Yes, Yes It Is.

Entry #24, 11/20/19

Greetings. I am currently on the ‘vacation’ I told you about in the last entry. The journey yesterday was beyond burdensome. My sister didn’t want to help move the luggage and basically just pouted the whole time, because ‘‘It’S tOo HeAvY’‘, and my mother (whom I will refer to as Voldemort from now on) was just there, not doing anything about my little sister’s laziness. Apparently (according what she said) I was a lazy piece of sh- when I watched over the remaining luggage instead of helping moving it around. Most likely because she had to help Voldemort.

After our arrival, though, things have been pretty great. I/We have a ‘‘flat’‘ in the second house; it has a small bathroom (but still big enough to fit a shower, toilet and sink), a bedroom with two beds and a table, and a ‘‘main area’‘, where there is another bed, two cupboards and a table. All in all, it would be pretty cozy and great... if there wasn’t my mother packing it with tons and tons of stuff. She has a cupboard full of food, even though we get served breakfast, lunch and dinner, and has packed 3, I repeat, 3 suitcases for her alone.

>>one is for arts and crafts, one is my luggage and one is for your very thick clothing.<<, she said. I think now might be the appropriate time to inform you that I packed my own suitcase with everything I need. After all, I am old enough to pack my own clothes etc.

Moving on to today: I woke up at 6.30, went to have breakfast, then straight to the ‘‘school’‘, only to be greeted by about 15 kids under the age of 11. I did the only thing I could think of, and sat down at a lonely table in the corner of the room. Only a few minutes later, a kid sat down next to me and we just kinda started to play a random game. Soon after, another boy (about 9) sat down with us and just joined the game. The entire group then sat in a circle, and we started telling each other our names. I don’t remember many of them, but there was one boy that stood out. After saying his name, he stated that he would turn 14 in three days (just like me), and just said that he hates people. It was too relatable to actually be true. And as if that wasn’t enough, he also has a little sibling of his own gender (just like me #2). I don’t know his brothers name, though. Nor his last name. But I will hopefully find out soon. Why not stalk him a little, eh?~

Ah, it’s getting late. I will go to bed now, goodbye and goodnight you beautiful people~

Mary out~

As I said earlier, I prefer no or foreign vocals, but of course there is always an exception. So here, have more good songs. Good in my opinion, that is. Pun intended.

Entry #12, 9/1/19

Ah, if I'm here, I might as well... nothing has really happened. I've been at my therapist's. He told me to look around for some activities that include talking to people, since I don't really know anyone near me that I can talk to on a daily basis. I just don't trust my family members, or classmates. Nobody around me is to be trusted, they'll turn against me. I know that as a fact. They won't listen properly, and if they do they either make fun of me, or they don't try to help. They are not to be trusted.

Anyways. He (my therapist) told me, that I needed some human contact. In person. I don't know anyone around that likes me or that I like though,so that could get hard. I've decided I just take the compliments people give me. By that I mean I'll listen to my two best friends, I don't get compliments from anyone else.

Did I already let you know that I'd be getting away from my class, my problems, and almost everyone I know for a while? Just for about 3 or 4 weeks, but I'll be somewhere far away from my worries. I'll go to an island on the east coast, alongside my mother and sister. Fortunately, there'll be a psychologist, too, so I'll have someobe to turn to. I'm already saving up so I can give myself a bit of a luxury treatment, and I trust that it'll calm my nerves and make me stronger, at least for some time. My birthday is also in that time where I am gone, so I

Firstly won't have to worry about a party (even though I wasn't planning on celebrating in the first place), and

Secondly will be able to be all on my own that day. Sitting on the beach, watching the waves, listening to the calming sound of the sea... what an amazing picture. But of course, there could be rain on that exact day, or the beach is crowded, or, or, or. But I still hope it won't be that bad a day.

So, that's all I have to say. Goodbye, my friends, readers, and fellow humans. I'll see you around.

Another song I seem to like. Fortunately, it doesn't have vocals. I prefer songs without many vocals, or vocals I can't understand, so there's still room to imagine what it might be about or what might be happening.

I thought I'd share. This picture was taken on the 9/14/19, saturday, at about 19:50. I was outside the whole afternoon, and went away with the sun. It was a great day, just relaxing in the sun, listening to music, reading my favorite book, enjoying my own company...

