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Bee Movie

By Jerry Seinfeld

NARRATOR:

(Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard)

According to all known laws

of aviation,

:

there is no way a bee

should be able to fly.

:

Its wings are too small to get

its fat little body off the ground.

:

The bee, of course, flies anyway

:

because bees don't care

what humans think is impossible.

BARRY BENSON:

(Barry is picking out a shirt)

Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

:

Ooh, black and yellow!

Let's shake it up a little.

JANET BENSON:

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

BARRY:

Coming!

:

Hang on a second.

(Barry uses his antenna like a phone)

:

Hello?

ADAM FLAYMAN:

(Through phone)

- Barry?

BARRY:

- Adam?

ADAM:

- Can you believe this is happening?

BARRY:

- I can't. I'll pick you up.

(Barry flies down the stairs)

:

MARTIN BENSON:

Looking sharp.

JANET:

Use the stairs. Your father

paid good money for those.

BARRY:

Sorry. I'm excited.

MARTIN:

Here's the graduate.

We're very proud of you, son.

:

A perfect report card, all B's.

JANET:

Very proud.

(Rubs Barry's hair)

BARRY=

Ma! I got a thing going here.

JANET:

- You got lint on your fuzz.

BARRY:

- Ow! That's me!

JANET:

- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.

- Bye!

(Barry flies out the door)

JANET:

Barry, I told you,

stop flying in the house!

(Barry drives through the hive,and is waved at by Adam who is reading a

newspaper)

BARRY==

- Hey, Adam.

ADAM:

- Hey, Barry.

(Adam gets in Barry's car)

:

- Is that fuzz gel?

BARRY:

- A little. Special day, graduation.

ADAM:

Never thought I'd make it.

(Barry pulls away from the house and continues driving)

BARRY:

Three days grade school,

three days high school...

ADAM:

Those were awkward.

BARRY:

Three days college. I'm glad I took

a day and hitchhiked around the hive.

ADAM==

You did come back different.

(Barry and Adam pass by Artie, who is jogging)

ARTIE:

- Hi, Barry!

BARRY:

- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.

ADAM:

- Hear about Frankie?

BARRY:

- Yeah.

ADAM==

- You going to the funeral?

BARRY:

- No, I'm not going to his funeral.

:

Everybody knows,

sting someone, you die.

:

Don't waste it on a squirrel.

Such a hothead.

ADAM:

I guess he could have

just gotten out of the way.

(The car does a barrel roll on the loop-shaped bridge and lands on the

highway)

:

I love this incorporating

an amusement park into our regular day.

BARRY:

I guess that's why they say we don't need vacations.

(Barry parallel parks the car and together they fly over the graduating

students)

Boy, quite a bit of pomp...

under the circumstances.

(Barry and Adam sit down and put on their hats)

:

- Well, Adam, today we are men.

ADAM:

- We are!

BARRY=

- Bee-men.

=ADAM=

- Amen!

BARRY AND ADAM:

Hallelujah!

(Barry and Adam both have a happy spasm)

ANNOUNCER:

Students, faculty, distinguished bees,

:

please welcome Dean Buzzwell.

DEAN BUZZWELL:

Welcome, New Hive Oity

graduating class of...

:

...9:

:

That concludes our ceremonies.

:

And begins your career

at Honex Industries!

ADAM:

Will we pick our job today?

(Adam and Barry get into a tour bus)

BARRY=

I heard it's just orientation.

(Tour buses rise out of the ground and the students are automatically

loaded into the buses)

TOUR GUIDE:

Heads up! Here we go.

ANNOUNCER:

Keep your hands and antennas

inside the tram at all times.

BARRY:

- Wonder what it'll be like?

ADAM:

- A little scary.

TOUR GUIDE==

Welcome to Honex,

a division of Honesco

:

and a part of the Hexagon Group.

Barry:

This is it!

BARRY AND ADAM:

Wow.

BARRY:

Wow.

(The bus drives down a road an on either side are the Bee's massive

complicated Honey-making machines)

TOUR GUIDE:

We know that you, as a bee,

have worked your whole life

:

to get to the point where you

can work for your whole life.

:

Honey begins when our valiant Pollen

Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.

:

Our top-secret formula

:

is automatically color-corrected,

scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured

:

into this soothing sweet syrup

:

with its distinctive

golden glow you know as...

EVERYONE ON BUS:

Honey!

(The guide has been collecting honey into a bottle and she throws it into

the crowd on the bus and it is caught by a girl in the back)

ADAM:

- That girl was hot.

BARRY:

- She's my cousin!

ADAM==

- She is?

