Day Forty-two

I love all of this!

Forgive me if you've been asked this already but at what moment do you think Clarke fell in love with Lexa, or realized she was in love with her? I believe Eliza had trouble answering this at a con (I think she said it was before the bow though) so I'm wondering what you think.

Mmm that’s hard to say, and honestly, that’s kinda what I love about it. Because you can’t always exactly pinpoint the moment you fall in love with someone, right? Maybe it’s a feeling that grows gradually but unstoppable, maybe it’s like a wave hitting you at once, it varies. And that’s how I think it was for Clarke.

The way I see it, it was sudden for her at first and then everything slowed down and it naturally developed. It wasn’t love yet in the beginning, but there was definitely a realization that she had feelings for Lexa. Just look at her face after storming out of Lexa’s tent in 2x14. 

Why else would she looked so bothered? If she had just been upset about their argument she would have had an angry face. Instead she looks like she’s literally trying to physically restrain her feelings, whatever they may be. She takes that deep, shaky breath in an attempt to collect herself because, what the hell just happened inside that tent? Did Lexa really just confess she has feelings for me? And why does it affect me so much? What am I feeling? This is what I think is going through her mind. And then of course we have the confirmation of this, when she gladly replies to Lexa’s kiss. Even after she rejects her, there is no indication of that being a definitive rejection. There is no feeling of “I’m sorry, but I don’t reciprocate.” Clarke is not ready for a relationship, and it’s right that she was honest with Lexa, but she rejects her in literally the softest way possible, AND leaves the door open for the future. Not yet. That means she already sees herself considering a relationship with Lexa in the future, after healing, when she’s finally ready. And look at how tender and somewhat tamely longing her gaze is even after she rejected Lexa.

She is definitely aware of her feelings for Lexa here. But then the betrayal happens and ah, they take 46 steps back.

Now, of course, Lexa’s betrayal causes Clarke to close herself off. Clarke is angry at Lexa, she’s angry at herself, she’s in pain, every other feeling pales in comparison. And obviously, so much of Clarke’s suffering is tied to what Lexa did, so it’s definitely not a surprise that romance is out of the question when they first meet again. Clarke’s pain is consuming her, she is definitely not thinking about whatever she and Lexa had. And yet…

This isn’t a romantic moment by any means. But we’re talking about Clarke realizing she loves Lexa, and I don’t think we can’t gloss over this moment. When I say that I don’t romanticize this scene, it’s because this is not a cute moment. This isn’t a “oh my God, she loves her!” moment, this moment is sad. It’s painful, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s so damn important. Clarke can’t kill Lexa here. How much easier would it be for her to shut her heart out entirely, to blame Lexa for everything and just kill her without feeling anything? I bet in that moment, a part of Clarke wants that. But Clarke feels, and she feels for Lexa. She has these feelings and they won’t go away, not even when she’s at her lowest. So yeah, not a romantic moment, but definitely essential to understand Clarke’s complicated feelings for Lexa.

After the bow, Clarke is a little more trusting towards Lexa, but she’s definitely still closed off, she’s not ready to expose her heart yet. And we get to the “I’m doing it for my people” episode, 3x04. Right from the very beginning, Clarke spends the entire episode trying to find a way to keep Lexa safe, to protect her. But every single time she voices her concerns to Lexa or hell, even Titus, her preoccupation feels far more personal than political. She’s worried, she’s agitated, she even seems angry that Lexa won’t listen to her and step away from the duel. It’s a crescendo of apprehension and frustration and anxiousness as every single one of Clarke’s attempts fails, crescendo that culminates in an emotional explosion.

