Remember: The More Difficult You Make It For Them To Realize A Report Is False, The More Useless You

The Blues Brothers (1980)

I hate this feeling. I hate what others might say about it. This forsaken curse that makes me incompatible with the flesh suit I was born with.

I hate dysphoria. I hate it when people around the world say "it can't be that bad"

And in some cases they're right. In some cases it isn't that bad. But it's when they're wrong that dysphoria gets dangerous.

That urge that can turn to violence or sadness or both.

The urge to crush and fracture the skeleton that makes your body shaped the way it is.

The urge to skin yourself so you don't have to look wrong.

The urge to remove yourself from the equation all together so that you can try to free yourself from this feeling that you aren't in the right body.

Waking up feeling like you're possessing a stranger's skin.

Being misgendered.

Simply existing and having a thought occur that makes you wish that you could simply give up or make everything fix.

If I were in a different state I wouldn't have had to wait another year. But here I am in one of only two US States that don't view people as adults until they are 19.

One more year after this one.

One more long fucking year.

I hate this vessel I am trapped within.

I hate waking up and feeling disconnected from the very skin that portrays my being.

I want to cut all the skin off. I want to shatter every bone and destroy every last atom of the genes that forced me to develop this way.

Sometimes it's not this hard. But today it's harder than I could imagine. The only thing keeping me from desecrating this flesh suit is the knowledge that deep down, it won't change a thing and it won't make anything better.

So now all I can do is wait.

Wait until I'm old enough to actually make an impact to alter my being.

Wait until I can actually look at myself in the mirror and see me.

Wait until I can actually feel happy and like I'm inhabiting my own skin, for more than simply a week at most

How to Shower...

...when you're too dysphoric to.

Personally, I struggle with showering on my bad days since this body doesn't quite match what's up top you know? I'm a big guy too, over 6' and more than 200 lbs. So showering in of itself tends to be an event every time. I had issues growing up and stumbled around on the internet enough to get comfortable in this. So without further ado, lets begin. How do you shower...

... when I can't stand seeing myself?

First, we gotta figure out the boundaries of "seeing myself." When you look in the mirror, can you stand there and feel confident? Is it cause you're not wearing your preferred clothing? Is it cause you can't stand seeing the wrong reflection? Next, stand where your reflection can't be seen. Now look at yourself. Can you stand seeing your hands? Your outline, your belly, your legs? Is it the finer details of your body your can't stand, or is it the greater amount. There is no wrong answer here.

It's not fun, but figure out the extent of seeing yourself. Once you've done that, it's time to get creative.

If you can look at yourself not in the mirror, but your reflection sets you off, then we get rid of the mirror. Not actually get rid of, mind you (unless you can, then be my guest), but rig up a towel or shield to put over the mirror. Cover it up, and that should ebb the issue enough to ignore it.

If you can't stand your body in general, what you should do is turn off the main lights. Don't do pitch black, that's dangerous once it's wet, but maybe crack the window shade enough to safely navigate but not see yourself. If there isn't a window, get some waterproof string lights, and either dim them or cover up just enough of them to safely navigate. Maybe get a darker shower curtain.

If you can't stand yourself without your preferred clothing, then we get shower clothes. Robes are great for covering yourself up, and there's an endless amount of possibilities for what that robe looks like. Do you have a favorite media? Chances are you can find one online styled with that. I have a TMNT robe I use when it's cold. If robes aren't your cup of tea, shower aprons are another option. A shower apron is basically a cloak someone out there made for folks who have issues bathing themself or need assistance bathing but want some privacy. This one is the first one to pop up when I googled it, but there are far cheaper options out there. (https://www.buckandbuck.com/mens-terry-shower-robe.html) If those don't interest you, swimwear. Swimsuits are designed for water. While wearing them, it may be harder to clean some areas, but we're trying to get you to bathe what you can first. Clean the majority of your body before you clean your problem areas. If you don't have body dysphoria around the "normal" areas, but instead have issues with say, your hands? Spas have a couple great options out there, like exfoliating gloves. Or if you have issues with your feet, shower shoes.

Do what you can to minimise sight in the safest way possible. I should mention, 'cause I'm sure someone out there won't think it an issue until after the fact, but don't shave in the dark. If you have issues shaving, DM me and we can talk in private. Shaving in the dark is akin to running around at night with a pocket knife. A bad idea for everyone involved.

... when the bathroom is the opposite of how I present myself?