BARRY:

- Yes, we're all cousins.

ADAM:

- Right. You're right.

TOUR GUIDE:

- At Honex, we constantly strive

:

to improve every aspect

of bee existence.

:

These bees are stress-testing

a new helmet technology.

(The bus passes by a Bee wearing a helmet who is being smashed into the

ground with fly-swatters, newspapers and boots. He lifts a thumbs up but

you can hear him groan)

:

ADAM==

- What do you think he makes?

BARRY:

- Not enough.

TOUR GUIDE:

Here we have our latest advancement,

the Krelman.

(They pass by a turning wheel with Bees standing on pegs, who are each

wearing a finger-shaped hat)

Barry:

- Wow, What does that do?

TOUR GUIDE:

- Catches that little strand of honey

:

that hangs after you pour it.

Saves us millions.

ADAM:

(Intrigued)

Can anyone work on the Krelman?

TOUR GUIDE:

Of course. Most bee jobs are

small ones.

But bees know that every small job,

if it's done well, means a lot.

:

But choose carefully

:

because you'll stay in the job

you pick for the rest of your life.

(Everyone claps except for Barry)

BARRY:

The same job the rest of your life?

I didn't know that.

ADAM:

What's the difference?

TOUR GUIDE:

You'll be happy to know that bees,

as a species, haven't had one day off

:

in 27 million years.

BARRY:

(Upset)

So you'll just work us to death?

:

We'll sure try.

(Everyone on the bus laughs except Barry. Barry and Adam are walking back

home together)

ADAM:

Wow! That blew my mind!

BARRY:

"What's the difference?"

How can you say that?

:

One job forever?

That's an insane choice to have to make.

ADAM:

I'm relieved. Now we only have

to make one decision in life.

BARRY:

But, Adam, how could they

never have told us that?

ADAM:

Why would you question anything?

We're bees.

:

We're the most perfectly

functioning society on Earth.

BARRY:

You ever think maybe things

work a little too well here?

ADAM:

Like what? Give me one example.

(Barry and Adam stop walking and it is revealed to the audience that

hundreds of cars are speeding by and narrowly missing them in perfect

unison)

BARRY:

I don't know. But you know

what I'm talking about.

ANNOUNCER:

Please clear the gate.

Royal Nectar Force on approach.

BARRY:

Wait a second. Check it out.

(The Pollen jocks fly in, circle around and landing in line)

:

- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!

ADAM:

- Wow.

:

I've never seen them this close.

BARRY:

They know what it's like

outside the hive.

ADAM:

Yeah, but some don't come back.

GIRL BEES:

- Hey, Jocks!

- Hi, Jocks!

(The Pollen Jocks hook up their backpacks to machines that pump the nectar

to trucks, which drive away)

LOU LO DUVA:

You guys did great!

:

You're monsters!

You're sky freaks!

I love it!

(Punching the Pollen Jocks in joy)

I love it!

ADAM:

- I wonder where they were.

BARRY:

- I don't know.

:

Their day's not planned.

:

Outside the hive, flying who knows

where, doing who knows what.

:

You can't just decide to be a Pollen

Jock. You have to be bred for that.

ADAM==

Right.

(Barry and Adam are covered in some pollen that floated off of the Pollen

Jocks)

BARRY:

Look at that. That's more pollen

than you and I will see in a lifetime.

ADAM:

It's just a status symbol.

Bees make too much of it.

BARRY:

Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it

and the ladies see you wearing it.

(Barry waves at 2 girls standing a little away from them)

ADAM==

Those ladies?

Aren't they our cousins too?

BARRY:

Distant. Distant.

POLLEN JOCK #1:

Look at these two.

POLLEN JOCK #2:

- Couple of Hive Harrys.

POLLEN JOCK #1:

- Let's have fun with them.

GIRL BEE #1:

It must be dangerous

being a Pollen Jock.

BARRY:

Yeah. Once a bear pinned me

against a mushroom!

:

He had a paw on my throat,

and with the other, he was slapping me!

(Slaps Adam with his hand to represent his scenario)

GIRL BEE #2:

- Oh, my!

BARRY:

- I never thought I'd knock him out.

GIRL BEE #1:

(Looking at Adam)

What were you doing during this?

ADAM:

Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities.

BARRY:

I can autograph that.

(The pollen jocks walk up to Barry and Adam, they pretend that Barry and

Adam really are pollen jocks.)

POLLEN JOCK #1:

A little gusty out there today,

wasn't it, comrades?

BARRY:

Yeah. Gusty.

POLLEN JOCK #1:

We're hitting a sunflower patch

six miles from here tomorrow.

