This Is 1984

In The Eye Of The Storm

I'm in the eye of the storm

It’s a nice break but I know it’s not over

The forecast shows another month of hell

In my brain that might not go over very well

It could become deformed

Rain will grow a green four leaf clover

Clear blue skies

And because of them, sometimes my heart dies

I don’t know the next time I’ll meet the sun again

I don’t care how long the storm is, I'm not going to stop

The odds I have to beat

It’s not easy at all stuck in the heat

The whispers of wind from way back when,

My jaw didn’t pop

When I could think freely without stress

Back when I didn’t know what made a mess

But it wasn’t great back then either

When my future comes I have to keep in mind that I can’t control what others think

Let them think whatever the hell they want

Let us be stupidly nonchalant

Dark clouds and rainstorms neither

Are the things that make you stink

Don’t believe in staying inside on rainy days

I don’t need the sun’s praise

I feel anxious for what my future could hold

I have grit

How will I make it much longer?

How much farther do I have to go?

I want to see books getting sold

Between a rock and a hard place I do not want to sit

I'm in the eye

And that gives me some time to think

Writer's Block :(

That moment when you can't get the pencil to write

When the paper bites

Writer's block

Is worse than getting stuck with your brother's smelly sock

Too many thoughts on my mind

I need to write so I'll know I'll be just fine

Into a ball I want to curl

I need to stop hiding from the world

The moment you are so numb that nothing helps, not even music

I know I have the power but I'm afraid to use it

It would just cause me trouble

Make my world as I know it crumble

You start to think

At writing you stink

You don't want to write it all

Can't risk another fall

You are plain 'ol stuck

Wishes on shooting stars for better luck

What you don't realize is that it's all there

You need to take the dare

Too many thoughts yet at the same time I have an empty head

So for now I'm off to bed

Autumn Falls

I'm blowing warmth into my hands, As autumn falls like the leaves belonging to it The wind has regained its chipperness My booted feet begin to get clumsy People who say you should keep your head, Up; don’t know what they are talking about There are some bad roots you have to look down for Unless you want to get knocked down again The leaves changed fast this year Some are already brown, dry and ready to be decomposed Where’s your warm hand I thought I was holding? Where did I lose my big coat? Were you on the ship I purposely deserted and sank? Good! That’s what I wanted, At the time Now I'm lost with my flannel shirt and my snaky soul My cold nose and my mittens that no longer fit Well, decisions will get you someplace in the woods My best days are long behind and far ahead At least I can’t see my breath yet I have to find my clearing on my own That will be tough but I got myself here, I have to get myself back out Autumn you will not make me fall!

White Memorial

I don't like to be

Distracted by the hand held

Devices of now

I just like the quiet

I'd rather just be silent

And just listen to...

Boardwalk bridges that

Sound like a xylophone that

Lead to spiderweb,

Facial masks, that lead to

Nature's cotton candy, that

Are cattail trails, yet

With all these great things

It seems like people don't like,

To listen and watch

Fire

Burning, tired anger

What am I doing with this stranger?

The world on fire, is a danger

Let it burn My existence is a shout into the void

I came out irritated and annoyed

Talking and joking just to avoid,

The fact that the world is on fire Live and burn

It’s always my turn

Why can’t I learn?

It’s because I’m trying not to catch a fire Teachers make me fail

Dietitians make me eat lousy kale

I’ll never stop listening to the storm with the hail

In order to mute the crackle of the flame I don’t need saving

But the charred roads need a new paving

But for Sara I’ll try to keep braving

I’m not brave; I’m just immune to the burn I can’t send mail

I think I’m made out of puppy dog tails

Not sugar and spices that you can buy in pails

Red, orange, yellow, blue Where are you mystery one?

The world is now the sun

Living in hell with no where to run

What moment did the world catch fire?

It’s Over

I cant believe its over

The ending came; it came without a warning; It came just this morning

And its all over now

I always knew the end of the tunnel,

Would come eventually

And its all over now

But I guess that I thought

The end would never come for me

And its all over now

The three year old is finally free

And scared

And its all over now

All those years of being held prisoner

All those moments stuck with mean dicktators

And its all over now

I was just doing my time,

Of a little shy of 20 years

And its all over now

Before I had come to the conclusion

That I had gotten a life sentence

And its all over now

Still stressed but now I can breath,

A little deeper

And its all over now

Part of me wants to go back because now I don’t know what to do,

Without someone yelling commands at me

And its all over now

On me own

All alone, just how I wanted it, right?