The second gif is particularly telling. Titus interrupts them, the moment is gone and Clarke finds herself having to face what just happened. Look at her face, at how she looks away from Lexa and sucks a breath through her teeth. She’s restraining her feelings, but she’s a little too late this time. And it’s not only Lexa who is shaken by Clarke’s emotional outburst, it’s Clarke herself too. She doesn’t catch herself in time and now she can’t pretend with herself that those feelings aren’t there. I think this is when the true first “shift” after the betrayal happens. Clarke wants to keep Lexa at arm’s length but Lexa might very well die that same day and, despite any resolution she had, the thought terrifies Clarke. And she’s so scared that she’s never going to see Lexa again that…

I could write an essay on all the emotions Clarke experiences before and throughout and at the end of Lexa’s duel, but the gist of it is that during this tense moment, with Lexa’s life on the line, she can’t bring herself to hide her feelings. It’s all there, on her face. 

Only when things settle down she is able to collect herself again. Lexa comes visit her that night and we see Clarke pull her walls up again. “I was just doing what was right for my people.” BUT! Even if Clarke is not ready to open up her heart again, that scene is infused with intimacy. Even Clarke’s “rejection” is filled with emotion.

Clarke is the opposite of cold here. The way I see it, she is pulling away because she’s realizing she’s close to giving in, but she’s not yet ready for that. It’s so clear that here Lexa is talking about what happened at Mount Weather too, this is another quiet apology that Clarke obviously recognizes. If she went with her feelings, Clarke would have to admit that she does understand Lexa, that in her heart maybe she’s already forgiven her. But in that moment it’s too overwhelming, so she looks away and avoids the conversation, avoids Lexa’s gaze, avoids having to focus on her feelings.

She literally keeps having to look away because things get too intense but at the same time there’s a tenderness in her eyes that she can’t hide. And once Lexa is gone and she can breathe… bam

All the feelings she restrained, everything she tried to hide merely minutes ago hits her full force. I said I think Clarke’s love for Lexa developed gradually, naturally, but if I had to pick a specific moment and say that’s when Clarke realized she’s in love with Lexa, it would be this one.

By the time we get to 3x06, I do believe Clarke knows and has accepted she is in love with Lexa, but she’s still struggling to admit it out loud, especially to Lexa. That episode happens roughly 7-10 days after the events of Hakeldama, and when we see Clarke and Lexa again, they are closer than ever. There is a sense of intimacy, of almost domesticity between them. They are comfortable with each other’s presence. There’s not really a reason for them being in the same room in that scene: Lexa fell asleep while reading and Clarke is drawing (there are other sheets in her folder, which makes me think she was drawing other things before focusing on Lexa). They don’t have to talk or interact, they simply are together.

When Lexa wakes up from the nightmare, Clarke doesn’t hesitate to jump next to her and comfort her, with soothing touches and calming, reassuring words. And then we get to the moment Lexa notices the drawing. A lot has been said about Lexa’s face, but instead look at Clarke’s.

This is the exact opposite of what I was talking about in 3x04. Lexa sees the drawing and is taken aback. That she doesn’t know whether she should hope for anything is another story, but the look she gives Clarke is very telling. And Clarke doesn’t avoid it. Yes, her first instinct is to play it off as something meaningless. “Uh, that’s not- it’s not finished yet.” But then Lexa looks at her, confused, surprised, a tiny bit hopeful, and Clarke meets her gaze and they just stare at each other. Look at that little pause she does before lifting her eyes. That’s when she chooses not to hide. As I said, I think that here Clarke has come to terms with her feelings for Lexa, but here for the first time, she doesn’t hide them from Lexa. Her look is just as telling as Lexa’s. They aren’t saying a word and this is one of their most honest, important conversations. Clarke is silent, but her eyes are speaking, her untold feelings are there, and maybe letting Lexa know isn’t so unfathomable anymore. Maybe, maybe Clarke this is the closest Clarke has been to being ready.

So this is what i think. The way I see it, it’s tricky and complicated and simply beautiful.

Sigh. Gen X erasure, again. That’s fine. Not.

Surnames are just as important as given names. So, I compiled a list of the websites I use to find my surnames.