BARRY:

- Six miles, huh?

ADAM:

- Barry!

POLLEN JOCK #2:

A puddle jump for us,

but maybe you're not up for it.

BARRY:

- Maybe I am.

ADAM:

- You are not!

POLLEN JOCK #1:

We're going 0900 at J-Gate.

:

What do you think, buzzy-boy?

Are you bee enough?

BARRY:

I might be. It all depends

on what 0900 means.

(The scene cuts to Barry looking out on the hive-city from his balcony at

night)

MARTIN:

Hey, Honex!

BARRY:

Dad, you surprised me.

MARTIN:

You decide what you're interested in?

BARRY:

- Well, there's a lot of choices.

- But you only get one.

:

Do you ever get bored

doing the same job every day?

MARTIN:

Son, let me tell you about stirring.

:

You grab that stick, and you just

move it around, and you stir it around.

:

You get yourself into a rhythm.

It's a beautiful thing.

BARRY:

You know, Dad,

the more I think about it,

:

maybe the honey field

just isn't right for me.

MARTIN:

You were thinking of what,

making balloon animals?

:

That's a bad job

for a guy with a stinger.

:

Janet, your son's not sure

he wants to go into honey!

JANET:

- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.

BARRY:

- I'm not trying to be funny.

MARTIN:

You're not funny! You're going

into honey. Our son, the stirrer!

JANET:

- You're gonna be a stirrer?

BARRY:

- No one's listening to me!

MARTIN:

Wait till you see the sticks I have.

BARRY:

I could say anything right now.

I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!

(Barry's parents don't listen to him and continue to ramble on)

MARTIN:

Let's open some honey and celebrate!

BARRY:

Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.

Shave my antennae.

:

Shack up with a grasshopper. Get

a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!

JANET:

I'm so proud.

(The scene cuts to Barry and Adam waiting in line to get a job)

ADAM:

- We're starting work today!

BARRY:

- Today's the day.

ADAM:

Come on! All the good jobs

will be gone.

BARRY:

Yeah, right.

JOB LISTER:

Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,

stirrer, front desk, hair removal...

BEE IN FRONT OF LINE:

- Is it still available?

JOB LISTER:

- Hang on. Two left!

:

One of them's yours! Congratulations!

Step to the side.

ADAM:

- What'd you get?

BEE IN FRONT OF LINE:

- Picking crud out. Stellar!

(He walks away)

ADAM:

Wow!

JOB LISTER:

Couple of newbies?

ADAM:

Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!

JOB LISTER:

Make your choice.

(Adam and Barry look up at the job board. There are hundreds of constantly

changing panels that contain available or unavailable jobs. It looks very

confusing)

ADAM:

- You want to go first?

BARRY:

- No, you go.

ADAM:

Oh, my. What's available?

JOB LISTER:

Restroom attendant's open,

not for the reason you think.

ADAM:

- Any chance of getting the Krelman?

JOB LISTER:

- Sure, you're on.

(Puts the Krelman finger-hat on Adam's head)

(Suddenly the sign for Krelman closes out)

:

I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.

(Takes Adam's hat off)

Wax monkey's always open.

ADAM:

The Krelman opened up again.

:

What happened?

JOB LISTER:

A bee died. Makes an opening. See?

He's dead. Another dead one.

:

Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.

:

Dead from the neck up.

Dead from the neck down. That's life!

ADAM:

Oh, this is so hard!

(Barry remembers what the Pollen Jock offered him and he flies off)

Heating, cooling,

stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,

:

humming, inspector number seven,

lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,

:

mite wrangler. Barry, what

do you think I should... Barry?

(Adam turns around and sees Barry flying away)

:

Barry!

POLLEN JOCK:

All right, we've got the sunflower patch

in quadrant nine...

ADAM:

(Through phone)

What happened to you?

Where are you?

BARRY:

- I'm going out.

ADAM:

- Out? Out where?

BARRY:

- Out there.

ADAM:

- Oh, no!

BARRY:

I have to, before I go

to work for the rest of my life.

ADAM:

You're gonna die! You're crazy!

(Barry hangs up)

Hello?

POLLEN JOCK #2:

Another call coming in.

:

If anyone's feeling brave,

there's a Korean deli on 83rd

:

that gets their roses today.

BARRY:

Hey, guys.

POLLEN JOCK #1 ==

- Look at that.

POLLEN JOCK #2:

- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?

LOU LO DUVA:

Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.

POLLEN JOCK #1:

It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.

(Puts hand on Barry's shoulder)

LOU LO DUVA:

(To Barry) Really? Feeling lucky, are you?

