Ouch Being Reminded You’re The Biggest Waste Of Space Hurts

I HAVE FUCKING NO ONE. I STAY IN MY FUCKING ROOM AND JUST PRETEND. PRETEND THAT MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT, THAT IM DIFFERENT, THAT THINGS ARE DIFFERENT. I DONT WANT TO PRETEND ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. I WANT TO HAVE FRIENDS. I WANT TO HAVE PLANS. I WANT TO HAVE MEMORIES. I WANT TO HAVE FUN AND LAUGH AND HUG. I NEED A HUG. I NEED HUMAN CONTACT. I NEED SOMEONE TO CARE. I NEED SOMEONE.

the feeling when you just wanna be alone and push everyone away so you could quietly kill yourself vrs the feeling of never wanting to be alone and just wanting to be held and told itll be okay even when it wont.

“Where do you see yourself in the future”

Bb I don’t. I do not. I do not see myself. There is no future.

Having to explain to your fp that theyre your fp is the most embarassing shameful thing ever. It feels like revealing a secret that will make them leave. Because then they know you care about them. And if you want them so bad, they start to not want you anymore. But if you dont talk to them, they will never reach out to you. But if you talk to them too much, you will annoy them and they will leave. The paradox of BPD is so hard to describe and even HARDER for anyone who isnt BPD to understand. And all we want is true understanding and empathy. Its the most paradoxical illness on earth and you never know whether to hate people cuz they hurt you so bad or love them so intensely. But dont love them too much because then you will experience rejection. And dont avoid them because then they will just find a new person to be friends with. Living in the mind of someone with BPD is not only scientifically proven to be one of the most ACHING AND PAINFUL mental illness there is, the statistics for suicide attempts among people with BPD is 70%. 70% of us have already tried to end our lives because of the emotional torment. And 10% of us diagnosed (even more undiagnosed) have succeeded with suicide attempts. You cant be normal no matter how hard you try. You will never have normal friendships. You will practically fall in love with anyone and anything. You will fall in love with half your friends. You will be rejected by half those friends both platonically and romantically. You will never have a normal healthy relationship or marriage because of your jealousy, insecurity, and abandonment issues. We just want understanding and we can only get that from other people with BPD who we cant be close with because they also have BPD. Its so isolating. Its miserable. Lonely.

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

Once I learn how to stop being me it’s over for y’all

bpd feels like you’re constantly begging for affection because normal amounts of affection doesn’t feel like enough

~ Girls when they can never be as pretty as the others, no matter how hard they try ~

therapists saying you're surprisingly self aware is like being called a pleasure to have in class for adults

No matter how many times my favorite person tells me he loves me I don't believe him. i can't believe him. I'm afraid of dying and not having ever felt truly loved. It's like there's a wall up in my mind that prevents me from thinking anyone could ever possibly love me. Because how do you really know?

you don't.