook his head. “You wouldn’t dare,” he challenged. 

Licking his lips to steady his voice, Loki met his challenge head on. “You think me incapable? I have no qualms about burning this all to the ground to get what I want.”

His words sent a shiver down Bucky’s spine, but he could not let the god sense fear in him. “Scared that I’ll win this little game were involved in? Scared I may actually have a chance against the great and powerful God of Mischief?” he asked in response. “Good because you should be, why else would you threaten me like that? We’ll let her decide what she wants and when it isn’t you, you won’t be able to stop me from throwing it in your face.”

“NO,” Loki boldly yelled. “She made her decision when she acquired me to satisfy her every desire after leaving you far behind. In other words, metal man, she is mine and I will not be sharing with the likes of you.”

The anger with which Bucky had been confronted had forced his hand; he was in this now, whatever the outcome was because he was not about to be told what to do. “Bud, if you even think I am going to back off now, you have another thing coming. She may be technically with you… for now… but I am willing to fight tooth and nail for her. Can you say the same?” 

Loki stood silent as the grave, done with Bucky and this conversation, before releasing the man with a parting shove to the throat for good measure. Bucky straightened himself up, turning back to him once he had finished. “Let the games begin,” he said under his breath before giving him a devilish smirk, stepping off and walking away without another glance back.

PART 9:

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