Sunsetdreamxr - Findingmysanity

me wearing all black minding my own bussines :

random mf : whose funeral is it?

me an INTJ mastermind : gotta decide.

I see a lot of dark academia aesthetic involving the classics fields, literature and languages and theater and music, but can the STEM kids get in on this too? Where’s my dark science aesthetic at? where’s my STEM gothic?

•  It has to be a mistake, on the syllabus your professor e-mailed over yesterday. The lab class can’t possibly start at 8pm. Not that you’d notice the time of night anyway, considering that for some reason it’s held in a basement of the STEM buildings that you were sure was closed off. You’ve never seen anyone emerging from its depths, and honestly you’re not even sure how to get down there. But not to worry, your professor assures you when you reply with your concerns. He’ll send his TA to pick you up. Just try not to stare at their hand. Especially if it sparks. They’re still working out the kinks.

• The transparent lightboard you use in your apartment building for working out math equations that require more room is the only illumination piercing your otherwise dim living room. You’ve been working for hours, and haven’t noticed how late it’s become, mostly because you’re pretty sure that you accidentally just determined exactly when the world is going to end. Before you can grab your phone to tell everyone, there’s a knock at your door. “Well done,” the man and woman in dark clothes and glasses that reflect even the minor light so that you can’t see your eyes as they enter your apartment. “A little too well done, we think. You’ll be coming with us now.”

•   H2 = H 2 0 [ Ωm(1+z) 3 +ΩDEexp {3 Z/z 0 dz 1+z [1+w(z)]}

•  “We are doctors,” in heart if not yet in degree,” the neurologist teaching your afternoon class says, laughing. “We are the ones who stand between that looming reaper Death and all of our patients, scalpels and syringes in hand, and say “not today, old friend. Not this one.” But then the mirth fades from his voice, and his gaze drifts to the left of the lecture hall for some odd reason, fixed on some dark corner. “That’s why it hates us, you know. Death. All of us. We as doctors must be very, very careful in our everyday lives, because Death despises us for stalling its work time and time again, and it constantly has its eyes on us. Waiting for us to relax, to look away. There are rituals, as we get older and Death steps closer every day…” but then they come back to themselves, shaking their heads and laughing. “Not enough coffee for me today, apparently!” Shadows in the corner where no one sits seem to be shifting.

•  The chemistry majors always seem to know something that no one else does. They all keep tiny glass bottles of clove oil in their backpacks at all times, for some reason. You’re starting to wonder if it wouldn’t be smart for you to do the same.

•  The engineering majors know exactly what the chem majors think only they know, and they laugh when you mention the clove oil. “They really think that will protect them,” one future robotics pioneer says to you, shaking his head. “They really think they can stop what’s coming.”

•  Something in the forensics lab whispers at night, but only when a lone student is working down there alone. One of them snags you in the halls one morning and says, “I know you’re not forensics and you’ve never heard it before, but last night I was working on a paper down there and, well. It knows your name.”

• Your roommate is a biogenetics student. She keeps beakers brimming with bubbling fluids in the fridge, and she often seems restless and distracted. You’ve caught her stealing hair off of your brush before, and one night as you watch her mixing and stirring and taking notes as she’s hunched over her desk, you realize that a single blinking eyeball is staring back at you from the green fluid surrounding it in her glass tube.

•  The mathematics students have figured out what the chemistry students know, and what the engineering students have known for years. They all look anxious now, walking around campus and constantly looking over their shoulders. One of them suggests to you that maybe you should start stockpiling bottled water. Just in case.

•  An astronomy major comes barreling into one of your classes one dim and dying afternoon, slapping a star chart down onto a desk in front of a newly enlightened mathematics student, sweating and furious. “You weren’t even going to tell us, you bastard?! You were just going to let it happen while we sat around unprepared?!”

•  A week later. You sit up in bed and your roommate is gone. Their things are gone. Campus is still and quiet, the chem and engineering and astronomy and mathematics students having all cleared out save for you. The bio, forensics, and med students are left blinking, dazed. Clearly you’ve all missed something important, but your roommate responds to your text with assurance that it’s fine. You’ll all know soon enough.

things i did as a neurodivergent person to get straight a’s for the third year in a row

hi hello hi how’s it going. welcome to the 3am-burst-of-motivation-tumblr-post-of-the-day, where i’m sharing all of my study tips that allowed my adhd/austism/ocd/bpd brain to somehow squeeze out straight a’s for the third year (sixth semester) in a row. 

1. study differently for different subjects. contrary to popular belief, flashcards and rewriting your notes does not work for every subject (unless it does for you, in which case ignore me and do what works for you). different subjects, at least for me, require different environments, techniques, and associations. 