English Surnames

Dutch Surnames

Spanish Surnames

Scottish Surnames

German Surnames

Italian Surnames

Irish Surnames

French Surnames

Scandinavian Surnames

Welsh Surnames

Jewish Surnames

Surnames By Ethnicity

Most Common Surnames in the USA

Most Common Surnames in Great Britan

Most Common Surnames in Asia

Atomic Blonde: All that and more

I'd read a critique of "Atomic Blonde" that panned the film as plotless, that it was merely a vehicle for Charlize Theron to inflict gratuitous violence against a series of men between sex scenes with Sofia Boutella. (FYI: This description was not a deterant for me to see it opening night). What they failed to mention was the: amazing 80s setting, fashions, and music; and intricate plot twists. There were two plot points which I found ... weak (see spoilers below) but other than that, ATOMIC BLONDE was pretty awesome! I highly recommend the film. I’m still not sure who Satchel was/is.

I have two critiques though (spoilers): 

Sound engineers who are aware of the tech in 1989 may have to close their eyes at one point and choose to "believe" in sound mixing gods. 

After threatening someone, I would not wander around my apartment in lingerie wearing headphones with the window open. Just Saying.

Such an excellent post! Reposting

the suffering never ends

Is it bad that I like this fanfic so very very much because Clarke punches Finn? I know - it is not cool to punch people but: Finn didn’t tell Clarke about Raven; he didn’t tell Raven about Clarke so Clarke ended up telling Raven; Finn set fire to a village’s food stores then executed unarmed villagers; Finn told Clarke he had performed the massacre for her; the attack delayed the grounders and sky people uniting against the mountain men

So ... on second thought, maybe I really don’t like what happened to Finn. What happened to the Peace loving dare devil of the first season?

Ummm, is it just me  but ...

Be warned: Slight spoilers if you haven’t watched S04E12 “The Chosen” yet

... I was surprised that Clarke didn’t say goodbye to Niylah in this episode. Worse, Clarke left Niylah in a room of scarred skaikru. Clarke didn’t even ask Abby to make sure that Niylah was in the lottery - like Emori asked to be. Wow! Clarke, what the hell. I know that people die after sleeping with you but don’t assume that is always the case. Yes, I know that Niylah is not Clarke’s soulmate but at least a, “thanks for the snuggles and being supportive even after I stole the bunker” from Clarke before she headed off in a hazmat suit, would have been nice. Just sayin’

Of an excellent actress, a predictable script and a tripe load of heteronormative tropes.

I just watched Christmas Inheritance. Eliza Taylor is an excellent actress, I really enjoy her work. I enjoyed her work in this film but it was not easy to. The reason it was not easy to was: the horrible and predictive script, the somewhat wooden actors that were also in the film (Andie MacDonald was great, love her), the awful awful choice in eligible men available to “Ellie”. I mean seriously, I have not dated or tried to date a man in an age but surely their are more choices than: option one - entitled judgy rich elitist douche bag who treats his fiancé like a possession; or option two - judgy dismissive “set in his ways” not in touch with his feelings and can’t even look his love interest in the eyes traditionalist. Like wow both these dudes spent more time looking at inatimate objects e.g. cellphone or floor, than looking at the woman they are supposed to be into.

Is this what straight movies are like? Is the bar this low for male suitors? Surely there is more than one Justin Trudeau out there.

At one point I drifted off during a Ellie Jake scene because there was no chemistry and was like “how did Eliza and Alycia create so much chemistry in a post apocalyptic world when this Jake dude is stiffer than a nut cracker in this rom com?” Near the end I was just hoping Ontari would show up and kill the suitors. Sigh.

My only explanation for this film is that Ms. Taylor, as an Australian, had all these nostalgic ideas around “White Christmases” and was wooed by that aspect of the script. But that wasn’t real snow. Snow doesn’t spray up from the sidewalk midway up a stairway.

Le sigh.