BEE WITH CLIPBOARD:

(To Barry) Sign here, here. Just initial that.

:

- Thank you.

LOU LO DUVA:

- OK.

:

You got a rain advisory today,

:

and as you all know,

bees cannot fly in rain.

:

So be careful. As always,

watch your brooms,

:

hockey sticks, dogs,

birds, bears and bats.

:

Also, I got a couple of reports

of root beer being poured on us.

:

Murphy's in a home because of it,

babbling like a cicada!

BARRY:

- That's awful.

LOU LO DUVA:

(Still talking through megaphone)

- And a reminder for you rookies,

:

bee law number one,

absolutely no talking to humans!

:

All right, launch positions!

POLLEN JOCKS:

(The Pollen Jocks run into formation)

:

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,

buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!

LOU LU DUVA:

Black and yellow!

POLLEN JOCKS:

Hello!

POLLEN JOCK #1:

(To Barry)You ready for this, hot shot?

BARRY:

Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.

POLLEN JOCK's:

Wind, check.

:

- Antennae, check.

- Nectar pack, check.

:

- Wings, check.

- Stinger, check.

BARRY:

Scared out of my shorts, check.

LOU LO DUVA:

OK, ladies,

:

let's move it out!

:

Pound those petunias,

you striped stem-suckers!

:

All of you, drain those flowers!

(The pollen jocks fly out of the hive)

BARRY:

Wow! I'm out!

:

I can't believe I'm out!

:

So blue.

:

I feel so fast and free!

:

Box kite!

(Barry flies through the kite)

:

Wow!

:

Flowers!

(A pollen jock puts on some high tech goggles that shows flowers similar to

heat sink goggles.)

POLLEN JOCK:

This is Blue Leader.

We have roses visual.

:

Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.

:

Roses!

POLLEN JOCK #1:

30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.

:

Stand to the side, kid.

It's got a bit of a kick.

(The pollen jock fires a high-tech gun at the flower, shooting tubes that

suck up the nectar from the flower and collects it into a pouch on the gun)

BARRY:

That is one nectar collector!

POLLEN JOCK #1==

- Ever see pollination up close?

BARRY:

- No, sir.

POLLEN JOCK #1:

(Barry and the Pollen jock fly over the field, the pollen jock sprinkles

pollen as he goes)

:

I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it

over here. Maybe a dash over there,

:

a pinch on that one.

See that? It's a little bit of magic.

BARRY:

That's amazing. Why do we do that?

POLLEN JOCK #1:

That's pollen power. More pollen, more

flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.

BARRY:

Cool.

POLLEN JOCK #1:

I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.

could be daisies. Don't we need those?

POLLEN JOCK #2:

Copy that visual.

:

Wait. One of these flowers

seems to be on the move.

POLLEN JOCK #1:

Say again? You're reporting

a moving flower?

POLLEN JOCK #2:

Affirmative.

(The Pollen jocks land near the "flowers" which, to the audience are

obviously just tennis balls)

KEN:

(In the distance) That was on the line!

POLLEN JOCK #1:

This is the coolest. What is it?

POLLEN JOCK #2:

I don't know, but I'm loving this color.

:

It smells good.

Not like a flower, but I like it.

POLLEN JOCK #1:

Yeah, fuzzy.

(Sticks his hand on the ball but it gets stuck)

POLLEN JOCK #3==

Chemical-y.

(The pollen jock finally gets his hand free from the tennis ball)

POLLEN JOCK #1:

Careful, guys. It's a little grabby.

(The pollen jocks turn around and see Barry lying his entire body on top of

one of the tennis balls)

POLLEN JOCK #2:

My sweet lord of bees!

POLLEN JOCK #3:

Candy-brain, get off there!

POLLEN JOCK #1:

(Pointing upwards)

Problem!

(A human hand reaches down and grabs the tennis ball that Barry is stuck

to)

BARRY:

- Guys!

POLLEN JOCK #2:

- This could be bad.

POLLEN JOCK #3:

Affirmative.

(Vanessa Bloome starts bouncing the tennis ball, not knowing Barry is stick

to it)

BARRY==

Very close.

:

Gonna hurt.

:

Mama's little boy.

(Barry is being hit back and forth by two humans playing tennis. He is

still stuck to the ball)

POLLEN JOCK #1:

You are way out of position, rookie!

KEN:

Coming in at you like a MISSILE!

(Barry flies past the pollen jocks, still stuck to the ball)

BARRY:

(In slow motion)

Help me!

POLLEN JOCK #2:

I don't think these are flowers.

POLLEN JOCK #3:

- Should we tell him?