2. association! sensory stuff works great for me because i tend to associate physical things with emotions and even personality types, so have something be constant every time you study. example: i have two tubes of chapstick, one peppermint and one pomegranate. i put on the peppermint one right before i go to bed and the pomegranate one after i eat breakfast - i associate the different scents with different activities (going to bed and starting my to-do list). 

3. to-do lists! mine are written on sticky notes and stuck to my mirror because i hate hate hate having the sticky glue stuff from sticky notes on my mirror and i’m not allowed to clean my mirror until all the sticky notes are off of it. when i can’t see my mirror, they’re on the outside of my backpack because they’re bright pink and the social anxiety makes me think people are staring at me if they are on my backpack. 

4. change your location often. specifically for my adhd peeps who have the attention span of an overexcited puppy, walk around. do things. go to a park or a coffee shop or a grocery store or a sidewalk or a bench somewhere or my personal favorite, the bank. when you’re understimulated go somewhere with lots of different noises and when you’re overstimulated so somewhere quiet or control noises (listen to music, noise-cancelling headphones, humming). 

5. keep a piece of paper next to you for the Random Thoughts That Come at Inconvenient Times and write down the stuff you want to look up/do/tell someone about and like… i don’t even know why that helps but it does. just having your thoughts out there i guess?

6. body doubling. find a person who will study with you. bonus points if it’s another neurodivergent person. they are depending on you to finish the studying and get the good grade. THEY ARE DEPENDING ON YOU. DON’T DISAPPOINT THEM. (side note anxiety people i would not recommend this for you)

7.  go to a place that will remind you to pee and eat and drink things. starbucks is great for this. so are most restaurants. 

8. get a new thing to study with every week. i like new things. if i have a new thing i am going to use it until it’s no longer exciting. i get a pencil, just a boring, manual pencil from the drugstore every monday afternoon for like sixty cents. it’s a fantastic method, at least for me. 

9. don’t drink something with caffeine in it while studying. you will either fall asleep or end up on a roof. it is not a good situation. caffeine for neurodivergents is like sleep pills, for me at least and most of the other ND’s i’ve met. if not for you, you’re lucky. 

10. spaced reps. in other words, find a big pair of dice and write vocab terms on each side, then hurl it at the ground and define each term. do this for like an hour. it’s fun and gets a lot of energy out. 

11. stim. vocal stims, physical stims, self-talk, fidget, yelp, squeal, tap your foot, walk around, shrug your shoulders, twitch your nose, jump up and down, ribbit like a frog. stim, stim, stim. it helps. 

anyways. it’s 3:17 am. happy studying!

This helped me recently and you might need it as well :)

Shopping for laptops fucking sucks ‘cause I don’t know shit about computers. I’ve never had a computer with a functional webcam or microphone or the ability to play computer games made later than 2005 or a speaker that could play anything loud enough to hear from more than a foot away. How the hell should I know what I want?!

studying without the struggle to feel good enough. studying with interest and people to talk to when you don’t understand something. people who get lost in those topics with you over a drink or dinner in the evening, in a cozy bar after a day full of productive hours. walks and bycicle rides in the nights and in the early mornings because you spent the night in some shady apartment or club. motivation because you’re all in this together. happiness because it’s worth it. because you’re not alone.

when u used to be the topper before covid who participated in everything and got good marks and won at everything so now everyone has high expectation of u but youve let yourself go during covid and now you get bad marks and dont win at anything and you KNOW you could if you tried to but u just cant get yourself to try and do anything and you feel so guilty and you'va also become unfit and you have to reduce your weight but u can stop eating junk and hate exercising also everyone else is getting better at everything and people who used to look up to you or ask you for studies now are the ones u have to ask and they keep going forward while you're going backward and you know you keep disappointing your parents but they are so good about it and dont say much and they will support you in whatever you do but you just dont want to do anything and again you feel so guilty and olympiads are also coming and you havent studies one bit and the other kids are so good at everything you dont know how and you REALLY wanna get your life back on track but you dont have any motivation and where do u even start

things to do on sundays to recharge and make the upcoming week awesome

• clean ya room (just do it). also, check those pinterest boards you save for “one day” and actually go through them and draw some inspiration, even if you just end up rearranging the books on your bookshelf or putting some flowers from your garden in a mason jar on your desk. this is your home, make it feel like it is.

• do your laundry (also, don’t forget your bed sheets). if you’re in the mood, look at next week’s weather forecast and think about what you’re going to wear. go through your drawers, check the back of your closet. that hat you bought some time ago and forgot about because you didn’t dare to wear it? well… new week, new you, right? 