Entry #3

The weather didn't change. It's 17:00 at the time I'm writing this, and there's not really anything else to do.

My other best friend has fever, but it's gotten better over the past few days. She had a few fever hallucinations, but that might also be because of her schizophrenia, and that it's ''mixing'' with the fever. It's very hot where she lives as well right now, so she has a chance of getting worse. But she seems to be doing quite well up until now, so let's just hope it'll stay like that.

I think I might actually finish my diary in the next week, maybe even this week, who knows. Then I can finally start the new one! I might post a picture of the new diary later, when I start using it. But until then, it's gonna stay a secret.

I'll keep you up to date, bye ^^

Entry #33, 14/4/20

I’m so sorry I stopped updating! I kinda forgot I had a blog--- but I’ll try to remember and update more often from now on!

Anyway... a quick summary of what happened (of course with the help of my diary because I forget everything way too fast):

1.: Me and my ‘‘best’‘ friend Cel stopped talking. She barely has any time anymore, so I gave up on trying to contact her. I told her how i felt about the whole situation, and kinda--- emotionally detached from her again?? I came to terms with the fact that we won’t talk anymore, but instead of breaking off contact I decided to keep her as a ‘‘friend’‘ for roleplaying, cuz she’s the only one I have a bnha-roleplay with.

2.: The guy from the German equivalent of child services was here twice, and we’ll probably get the family-helper peeps after this whole ‘‘situation’‘ with the pandemic is over.

3.: Pesto (my ex-bestie) texted me a while back. I said i would give him a second chance, but honestly... I was really disappointed when I found out he hadn’t killed himself. I tried to make him do it passive-aggressively, but he got a gf and his mental health was very good in general, so I’ll just wait until he has another depressive-episode (he’s bipolar)...

4.: A guy from my school, that I literally talked to once before and that we’ll call Dennis, asked a good friend of mine (Freddie) if he could get my number. Freddie told me and asked if I was okay with him giving Dennis my number, I said yes... big mistake. Dennis started texting me every twenty minutes, it got really annoying, but I was too scared to hurt his feeling, so I didn’t tell him off. He started talking to me in school too, gave me a drawing (a bad one at that) and just made me really uncomfortable in general. After getting a bit of advice from a couple other girls I told him I was uncomfortable with texting him, he said he understood, but was clearly hurt by what I said (I tried to be as nice as possible!). Anyway, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with him right now... >~<°

5.: I got an interview for a politics-project I need for school. It went well, I got all the info I needed, yeet.

And since I’m a meanie, I saved the best for last:

I got a girlfriend!~~ (31.3.20 UwU) She’s in all of the discord servers I’m in, and even before we got together we talked super often and complimented each other constantly... She’s super cute! Whenever I talk to her I feel so much lighter, happier and just overall better...~ and if you’d have asked past me if I could ever imagine getting a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend as my first ever relationship, I’d have shouted ‘‘No way!’‘- and now look where that got me. It’s not even like I was homophobic, I just thought it was weird for me to like a girl because that’s just how I was raised. (My gramps was a really religious christian, and of course the whole ‘‘very religious grandpa’‘ stereotype wouldn’t be complete without a heaping pile of homophobia...) Now I’m happily in love, I even imagined how awesome it would be to move in together, adopt a kid and get married... which I never could before (with anyone, not just girls) without feeling a little weird about it. But now I can imagine all I want and even feel like it’s the right thing to do!~ God, I could go on and on about how much I love her... <3

There’s something else I want to address as well tho, so no can do. I got into a fight with my mother just a couple days ago, and I’m giving her the Todoroki-Treatment again (I talk to her as little as possible, and when I do, I have a monotone voice and neutral expression). She accused me of so many things I didn’t do, and even said to my face that I was born as [deadname] and will always stay [deadname]. I’m using the word deadname not because I’m trans (cuz that’s where it’s actually supposed to be used), but because I hate the name I was born with and don’t want to be addressed with the name that I link so many bad memories with. The very next day, she took away my phone and laptop because I was ‘’disrespectful’‘. The day after that, (12.4.20, Easter+ my little sister’s b-day) she wanted to talk about what happened again and admitted she was wrong. She apologized, even wrote ‘‘Mary’‘ on an egg custom-filled with chocolate to ‘‘buy’‘ my happiness in a way. Didn’t work. She was just being really pathetic... like always after a fight when she ‘’regrets saying those things and that she actually didn’t mean them’‘. I’m just in complete control whenever that happens, and it’s really awesome bc I can make her feel really bad by just not talking to her lmao-