And its all over now

I can finally rip part of this crowded box open,

Shed my fake skin I had to plastered to myself just to survive

And its all over now

I want something different

I cant stand having the same ticky-tacky exterior of everyone else, of 9-5 days

And its all over now

T-20 years and still counting

I feel ripped off

And its all over now

A Chip In The Dip

Just another chip lost in the dip

The second half of the broken chip

No one’s favorite

Always picked last

Salty tears I cry                   (cuz I'm a chip lol)

I want to get out of the thick ocean

But I'm stuck

No going back now

Everyone sees me

But they won’t help me

I'm oh so blue

Slowly sinking more and more under

The thunder of the storm grows louder

It surrounds me

I hate the coolness but start to like it

It gives me a false comfort that I like

I like taking a risk in it

Now it has me all the way under

I'm drowning

It hurts less than I expected

I see it getting darker as I sink

But it hypnotizes me

I like sinking

I see everyone else swimming

I like being under it’s like I know a secret that they don’t

They can’t see you because you’re under so far

I have lost most of my salt so I sink yet further

The ocean makes it feel like I'm on top of the world flying

But I'm just the opposite but I don’t care

No one can save me now

But I like that, it makes you feel free of everyone

I wish that one certain person could save me

They think they did one other time but they didn’t

You think I’ll be perfectly fine again, but what if I never was?

I screamed for help once but you didn’t listen as I walked away

I need them

How dare you leave me like this?

I think you owe me an apology yet the world still owes me nothing

You think you cleaned my slate for me but you didn’t

Instead you scratched it up

You think nothing of it

But you don’t know half of it

I just want you to hold me, with your gentle fingers and warm me with the kindhearted words you speak

Sorry I just get scared and lonely just like you

Please heal my stone turned heart

It’s been broken from a young age

Living day to........day, broken

I've almost hit the bottom of the almost infinite ocean

I want to be in the sky

The sky is infinite

I hope you realize that what goes up doesn’t always come back down

Angles started from the ground and they stay in the sky

I want to be there

Save me if you care

I hope you’ll be there forever

Forever not never

Paranoid

On me, It feels like someone has their watch

I don’t want to be caught

Everything at a knot

Slipping

Flipping Paranoid

With the full void

Living annoyed

Guilt that can’t be put in the wash

Geniuses eating squash Here’s my stories

Of not being safe but of my many sorry’s

I’ll try to take an inventory

Words overused

Hearts don’t break they bruise Being stalked

Even after you talked

During the naked after shower walk

Nothing to do

I won’t feel safe with you I need a place to let loose and think

A place to make a mark with ink

One that gives off grandfather winks

Those I’ll never have the chance to see

I need to meet someone who makes friendship tea I can’t wait until I get a place

That’s safe

Where I can get my shoes relaced

What have I got,

Without this lot?

Burnout

Watts and volts

Nutts and bolts

Do not sit right

With a loss of appetite

Sitting on the pinnacle

And being cynical

Detatched

And mismatched

I feel meek

By drowning with just a slow leak

Just a drop can turn into a flood

Leaving me buried in mud

Everything is out of my league

When I'm drowning in fatigue

Too much asleep

To even weep

I had a shot

But then I forgot

Stillness

Is the only way to cure this illness

In other words, I am having trouble finding the door

Because I don’t want to work on Maggie’s farm anymore

I Can't

I can't

Stupid head

I should be thankful

While writing this others feel as if they were lying in their death bed I can't

What is wrong with me

I'm so messed up

I wish someone could get me but their middle name is absentee I can't

I should be lucky I have an umbrella for the rain

But I'm too befouled

Others are in pain I can't

It feels like I'm cheating

You can find rhyming words on the Internet

A "good enough mother" is what I'm needing I can't

I used to despise being called honey

I'm going to be thinking about both of you for eternity

You are mine if I pay you money I can't

I can't stand it

The same thing every time

I can't throw a fit I can't

I can't write

Who can help?

For once I'm ready to fight I can't

In my life I'm confused

This little pointless poem

My heart severely bruised I can't

My life I find perplexing

I am vinegar to myself

My feelings I keep deflecting