POLLEN JOCK #1:

- I think he knows.

BARRY:

What is this?!

KEN:

Match point!

:

You can start packing up, honey,

because you're about to EAT IT!

(A pollen jock coughs which confused Ken and he hits the ball the wrong way

with Barry stuck to it and it goes flying into the city)

BARRY:

Yowser!

(Barry bounces around town and gets stuck in the engine of a car. He flies

into the air conditioner and sees a bug that was frozen in there)

BARRY:

Ew, gross.

(The man driving the car turns on the air conditioner which blows Barry

into the car)

GIRL IN CAR:

There's a bee in the car!

:

- Do something!

DAD DRIVING CAR:

- I'm driving!

BABY GIRL:

(Waving at Barry)

- Hi, bee.

(Barry smiles and waves at the baby girl)

GUY IN BACK OF CAR:

- He's back here!

:

He's going to sting me!

GIRL IN CAR:

Nobody move. If you don't move,

he won't sting you. Freeze!

(Barry freezes as well, hovering in the middle of the car)

:

GRANDMA IN CAR==

He blinked!

(The grandma whips out some bee-spray and sprays everywhere in the car,

climbing into the front seat, still trying to spray Barry)

GIRL IN CAR:

Spray him, Granny!

DAD DRIVING THE CAR:

What are you doing?!

(Barry escapes the car through the air conditioner and is flying high above

the ground, safe.)

BARRY:

Wow... the tension level

out here is unbelievable.

(Barry sees that storm clouds are gathering and he can see rain clouds

moving into this direction)

:

I gotta get home.

:

Can't fly in rain.

:

Can't fly in rain.

(A rain drop hits Barry and one of his wings is damaged)

:

Can't fly in rain.

(A second rain drop hits Barry again and he spirals downwards)

Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!

(WW2 plane sound effects are played as he plummets, and he crash-lands on a

plant inside an apartment near the window)

VANESSA BLOOME:

Ken, could you close

the window please?

KEN==

Hey, check out my new resume.

I made it into a fold-out brochure.

:

You see?

(Folds brochure resume out)

Folds out.

(Ken closes the window, trapping Barry inside)

BARRY:

Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.

(Barry tries to fly away but smashes into the window and falls again)

:

What was that?

(Barry keeps trying to fly out the window but he keeps being knocked back

because the window is closed)

Maybe this time. This time. This time.

This time! This time! This...

:

Drapes!

(Barry taps the glass. He doesn't understand what it is)

That is diabolical.

KEN:

It's fantastic. It's got all my special

skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.

ANDY:

What's number one? Star Wars?

KEN:

Nah, I don't go for that...

(Ken makes finger guns and makes "pew pew pew" sounds and then stops)

:

...kind of stuff.

BARRY:

No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.

They're out of their minds.

KEN:

When I leave a job interview, they're

flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.

BARRY:

(Looking at the light on the ceiling)

There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.

(Starts flying towards the lightbulb)

:

I don't remember the sun

having a big 75 on it.

(Barry hits the lightbulb and falls into the dip on the table that the

humans are sitting at)

KEN:

I predicted global warming.

:

I could feel it getting hotter.

At first I thought it was just me.

(Andy dips a chip into the bowl and scoops up some dip with Barry on it and

is about to put it in his mouth)

:

Wait! Stop! Bee!

(Andy drops the chip with Barry in fear and backs away. All the humans

freak out)

:

Stand back. These are winter boots.

(Ken has winter boots on his hands and he is about to smash the bee but

Vanessa saves him last second)

VANESSA:

Wait!

:

Don't kill him!

(Vanessa puts Barry in a glass to protect him)

KEN:

You know I'm allergic to them!

This thing could kill me!

VANESSA:

Why does his life have

less value than yours?

KEN:

Why does his life have any less value

than mine? Is that your statement?

VANESSA:

I'm just saying all life has value. You

don't know what he's capable of feeling.

(Vanessa picks up Ken's brochure and puts it under the glass so she can

carry Barry back to the window. Barry looks at Vanessa in amazement)

KEN:

My brochure!

VANESSA:

There you go, little guy.

(Vanessa opens the window and lets Barry out but Barry stays back and is

still shocked that a human saved his life)

KEN:

I'm not scared of him.

It's an allergic thing.

VANESSA:

Put that on your resume brochure.

KEN:

My whole face could puff up.

ANDY:

Make it one of your special skills.

KEN:

Knocking someone out

is also a special skill.