Anyway, that was all that happened. I’ll let you know when something interesting is going on. Bai! ^^

Entry #25, 11/22/19

I am excited to announce that I found out some more stuff about him, and that he has taken notice of my existence! Now, let me be more clear:

First off, his brother’s name. We’ll call him Timothy for the hecc of it. I overheard the boy (let’s call him Raph) calling his brother by that while I was listening in on a conversation they had, hehe~ I also found out their last name while looking on a list one of the ‘‘caretakers’‘ let me look at; it’ll be Willson for now. So it’s Timothy and Raph Willson. I feel like such a sneaky stalker, ehehe~

Onto the second part: he actually watched me for a short while. I was just playing ‘‘Activity’‘ with Yuri (a transgender [now] female) and a few other girls of the group, while all of the others were out swimming. In a pool, that is. It’s way too cold to swim in the sea now. Anyways; everyone was in the pool, except for me, Yuri, the girls and Raph and a friend of his. Those two were just playing Uno all day long. After some time, it was my turn to explain something. I did my best (and apparently my best is pretty good, because they got it right quite fast most of the time), and then I notice that Raph is looking my way. I did my best to ignore him, and just continue with the game. Soon after, the same thing repeated. That made me wonder... why does he look at me? Was I too loud? Can’t be, he didn’t look annoyed. Maybe he was just curious. Yeah, most likely.  I mean... I guess it just wasn’t his turn.

Oh, look at the time run. I’ve got to go! See you soon~

Entry #22, part 2

And of course I forgot something. The whole ‘‘Pesto’‘ situation. Long story short, I confronted him, he told me that ‘‘If I wasn’t going to accept him the way he is, I should block him/ stop talking to him.’‘ For your information, I asked him to stop insulting the things I like to spend time on, he said ‘‘BuT iT’s SaRcAsM’‘ and that he ‘‘wouldn’t change himself for me’‘.

>>You’re being kinda rude, please stop<<

>>Oh so you don’t accept me for the person I am? I won’t change my way of talking. What makes you think I would? Just because you told me multiple times that I’m hurting your feelings and that I’m making you question your whole exsistence?<<

May I just quickly say this: he told me that pride flags are bullsh-, because only countries need flags. He made me, I’d even say forced me to throw away a bookmark I made by hand, with a lot of effort and love put into it, just because it had the Gay and Bi pride flag on it (each has their own side, so one side of it is rainbow colored and the other pink, purple and blue). I didn’t actually throw it away, I just put it somewhere I knew I’d find it later, and I’m currently using it again.

Needless to say, I wished him a long and happy life, and blocked him on every social media, including discord, but forgot to block his actual number, and he texted me a few minutes after, saying:

>>Great that you thought of doing this for longer and not telling me about it. For your information, no, I won’t have neither a happy nor a long life.<<

I explained that basically telling me he’d kill himself wouldn’t change my mind, that that’s just toxic of him to say and that I’ve made up my mind. I said my goodbyes once again, and lastly blocked him there too.

I’ve always been supportive, no matter what he did. I reassured him it was going to be fine, helped him to deepen the bond between him and a girl he liked/s, prevented him from comitting suicide and tried to be as good of a friend as I could be. Now, I’m just asking myself if I made him behave like that. Maybe he just copied my behavior? What if he lied to me, and I was actually a horrible person towards him? What if I was the toxic one in the friendship?

I’ll think about this and maybe update later on, I don’t know about it though. We’ll see. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent like this. I’ll see you soon, goodbye.

Entry #16, 9/11/19

Currently in the bus, on my way to school. I thought I'd quickly tell you how my therapist reacted, since I promised you said info: he apologized, multiple times, and- well, we had other things to talk about, so I changed the subject after a while. He recommended a book (about psychology), and I'm hopefully gonna be able to get it soon. I mean, if someone, whose profession is psychology, recommends a book, it has to be good, right? It's about childhood and trauma, and how to detect one, too, I think. I'll take a look at it later. See you!