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the universe will listen

there are these books that seem more like a symphony, with beauty and rhythm, words rising and falling like a slow, sleeping breath, and it’s like i’m sitting in a theatre with the music echoing through me, while my eyes are closed and i watch a lifetime projected on the inside of my eyelids, and that is why i read.

Why Dean Winchesters ending will never be forgiven.

(People who are giving 10* reviews DO NOT understand the depth of the individual characters. You are saying things like “the ending was perfect” and “others are just mad they didn’t get their ship.” This is simply NOT true. This essay is for you.)

It’s about every single character individually. To understand each character you must be able to understand complex psychological arcs and profound emotions. Especially Dean’s life and his story is INSANELY complex and needs days, maybe weeks to be unwrapped and analyzed in depth. To please you, I will try to write about Dean’s story without mentioning Castiel, but the simple truth is, Cas is a massive part of Deans arc.

Stop saying Dean’s death was beautiful or poignant or fitting or how it was supposed to be, ‘cause HELL it was not, it was the exact opposite. It was the worst way they could’ve ended his life and his story. It was exactly what Dean never wanted.

Dean’s childhood was highly abusive. Dean was 4 years old when he saw his mother burning alive and learned that monsters are real. In that age he developed PTSD and stopped talking. Dean had a childhood with a father that was an alcoholic and physically and mentally abusive, who had believed that Dean had a “killer instinct". When Dean was about 6 years old, John forced him into a nurturing role for Sam. In the same age Dean was forced into the soldiers role as well when John taught him how to shoot and hunt. Dean had to obey orders without questioning. If he acted “out of line,” (aka something John didn’t like) John chewed him out or left them alone. Dean was trained to be Daddy’s blunt instrument. Dean gave up his own life to keep Sam safe, because he had no other choice. More than a brother Dean had to be a father and a mother to Sam. He suppressed everything, every psychological pain, every emotion, he just lived to protect Sam and to obey as Johns blunt little soldier. Short: Dean gave up HIMSELF for Sam and John.

Now that I explained the fundamentals to you, you can understand that Dean never had anything. Everything always was just Sam. Not because he wanted to, because he was forced into it. Dean hated himself, he was suicidal. He was convinced he isn’t worthy of anything, especially not being loved. Dean never had a life for his own, never had a choice, never had a chance, never had own original thoughts, never felt safe or loved. He was used to being left. He felt like he was nothing. Worthless. He was dead inside. Broken. You can’t even imagine that level of pain and suffering. 

Dean thought that way his whole life. I am going to write that again to make this very clear: Dean thought that way his whole life. You can’t imagine the burden he carried on his shoulders, it’s a miracle he stood upright. Dean never wanted that life! He was forced into it! Dean had at least 3 very important scenes where you can clearly see how his mindset changed little by little. He wanted to change, he wanted to retire! 

Then something happened. Someone opened his eyes. Someone who saw Dean exactly the way he is, looked him into his eyes and told him the truth: He is not Daddy’s blunt instrument. He is worthy. He is loved so much that someone dies for him and only for him. Someone wants Dean to finally live his life. The life he always deserved, his own life! Someone is saying, you gave everything you had your whole life, but I am willing to give everything I have for only you. Unconditionally. Dean is shocked. How is it possible someone loves him that much? And even more: The ONLY one who ever grew outside of GOD’s control, the ONLY one that was real in his whole Chuck-written life, the only one who CHOSE to stay loved him unconditionally!?

For the first time, he understood he is not the way he saw himself his whole life. I just have to say that: Castiel was the ONLY real thing in Deans life. His confession was fundamental to Dean to finally accept his own goodness and the value of his life and love, of his identity. It was the moment of breaking free of the structure that had controlled and corrupted him his entire life. It was the only way out of his abusive and traumatizing cage to experience something for his own the very first time. For the first time in his life he has a chance. A choice! His own life! Free will, baby!

7 days. 1 rusty nail. The end.

Shocked? You should be.

If you're going through something hard right now, know that it is not a predictor of how the rest of your life will go. School being hard doesn't mean the rest of your life will be hard. Your job being bad doesn't mean the rest of your life will be bad. Living in a toxic environment now doesn't mean you always will. Some circumstances are much, much harder to overcome than others, and some things you go through now will continue to impact you after they end, but these things are not magical omens predicting the rest of your life. They are simply your current circumstances and struggles, and they can change, and you can change them.