(Ken walks to the door)

glad that im not popular enough to have an evil shadow version of my blog that exists just to make contradictions on my posts

and TLC to help the things i love

only close friends and stray cats get to know where i live. Anyone else, come back with a warrant

so when straight people ask me why I say I’m “queer” or “gay” instead of sharing my actual identity as a panromantic demisexual non-binary sapphic queer I just tell them “ok look, when you’re talking to someone who isn’t local and they ask you where you’re from and you either say the name of the largest city nearby or ‘town name, suburb of large nearby city’ so they can get some geographical context of where you’re located right, bc they’re probably not going to know the name of the little town you actually live in.”

but if you’re talking to a local you can say the name of your actual town bc they have a greater chance of knowing where/what that is.

ok well when I’m talking to a straight person I start with queer bc chances are they aren’t as familiar with the context of all the little towns in that big queer city and need gps (gay positioning system) to find me.

if I’m talking to another queer person and I say I live in a suburb of gay city in a town called panromantic on the demisexual side of the tracks which is in the county of queer and I live off the intersection of non-binary and sapphic, they’d probably be able to find me with little to no problems, make sense?

Rating band names based on their accuracy:

(I keep updating this list so check back later)

The Beatles: 3/10. None of these people are beetles, they’re just a bunch of fruity guys from Liverpool with matching haircuts

(Edit: changed from 0/10 to 3/10 because John Lennon beat his wife)

Pink Floyd: 4/10. There is not a single person named Floyd in the band, but some of the members do arguably look kinda pink

Nirvana: 10/10. Getting high and listening to Nirvana is roughly what I imagine actual nirvana to be like

Foo Fighters: either 0/10 or 10/10. I have never seen foo in real life so either they’re pretending to fight a problem that doesn’t exist or they’re doing an absolutely fantastic job of fighting it

The Eagles: 0/10. Same as the Beatles, there is not a single eagle in this band. The name is misleading and we have all been lied to

Queen: 6/10. Partial points for Freddie Mercury

Led Zeppelin: 0/10. I don’t think any of these guys have ever even seen a zeppelin, let alone one made of lead. A lead balloon would crash faster than my hopes and dreams

The Rolling Stones: 3/10. There is not a single stone in this band. Some points added because I’m pretty sure they rolled quite a few

U2: 0/10. Despite what the name says, I am not a member of this band

Metallica: 9/10. Naming a metal band “Metallica” is like naming your dog “doggy”

Red Hot Chili Peppers: 2/10. These guys are not chili peppers. They’re not even that hot, let alone red hot

Guns N’ Roses: 0/10. How the fuck could a gun or a flower play music

Backstreet Boys: ?/10. Depends entirely on their current given location

Simon and Garfunkel: 10/10. No notes

The Doors: 1/10. Jim Morrison is kinda shaped like a door tho

Chicago: 4/10. The number of people in this band does not come even remotely close to the population of Chicago. Points added because it originated in Chicago

Earth, wind, and fire: 2/10. This is even more innacurate than Chicago. Points added because wind instruments were often used

Def Leppard: 3/10. There is not a single leopard in this band. Some of the members are probably kinda deaf by now tho

The Beach Boys: ?/10. Accuracy depends entirely on location

The Black Eyed Peas: 6/10. Not sure what the hell an ‘eyed pea’ is but the black part is pretty accurate

Imagine Dragons: ?/10. Depends entirely on whether or not they’re thinking about dragons.

Cage the Elephant: 1/10. Why would you do that. Let the elephant go

Green Day: 0/10. They’re not even green

The Police: 0/10. There is not a single cop in this band

KISS: 5/10. I’m sure they probably kissed sometimes

The Monkees: 0/10. Are you fucking kidding me

We Butter the Bread with Butter: 8/10. I can’t verify this but I have no reason to suspect that they’d lie. Butter seems like the most logical thing to butter bread with

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard: 0/10. I got really excited about the concept of a lizard wizard only to be let down. My disappointment is immeasurable

They Might Be Giants: 5/10. I googled everyone in this band’s height, the tallest guy’s only 6’1 so I wouldn’t exactly consider him a giant. Then again, I can’t really argue because the claim was only that they MIGHT be giants

The Presidents of the United States of America: 2/10. None of these people are Joe Biden nor are any of them former presidents. This is incredibly misleading. I’m pretty sure “Lump” was written about my first girlfriend tho so I’ll give them a point or two

Gorillaz: 2/10 Not quite but we’re kinda close genetically so I’ll give them partial credit

The Killers: ?/10. I have no way of verifying if they’ve actually killed before but the fact that they’re not in prison tells me probably not