So, as promised, here’s my list of lesbian movies for all of our lovely followers and the people you want to share it with. I hope I haven’t forgotten any good ones, but if you feel like that is the case, feel free to add movies to the list! 

This is my gift for all of you, I hope you’ll like it ♥

/ Mod W

Tipping the Velvet 

based on the book by sarah waters (she has written many lesbian books!)

it’s a bbc adapatation

technically a mini series but i like to see it as three hours of lesbian content heaven

it’s about this girl who falls in love with an actress and she goes to see her at the theatre five billion times until the actress notices her (that’s just the first part, other things happen to the main so watch the rest for more lesbian content~)

the main character (nan astley/king) is like… my fave. i love her.

the book is very good too!!!

honestly i have so much love for this movie/book i get all giddy just thinking of it

Bound

lesbian gangster/mob movie do i need to say more???

the main actresses are cute af (one of them is a butch lesbian!)

it’s awesome and very cool

(gonna trigger warn for use of lesbophobic slurs used by some characters/some lesbophobic violence)

Below Her Mouth

meh plot with amazing sex scenes basically?

a lot of sex scenes

i mean it like half the movie is graphic sex so if ur uncomfortable with that you probably shouldn’t watch it lol

all female cast

willa from wynonna earp!

The Handmaiden

also based on a book by sarah waters (called Fingersmith, there’s a bbc adaptation of it too which you should totally check out as well)

good quality movie right there

(putting a trigger warning here for sexual and psychological abuse and abuse in general)

Kyss Mig

one of few good swedish movies

basically about two step-sisters who fall in love (they’re not actually related i promise)

But I’m a Cheerleader

baby natasha lyonne is in this one! also i have a crush on clea duvall in this movie lol

a very cute love story tbh

good aesthetic

you’ve probably heard of it before but idc cause it’s great

(it’s like a satire of conversion therapy so if that’s something you can’t watch i don’t recommend this movie for you in particular)

If These Walls Could Talk 2 

a bunch of famous actresses (like chloë sevigny, michelle williams, natasha lyonne, ellen degeneres, etc. etc.)

divided in three segments from three different periods in time

one segment is set during the feminist movement in the 70s and features chloë sevigny as a butch lesbian with a motorcycle do i even need to say more??

Anatomy of a Love Seen

this is about two actresses who were a couple when they shot a movie together and now they have to go back and re-shoot some love scenes but they’re not a couple anymore and it’s sad af

i have basically never seen this movie in any rec lists but it’s actually one of my faves and i cry so much to this movie tbh

Saving Face

this is a good one

also pretty funny tbh!

it’s about a doctor who falls in love with a dancer and the doctor’s relationship with her conservative mom

it’s kind of rom-comish

Lost and Delirious

warning: very sad like super sad?

it’s about a girl who goes to a boarding school and so happens to become roommates with a lesbian couple

teen angst squared and multiplied with gay panic

The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls In Love

you may have heard of this one but if you haven’t it’s time you watch it

that woman who plays tina on the l word is a butch-ish girl in this one

VERY CUTE and chill

every time i watch this it feels like this movie is the director’s BABY like it seems like she cares about this story so much and it makes the movie feel so genuine and lovely

i want every baby lesbian to watch this, please, it’s my gift to you.

D.E.B.S.

you may have heard of this one too but if you haven’t seen it yet it’s definitely worth a watch!

lesbian spies!

the heroine falls in love with the villain (that enemies to lovers trope tho!!)

Desert Hearts

old but good!

i feel like this movie is on most of these long rec lists but people probably don’t watch it cause it’s old but it is actually pretty good!

your classic “oops i thought i was straight but that woman is hot” story

Margarita With a Straw

indian girl figures out she’s bi when she goes to uni in new york and meets a lesbian girl

cute, funny, sad, it has everything tbh

The Hours (actually one of my all-time favorite movies/books!)

The Intervention

The Kids Are All Right

The Children’s Hour

Elena Undone

Fucking Åmål