• call a friend/family member you haven’t talked to in a while, tell them you miss them. tell them you love them. remember and appreciate that they are a part of your life even if it doesn’t feel like it all the time.

• draw, paint, journal, write or make some music. something you know you love doing but “never find the time”. sunday is “finding-the-time day”. if you’re not feeling creative, read a book or watch your favorite show. or watch a new show. a scary show. a funny show. laugh as loud as you want. listen to music. listen to your favorite songs, or listen to new songs. even a new genre if you dare. turn the volume all the way up. take a second to consciously feel the music. you can always get up and dance. or sing. or both.

• the great, but still really effective classic: take a bath or a really long shower. if you have this special face or hair mask you’re saving up for a special occasion: congrats, you’re the special occasion today. use it. also, body lotion. we all know you’re going to be running late during the week and skip it one too many times. make yourself feel like the goddess you are. 

• sit in silence for a few moments. listen to your breath. listen to your heartbeat. for the love of god PLEASE listen to your thoughts for once in your life. don’t make them feel like they are wrong. or bothersome. they too just want to be heard once in a while. what are they trying to tell you? what could be soothing for them? be compassionate to yourself. it’s okay. you are okay. you are okay.

• think about things you can be grateful for next week. even if you feel like your life sucks atm, think about the small things you take for granted in a different way. for example: “next week, i will have access to clean water. CLEAN. WATER. 844 million people don’t have that.” or “next week, my legs will take me wherever i want to go. not everybody has two fully functioning legs, so i’m lucky in that way.” you’re allowed to feel bad about your life, but you’re also allowed to feel good about things. 

• if you’ve stayed home most of the week, go out. go for a walk. go swimming. go to a party or dinner with friends. even if you feel like you don’t need to see the outside world, chances are you’ll feel great after you do. if you feel like you’ve been running around all week, maybe you’d like to stay home today. put on your ugliest sweater, comfiest leggings, and fluffiest socks and curl up under a thousand blankets. you a sloth today and it’s okay. 

• eat. i mean honestly: eat THE THING. i don’t care if you’re on a diet. if there’s something you’ve been craving all week that has turned you into the veiny-neck-dude meme just trying to resist it: EAT IT. you deserve it. not because you worked out or ate salads or did well in school, but just because you’re a human and you love to eat and life is short and you should be allowed to eat yummy things. it’s okay. you won’t gain 5 pounds or lose your brain cells no matter how unhealthy it is, i promise.

• plan plan plan yo week. it doesn’t matter if you use a planner, bullet journal, the calendar on your phone or the notes app: write everything down you have going on next week. appointments. events. coffee-dates. when are you going to the gym? what are you going to eat? (meal prep if necessary) also, create reminders on your phone for everything. “i won’t forget it!” is a sweet thought, but oh honey you will. schedule reminders for every event. let your phone remind you that you need to buy toilet paper when the store is nearby. schedule daily reminders for your medications. (once you’ve done this it honestly feels like you just cleaned out 38GB of your brain, you simply don’t have to worry about that anymore, space for more important info, like your new favorite pun to annoy everyone with)

• most importantly: listen to what your mind and your body need today and next week. daily life is so full of “should-do”s that it’s important to find a healthy balance between the “should”s and the “need”s. you will be much more productive, healthy and happy that way. nobody knows you better than you do, take advantage of that and plan accordingly.

book quotes that i will never recover from

"he is half of my soul, as the poets say. " - song of achilles

"write me a letter telling me how to live the rest of my life without you." - how to make friends with the dark

"they were my birthday presents." - shatter me

"she had realized that she had forgotten the precise blue of his eyes and the depth of his laugh." - clockwork princess

"my name is sam cortland... and i will not be afraid." - assassin's blade

"you chose me four years ago. would you choose me still?" - these violent delights

"we were all supposed to make it." - crooked kingdom

"i remember everything." - the invisible life of addie larue

"come home and shout at me. come home and fight with me. come home and break my heart, if you must. just come home." - cruel prince

"i wasted all those yesterdays and am completely out of tomorrows." - they both die at the end

"you hated the idea of me." - the final gambit

"bob says hello." - house of hades

"abuse can feel like love. starving people will eat anything." - nightfall

"i missed you only with an ocean between us. but if death was separating us... i would find you." - queen of shadows

"i loved him. i love him. as best i could." - we were liars

"i'm the villain, even in my own story. but you were supposed to play a different role." - finale

"i will find you again in the next world—the next life. and we will have that time. i promise." - a court of wings and ruin

"i spent half of my time loving her and the other half hiding how much i loved her." - the seven husbands of evelyn hugo