The Offspring: 10/10. These guys are definitely somebody’s offspring

Arctic Monkeys: 1/10. They are neither monkeys nor are they from the arctic

Thirty Seconds to Mars: 1/10. It takes WAY longer to get to mars than that

Beastie Boys: 8/10. They’re pretty beast on the guitar

Jimmy Eat World: 1/10. Slow the fuck down Jimmy, you’re biting off way more than you can chew

Hole: 9/10. One point deducted because I’m pretty sure they had more than one hole

Rage Against the Machine: 10/10. They did exactly that

Alice In Chains: 0/10. This is illegal. Let Alice go

The Band: 10/10. This could not possibly be more accurate

Nine Inch Nails: 1/10. I can’t find any good pictures of their feet but from what I can tell their fingernails definitely aren’t nine inches long

Bush: ?/10. Not quite sure about this one, felt uncomfortable asking

The Who: 2/10. I’m not dealing with this “Who’s On First” bullshit

Radiohead: 0/10. Not a single person in this band has a radio for a head

Queens of the Stone Age: 0/10. This band should be called “five random dudes from the modern era” but FRDFTMA is a bit of a mouthful

Soundgarden: 2/10. Sound does not grow in the garden

Sonic Youth: 5/10. They’re not exactly youth anymore but the sonic part checks out

Talking heads: 8/10. There’s more to the band than just a bunch of disembodied heads but the heads do tend to talk

The Cranberries: 0/10. Decent music but I only added them so that the Beatles and Freddie Mercury weren’t the only fruits on this list

The Wiggles: 8/10. They do tend to wiggle a lot

Blue Man Group: 10/10. Yep!

Weezer: 5/10. They all look like they definitely have asthma

Limp Bizkit: 3/10. While the visual image of baked goods playing the guitar is hilarious, Fred durst is not a biscuit. Points added because he probably has erectile dysfunction

Stone Temple Pilots: 0/10. None of these people are accredited as being licensed to pilot anything, much less an entire stone temple. Stone temples don’t need pilots anyways

Wasted Youth: 8/10. I guess it really kinda depends on how you frame it but yeah, they probably wasted a lot of it

Them Crooked Vultures: 3/10. These are people and not birds but Dave Grohl’s posture is kinda bad and John Paul Jones is so old that his neck kinda looks like a vulture’s so I added some points

Audioslave: 0/10. Slavery is illegal

Traveling Wilburys: 4/10. Sure, they traveled a lot but not a single one of those lying bastards was named Wilbury

D12: 6/12. There were only 6 people in this band

NWA: 10/10. I’m a little too white to safely comment on this one but I’d say they nailed it

Jet: 1/10. A real jet would be way too loud

Goldfinger: 0/10. Not a single person in this band has a finger made out of gold

No Doubt: ?/10. I can’t really be too sure how Gwen Stefani felt but I think it’s probably a safe assumption that she had some doubts

The White Stripes: 3/10. I bet if you stripped them down naked and made them stand shoulder to shoulder and squinted really hard they’d probably look more like white stripes

Screaming trees: 3/10. They scream occasionally

Garbage: 2/10. I think they’re being a little harsh on themselves, their music isn’t THAT bad

Butthole Surfers: 5/10. Not even gonna touch this one

Megadeth: 3/10. To be fair, some of the former members are dead but only a little amount of death, not mega death

Dead Kennedys: 2/10. Last I checked Kennedy was still dead but neither he nor his clones are members of this band

Cake: 0/10. The cake is a lie

Cracker: 8/10. Most of them are

Tool: 7/10. I don’t know much about their music but they sure look like tools

Counting Crows: ?/10. Is this what emo kids do instead of counting sheep? Accuracy depends on whatever bird they happen to be counting at the moment

Dave Matthews Band: 10/10. It certainly is

Oasis: 1/10. Their music is the opposite of an oasis

Blur: 2/10. They are not that fast

Barenaked Ladies: 0/10. If I wanted to be this disappointed I’d reestablish a connection with my biological father instead

Meat Puppets: 10/10. Technically, aren’t we all?

