From Lemarquandlaura

mrs barbour: what have u been up to :’)

theos mind: [dont say getting addicted to opioids dont say getting addicted to opioids] 

theo: dealing antiques :-)

throwback to theo punching boris in the face at the park and boris kissing the blood off of theos knuckles or whatever it was

reaching the point of hyperfixation where I can no longer engage with it due to the nausea that I experience at the mere thought of seeing it on my screen is the closest I’ve ever been to being diagnosed with female hysteria

new game plan called shield yourself at all times and never let anyone in . this will have no repercussions

crying over the thought of theo only having one intimate partner in his entire life that he felt comfortable with, but was forced to treat like just another self-destructive habit despite feeling love for him, fully and truly

just googled my symptoms and it turns out it was boris i missed, the whole impulsive mess of him: gloomy, reckless, hot-tempered, appallingly thoughtless. boris pale and pasty, with his shoplifted apples and his russian-language novels, gnawed-down fingernails and shoelaces dragging in the dust. boris - budding alcoholic, fluent curser in four languages - who snatched food from my plate when he felt like it and nodded off drunk on the floor, face red like he’d been slapped. 

my yearning compilation

“Sure—I did plenty of stupid things. Stupider than you! But me,” he said, toying with a cigarette, “I was trying to have fun and be happy. You wanted to be dead. It’s different.”

— Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

An absence so heavy it becomes a presence

& you know what it actually IS lifechanging to smile at strangers & say please & thank you & goodmorning & compliment someones outfit & help someone in need & be more accepting of loving other people just because they are other people!!!