If you are masculine presenting in a feminine bathroom, or the opposite, or something in between, then we try and get the bathroom to reflect you. Do you share the bathroom with anyone? Can you seperate the problem items while you are showering? Growing up, I had issues with my mother and sister's smelly products, so I went out and bought some shower organisers for the back of the door, where we started putting things instead, so they weren't being perfume-y while I showered. I also set things on the counter while I showered and replaced them after. If it's a design issue, and your bathroom compatriots are okay with it, maybe swap out the shower curtain or decor. My ma used to have the bathroom cat themed (idk why, but she did), and it was rather pink and cutesy. After I came out, I asked if we could redo the bathroom, and she and I compromised with a beach theme, and we disguised it as a chance to renovate the features in general, to our more conservative neighbors at the time. If that's out of the question (or budget), maybe introduce crates or a cart or other organization just to cover your ass with whoever you share with. If you can stand them, try candles or scent diffusers. There are masculine ones out there! Bath n Body Works used to have a coffee and bourbon scent I adored, but they recently discontinued it, so I got a plug in one from Walmart that's scented fresh linen. My sister moved out a while ago and has a ton of flowery scents around her apartment. My dad likes citrus. Find something that works for you.

... when my intrusive/impulsive thoughts get pretty loud?

Then we get louder. I have OCD, and struggle in particular with intrusive thoughts. My friends, let me introduce you to... waterproof speakers! I got my first one for $7 at a nearby Walmart. My latest one was $20 from Amazon. We didn't have Wifi until the Pandemic, when the cable companies realized they could exploit the town further and laid the underground wires through the town (promise this is related). As such, before we had Wifi, I would steal my sister's radio and pop in one of my discs, usually something upbeat and fast so I could dance and distract myself. My brother uses our dad's old walkman and hooks it up to a mini speaker he got at a Christmas Party about a decade ago. My ma sticks her phone in the sink's cubby and it amplifies the sound and puts on her news station. If nothing else, you can hum out loud and just try to distract yourself.

... when I can't stand feeling the wrong body under my hands?

Then we get assistive devices! Washcloths, loofahs, sponges, pomis stones, exfoliating nets... there are so many out there, all we gotta do is look! I mentioned earlier exfoliating gloves. If you need help searching, let me know and we can brainstorm together!

Overall, bathing is unfortunately a necessity, and we gotta figure out how we can trick your mind into making it easier. Feel free to comment questions or concerns or other tips if you've also dealt with this.

And keep in mind, this may seem an embarrassing topic or something otherwise taboo. Be kind. The bravest thing to do is ask for help, and if I can then I fucking will. The block and report button is easily accessible; you control your internet experience. If you don't want to see this, leave my blog. Easy. Simple. If you find something wrong with this, then feel free to DM me and we can talk personally. But if you decide to shame someone on my post then be ready to get blocked and reported. Hate will not be tolerated here.

Help my family to get out and search for what is left of life. The war is devastating. Death is approaching every person and destruction is everywhere. We hope that there is hope before it is too late.

I wish I could help, truly, I just don't have the funds for it at this time. I'm so so sorry

10 or 11 little ducks have been spotted crossing the dash board

We will make this live longer than Sans Undertale

A restaurant named You're Not Supposed To Be Here, where the whole point is that the vibes are unnerving. The lighting is weird, the whole place has a faint scent that's not a bad smell, but it's certainly not food smell and you can't quite identify what the hell it is. The music is weirdly janky and you can't quite tell what's wrong with it, the vocals aren't exactly garbled but sung in a language you swear you've never heard anywhere and couldn't name if you tried. Only hiring staff who have anxiety and they're 100% permitted to show how much your presence here stresses them out.

it really hurts me to see so many gazans asking us for help, though that's through no fault of their own. they've been forced to use a social media site that they're probably not familiar with (because tumblr has kind of faded out of popular consciousness), to interact with us in a second language, to distinguish themselves from the scammers who are taking advantage of genocide, and to ask strangers for help. i don't think there are any cultures where it's easy to ask for help like this, but i'm intimately familiar with how humiliating it can be in arab culture. please be kind, gracious and helpful to the gazans in your inbox. this is a desperate time for them, and in addition to the physical danger inflicted by "israel", the prices of basic resources in gaza are extremely high due to scarcity, and those that manage to escape to egypt are financially exploited by landlords there and have an extremely difficult time finding work due to their unofficial status as refugees. these families will continue to need our help and i hope we can all continue to provide it to the best of our ability.

hi!  I am desperately in need for help. I need my insulin to bring my blood sugar back down. It’s $300 That’s all I need. I’m not asking for a windfall, just a little help, please.

Be blessed 💓🙏🙏💓

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I'm sorry, I can't donate at this time but I can spread this message. I hope you're safe and you find sanctuary soon!