Live: 8/10. Apparently they still do live shows but I deducted some points because I’ve only ever heard their music on Spotify

ABBA: 9/10. I’m still not giving any points to Guns N’ Roses but that’s mostly out of spite

5 Finger Death Punch: 8/10 I guess it probably depends on how hard you hit them but this seems to be the usual amount of fingers to punch somebody with

All American Rejects: 9/10. They’re all rejects from America so I don’t really see any issue with this

T. Rex: 0/10. Even if any of these people WAS a T. Rex I don’t think their arms would be long enough to play their instruments

Free: 0/10. Unless you steal their music, in which case it becomes a 10/10

The Strokes: 3/10. To my knowledge, none of them have had a stroke but I still added a few points because the name was probably accurate for other reasons

The Smashing Pumpkins ?/10. Another thing I have no way of verifying but this seems like a waste of perfectly good pumpkins

Therapy?: ?/10. The hell are they asking me for? I don’t know their medical history

Twenty One Pilots. 0/10. There’s only two of them and neither is a licensed pilot

Finger Eleven: 0/10. Leave the poor Stranger Things girl out of this

Fall Out Boy: 9/10. I conferred with an expert on this one who confirmed that they are in fact boys who had a falling out

Cream: 8/10. Considering this was the OG supergroup I’m sure a lot of people did in fact cream when their music came out

how can i be embarrassed about my music taste whennit is objectively the best?

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

It's Wednesday my dudes, VOTE WITCH TO STAND A CHANCE

Highlights from the conference room where they nominated contenders for Word of the Year 2023:

• They put Skibidi Toilet on the projector to explain what “skibidi” means.

• Baby Gronk was mentioned.

• We discussed the Rizzler.

• “Cunty” was nominated.

• “Enshittification” was suggested for EVERY category.

• “Blue Check” (like from Twitter) was briefly defined as “Someone who will not Shut The Fuck Up”

• The person writing notes briefly defined babygirl as “referencing [The Speaker]”. He is now being called babygirl in the linguist groupchats.

• MULTIPLE people raised their hand to say “I cannot stress this enough: ‘Babygirl’ refers to a GROWN MAN”

they should have named cecil palmer cecil hairloss because hairloss is the opposite of baldwin. i think.

i love how Riley, at age 11 has a random middle aged man in her brain 24/7 that tells her to curse

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.infinitycow.eplay

I'm sure this is a very innocent link to something beautiful (:

mutual 7: Haiku bot

dashboard simulator

mutual 1: i NEED hrt

mutual 2: here is 10 more paragraphs of rambling about the same character i have been talking about for the past 8 months

mutual 3:

😎 anonymous asked: hey i saw your 10k note post and i was wondering why you think it's ok to say that everyone who lives in a house should be killed and eaten?

💬 i did not fucking say that

blog i followed for a funny post a while back: this situation with my family just keeps getting worse i feel so hopeless all the time this really might be the end for me

mutual 4: why is no one talking about this obscure indie work last relevant 10+ years ago made by a lunatic that contains some of the worst writing of all time. it's a masterpiece

mutual 5: who all remember star war

blog i followed for politics: [10 consecutive reblogs of anime girls with giant tits]

blog i followed for yuri art: [10 consecutive reblogs of resource threads about marxist theory and history]

mutual 6: little doodle lol [most beautiful image ever drawn]

2024 MANDATE

Do NOT. Do not. DO NOT buy fake leather

Pirate everything. Burn cds. Fight the cloud

PHYSICAL MEDIA

Tip food service workers crazy style

Smile at yr bus driver

Wear more eyeliner

Read superhero comic books

Paint more blood and gore

See saw xi in theaters

DIY OR DIE

Draw messy

LIVE MUSIC

remember that old panic at the disco is good truly

Tell people you love them

Stompy boots

My Chemical Romance

Assault a customer at your retail job

Write that weird fanfic

Watch every vampire movie ever made

Wear that crop top

Start a fire

Listen to music made by angry women

Remember that you are fucking alive and do whatever you want

real homophobic that there is no fast walkers lane in malls

Is it just me or are the new tumblr users convinced there's a penalty of some kind for using this site like it's meant to be used?

WAR IS OVER

by the looks of things its not going to be quiet,gentle or romantic

this is not looking very quiet,gentle and romantic fam

Hello Good Omens Fandom, you have landed on the nice list for the holidays: we present the Aziraphale & Crowley Angelic Playlist. @neil-gaiman

CAN I HEAR A WAHOO MADAFAKAS!!!

socks:

how to break in your clothes

beanie: wear it and get stoned

jeans: damage them or at least get them muddy

helmet: dont break in your helmet, replace it if you do

boots: kick something living

jacket: steal an object by hiding it under your jacket

sneakers: get paint dirt AND blood on them

t-shirt: 40 mph wind

my spotify wrapped this year

danger days was the yassification of mcr and i hope they take that energy to wwwy

my cousin would not sit still for the face so here you go

she does not know things, never has and never will but she is cute tho

Everybody wants to be—…

tell one piece fans that one piece is technically a sitcom they love that

the nurse during top surgery be like

nivek ogre side wound sunday

the spirit of Lucy Gray possessing Katniss to sing hanging tree because she knows it will scare the crap out of Snow